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Sunday, September 06, 2009
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Category: Romance and Relationships
In the last series, the one on the "Folly of Forgiveness," I shared
some nuggets of wisdom on how to avoid forgiveness. Alas, one can
actually cut off the need to even consider that topic by avoiding
intimacy altogether. Thus, I’ve put together…
"96 WAYS TO AVOID INTIMACY"
There are folks out there who want more than anything to have and to
hold, to squeeze and to suffocate, to tie up and tie down. Yes, the
world is rife with clingers, pouncers, chasers and grabbers. To escape
single is truly miraculous. Is it sheer luck? Absolutely not! It takes
serpentine strategies to swiftly slip away from the unsuspecting.
Herein I offer a lifetime’s worth of wisdom, condensed neatly into a "96 Ways to Avoid Intimacy."
Have a long list of absolute requirements for a partner—and stick to it no matter what! To give you an example,
likes exercise, but not hiking or anything dirty
fruitarian
travels well
owns magenta, fuel-efficient SUV
willing to let inner child come out and play dominator games
sleeps on left side of bed, right arm under head
wealthy with a house whose kitchen leads to a sunken living room with picture windows facing the ocean
2. Never give up your belief the grass
is greener o’er yonder
No
matter how perfect the person next to you may seem, always know that
there is probably someone better out their, someone with blue eyes
instead of gray, who rolls, doesn’t squeeze the toothpaste, and who can
parallel park in one go.
This is one of those little things that
over a long period of time helps you to become rigid and intolerable to
people sharing your space. You’ll slowly become so entrenched in your
little habits, it’ll be virtually impossible to happily co-habitate
with another.
4. Compulsively repeat behaviors you know
drive him crazy
"Honey," he says, "I’ve told you not to squeeze my knee. I don’t like it."
You respond, "You are always looking for an excuse to cause problems," while you squeeze his knee again.
Note how the complaint was neatly turned around into blaming him.
Whether it’s pushing your tongue into the inside of his eardrum he
can’t stand, or leaving the light on in the bathroom (this one works
particularly well with environmentalists), if he finds it irritating or
otherwise upsetting, just keep on.
5. Hang up if he says something you don’t
want to talk about
For many of you, this is probably intuitive—simple common sense. But
for those who’ve not yet tried this basic yet effective strategy, it’s
an absolute must. Not only does it work cutting off a
current line of discourse, but it’s also behavior modification. Pretty
soon he’ll learn not to broach intimate subjects of any kind if he
doesn’t want to be hung up on.
"Why were you talking to her?! Every time
I turn around you’re trying to pick up someone else. Why don’t you just
find someone else or start a harem. I just can’t take this anymore,"
you sputter, glaring at your partner.
"Dear," he responds acidly, "the woman needed to know how much I wanted in the tank." Frequent outbursts of this nature are certain to cut off any sense
of faith he may have in you to handle anything other than inanities.
7. Never say you’re sorry
Never, never, never
take responsibility for anything! Outright lie about what you did or
said if you have to, but whatever you do, don’t acknowledge that you
are vulnerable, or less than perfect. It is an "in" that would quickly
be taken advantage of.
8.Focus on the differences
This one is so
easy. All’s you have to do is open up your eyes and ears. Notice that
while you are well-spoken, he says "ya", that while you shop at
Safeway, he goes to Save-On, that while he has two sisters and one
brother, you have two sisters and no brother. You can actually write these all down in a list, under the headings
"differences" and "similarities". You can add the even larger
subheadings, "Negatives" and "Positives."
When you look at the list you’ll wonder what ever attracted you in
the first place, and can rest easy knowing that you now have a mental
and verbal arsenal that will keep any intentions of connecting far at
bay.
9. Make derogatory comments about his family (whether you’ve met them or not)
I
learned my lessons early on about what you "should" do when the issue
of family comes up, or boyfriends, or friends. You listen and nod, but
NEVER outright agree with a person’s assertions regarding their loved
ones. They can insult their family—you can’t! So simply break the rule
and let the show begin.
When he says, "I feel my brother is making a mistake…," don’t
respond with a compassionate look accompanied by a "Hmm." Oh no. Take
this opportunity to shut down any further conversations on family and
other real concerns, saying, "Well what do you expect? He’s got the
mind of a hamster. And furthermore…."
10. Insult one of his body parts
Beer belly,
too short, saggy chest, no bum, puny bits—or be creative and choose
something really obscure—"I can’t stand the way your elbow faces
upwards when your arm is straight."
He’ll be defensive—less himself, and since you don’t want to see the
real him anyway, this strategy is perfect. It also neatly cuts off
intimacy in the bedroom, for who is going to let go after a hearty
emasculation.
11. Ask to borrow money every time you see him
And
if he gives it to you, keep asking for more! Of course when he begins
to give you "the look", that’s when you call him stingy, tell him he
just doesn’t understand you or, that you don’t want to break your $2. Money can be a great distancer, as emotions range highest in this arena—right up there with sex.
This is the precursor
to "leave the country regularly". Any time you start to feel yourself
getting close to someone, and start to get that horrid feeling of
anxiety in the pit of your stomach, like "Oh God, if this gets any
closer he’s going to run", translate this fear immediately into a bus
ticket out of the state.
13. Leave the country for long periods regularly
This
is actually an advanced strategy for those situations where you really
like the person and know you can’t even stay on the same continent as
them or you’ll fall into the Beta genus of avoidance
strategies—clinging!
Leaving is much more fun because you can hold onto the
romance in your head, writing mushy love letters while enjoying the
hookworms in the Mexican outback, the Uzi-toting teenagers of Israel or
the Mafia infested streets of Moscow.
Yes, as you
shake in terror and culture shock in another land, you are actually in
that heavenly state of love for your squishy pumpkin across the seas.
14. Show no respect for his possessions
He lends you a nice new hardcover. Maybe 96 Ways to Avoid Intimacy. Big
mistake. You’re zipping through the book, having a laugh, taking notes
while holding the book respectfully. Now that’s no way to lose trust
and keep intimacy at a distance. No, no. So begin right now!
If this book is borrowed, go on, take it into the bath with you, a
big bubbly bath, and when you come to a particularly funny bit, just
bang your fist into the water with a big guffaw. Oops! The book was in
that hand and it’s all wet now.
Have a nice splashy spaghetti dinner whilst reading said book. Heck,
take it camping, use the pages to handy-wipe up spills, and when you
hand over what’s left of the book, just grin and say, "Great read. Do
you have any more?"
His response will be a clear indicator of whether you have a pleaser
on your hands—or not. A pleaser will avoid the issue, and move onto
another topic with a concerned look in your direction. Otherwise, you might expect, "What the hell did you do to my book?!"
Go for denial, blandly responding, "What."
"MY BOOK!" he repeats. "What book?" you query. "This book!!" "What about it?" you ask. "Look at it!" You look. "Ya, great title page. What’s YOUR problem?"
Continue along this line as though he’s the lunatic. Don’t
forget to happily start picking up other items in his place, asking if
you can borrow them. This should enrage him sufficiently to keep any
trust he may have been harboring in you at bay.
15. Leave half way through a date
An
excellent ploy is to make a scathing comment whilst in the theatre,
followed by a rustley gathering of coat, a parting "THIS FILM IS CRAP",
and a march to the exit.
It’s just sort of fun to do this to see if he’ll follow. You can get
his number, if you know what I mean. If he sits there eating his
popcorn, and tells you, "Get out of my way, you’re blocking my view,"
as you brush past him, well, you’re going to have to change your
strategy to that of clinger, or games over.
If, on the other hand, he chases after you, asking "Bubbly muffin,
what’s wrong?" you can retort acidly, "That boy was putting his hands
down his pants. How CRUDE!"
"Ahh, Bumby, he was just reaching for his gun." You now let your
eyes fall to the floor, looking embarrassed, and mutter, "Really?" with
a sort of hopeful lilt. You now know, for future reference, that you can have a great time walking out of all sorts of events and situations.
16. Tell him to "shut up" if he tries to
discuss the relationship
"Honey. We’ve been dating for a while, and I’d like to know what your intentions are?" Ah, ah, ah, ooo, ooo! Come to think of it that would be a great reply, followed by a blank stare perhaps.
Truth is, if he is asking this question, he might be on his way out
of the intimacy avoidance game. But probably not! After all, he is
asking this thought-provoking question to YOU! Get real. This isn’t on
the program. So, shrug as though to get something ugly off your
shoulder and say, "Ah, shaddup."
If he persists, I see no reason to alternate this handy reply,
because that might lead to a conversation—about the relationship—the
thing you do not discuss under any circumstances.
It is the beginning
of the end. Unless, of course, you have the corollary strategy of
screening your calls and only seeing him once a month—heck, then you
can talk about the "relationship" as much as you like—because you’ve
already assured there really isn’t one.
17. Ardently discuss the desire for a child
This
is a beautiful strategy, guaranteed to overshadow any other "issues" of
the day. Just start by saying, "You know, I think I need a baby to be
fulfilled. And I’d like us to be parents together and start a family."
Of course this is particularly striking if it’s your first date. But
even a few weeks or months into the relationship, this can work quite
well if you bring it up often enough and ardently enough. "TAKE OFF
THAT CONDOM! I told you I need to have a baby!"
If, by some fluke, he’s into having a child, immediately switch to Plan B—dead baby jokes.
18. Tell him "I love you" on the first date
You met
him at a neighborhood café one day. There were few tables, so you asked
if you could share his. A few polite words about the weather led to an
interesting chat about the news of the day, and soon lots of energy was
bouncing back and forth.
He said, "Well, I have to go now, but how’d you like to meet me in
front of the Ridge tonight? There’s a good movie playing." He’s cute,
and you’ve agreed with all the same commentaries on the "Opinions" page
of the newspaper so, he must be "the one."
At this point, throw in some questions like, "So what corner will we meet on?" "What should I do if you’re late?"
"If I get there first should I buy the tickets for us both and you pay me back or was this your treat, because then I’ll wait."
By the end of this he’s probably starting to regret his invitation.
But you’ve got an honorable one on the line, and he hasn’t even seen
your piece de la resistance. This comes at the end of the movie, when you suggest going to a cozy
café. He tells you he has to call Zimbabwe at 8pm EST, which is in
about ten minutes. In a nurturing voice, look up, and with googely,
doe-eyes say, "I understand. I love you."
19. Interrupt often, and talk non-stop
Let’s
say you’re chatting with him after a "Virgin as Pagan Mother" seminar.
You invite him to join you for a snack. While you’re in the car, you’re
still giving him the opportunity to speak once in a while, just so he
doesn’t bolt before you reach the restaurant. You don’t want to eat
alone after all. You don’t really want to connect with anyone either,
you’re simply scared to be with yourself and want someone next to you
for a short time.
Once you’ve both placed your orders, you can relax. He probably won’t leave now that the food’s on the way.
