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Tammy Allen



Last Updated: 3/11/2009

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Status: Single
City: TUCSON
State: Arizona
Country: US
Signup Date: 10/27/2006

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009 
Thursday, May 14, 2009 

This is in no way meant to be an example of literary genius. It is sophmoric at most. It's unfucused and awkward. I've never taken a writing class. It's an exercise. An attempt. I think there are moments but nothing fabulous. That said...Please criticize. I need help!

She sat staring at the computer screen, like she did everyday. Trying not to think about the bills, the car, the clogged sink, the broken furnace and the cat barf. Except now, she had to find a job.
~
Things were whipping into a frenzy. The election was coming to an end. She’s been on pins and needles for almost two years. Finally, America was taking a stand, or so she hoped. Hope. She laughed at herself for being so passionate. It was nothing new, but one can’t take oneself too seriously. She knew from years of depression and heartache not to take herself too seriously. She survived several suicide attempts and countless hours of raging self hatred. Nope. Can’t take yourself too seriously.

Sidled up to some of her best friends on the back porch of a typical Tucson block home, she watched the results trickle in. She drank deeply from bottle after bottle of beer and sipped hypnotically on shots of whiskey and vodka. Her nerves were on high frequency. When HE was announced the winner she squealed and cried like a baby pig. The moment was so intense she felt as if she could swirl into a vortex of energy and light up into the sky.

It’s done. He won. Giddy hugs and wistful smiles swept through her days. No sight of the impending hangover, sweet though it may be. It was neither swift nor apparent. Little by little chips and cracks appeared. She seemed immune, above the fray. Then the sink clogged. Not metaphorically, literally. She was not a fan of washing dishes in the bathtub. Hiring a plumber meant taking time from work to deal with a personal problem. Not exactly kosher with the boss. So after two weeks of Liquid Fire and plunging it became quite obvious that it was not going to clear. Broken but hardly defeated, she called the plumber. $250 later the sink drained like a champ.

Still working at a furious pace to appear needed, she went to work cheerful and ready to go. Her daughter began to have a series of ailments all including a fever. She fought to stay healthy but she succumbed to many of the viruses. Missed work. A lot of missed work. That was forgiven but the economy would hear nothing of it. The office must downsize. Everyone must take a mandatory day off. It actually made her life easier except for the financial worry that slowly began to tie her muscles into ship worthy knots.

Late one evening she received a phone call from her husband. He’s been working in El Paso on and off for weeks. This required him to commute from Tucson to Texas on a regular basis with four employees and a twelve foot trailer in tow. He is coating the bowels of an ancient yet still operating coppermine with carbon fiber. He’s lucky to get the work. He told her he was stranded on the side of the road outside Las Cruces waiting for a tow truck. The transmission blew in his new diesel flatbed. Great. She thought. Fortunately it’s under warranty, but the set back is costing money.
Money.
The knots tighten.

Work was getting slower. Her time got cut another day. Two days off, three days on. She wrote copy for an advertising agency. Their sole clients are shopping malls or the property managers that own them nationwide. It’s their niche, incentive driven advertising targeting trade area residences to boost sales and foot traffic. It’s not as simple as it sounds. There’s radio, print, television, direct mail and in mall collaterals – posters, signs etc. It’s seasonally driven. After one of the best years the agency has ever had, 2009 is shaping up to be the worst. Budgets are slashed. Only a few malls did any Valentine’s Day promotions. A fair amount did Spring and Mother’s Day but summer is coming like a ghost town. Her husband calls from his shop. The old Mercedes, the one he’s having repainted, its transmission – pfft. He’s got a plan to get a rebuilt transmission from a Mercedes shop in Indiana.
She crumbles at her desk.
A few tears escape.

The temperatures are beautiful this time of year so the furnace that just broke isn’t an emergency.
Cold snap.
She lay under the covers praying that he wouldn’t go up in flames or worse an explosion wouldn’t occur. He lit match after match trying to ignite the gas before a damper automatically closed. Victory! Heat, glorious heat. She learned how to light the furnace the next day. Outside their cozy home a nation of brilliant fools tinkered with the economy, war and other grand issues. Her guy was doing a dandy job considering, but not everyone is of like mind. Her enthusiasm has not waivered, her support is perhaps more cautious, but what the hell can you do in three months?