If he ventures to speak, perhaps opening with, "I saw the Dalai Lama
at UBC the other night. It was"—"WELL THE EARTH MADE NEBULAS INT…." you
boom out over top, "MADE NOT OF …" and simply don’t stop the monologue
for the duration of the meal.
If he attempts to respond to something, "Oh, I just read an article
about that yesterday. Apparent—" you blast out, "AND IN THE BEGINNING
WAS THE WORD, AND THE WORD WAS—" Oh yeah, if you run out of anything original to say just start
spouting off scripture, any statistics you may know, dialogue from TV
shows, or handy tips you’ve picked up recently to keep your whites
whiter.
If truth be told, dog people
are so hyper-sensitive about their beasts, all that’s really necessary
is to restrain yourself from saying "ga-ga oogely boogely what a nice
poochy" screeched with ever rising baby tones. Look at their dog as you
would look at a balustrade.
Anything other than complete admiration will have them doubting your right to exist.
Let’s say the man you’ve dated a couple of times is casually talking about moving into an apartment closer to his work.
"Aha" you think—I’m going to move in with him. Wouldn’t that be wonderful! So you start to snuggle up close, making coo’ing noises, and out of
your mouth pop’s "But the apartment has to have a large enough bathroom
to hold all my hair bows."
He looks at you with astonishment. You continue on, a little
sharpness in your voice now, "Well you don’t expect me to keep all my
damn bows floating around the bedroom do you. There’s no mirror."
Any reasonable facsimile of this line of conversation is guaranteed to have him bolting.
22. Admire yourself obsessively in any reflective surface
You’re
walking along the street as your partner gabs on about the movie you’ve
just seen. Do you pay attention? Respond? No, no. Get caught up in the
shop windows. Not the merchandise inside, but the visage reflected in
the glass. Stop, regardless that your mate is thinking you’re right
there beside him.
Bring out your comb, maybe a little Mousse, and while you’re there,
you might as well start picking minute pieces of lint off your shirt
with the same concentration you watch apes pick lice out of each
other’s hair.
You can even take this to entirely new plateaus! Be creative! When
you’re eating out, check all your cutlery, plates and glasses to see
which has the best reflection, and when you find it, take this
opportunity to puncture that tiny blackhead on your nose once and for
all.
23. After he’s told you something heartfelt, look at him blankly and say "What?"
"I
need to let you know that when you touched me on the elbow the other
day, after we took my dog to the vet, I felt really loved. And I
appreciate how we’re beginning to experience more than just casual
dating together." He relays this to you in a voice choked with
sentiment.
You heard what he said—and you’re disgusted. You hate all this mushy
crap. You raise your head blandly, aiming it in his general direction,
and vaguely mutter "What?"
That ought to take the insipid look of love off his face quick and
get him onto more logical subjects, like why you never listen. That is
a much easier topic to deal with.
24. Scream at him for no identifiable reason
This is the "startle and confuse" (as opposed to "shock and awe")
method of distancing. Simply take an inane daily occurrence like your
partner washing the dishes and leaving the dishrag by the sink.
Start yelling at him, "You KNOW I need the dishrag to be squished and hung, not lumped! BACTERIA WILL FORM!"
Then launch into, "You just don’t care about me." Guilt keeps the
game going, and it is your duty when the ball is in your court, to
throw it back, giving the other a turn to play.
25. Always dress inappropriately
He invites you to join his friends on a hike through the Grand Canyon. Come prepared!
Sport a well-pressed magenta suit, lacy button-up blouse, four-inch
Manola Blahnicks and briefcase, which you insist on bringing along
because your salad, Extreme Green, umbrella and laptop are inside. If
that isn’t mortifying enough to bring the dating to a swift conclusion,
just keep it up.
These suggestions work with equal effect for men.
Especially the magenta suit and Manola Blahnicks on wilderness hike.
26. Only see him once a month
Never answer
your phone, always screen your calls, and only get back to him once per
week, midnight or later. Get your emotional fix by communicating on
deep levels about love, marriage and the cosmos, and gently teasing him
that you might not be able to resist just grabbing him for a kiss the
next time you see him. But never suggest seeing him, and if he brings
it up, always claim you’re busy.
Once a month you can meet with him for a couple of hours, just to
keep him hooked in, or to remember what he looks like. Do this with
three or four people.
27. Never agree on his choice of movie
Basically
let him know early on that if he gets hooked up with you he can say
goodbye to action/adventure, horror, violent, classic,
musicals—whatever, and that his viewing is now to be curtailed to
romantic comedies, comedies, and dramas without violence—only!
If he happens to like those choices, simply reverse them and become
equally narrow in the opposite direction: ONLY violence, horror….
28. Scratch yourself persistently
Head, feet,
under arms, anywhere. Not only is it an obvious distraction to the man
trying to talk to you, but in short order, his irritation will be
replaced by a concern over what it is that’s making you jump, and will
it jump on him or his furniture or AHHG!
29. Never be honest about your feelings
This is one
of the three pillars on which the whole intimacy avoidance lifestyle is
founded. (The other two pillars are run and chase.) If you aren’t being
honest about who you really are, your insecurities, your passions, your
truth, then he can’t know you—and to not know you is to not love
you—and to not know you is to be "in the game". That is, the run, chase
and hide game.
30. Judge him unmercifully
It’s not even
necessary to let him know what all your judgments are, it’s enough just
to have them. And nurture them, picking on every hair that’s out of
place, every sentence that is not perfectly constructed, each idea that
is less than Buddha-like. For instance, when he displays impatience or
intolerance, comment sharply and disparagingly, "What’s YOUR problem?"
Or in other words, do your
utmost to inspire guilt in others. It keeps the ball rolling,
skillfully turning your guilty inner workings onto someone else. The
best way to keep from learning who you are, and your resultant
inability to relate to others on more than a superficial level can be
maintained at a feverish pitch when you employ this most dastardly of
strategies.
And the beauty of it is that most people will really think highly of
you. "Look at the poor dear. She just keeps giving and giving, and is
treated so badly. She deserves so much better."
It’s the ideal ploy—avoid intimacy, have a scapegoat tidily marked
out who everyone will agree is a cad, and come off smelling like a
rose.
32. Tell him "I’m embarrassed to introduce
you to my friends"
So
bring him along to meet your friends at a gallery opening, but on the
way over, make little comments that will make him feel uncomfortable:
"This is sort of a formal affair. I know I forgot to tell you, so now
you’re probably going to be the only one in jeans. But with that ratty
T-shirt you’re wearing, maybe they’ll just think you’re the artist."
After arriving, you huddle in your little group of friends. As your
partner starts to enter into the conversation, "Well I can see you’re
point, yet I think—" you break in with, "Oh, don’t take it all so
seriously," while patting his hand as if he were a child.
Repeat this maneuver whenever he ventures an opinion. His only
recourse will be to get into it publicly with you, or wait until later,
at which time you tell him you have no idea what he’s talking about.
You’re
walking along the street with him. You grab his hand, smiling happily.
He sort of smiles, gives your hand a squeeze, then attempts to let it
go. Don’t let it!
Maybe take his hand and push it over and up and around your
shoulder, then yank it tight so your little head is sort of locked up. By this time he’s feeling a little shackled.
"It’s too hot," he grumbles, trying to disentangle. This is the fun
part. Now it’s like grappling. The more he tries to disengage, the
tighter you hold on, adding in some annoyed commentary like, "You never
want to be close to me in public."
He furrows his brows at you, squirming to get loose. "I need to be with someone affectionate, so BE STILL!" you bellow.
Replay episodes of this sort frequently.
34. Scream at him while he’s on the phone with someone
That’s
it, just start wailing like a banshee when he picks up his phone. If
it’s to someone important, all the better.
Choose this moment to vent
your feelings, let it out—now’s the time—"THE WAY YOU LINE UP YOUR
BOOKS ACCORDING TO COLOR IS TWADDLE! ALPHABETICAL! ALPHABETICAL!!"
It’ll give you the chance to be entirely honest about something
totally inane, and as a bonus, reduce the likelihood of him trying to
get you to meet any of his significant others.
35. Challenge everything he says
He says, "I’m thinking of taking an English class this fall."
You retort incredulously, "What? English? When’s the last time you
were in school? I don’t think you should do that. What you need is
math, but actually what you should be doing is working out your father
issues and leave school for later."
You get the idea? Anything he says, simply show no faith in his judgment to do what’s best for him.
36. Ask endless questions
Ask questions, listen with interest, and if he sends a question back, give it a one-word answer, then ask another question.
This will keep most people going for quite some time. Many people
will not ever notice how little they are learning about you, except
that you are an excellent listener and they really like you because you
adore them. This is a great way to be in relationship, yet avoid
intimacy.
This follows neatly on the heels of
asking endless questions, except there are no questions, because not
only do you not want to share your own self, but you don’t particularly
care to hear about him either. So you simply don’t speak—except for the perfunctory, "Hello honey bear. How are you?"
If he doesn’t realize this is a rhetorical question and goes on to
answer, just give him a blank look and turn on the TV or something.
That’s it. Just take a wee kipp.
Whether he is trying to explain something of vast emotional import or
not. Just slowly use his voice to lull your eyes gently shut, your head
falling onto his shoulder.
Make a habit of doing this whenever he starts to speak of things you do not wish to discuss.
39. Don’t leave the house
Strangely, there
are many people who don’t leave the house, then question why they are
not meeting anyone. But you, you want to be a conscious loner—not a
philistine who is too stupid to recognize the obvious. Of course, you can whine about being lonely to others, but at least you’ll know exactly what you’re doing.
40. Offer to pay him after sex
This one has to be used the first time. Just casually inquire as you roll out of bed and start to pull your socks on, "So how much do I owe you for the night?"
Gorging, gambling, porn, E-Bay,
bingo, Baby Duck, TV, sex—any addiction will do in creating not only
distance, but a total loss of intimacy.
Every time the conversation moves towards honest communication, you veeeer compulsively and obsessively towards well…E-Bay.
You’re going along, having a
reasonably unhealthy relationship. In fact, you’ve got each other so
well trained, that nothing broaching vulnerability is ever thrown onto
the field anymore. Or if it is, you both shut down quickly, having had
your behavior sufficiently modified by all the neat strategies in this
book. So where do you go from here?
Dump him. Maybe, to be polite, let him know what you’re doing. Leave a note on
his windshield or something. "Am bored. Will not be seeing you again.
Don’t call. Me."
If he’s a distancer, you really have ended the game, but the
clingers will get all excited, and now phone you non-stop so the fun
can recommence.
Expect him to pay—always! Don’t even take out your wallet to offer,
and if he asks you for half the check, give him a withering look and
mutter under your breath, "Cheap vermin."
Conversely, if he grins and looks like he owns you—max out his card.
43. Tell him you’ve just gotten out of jail
Sadly, this may be appealing to some. However, the some to whom it
will appeal are without question—fellow runners, so you have nary a
worry about connecting on intimate levels.
The old ultimatum
trick. An oldie but a goodie, on which the whole institution of
marriage lies. Woman gets commitment, or man gets nothing. Of course
you can’t lay it out that simply—the game must be played properly.
"Squishy Rabbit," you begin, "I need for the relationship to be
going somewhere, like for it to have a future. Otherwise I need to move
on."
He responds, "But things are working well right now, so why change it." You counter, "Cause its not moving anywhere." In other words,
there’s no challenge, so you need to shake things up and scare the hell
out of each other by demanding a commitment.
This can be used as an ongoing point of dissension to avoid the actual boredom of being in a committed relationship.
45. Tell really coarse, sexist, violent jokes (in front of his parents or co-workers works particularly well)
Most
people will find this a hindrance to an intimate touchy- feelie
conversation. If he does like these sorts of jokes, the likelihood of
him being the type who engages in heartfelt conversations is probably
minimal in any case.
This may not seem like a distancing strategy, but in fact it’s just
the flip side of the "clingy" coin. You have to look at it as a dance.
You move away, they come closer, you move closer, they move away.
For instance, if you want him to back off, you can start "dropping by" his work.
"I was in the neighborhood" is so clichéd, but hey, you’re not out
to be subtle. Show up unannounced where you know he’ll be. And when
there, bring up heavy conversations about "the relationship" even if
you don’t have one.
You might say, "I notice we’re not on the same level at this point
in our relationship. Is there something you would like to share with
me? We can’t go on like this if you won’t be honest with me about your
feelings."
He responds, "What feelings? For god’s sake, I’m your florist!"
47. Leave a message on his pager informing him its over
Having made this ground-breaking decision to finally let go your
attraction to unavailable types, you pick up the phone, call your
boyfriend’s pager, and say, "I really love you, but we’re not really
connecting on an emotional level, so goodbye."
If you’re one of those people who keep chanting, "I really want to
be in a committed relationship," when in fact you run like hell, or
more likely don’t even notice someone with potential when it enters
your hemisphere, this’ll be good for you.
It has all the elements you
enjoy. For one, you can righteously stick to your argument that being
single has nothing to do with you, but is all about the lack of good
men, while at the same time playing out your own "life is so unfair"
victim fantasy.
This’ll keep him begging
for crumbs if he’s a clinger, raising his insecurities and threatening
abandonment. It’ll keep his head so occupied that he won’t start
pondering the meaning of life and what he’s really getting out of this
endless cycle of short-term, chaotic, push-pull relationships.
So get going, and not to where he thinks you’re going to be!
Oh, no.
If you say you’ll meet for dinner, call (or not) about an hour after
you were supposed to meet, with a great excuse, like "Well I ran into
my old boyfriend and they needed a hug cause they just broke up with
their blah, blah, blah."
Or if you think that might end the relationship totally and your not
really wanting that—yet—perhaps say, "My mother died, again. But they
resuscitated her again, so its OK. I miss you honey. Maybe we can get
together for a coffee later on, like how about 2 weeks from Wednesday."
49. Say, "You’re a mindless sheep!"
when he expresses his values
He
started out as superficial and as unable to communicate as you, but
then started to pick up books on relating and growth and he’s taken a
workshop, one of the really open, honesty-is-the-only-way-to-heal ones,
and now he wants to practice on you. He wants to come out of the shell
of fear he’s been tucked away in his whole life and tell you what’s
important to him—and more than that, he’d like you to do the same!
"You know scrunchy rabbit," he begins, "I’d like to spend more time
talking. Like what are your hopes and dreams for the future, because I
feel like I don’t even know you."
You’re thinking, "That’s the whole point, stupid. If I wanted you to know me do you think I’d religiously follow 96 Ways to Avoid Intimacy?"
But you don’t say that to him. Look him straight in the eye in a resigned way and ask, "So what are you reading this week?"
If he continues on, that yes he has read a new book, but the reason
he is talking about it is because it is something he already agreed
with, just shake your head, resigned, and reply, "I knew it. You read
another book."
50. Run the other way when someone shows
honest interest
If
someone actually sits in their chair while you carry on with your
histrionics, listens without reacting, waits for you to settle down and
then asks in a straightforward manner, "So what’s really going on for
you?" Or worse yet, makes an astute observation, such as, "It sounds to
me like you might want to address your relationship with your
mother,"—you must respond quickly.
Immediately break into a tirade, maybe along the lines of, "Well, I
think you have mother problems! AND, your shoes are a simply awful
color!!!" Then turn on your heel, slam the door, and go find someone
who doesn’t spoil the game with rational behavior.
51. Tell him you’re a social crack user
"Only
on weekends" you tell him. Like its part of your diet plan to keep you
in shape, because the crack gives you lots of energy and you don’t feel
like eating. Better than Atkins!
If he challenges this habit, say "What, you don’t like my body?" or
something equally absurd, linking the crack to part of an "alternative"
health regimen.
52. Take them to an encounter group with lots of screaming and crying and join in
ACOA
is a particularly good place to start, or any weekend workshop that is
described as "intensive" or "experiential".
Invite your rather
conservative partner to this weekend, telling them it’s a 2-day Stanley
Cup party, or something.
The trick is, the more repulsed he is by the heavily emotional
scene, the more you get into it. Hell, take center stage and start
rolling around the floor wailing like a baby, screaming, "Mama, oh
mama, why’d you leave the room to go take Fluffy out of the dryer. Oh
mama, you abandoned me, and Fluffy wasn’t even dry yet. OHHHH MAMA!!!"
Oh yea, groove to it, start pounding your fists on the ground, maybe
even take a shot at the person who tries to hug you. They’ll understand
it’s coming from a deep place.
This ought to freak out your date, and if he actually sticks around
or ever tries to discuss this behavior with you, start repeating the
rolling, screaming, crying thing from the workshop.
53. Never sleep with any person more than once
The
first time is never that good really—what with trying to navigate
through unfamiliar territory, and no guide map. So after the first
lousy encounter, you ignore any connection you may have had on any
other level, and just focus on the fact that you’re definitely not
compatible in bed—and move on.
Conversely, if the sex is outrageously good, denounce him as a "player" and accuse him of using you.
54. Walk out in the middle of conversations for no reason
Of
course, you’ll think of a reason if you ever see him again. And if he
confronts you on this behavior, call him out for something pathetically
trivial. Tell him, "You show me no respect. Do you think I am going to
stand around and take it while you turn down the thermostat."
If he listens and motions to discuss this, sharply retort, "See, I
can’t talk to you about anything. You misrepresent everything I say.
You don’t listen to me."
Repeat these themes, or some variation
thereof, and any real communication will have been neatly squashed.
55. Shoplift when you go out together
That’ll
put him on edge when you go downtown together. It’s hard to have an
intimate conversation when you know your partner might be handcuffed
any minute.
This strategy can come early on, like the third or so date. If he
actually agrees to join, you know unequivocally, that you don’t even
want to continue the game with this one—he is more than your run of the
mill runner—he’s seriously deranged!
57. Take him to a Hare Khrishna dinner
Tell
him its simply some good vegetarian food, no big deal. As you enter the
temple, a colorful slice of India, with the chanting, dancing and
drumming, the sprinkling of water on heads, and swafting of incense,
you look across the room at your other, because men and women are
separated inside the temple.
Really get into it all, swaying and singing. Maybe fall down in an
ecstatic swoon. Then, when the hour-long "talk" occurs where you sit on
the floor around a Khrishna who gives a chauvinism laced speech, say
"Wow, ya, right on!"
This will endear some. However, if he’s really into this
misogynistic crap, he’s likely incapable of connecting with a woman in
any case, so you’re safe.
58. Pretend you don’t know him in public
To
continue on from the last strategy, when dinner at the temple is
finally served, out of huge plastic buckets on the lawn outside, leave
him alone while you go visit other people across the lawn.
If he picks up his plate and trundles over to you, setting down
beside you with a smile, look at him with a somewhat strange sort of
half-smile, and say, "Hi. What’s your name?"
When he assumes you must be joking and rolls his eyes smiling at
you, look around at your dinner companions with a quizzical look as
though, "Like wow man, what a weird dude. I ask his name and he rolls
his eyes and smiles."
Play this out.
If this doesn’t send him walking, you’ve got a persistent one on your hands.
It’s pretty difficult to carry on a conversation with someone, much
less cuddle, if they smell like the sewage plant you took a field trip
to in biology class. To flip the switch easily
between happy-go-lucky meanderings and overtly psychotic behavior
should be in everyone’s little toolbox of strategies. It’ll keep your
date in such a state of anxiety that he’ll never know when you’re gonna
blow.
According to the plan, he’ll steer far away from anything that might
trigger you. Make sure that line is way out in the cosmos and you’ve
assured yourself of meaningless communication for a long time to come.
61. Assume a position of intellectual superiority
If
you like to throw around big words and complex, if irrelevant, ideas,
choose someone who doesn’t—someone who likes to discuss comic books,
soap operas and whether Boston Rob on "All-Star Survivor" deserves to
win—someone who takes these issues to heart.
Discuss instead how
Freud’s psychoanalytic terminology emphasizes the idea that the penis
could not and does not play the role attributed to it in the classical
terminology of the castration complex, for instance.
This is sure to
stymie further intercourse.
And frequently. It’ll sort of keep him off-balance, always wondering
if he’s in a relationship or not. And he should be wondering that. He’s
with you after all.
63.Always talk in riddles and sarcasm
You’re
standing there talking circles around some poor fellow at church who’s
caught in your convoluted web of words, when an attractive man
approaches—the one you had coffee with the other day.
You say to him, "Wasn’t that building caught in the nebulas wild
last night? Did you see it?" Attractive man looks at you strangely, and
asks, "What?"
You respond straight-faced, "Actually it wasn’t a building, it was a
lawn fertilizer." Then you laugh uproariously and add, "Just joking."
He looks at you like you’ve got gum in your ear, disabused thoroughly of any romantic notions.
64. Tell him you don’t like sex
If you’ve
been on a few dates, and you like his company generally, but can tell
he’s thinking of moving this into the romantic field, and you can see
white picket fences dancing like sugar plums in his eyes, time to bring
this one down with a swift kick. And nothing is swifter than the
announcement, "I don’t really like sex that much. I have more important
things to spend my time on than wasting it in bed—boom boom boom. Big
deal."
He responds hopefully, "Maybe you just haven’t had very good partners?"
You assure him, "No, had hundreds of great lays, in fact, I don’t
know that I’ve ever had a bad one." You laugh, "But really, I just have
better things to do with my time." This’ll be as good as a permanent
ice shower.
Alternately, you could wait until after you’ve been to bed a couple
of times, and then just cut the quotient down to near-nil, followed by
the above discourse. This is even better, because they’re likely
already hooked in, so you can continue the game, with the obsession
over sex taking up all the conversation, so you’ll definitely have no
time to really get to know each other.
65. Take everything personally
No matter what
it is, take it personally. He tells you, for instance, he’s going to
spend the day with a friend. Go on ahead and assume the worst! Ah yes,
he is avoiding you because of that thing you said to the waiter about
the soup the other night, or maybe it’s because you didn’t offer to
wash the tea cups last week, or maybe AAGGHHHH!