Have you ever heard the sound of a shoe dropping? It sounds like this: " Laid off. " Like millions of other Americans she had become another statistic. It’s not her fault. She did nothing wrong. They want her back. Why is she so devastated? She packed her office into one box, that’s it. A box. She wants to crawl into the box too, but she finds she’s already there. Photos of her husband and daughter, books, little tiddly bits she’d collected and displayed on her desk.

A door hadn’t closed, she’d been pushed out the window. She’s started to enjoy the sensation of falling. She’s embracing it. She could land anywhere, just not yet.

Sunday, May 03, 2009 
Sunday, April 05, 2009 

Category: Writing and Poetry

I walked into Target to return a video.


The woman ahead of me at customer service was obviously causing a problem.


She wanted money, not a credit.


Enter pretty lady with small child crying. “Does anyone know who she belongs to?”


Crazy bitch at the counter grabs her child’s arm and say’s she’s mine.


Pretty lady says “Well she was trying to go into the men’s room and I think she need to go potty?


Crazy lady lifts small child by one arm and puts her on the counter and continues her argument.


Babygirl(-2ish) cries and obviously needs to pee.


Mom ignores her.






 




Babygirl pees on the counter.





Mom slaps her





And walks away





I pick her up and take her to the bathroom. I ask the store clerk to grab some pull ups and some clean clothes about her size





I take the girl to the bathroom and peel her clothes off and clean her up.





The sales associate shows up with pull ups and clothes.





I assure them I will pay for everything.





In the meantime the mother is looking for a manager to help with her return and uses her daughter's accident as an excuse for her anger.







 



She realizes that I have taken control and saved her child. She calls for security and wants to press charges of kidnapping.



 

(BASED ON A TRUE STORY)

Sunday, April 05, 2009 

Why I never got into heroin


I tried it in art school.


Brown shit they packaged in balloons


I snorted it


I shot it


I puked


My eyes slipped shut like greased wheels


I felt okay


I felt hhmmm


I felt worry free.


I felt cool


I felt skinny


I exercised like a maniac the next day.


Get it out


It hurt


It made it hurt worse every time


I hurt already


I didn’t need to escape into a coma only to awake into a deeper nightmare


I didn’t like it


It killed my friends


It wasn’t worth dying like that


If I’m gonna die I’m gonna die because I choose to


Fuck heroin


Fuck all drugs


Alcohol


Drug?


Yes


Mine


I can keep myself from dying with alcohol


I can stop myself


I know what’s happening


You may not


But I do


Living is Important


I made that decision


I realized dying is when it’s all over


No matter how painful


How boring


How infuriating


Life is it


Heroin is a loser’s game


I figured that out really early


No brainer


Living?

Saturday, April 04, 2009 





Yeah, I remember that night.





I was working so I couldn't drink alcohol.





It was a slow night, dead as they say.





I'm sitting behind the bar trying to smoke my heartache away.





I begged the boss to let me go home.





He would have nothing of it.





The worst blues band in town was butchering classics and extending them with excruciatingly long masturbatory guitar solos.





Just when I thought I was going to lose it completely some asshat jumps into a spastic drum solo.





I went outside and screamed.





No one inside could hear me.





I came back in and miraculously it was  time to start shutting things down.





That first beer washed all the tension and pain away.





It was the fourth that brought the heartache back like a flood.





I drove home crying in the rain.





I sat under the eve of my one room block apartment and smoked and drank until I stumbled to bed and passed out.

The next day I woke up in time to open the bar for the night and pushed REPEAT.





 

Sunday, March 08, 2009 
Some nights I sit outside, alone, and contemplate. When I do this I do something that I think most people would find strange if not disturbing. I have a small flower pot that I light a fire in.