And this is only the beginning. Now that you’ve established that
nothing you do is right, and he is trying to get back at you, or get
rid of you, you now intently pursue him to try and show him you’ve
changed your ways, or to explain that you now understand and are sorry.
Or you can just go ahead and leave messages on his answering machines,
multiples of messages, to the effect that you’re feeling really
abandoned and would they please call. Heck, by the time you get through
with your feelings around him having gone out with a friend, he’ll
probably be so turned off, you can kiss him goodbye permanently.
66. Exhibit stunning paranoia
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE CURTAINS OPEN? SHUT THEM!!!” Let your eyes bulge and gleam, continuing, “Are you trying to get us killed,” while peeking through the bottom corner of said curtain.
He glares at you. “What are you doing?”
“We don’t live in Mr. Rogers neighborhood for Christ’s sake,” you answer. He will be really wondering now, for he lives in a nice middle-class neighborhood.
Your nostrils flare at the intensity of an on-coming lightbulb moment. “That’s it! Perhaps Mr. Rogers is kept safe because of his magic slippers. Quick, give me your slippers!"
All the while, pace about madly, opening and slamming shut cupboard drawers, looking under the bed, start pushing big pieces of furniture against the door. Then, slip a pair of ratty slippers onto your feet, breath a sigh of relief, smile inanely, gurgle, “Ah safe now,” and promptly curl up into a ball under the kitchen table and fall asleep.
If this doesn’t make him think twice about wanting to connect with you, you’ve got a live one.
67. Be Unreliable
For instance, if you promise your date 96 recipes, only pass on 69. If he questions this, asking “Where’s the other 27?”, shoot back, “You must be hearing things. Are you crazy?” Turning any conversation around to remove yourself from the line of fire is a tried and true formula—as they say, the best defense is a good offense.
68. Expect the world
So we end where we began. Look back on your list, and don’t ever settle for less than perfection. If you meet someone who has thirty-two out of thirty-three items on your list—don’t settle. After all, you deserve the best.
Just save all the love, compassion and kindness inside of you for Mr. Right. Don’t waste it on the plebes who pass through your life. And when “The One” comes along, you can spurl and gurgle, let loose all the pent up passion and manifold gifts you’ve been safely hiding for all these years.
Uh, but these gifts of yours seem to have gotten a little tarnished over the years. Like, they weren’t used that much were they? But you present this ménage in all its decrepit glory to “The One”. And what do they do?
Run like hell! These old gifts are so distorted they’re terrifying. But hey, you don’t really want intimacy anyway. You love the game—the intimacy avoidance game. And now you’re free again to continue playing. Have fun!
69. Conclusion
Sadly, even with all these handy strategies, there are still those who’ll find you appealing—they’ll love to hate you, and dedicate themselves to repairing you and fixing you right up. In fact, if you ever got fixed up, they’d be gone. It takes one to love one, and since the fun is in the run, I hope these strategies spice up your game.
Of course there is the possibility that you may meet someone you really like. Then what do you do? Well, not to worry, I’m sure these patterns will be so ingrained by that time you’ll be powerless to remain even under the most tempting circumstances—free to repeat the same two-week cycle of “serious—this is the one, really” relationships that keep you feeling so alive.
Warning
If you ever really want to let go of the intimacy avoidance game players, don’t run, don’t chase, be honest. They’ll be gone before you can say commi…
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Wednesday, July 29, 2009
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The Folly of Forgiveness
(Second half)
____________________________________________
CHAPTER 7
CHANGING A BELIEF . . .VERSUS CHOOSING A BELIEF
So as not to alienate those of you whose instincts to survive tell you this Universe is a dangerous place to be heartily defended against, that this Universe is a vitriolic cesspool of deviants who to a greater or lesser degree are oblivious to you, that this Universe is out to hurt your feelings — or worse …
there is help.
And this help won’t require digging into the past to forgive people. It won’t involve pulling “love” out of a hat and making yourself feel warm and sappy about the cretin who injured you. Nor does it involve changing a belief.
I look at it this way…
When I’m trying to change something I haven’t changed before, whether it’s the tire on my VW Bug or the color of my hair, it requires a lot of effort. In the case of a tire, straining to get the screws off the wheel, or in the case of haircolor, trying to avoid getting the sloppy hair dye from hitting everything within a 20-yard radius.
Now let’s take the gist of these examples and apply them to internal, rather than external, changes. For instance, if we’re trying to forgive an enemy, it’ll likely involve some sort of mental acrobatics as we attempt to, first off, see the deviant as someone being WORTH our forgiveness. Then, going ahead and trying to forgive them!
Naturally, everything in our entire bodies would scream “Noooo!”
After all, that person hurt … misused … betrayed … abused … neglected … abandoned … ridiculed ... US! And now we’re supposed to … to FORGIVE THEM?!
To basically say, mentally if not verbally, “Ah, like, no problem man.”
It is here that we L E A P over trying to forgive anyone. It is here that we B O U N D over struggling to change our perceptions of the foul bottom-feeder.
We do not forgive.
None of that crap for us.
We do not “try to change” our core beliefs, such as the world being unfriendly.
And why don’t we try to change our beliefs?
Because when we try to “change” our beliefs, it’s like struggling in a pit of quicksand — quicksand symbolizing our current beliefs — and yearning for an alternative belief that’s onland, and way way out of our reach. There’s no real choices for a person swimming in quicksand, and the hope of change in such a predicament is fruitless.
[Illustration posted under "Photos" for a proper visual]
On the other hand, there is “choosing” a belief. This is akin to standing outside the pit of quicksand, and then regarding not one, but two belief options — one of them the horrid quicksand of destructive beliefs, the other a safer and more friendly belief system. From this standpoint, outside the quicksand itself, an actual choice can be made.
So what happens when we choose a belief versus trying to change a belief?
Basically, we climb out of the quicksand, dry ourselves off, take a shower, put on some fresh clothes, and situate ourselves a safe distance from our beliefs, so we can actually make a pragmatic choice.
The beauty in this is that when we make a choice about how we approach life and the Universe, we don’t have to review every detail of our past. We don’t have to fix every long-gone wrong. We don’t even have to understand the past.
This first step in letting go of the past, this step of choosing how we see the Universe, requires little more than making a decision. We make a choice about what sort of Universe we choose to live in using base logic.
So in this first step to releasing the past, we leave the past alone.
We begin at the macro level, as opposed to the micro level.
We start at the Impersonal level, versus the Personal level.
We start with how we approach the Universe, instead of how we approach our neighbor.
We make a choice, rather than a change.
CHAPTER 8
THE FRIENDLY UNIVERSE
One
could argue for an eternity that the Universe is unfriendly and find
plenty of examples. Likewise, if one argued for a friendly Universe,
there’d be an equal number of examples.
To help you clarify
which Universe you’d like to live in — friendly or unfriendly — let’s
take a look at the consequences of each.
Unfriendly Universe =
Contraction
Poor relationships
Ill health
Stifled career
Friendly Universe =
Expansion
Intimate relationships
Stunning Health
Success
Which
Universe looks like more fun? Which one would you CHOOSE? After all,
choosing a belief isn’t about claiming some arbitrary “truth.” It’s
about making a pragmatic choice that affects day-to-day life.
Many
intelligent people with a metaphysical bent claim we “manifest” what we
believe. Others with a metaphysical bent claim we “attract” what we
believe, or attract what we “vibrate.”
My take on the power of belief is somewhat different.
I
don’t think I “manifest” what I believe. Why? Because, so far as I can
see, everything’s already present. The good, the bad, the beautiful,
the ghastly. We don’t magically bring these things into existence.
Everything already exists.
I also don’t think I “attract” what I believe, as though I’m powerless against my unenlightened beliefs and vibrations.
What
I know, very simply, is that when I have a belief, I’ll find things in
my experience that support this belief. That is, I’ll notice some
things, and overlook others.
To give you an example, let’s say
we’re all apartment renters. We could probably go years without ever
consciously coming across a “For Sale” sign in front of a house.
We’re not interested.
We don’t care.
It’s not on our radar.
For all intents and purposes, “House for Sale” signs do not exist.
Then,
let’s say one day we begin a new job and it’s high paid and our peers
endlessly scan Open Houses and discuss real estate. We decide that we
too want to own a house. All of a sudden, we see “For Sale” signs
everywhere!
Did they magically “manifest” for us because we decided to purchase property?
Uh, no.
Did our vibration change such that we “attracted” all the “For Sale” signs along our route home?
Nope.
Did we shift our focus from rental signs to “For Sale” signs.
Yes.
Were
rental and “For Sale” signs both there all along — simultaneously —
regardless of how we were vibrating? Regardless of our beliefs?
Yes, yes, and yes.
We
can expand this example to include the types of men we date, the types
of jobs we work, and the type of Universe we live in. It’s all there
for us to choose, to choose where we want to put our attention.
No more.
No less.
So it is with the nature of the Universe.
The Universe is friendly.
The Universe is unfriendly.
It’s all there, available to us when we put our attention on it.
CHAPTER 9
SURRENDER!
After
the fateful day whereupon I chose a friendly Universe, it was not long
before big and small, new and old, resentments crept up.
“Whoa!”
you say. “How did this happen? I thought after I chose a friendly
Universe, I’d begin to notice pleasant things — and that’d be the end
of it.”
Uh, well…no. I thought that too, but quickly realized
I’d need something to support me in this belief that the world is
friendly, since dastardly deeds and nasty nincompoops remain in the
Universe alongside all the lovely, friendly stuff. Yes, more was needed
in this equation. I needed a supporting structure to make this mental
practice viable.
The first thing that occurred to me was that
I had to relinquish ever trying to make sense of life. I had to totally
let go of trying to make sense of the world and the people who inhabit
it. Otherwise, there was a disconnect between the Universe being
friendly and all the incomprehensible and unfriendly stuff I’d
experienced. Pleased with this insight, I scribbled it down thusly:
“Surrender the need to understand why shit happens.”
I felt an
immediate release, a lightness of being, a freedom, and realized just
how much energy I’d been spending on trying to force the past to make
some sort of sense. I also realized that the power in letting go of
trying to understand was the result of getting out of my head as it
regarded replaying the past over and over again. In fact, I came to see
that it was the endless mental re-hashing of past resentments, under
the guise of “trying to figure out why they’d happened”, that was the
major support structure holding these resentments up. That is, it was
the constant fixating on the question of why things had happened that
kept me bound to the past.
Trying to understand the past wasn’t freeing me:
Trying to understand the past was keeping me bound.
As
I carried along, I began to reflect even more upon what I’d been doing
the many years prior to this merry revelation ... and I was bowled
over by the nature of what had been guiding my life heretofore, i.e.,
the notion that to be free of old hurts, I had to comprehend old hurts.