It’s a very small pot. One that would hold, harbor a lone flower or little herb for cooking, yet I crumple little pieces of newspaper or pages from the completely useless yellow pages phone book one finds on their doorstep with the names and addresses of businesses that you would look up on the internet if you needed them and I burn them in my little pot. I add crumbles of wax from scented candles I buy to freshen my home. They ensure a continuous flame. I sit next to my little fire and feel the warmth I would feel from a real fire. It projects very little heat but it comforts me.

I sometimes smoke cigarettes that I know I shouldn’t smoke.

I drink beer.

I probably wouldn’t do it without the beer but I don’t really know because beer and my little fire make me happy.

Maybe not happy, but in a place of quiet solitude that calms my mind.

It drives my husband crazy. Not in a horrible way, at least I don’t think so, but it works for me.

Fire.

I love it.

I worry that I'll burn the house down if I was totally trashed and let it burn. But I never do that.

I need to feel at peace with my little fire.

Sometimes I call people on the cell phone. People I trust and know will talk me down from the ledge I put myself on - again.

Why?

Why do I stand at the edge of my stoop ready to jump into the abyss?

Thank you fire.

Thank you for listening.

Thank you for hearing my self doubt.

All encompassing doubt. Pure escape from reality. Gone from motherhood for a few moments.

Is that bad?

I want to escape motherhood sometimes.

It’s wonderful. Full of rewards. Unbelievably huge.

Huge.

That’s what I need to escape.

Huge responsibility.

Huge questioning of my inner desires.

I don’t walk out.

I don’t leave

I just sit by my little fire.
Friday, March 06, 2009 

Category: Writing and Poetry

My best friend committed suicide.  He had told me that he wanted giant Casablanca lilies at his funeral.  He wanted to be buried in upstate NY with the rest of his (adoptive) family.  He said he definitely did not want to be cremated.  I knew all this because we would talk about what kind of funeral we wanted because we were both emo before emo was a word.  I had attempted suicide many times.  He never did until he became addicted to heroin.  He started using at 33.  Fucking stupid.  He couldn’t take it anymore.  He took a lethal dose.  One of those “If I live, I live.  If I die, well then I die.”  He died.  I told his mother his final wishes.

 
She was a fucking piece of work.  She was a neurological nurse that believed depression was bullshit.  She adopted Joe to save her marriage.  The marriage failed.  I became his surrogate mother at about age 14.  We were the same age.  I took care of him off and on for most of his life.


 

First thing she did was come get his stuff from my house.  She wanted to know where all the things he had collected were.  I told her he sold them to support his addiction.  She thought I stole them. She had an open casket funeral even though he had been in the morgue for over a week.  She said to me “Isn’t wonderful how they filled in his cheeks and made him look so good.”  I almost laughed but I held it. She ordered five lilies for Joe and hundreds of roses for herself.  She had a Catholic priest officiate.  Joe was gay.  The priest said something about carrying a handbasket to God – it made absolutely no sense.  He could have been reciting Dr. Suess.  I had made a tape of all of Joe’s favorite music. Morrissey, Madonna, REM, Donna Summer and many more were warbling over the entire proceeding.  I walked out.

 
 



I sat in the lobby laughing hysterically. A couple teary eyed friends came to check on me. I was like “Are you kidding me?  This is the most insanely retarded funeral in the world.”  People thought I was having one of those inappropriate reactions like some people do. Laugh. Not cry.

All I could think that Joe would have been laughing his ass off too. 

 
 



His mom then promptly had him cremated and told me he was coming home to live with her for a while.  I asked “What about NY?”  She said “The ground is too frozen to dig a grave.” WTF!  First of all you cremated him and second of all we don’t dig graves with shovels anymore. I didn’t say anything.  All I could think is of is poor Joe in a jar on the mantle in the house of the mother that abandoned him after he had been abandoned by a birth mother. 

 
 



He visits me in my dreams every once in a while.  He’s always too busy to hang out with me for very long.  He’s moved on.  He’s got new friends.  He seems happy now.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009 
..
Saturday, February 28, 2009 
Listen nechrophiliac
either kill me
make a deal
or I'm out of here.