Under the light of my new and improved understanding, the notion that I
had to understand my past to release it struck me as absolutely
asinine! This brought home to me just how necessary this step is — this
step of surrendering the need to figure out why shit happens.
The
old methodology for loosing the past, the methodology of analyzing the
past till it makes sense, has to be tossed in the trash, thrown out the
window, shoveled onto the manure pile. I realized trying to figure out
“why” had never worked and never would.
Many of us have spent
eons trying to make sense of the world using formulas, plans, and
strategies, not to mention massive doses of worry, confusion and
distress. Our poor brains have done their best to sort out why things
are the way they are and for all that effort, well…
3 days later…
Or 10 weeks later…
Or 8 months later…
Or 4 years later…
Or 2 decades later…
…
we have to ask ourselves — has all this mental effort lead us to an
orderly summation of why the world is the way it is? More to the point,
has our quest for answers explained anything at all?
Like why our older brother fed us white gravel as toddlers telling us it was popcorn?
Or why our parents let the neighborhood stoner babysit us?
Or why our business partner and best pal cooked the books?
Or why the sales clerk overcharged us not once, but twice, on the rutabaga?
Or why our boss harangued us at the board meeting?
Or why the hairdresser made our hair turn green and then fall out?
Not to mention why loved ones have died, and why our dog ran away from home 18 years ago.
Sheer
incomprehensibilities! How is one humble human supposed to deal with
all this? To make sense of why people do the things they do?
On
the surface, the rationale that, “I must make sense of my experiences
in order to let them go” sounds so logical. But it’s a faulty strategy
when it concerns trying to figure out the actions of others. Much of
the time, trying to make sense of hurtful situations is a primary
barrier to letting go them.
“How’s that?” you ask.
Well,
try this out and see what you think. List all your old hurts and
resentments, then ask yourself how many you’ve solved by puzzling them
out … versus how many remain alive and well despite your best efforts
to make sense of them.
Even better … do the following 2 exercises and compare the results.
EXERCISE 1
STEP 1: Think of an old hurt or resentment
STEP 2: Set your timer for five minutes and in that time try to figure out why a particular painful event happened.
STEP 3: How do you feel at the end of this 5-minute period? Clear? At ease? -- Not me! I feel more tied in and frustrated.
EXERCISE 2
STEP
1: Let go of the need to make sense of your old hurts and resentments,
knowing you may not understand why things happened the way they did
till you’re up in heaven playing hopscotch with angels.
STEP 2: Now how to you feel? Relieved? Like a weights been lifted? Like you can breath? -- I do!
Surrendering
our need to figure out the past has the effect of loosening our mental
grip on it, and allows fresh air onto stale emotions.
This
alone can shift our perspective tremendously. We’ll get out of our
minds long enough to listen to the signals of our body, which will tell
us how we really feel about certain others. We’ll have the space to
consider whether we feel love, or just attachment, to people who’ve
been—or still are—closest to us, those people who’ve had the greatest
power to injure us and who we remain bonded to, whether by memory or
more. CHAPTER 10
LET’S TALK ABOUT LOVE
“Come closer, no … go away, no … come closer — go away …”
Crazy — but this is the underlying dynamic of many relationships. So what causes this conflicted split as it relates to love?
Simply this: we’ve learned to equate love with pain.
“Why,” you ask, “would we be so dense as to confuse the ethereal, stupendously awesome thing called love with — yuck — pain?!”
Well,
as human children, we were raised by human adults with human foibles,
which sometimes intruded upon the parent/child love fest.
The plot thickens.
We
then grew into adults — or some facsimile thereof — and embarked upon
relationships with other adults. We developed friendships,
partnerships, peers, lovers.
And what did these misguided souls do? Well, they loved us, they nurtured us, then -- WHAMMO!
Betrayal!
Rejection! Cheating! Lying! Stealing! Heck, the whole shebang of
Biblical Commandments—broken! And not against some far-off Biblical
God—But against US!
Didn’t these people know who they were dealing with?
That they were our beloved friend / spouse / peer / partner? They were supposed to love us! Or at least play nice!
The
way I see it, love is akin to forgiveness in that it’s sometimes used
by spiritual people use to bash others over the head and coerce them
into some abstract moral code, at the expense of a lived truth. I’m not
speaking of the metaphysical sort of “Truth” or “Love” wherein we are
all One, all Love, and all have soul agreements to hurt each other for
our highest growth and all that other wondrous mumbo-jumbo. I’m talking
about truth and love on this human plane of physical existence.
When
we feel our guts twist, our heart stabbed, our muscles constrict, this
is our body telling us the real truth about a relationship.
It’s
not a stretch to see that a felt truth, when repressed by goodly moral
notions of forgiveness and love, can play havoc with our health. To
illustrate I offer the parable of the tight swim cap.
PARABLE of the TIGHT SWIM CAP
From
the time June Closter could remember, her older sister had the nasty
habit of yanking on her hair. Sometimes right on out of June’s scalp!
YOUCH!
The years drifted on, and because they were family,
because of their shared history, because of sentiment, June loved her
sister despite the pain.
One day, June Closter was on her way
to visit her sister. She’d come up with a strategy to deal with the
hair-yanking. This time, before setting off for a rendezvous, June
tightly bound her hair into a knot and tucked it under a snug rubber
swimming cap. The cap was terribly uncomfortable, and made her head
ache, but it was her only option. June had tried to tell her sister
that the hair-pulling hurt and it had to stop, and her sister’s
reaction had been to hang up on June and not talk to her for a
fortnight.
Resigned, June realized that if she wanted this
relationship, she had to buck up and wear the swim cap, allowing that
every once and awhile her hair would escape and her sister would yank
on it as hard as she ever had, which bloody well hurt.
Nonetheless,
June knew that if she got her rubber swim cap on tightly enough, and
kept her hair safely tucked up, she’d have a great visit. They’d talk
about their cousins and their memories growing up together, drink
coffee, and have a great time.
June swallowed her resentment
over the ongoing injustice of having to be on guard all the time, of
having to vigilantly keep her hair under her tight itchy cap.
Years
passed and June continued to stuff down her hurt and anger, her body
stifling the resentment by contracting, by tightening, by hardening.
Her teeth began to grind night and day. Her stomach ached more and more
often.
June’s body began to show the wear and tear of trying to
stay close to her sister, while feeling conflicted about the
relationship. She loved her sibling. She valued family. But constantly
being on guard was taking its toll.
June’s headaches grew (even
when she didn’t have the tight swim cap on), her teeth wore down from
grinding, her stomach churning became an ulcer.
June didn’t
understand why her body was in an uproar, and she put it down to
getting older. One day, poor June Closter got a brain tumor and dropped
dead. So sad. She really wasn’t that old.
The End
__________________________
June
couldn’t let her hair down with her sister, literally or figuratively
and she denied the truth of her feelings, burying them under
proclamations of love and forgiveness.
Her body wasn’t fooled by these words.
In its wisdom, her body used its own language to try and get June’s attention — the language of physical symptoms.
If
June had taken a moment to ask herself whether she really did love this
hair-yanking relative, would the answer have been yes?
Or was her body revealing the truth in the headaches and churning stomach?
Is
it possible she didn’t really love this sister? Is it possible June was
simply attached through circumstance and time? An attachment developed
because of longevity? Because of its familial nature? Because of
sentimental memories?
Attachment does not equal love.
There’s
lots of people we feel the need to stay connected to, people we feel
the need to forgive, people we feel the desire to love. If we give
ourselves permission to question these lovely feelings, and get honest
about the pain of certain relationships, not to mention the signals our
body is sending us, we may, in fact, realize we don’t love them. We are
attached.
Like a trail of dominoes, we may find there is a
veritable host of people whom we’ve felt the need to stay connected to,
but with whom we can drop the “Love” label. What may fall away along
with this label is an entire bubbling caldron of hurts and resentments.
By
allowing ourselves to let go of “love,” an invisible, but invincible,
cord is severed. There is freedom from the object of our angst. With
this freedom, the anger and hurt lose their emotional pull. They fade.
They lose their power over us. And we discover ourselves freed.
CHAPTER 11
LET THERE BE LIGHT!
Light.
Think about it. The word is right smack dab in the center of a caboodle
of letters signifying human beings’ most highest and goodly state —
enlightenment.
Ah, yes, good old enlightenment. J.C. himself is
quoted as saying: “I am the way and the light,” and he was definitely
enlightened.
A wise and respected man, Ralph Waldo Emerson
said, “The soul is light,” and the quote “Let there be light” is
attributed to God no less, who obviously thinks quite highly of light.
Yes, this topic of light is fascinating, even consuming, as Einstein himself would agree, based on his statement:
"For the rest of my life I want to reflect on what light is."
Light
is thought to be the very stuff we’re made of, not to mention the stuff
with which the entire Universe is made up of. This means I’m light, my
sneakers are light, my best friend is light, my old high school is
light — and yes — GASP — even my nemesis is made of light.
While
the word love has gotten mucked up in all sorts of ungodly stews
related to messy personal relationships, the word “light” has no
irksome contradictions or inconsistencies. At least none that strike my
heart with fear and loathing the way the word “love” can. After all, I
don’t have lovers saying to me, “I light you,” and then making off into
the night with buxom blondes.
The notion—backed by science —
that light is the very stuff we’re all made from—well, there’s an
elegance to this, because there’s nothing to argue against. The notion
that someone’s made of light doesn’t require me to emotionally engage
with them in order for me to see them as being made up of this very
same light that I’m made of, that tree stumps are made of, that rocks
and warty toads are made of.
Thus, seeing my nemesis as light
(as opposed to love) requires no angst on my part. Light is photons or
some such—and we’re all made of these photons…simple. Direct.
Impersonal.
So now, what does all this have to do with letting go of the past?
I put forth the following:
First, we withdraw our angst-ridden emotions from the object of our loathing…
Second,
we replace this loathing with our new default setting, as it regards
said object of loathing. Simply put, when an old nemesis comes to mind
and we begin to feel that lump in our throat, that nausea in our gut,
that tightness in our jaw, and when we begin to engage our thoughts in
our habitual circus of resentments, we … choose … differently.
We
take a breath — then release it so as not to turn blue in the face and
keel over — and then slyly, unbeknownst to the evil one o’er yonder, we
direct light at them.
Each and
every time an awful person or event from the past crosses our minds,
instead of entertaining thoughts of injustice, or engaging in the
foolhardy pastime called “let’s figure out why it happened,” we click
the “on” switch and shine light in that direction.
How Pollyanna, you chant.
Not so, not so.
What
this choice does is severe our bond to the object of our negative
attention. It shatters our chains to it, melts the ropes we’ve tied to
it, vaporizes the negative charge we’ve invested in it.
And leaves us unfettered.
Free.
Clean.
Wherein we can brush our hands together and move on without having flushed down the drain some vast quantity of our own energy.
And what will we do with the vast storehouse of energy we have saved? Whatever we damn well want!
Whether
it’s finishing a creative project, starting a new relationship, healing
our bodies, or moving to Hawaii to take up surfing — when we withdraw
our energy from the past, we’ll have a virtual reservoir with which to
play.
And this, my friends, concludes my somewhat lengthy rant on letting go of the past ... without forgiveness.
Sure, I have a handful more chapters, but really, I've basically said what I wanted to say.
My
purpose with these chapters
was for those of us who'd tried our mightiest to forgive, and found
that this route did not lead to the promised land. I hope to have
offered an alternative way to letting go of the past ... without
forgiveness.
Cheers,
Tayler
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Wednesday, June 17, 2009
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THE FOLLY OF FORGIVENESS
(1st half)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 1
FORGIVENESS ? ?
Forgiveness — that Holy Grail esteemed as the route to self-love and freedom and health and happiness — has eluded many of us.
Yet... any hope of our experiencing a satisfactory life seems to hinge upon our forgiving the miscreants of our past, those adults who failed to read Doctor Spock’s Guide to Child Rearing, those peers who skipped out on the anti-bullying symposiums, those siblings who thought it a laugh-riot to drop spiders and snakes into our schoolbags.
Nonetheless, we’ve likely had epiphanies. Ephiphanies usually along the lines of:
“I am a spiritual (read ‘superior’) being, and
thusly blessed and residing so far above the foul
philistines who dared harm me, it is my duty —
alas — my saintly gift, to be in the position to
pardon my enemies.”
This may be the closest many of us have come to forgiveness. But these elevated epiphanies that rest — as they do — upon our goodliness are not the solid everlasting things we hoped for.
Yes, yes, we understand the sophisticated version of forgiveness as being something we balefully “release,” as opposed to the dubious ritual of self-righteous posturing wherein we don our papal gown and pardon someone. But we wonder how exactly this miracle of letting go of a hideous past is supposed to occur when we’ve been building a case against our nemesis for weeks, years, even decades.
Well, all is not lost. I have found a key. And what is that key? The key to forgiveness? ...
CHAPTER 2
RUN!So what is this key to forgiveness?
It is to stop willing ourselves to forgive. To quit straining our poor overworked minds and torn emotions in a bid to make sense of why we’ve been mishandled. To cease trying to forgive those people who’ve scarred us so profoundly that years after the fact, steam is still coming out of our ears.
I’m not a psychology major, have never counseled anybody, nor have I ever wanted to. But when I began to talk about having found a key that unlocked the door to freedom from the past, people’s ears started pricking up. I saw eyes widen with possibility, with the idea that maybe they too could find a path that made sense.
Especially a path that didn’t require them to forgive anybody!
It was clear that struggling with forgiveness was not working for them, just as it had not worked for me.
Why has forgiveness not taken for so many of us?
For one, the word forgiveness implies engagement with the fiend who committed the injustice against us. Moreover, forgiveness demands understanding and compassion for the boobs who've had the audacity to screw with our tender souls.
Since we can find no logical reason for the actions of our enemies, we resist compassion, and are unable to successfully grapple with the notion of understanding why anyone would commit such awful deeds, because we ourselves would never commit such awful deeds.
Certain things are so obviously wrong.
So self-evident.
So plain.
As such, compassion and understanding pass us by. Though we may have had glimpses. At times, sputtering within our frame of reference, we considered how an injured child could grow up to injure others, or how a bullied child could later in life become a bully. However, the problem with this schemata is … what about the thousands of bullied children who DON’T become bullies? Adults aren’t required by some immutable law to commit those sins committed upon themselves.
Thus, the idea of compassion can fade under the harsh light of reason, wherein the fact that grown adults have a choice rises up like a cement wall, again blocking out the light of forgiveness.
Where does this leave us poor saps who were damaged as children, or as teens … or for that matter, as menopausal women or balding men?
We all want to get rid of the past so as to get on with our lives, but how is this possible when “forgiveness” is foisted upon us with its requisites of compassion and understanding?
CHAPTER 3
WHY FORGIVE?
With surprising consistency, the more I attempted to solve this riddle called forgiveness, the more angst-ridden I felt. But there had to be something to this forgiveness notion — God knows enough saints and gurus have bandied it about over the millennia.
Ultimately, I decided to try and figure it out myself, beginning with an investigation into the whys of this much-sought-after Holy Grail. Amongst the slew of reasons for attempting forgiveness, the ones that came most readily to mind included:
Because we should
Because others say we should
Because all the self-help books say we should (not to mention the Bible)
Because we seem to keep replaying the original hurt in our current relationships
Because we notice our resentments seep into other areas of our lives
Because some part of us knows we aren’t free
These seemed viable reasons to forgive. Thus, I attempted the next step in the equation, and tried to boil down the common denominators involved in the actual process. From what I could deduce about the traditional route to forgiveness, it went something like this:
First, we think of someone we resent, someone who did us wrong, and we write their names down.
Second, we swish around in our brains how exactly our nemesis made our lives a living hell.
Was it lying?
Cheating?
Stealing?
The 10 Commandments are a great source of inspiration for this section of the exercise.
Now that we’ve listed the jerks responsible for our pain and detailed exactly what they did to us, we are ready for step 3 in the traditional forgiveness process, the step wherein we’re supposed to holler — EUREKA! I FORGIVE!!
SUMMARY OF “OLD” STEPS TO FORGIVENESS
1. Think of the person we need to forgive…i.e., the person we loathe.
2. Get into the whys and wherefores of the scoundrels’ misdeeds.
3. Then…FORGIVE ‘EM!
That’s right. Whether we were abandoned, used, abused, betrayed, neglected, unloved, disappointed, deceived, ridiculed, or humiliated, we list the shmucks of our past, detail their misdeeds, and then…SHAZAM! Forgive ‘em!
This, according to much of the wisdom I’ve come across, is how we do it.
And this is why forgiveness doesn’t work for all of us. The process demands we become hypocrites, in that we’re supposed to take our felt pain and smother it under a molasses-like coat of positive emotions. Which leads us to…
CHAPTER 4
WHY NOT FORGIVE?
Negatively charged emotions are the rope, the chains, the very glue that keep us hinged to the person we deplore. But denying these negative emotions or trying to manipulate them with forgiveness is not the answer either. In fact trying to forgive, willy-nilly, can trigger our charged emotions to new and unfathomed heights, as we’re forced to put our focus on the person we’re triggered by.
Not the result we’re striving for.
On top of that, our attempts to forgive can result in getting smeared with great big dollops of guilt. And why is that? Probably because we’re unable to follow the dictates of almost every self-help book on earth, all of which demand we’d better do this forgiveness thing or rot in hell.
These are but a couple of the many fine reasons to bypass the forgiveness trap. Yet, the fact remains that we want freedom from our past.
So how do we do this?
First of all, let’s try and figure out why we’ve been clinging to our fretful histories to begin with. Herein, I have cobbled together a smattering of possibilities.
We cling to the traumas of our past…
1. Because we don’t know how to release our past
2. Because without our hurts and resentments our identity
would be … well … un-identifiable
3. Because we get attention while distressed
4. Because we think we’re protecting ourselves from future pain
5. Because discussing our wretched pasts is a conversational goldmine, guaranteed never to dry up
6. Because rotating on the past has become a mental habit
7. Because we want to mentally figure out why we were hurt
8. Because we’re unaware that our ties to the past rob us of our future
9. Because we think we’re keeping our enemies at a distance with our invective
10. Because our bad experiences have created or supported our belief in a cruel and uncaring Universe, and we’re trapped by this belief.
CHAPTER 5
TOP 10 LIST :
WHY WE CLING TO THE PAST
Holding
onto ancient resentments is akin to scarfing down two pounds of
biscuits slathered in butter and gravy, in that the consequences are
the same — disturbing ailments, mental sluggishness, and emotional
retardation.
So why do we hold on so tightly to past hurts and resentments? Well, I cobbled together a smattering of possibilities.
We cling to the traumas of our past…
1. Because we don’t know how to release our past
2. Because rotating on the past has become a mental habit
3. Because we think we’re protecting ourselves from future pain
4. Because we get support and attention while distressed
5. Because discussing our wretched pasts is a conversational goldmine, guaranteed never to dry up
6. Because without our hurts and resentments our identity
would be … well … un-identifiable
7. Because we want to mentally figure out why we were hurt
8. Because we’re unaware that our ties to the past rob us of our future
9. Because we think we’re keeping our enemies at a distance with our invective
10.
Because our bad experiences have created or supported our belief in a
cruel and uncaring Universe, and we’re trapped by this belief.
[ILLUSTRATIONS from this chapter can be
viewed in PHOTO ALBUM]
Now, I'll be going into some detail on each of the stealthy ways we avoid releasing our past.
A. We cling to the past…
Because we don’t know how to release the past.
Well, by the end of this book, you will know how. Isn’t that grand!
B. We cling to the past…
Because discussing our wretched pasts is a
conversational goldmine, guaranteed to never dry up.
It
is often seen as pompous, conceited and inappropriate to discuss our
successes, our good health, and our fulfilling relationships.
Meanwhile, blathering on about our plights is a time-honored way to
bond with others.
As I cottoned on to this notion and began to
notice the conversations around me, I was floored at just how much we
humans use past traumas to establish rapport. Whether the past involves
a skiing injury, a cheating boyfriend, a business partner gone bad, or
poor service at the neighborhood spa, all the myriad slights and
disasters of our lives are fodder for an alarming number of
interactions.
It is endemic, a part of our society.
And I can understand why.
After
all, there’s no better way to start an animated conversation over the
water-cooler than to riff on someone who’s done us wrong. It’s a great
way to infuse energy into a dialogue. The appeal is huge! Hence, even
though we all know from our Mama’s that it’s not nice to talk about
people behind their back, we just can’t help ourselves. And what better
target than someone who’s hurt us?
When I began to refrain
from discussing my own personal trough of injuries, I felt positively
boring around those pals who had exciting exploits wherein they were
injured and damned displeased about it. The sheer energy that exuded
from them in the telling of their horrific tales was like watching a
power boat zip from the pier, waves of agitated energy crashing in
their wake…
Wheeee!!! Such fun!
Sadly, there is a
downside to all this gleeful retelling of our pasts, filled as they are
with enough pain and betrayal and tragedy to rival a Shakespeare play.
The downside to this sort of sharing is that with each re-telling of
our miserable past, with each recounting of the scum who harmed us, we
more deeply entrench ourselves in the past, more fully embrace what we
don't want.
It's not that we give up venting entirely. It can
be useful to blow off steam, to gain clarity, to really be heard. What
I'm talking about is the endless rehashing of past episodes that leaves
us feeling self-righteous and agitated after the telling.
Why haven’t we let go, then?
If
relating with others primarily about our troubled pasts is the bedrock
of our relationships, there's a real possibility that letting go of our
past hurts may mean a loss of relationships.
At a subconscious level, we know this.
As
well, subconsciously, we know that the sheer volume of freed-up energy
that'd come from releasing our pasts could unleash chaos. It could mean
changing our communities, our friendships, our careers, our
partnerships… everything!
As humans, we like our deadbolts and
security systems, our guard dogs and alarm bells. We feel safe living
an orderly existence and don’t particularly want our boat rocked,
regardless it may actually be turning a particularly sharp corner
towards a more wondrous destination.
C. We cling to the past…
Because without our hurts and resentments our
identity would be … well … un-identifiable.
Ah
yes, fascinating, this one. Who would we be without our anger and hurt
and fear and defensiveness and all those other goodies we drag around
like a sack of dead cockroaches.
Goodness!
Our identity as it stands — would be unidentifiable.
What would we talk about with our friends?
Where would the drama go?
We’d be lumpen shapeless blobs without our fix of past wrongs to keep us mentally sharp.
We’d have to start everything all over again from scratch …
A big blank slate.
Yes, there are many reasons that hanging onto a past fraught with troubles is appealing.
D. We cling to the past…
Because we get attention while distressed.
No, that wasn’t a typo. I didn’t mean to say “nice” story. I did say “rice” story.
Once
upon a time, a scientist had 3 sealed jars of cooked rice. To the first
one, he directed love. To the second one, he directed insults. To the
third one, well, he ignored it.
A period of time passed and the jars were opened.
The
rice in the first jar (loved) was still almost good enough to eat even
after much time. The rice in the second jar (insulted) had gone bad and
moldy. In the third jar (ignored) — to the utter shock of the scientist
— the rice was positively putrid! Far far worse than the rice that had
been insulted.
When I heard the rice story — and it is a true
account, not a fable — it was a revelation. A revelation in that
receiving no attention had a markedly more destructive effect than
receiving negative attention.
To return to the idea that we hold
onto the past as a means of getting attention, the rice story gives
solid testimony to the importance of getting this need met. At the same
time, garnering attention through tireless repetitions of our dastardly
histories is not the optimal way to let go of said histories.
E. We cling to the past…
Because rotating on the past has become an
unconscious mental habit.
This
very list, with its handy spaces for you to add in any mental habits
I’ve missed, should lead to an awareness of your own quirky mental
habits. Thus, you can let go of those twisted, yet oddly comforting
thoughts & emotions, once and for all.
F. We cling to the past…
Because we think we’re protecting ourselves
from future pain.
We
think regurgitating our past will prevent us from getting
sucker-punched again. As a result, we come to approach our lives from a
protective standpoint. The problem is, to be protective takes energy.
Not only that, but we can’t simultaneously be protective and vulnerable.
Protectiveness.
Vulnerability.
The two are mutually exclusive.
So
as long as any part of us is wandering about the planet wearing our
protective gear and armoring ourselves against future pain, we’re
blocking out the very things we desire, like freedom, intimacy with
others, spontaneity …
On top of all that, to be protective is to
be contracted. Contracted, our muscles pull in, our breath becomes
shallow, our jaws and hands become tight. These lead to decreased blood
flow, decreased oxygen, decreased immunity, which in turn lead to
tightening and hardening and rigidity.
Armor.
And this armor hurts only one person, the person shackled within it.
By
armoring ourselves against future pain, we shut ourselves off from
healing in the present, and at the same time keep alive a crippling
past. On the flip side, to release the past, is to free ourselves in
both the present and the future. Ya can’t beat that!
G. We cling to the past…
Because we can’t mentally figure out why we
were hurt.
This
one’s a biggie. In fact, this particular reason for holding onto the
past is so central in blocking us from letting go, that I’ve dedicated
an entire chapter to it later on.
In summary, we humans need
order. We need to make sense of life. We need to see logical cause and
effect so we don’t go bananas over the sheer chaos of things.
Our
mind’s insistence upon forcing everything to make sense, unfortunately,
can have tragic consequences. When we’ve been harmed in some
inexplicable way, our yearning to make sense of the incident compels us
to make ourselves wrong. It’s the only way we can impose logic on
something illogical.
Internally, we rebel at this curse we’ve
laid upon ourselves, but remain hooked by our need for answers,
twisting the knot tighter. But there is a solution …
H. We cling to the past…
Because we’re unaware that our ties
to the past rob us of our life energy.
When
our daily quotient of energy is sucked up maintaining our cable cord to
the past, we suffer. Our creativity suffers. Our vitality suffers. Our
physical bodies become starved of the energy they need to renew and
heal. Our current relationships become starved of the energy they need
to renew and heal.
It’s just awful.
Do a little test on
yourself to check the validity of this idea around losing our life
energy. The basis of this test lies in the wisdom of our own bodies.
While intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, we may have the
wisdom of Fred Flinstone, our bodies contain the wisdom of the ages.
For
this test, monitor how you physically feel after discussing a
negatively charged event. Does your chest tighten? Your jaw feel tense?
Your head ache? Your body feel contracted?
Conversely, if you’re
discussing a cheerful movie, your loyal cat, or a terrific pair of
sandals, does your body feel energized? Vibrant? Awake?
These are cues about what your current patterns are doing to you, and clues about the direction of your future.
I. We cling to the past…
Because we believe we are keeping our enemies at a distance with our invective.
This
belief is faulty to the core, though it seems on the surface to make so
much sense. Yes, if we direct anger at the miscreants who harmed us —
that’ll keep ‘em at bay. This is related to the earlier idea we had
about armoring ourselves.
The truth is that in an actual,
real-time, dangerous situation, expressed anger may be a very helpful
strategy. For instance, with certain wild animals, it is wise to start
stomping and yelling and clapping your hands together in a display of
aggression that’ll have them thinking twice about sussing you out for
dinner.
Mentally using this same strategy, however, on a past
fiend does not protect us, or keep the fiend at bay. In fact, in a
cruel paradox, our mental attacks don’t scare our nemesis into the
distant recesses of our memory, but rather keep them alive and kicking
at the forefront of our minds, inexorably tying us to them for an
eternity… and then some.
To entertain old hurts equals
nurturing and fertilizing old hurts. Thus, they don’t recede into the
distance, but grow and grow and grow, like weeds on a compost pile.
J. We cling to the past…
Because our experiences created or supported a belief in a cruel and uncaring Universe, and we became trapped by this belief.
Yes,
we become trapped by this belief in an uncaring Universe — condemned to
perceive the world and our past as just the way things are, leaving us
resigned, helpless and depressed. Hence, the raging success of
anti-depressants.
So sad — the hopelessness, the helplessness of those trapped in a Universe that is . . .
simply . . .
not . . .
friendly.
If
the Universe is unfriendly, all that’s left is to suck it up, drown it
out, and live a life of quiet — angst-filled — desperation.
Since
most of us are not even aware of our core belief regarding the attitude
of the Universe towards us, it is difficult to impossible to shift this
belief. Needless to say, a belief in an uncaring and cruel Universe is
a fundamental block to releasing a seemingly cruel and uncaring
personal history.
CHAPTER 6
EINSTEIN 101 :
THE FRIENDLY UNIVERSE
"No problem can be
solved from the same
consciousness (i.e. the
same level) that
created it."
Albert Einstein
The Problem with Forgiveness
Forgiveness
attempts to solve the problem (of feeling injured) at the level the
problem’s created. That is, at the personal level.
So and so did this (pain) to me, so I’ll do that (forgiveness) to them.
[see illustration in "Photos" file]
Must we — as Einstein suggests — jump to a different level to solve problems (or in this case, to heal emotional injuries)?
Truth
is, we can cut an oceanliner of resentments off at the canal just by
deciding to be hurt only by people we know intentionally and
maliciously tried to screw us over. This, as opposed to getting ruffled
over the many incidents of thoughtlessness, miscommunication and
insensitivity where no real malice was involved.
For instance,
let’s say a friend knocks our bowl of Fruit Loops onto the floor. Well,
sure, we could go into our heads and take this personally and make up
all kinds of stories and interpretations around how we’re not valued by
this awful friend, and how we deserve better, and on and on.
On
the other hand, we could consider whether we positively know that our
friend intended to harm us. If they didn’t, we can let it pass. There’s
nothing to forgive.
All of us injure and are injured with
frightening regularity when there’s no ill-will involved whatsoever.
Wouldn’t it be nice to cut others some slack, and in kind, have others
assume the best about our intentions?
What about if our friend
stands over us and our breakfast cereal and shouts, “I curse you—AND
your Fruit Loops,” and then with foul intent sends the bowl flying
across the room?
If a few moments later that friend says, “Uh,
sorry about my fit. I just found out my house burned down and my
husband left me for my sister,” this injury can also be released at the
same level it’s been created. That is, one-on-one, at the personal
level.
However, let’s say a long-term buddy curses us and our
cereal, sends the bowl flying, and stomps out of our lives — for good!!
— leaving us humiliated, rejected, hurt and confused even years later.
And let’s suppose that despite our bravest attempts to release our hurt
and anger, we still feel hopelessly trapped by our emotions. Emotions
like rejection, betrayal, and abandonment, which refuse to loosen
despite the passing of time.
It is here that we segue from our
first piece of Einstein’s wisdom: “No problem can be solved from the
same consciousness (i.e. the same level) that created it,” to our
second piece of Einsteinian wisdom:
"The most important
question you'll ever ask
is whether the Universe
is a friendly place."
Albert Einstein
“What a strange segue,” you say.
Well, it’s with the above quote that we shift away from the level of the personal and towards the level of the impersonal.
The
first step is to crystallize our own beliefs about the relative
friendliness of the universe. To help get you started, I’ve constructed
a couple of checklists. Tick in the boxes that resonate and see what
comes up.
CHECKLIST
You think the Universe is a friendly place if…
Your best pal stands you up and you assume she must be saving a hapless
squirrel from becoming roadkill … or some other heroic deed.
Your acquaintance doesn’t show for a movie date and you assume he must have had a serious emergency and begin to pray for him.
When a fellow cuts you off in traffic, you think, “his wife must be in
labor and he’s off to help bring a new baby into the world — how
glorious!”
When friends shut up as you approach — you
don’t think, “they were talking behind my back,” but instead see
yourself like Jesus parting the crowds, who stand in awe of your very
presence. (Though this one might involve somewhat more than thinking
the Universe is friendly and cross into delusion).
You think the Universe is an unfriendly place if…
When someone knocks your elbow whilst passing by you in the produce
aisle, you run your grocery cart full-on into them, determined that no
one’s gonna take a swipe at you without consequence.
When
the waitress charges you for two Shirley Temples when you only had one,
you demand to see the manager, and try to have the waitress fired for
trying to scam you.
The teller at your bank is slow to
process your transaction and you think this is a ploy to convey to you
that you are worthless and undeserving.
You believe the roadwork sites around the city are going out of their way to personally make you late for work.
Based
on the above checklists, you might see the beginnings of a pattern. If
you think the world’s a pretty friendly place, the likelihood of your
needing this book is significantly less than those of you who see every
mite-sized misdemeanor as cause for a full-out war (as some world
leaders do.)
For those of you who, as of this very moment, are
thinking that all the latter examples I listed are justified, and
furthermore, that to refrain from acting vigorously and swiftly to such
slights would surely lead to such slights increasing in your life with
ever greater frequency — I have some news.
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Wednesday, May 20, 2009
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Bestselling author of Way of the Peaceful Warrior, which was made into a film, Dan Millman is a former world champion athlete, university coach and college professor. His books include both fiction and non-fiction dedicated to taking practical steps towards reaching our highest potential.
Tayler Bloom: What drew you to set your second book, Sacred Journey of the
Peaceful Warrior in Hawaii, as opposed to one of the other exotic
locales you visited during your 1973 trip around the world?
Dan Millman: After publication of my first book, Way of the Peaceful Warrior, I didn't write another book for 10 years, since I had nothing new to say. Then, after meeting a new mentor and having a flood of new information to share, I was moved to write what was going to be a small book about "awakening the three selves" based upon ancient Huna wisdom (from the Hawaiian sages and healers). But as I wrote, the book took on a life of its own, and turned into the full-blown story of that adventure in a Hawaiian rainforest on the isle of Molokai.
Tayler Bloom: While Socrates is based upon someone you know, Mama Chia is
entirely fictional. As such, what made you choose a female shaman over
a more traditional male kahuna for this role as teacher?
Dan Millman: Yes, the wise and loving Kahuna I named Mama Chia is a composite character of different women I've known - but I was also moved to make the teacher a female so as not to simply duplicate a character too similar to the man I called Socrates (in my first book). So it seemed appropriate, for the sake of balance, to present a woman teacher with a different style from my first old mentor. Also, she was modeled in part from my fond memories of the late Bella Karish, an intuitive woman and healer I had known.
Tayler Bloom: In The Laws of Spirit you write in your preface that the book is
born of the question, “If I met my Higher Self in the form of a wise
being, what would that being teach me?” I am intrigued that your
Higher Self was expressed as a woman rather than a man. What lead to
that decision?
Dan Millman: Again, it just felt right to express these teachings through an ageless woman sage in this teaching parable. Again, for the sake of balance — I didn't want it to be "two guys on a camping trip" although that could have turned into a different story.
Tayler Bloom: In Living on Purpose, you write that you used to be “living at
random.” Can one live at random as a practice of surrender? That is,
can it be desirable to trust in the Universe enough to release
personal goals?
Dan Millman: Of course it is certainly possible, even desirable at times, to live spontaneously, randomly, taking what comes and flowing with it. But most of us also need to move through life with tasks and goals, whether it's getting in a workout, or calling a friend or associate or getting an education or looking for a job. So it isn't an either-or. I once traveled around the world with no set agenda; didn't even know where I'd be sleeping each night. I just got up in the morning and stayed open for opportunity and serendipity. I met with (and surrendered to) interesting circumstances. At times I might have gotten more done if I had a more strategic itinerary. There are both strengths and liabilities to either extreme. That's why the Arab sages advice, "Trust in God, but tie your camel."
Tayler Bloom: In The Laws of Spirit, you write about integrity, and give an
example that someone giving to charity out of guilt rather than love
as being out of integrity. In a later chapter, you write: “It’s better
to do what is best than not to do it and have a good excuse.” How does
integrity fit in with compassion if, using the example of charitable
giving, one does not feel love in the giving, even though giving is
what is best?
Dan Millman: Today I can explain that idea of integrity — and the larger issue of actions and motives behind the action — with more clarity than when I wrote that book. I am quick to advise, these days, that actions are what ultimately count; not our motives or subjective lives. That is, if I donate a large amount of money to a deserving charity, whether I do that act because I want to impress someone, or out of heartfelt altruism, the charity benefits either way. So integrity to me, today, is not about what we're feeling or thinking, but about how we are behaving.
Tayler Bloom: How would you describe the relationship between compassion for
others and forgiveness for others. Based on an example under the Law
of Compassion chapter, forgiveness is a moot ideal. Would you agree?
Dan Millman: I would first refer your readers to the blog topic at my website Blog section, titled "On Forgiveness," where I address this question in more depth. What I can say for now is that if we are able to see ourselves realistically, beyond our self-serving self-image, we may come to realize that our most important order of business is not forgiving others, but in asking forgiveness for our many mistakes. And let me just add that compassion is based upon that realistic self-knowledge. To know ourselves and also be able to forgive ourselves for our foolishness and flaws, we also then find the ability to show compassionate understanding for others.
Tayler Bloom: You write that if we align our lives with the Law of Unity, our
world will become "sweeter, more intense, beautiful, humorous and
peaceful." Humor is rarely a quality mentioned when it comes to
describing Unity, or Oneness. I’d love to hear more about your take on
humor as a universal quality.
Dan Millman: When one allows the reality of our essential Unity to penetrate us, many aspects of life (including our own lives) become quite humorous (or perhaps let's just say, not so serious!) I try to avoid sanctimonious or ever-so-serious earnestness that plagues many spiritual aspirants. Awakening to reality is quite liberating, and also quite humorous! Please understand, I am referring to a transcendental matter of liberation. Conventionally speaking, this world has (as well as joys and great beauty), cruelty, tragedy and great suffering. I do not make light of the challenges we face worldwide at our current state of evolution. But this transcendental matter of realizing the Great Play of life (called Lila in some traditions) and realizing our essential Unity — well, this is cause for quiet celebration!
Tayler Bloom: What brings you the most professional joy?
Dan Millman: Writing and teaching. This is when I feel the most on-purpose. Of course the normal pleasures of life — my family, and relaxing with my wife, going for walks, enjoying popular entertainment, reading good books — these are also lovely.
Tayler Bloom: What question would you love to be asked in an interview?
Dan Millman: I think you've asked some good ones already.
Tayler Bloom: The answer?
Dan Millman: Asked and answered!
Thank you so much Dan for your time. I can’t tell you how much I
appreciate it…and I am very much looking forward to your upcoming book, My Search for Spirit.
Visit Dan at his website: www.danmillman.com
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Wednesday, May 06, 2009
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If you like Dan Millman (Way of the Peaceful Warrior), you’ll love Mark Borax’s book, “2012: Crossing the Bridge to the Future,” the true account of Mark Borax’s 7-year apprenticeship at a mystery school in California’s Santa Cruz mountains.
Tayler Bloom: In “2012: Crossing the Bridge to the Future,” you write about the
importance of creating an authentic existence, one which involves
sweeping away old stories to usher in the new. What would be the first
step for someone wanting to do this?
Mark Borax: The first step is to set an intention to be willing to catch yourself in your old stories. This intention needs to be a vow that you make to yourself; it has to be strong enough to motivate you toward the deeper dimension of who you are and what you're doing. That vow in itself, say if you wake up each morning honoring it, will begin to guide you through your own veils and disguises, in order to release the stories that no longer serve, and clue you into the deeper story of the soul you're enacting.
The difficulty, always, is that it's very hard to catch ourselves at our own stories because they permeate everything. It's like reading Howard Zinn's “People's History of the US” after being told all your life Columbus was a hero, and then beginning to envision Columbus Day as, well, we might as well have a Hitler Day if we're gonna have a Columbus Day. Columbus was a sadistic murderer who encouraged his men to slice noses and fingers off Indians with their machetes, as the Indians walked by.
Should we be honoring and celebrating this man?
Well, when you begin to clue into the fact that many of your own stories, your own world views, have been based on lies, distortions, and falsehoods, that's a situation bound to raise all kinds of hell in your inner nature. It's much easier to remain in the dark than shine a light into the hidden zone of your own stories. So your initial intention needs to be strong and worthy enough to get you to go the distance. This kind of awakening is never easy, and involves much shadow work.
Tayler Bloom: Our inner and outer paths must converge, you write, and this may
involve much upheaval, including potentially leaving jobs, marriages
and home locality. How does someone know they are out of alignment in
their convergence of their inner/outer paths, versus being simply
restless / fickle / uncommitted with what they currently have?
Mark Borax: Excellent question. The answer lies in your core nature. Only in your gut can you know the difference between walking away from a love that you're too fickle to ground all the way into, and a relationship that time and again, no matter how real you become, no matter how strongly you try to face it, doesn't really go anywhere. It's a gut-level feeling, an instinctual difference. On an energetic level, on a psychic level, those situations which juice you up and give you energy when you turn toward them, indicate something that's truly for you.
Destiny packs a powerful punch.
When you're hot on its track it ought to quicken you, summon you, magnetize you on a level deeper and more sustainable than a superficial rush. It's like the difference between quick meaningless sex and soul sex. The difference between a home-cooked meal of organic ingredients grown and raised with love versus a TV dinner. In time, with a few such clear distinctions under your belt, you begin to trust yourself more and more.
Tayler Bloom: How does a practice of surrender fit in with willfully moving
towards our authentic self?
Mark Borax: The vast majority of people dwell at a level removed from their core nature. We, most of us, live in a mentalized state, a mental picture of what life would be if we actually ever inhabited it. It's like a massive TV sitcom world with canned laughter. It's very hard to get this point across to those people most entrenched in the sitcom. Who wants to be told that their life's a fraud, a sham, a lie?
To move from that trance-induced vicarious existence to something real is a lifelong practice. It doesn't just happen once and then you're done. Of the main principles I learned studying with Ellias Lonsdale twenty years ago, I'm still working on the same ones, I've just taken it to the 54-year-old version of the work rather than the 34-year-old version. The surrender involved is the surrender into existence. It's a deep, profound movement with the whole of your being. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn't at home during the kiss? Have you ever had intercourse without dropping into the experience and engaging the other person? Have you sat through a class or a party while fully being elsewhere?
Each of these experiences holds you back from engaging your authentic nature. Each sends a message to yourself and your world that says, "Nothing really interesting enough is happening here to engage me." Or, "I'm afraid of what would be raised if I were to really drop in here." The surrender into the authentic self reverses that field, sending the powerful message to self and other that, "I'm here." "I am really, truly, here." "I'm here and I see you." This kind of surrender displaces the false self-construct which we send out as our ambassador into a false world. Like a body sinking into a hot bath, it's a surrender into life, into the juiciness, into the full weight of incarnation.
Tayler Bloom: You founded Soul Level Astrology. How does it differ from
traditional astrology?
Mark Borax: Traditional astrology views the surface of the twelve signs. Soul Level Astrology has one purpose for the birth chart, and one purpose only: as a conduit to the soul, or core nature of a human being. I am far less interested in the fact you have Mars conjunct Saturn in the 5th House, than I am in peering through the wheel to see who you are on a soul level, why you're here, what you did in earlier lives that set this one up. Soul Level Astrology cracks the facade of Gemini, Cancer, Leo, and all the other signs and reveals what they're made of. It's entirely designed to strip away semblance and illusion and get down to what's really going on here. It's not the only way to do it, but it's a powerful tool for anyone wishing to find out who they are and why they're here.
Tayler Bloom: In your practice as a Soul Level Astrologer, what are the ways that
people’s transformations are most often supported by the world or by themselves?
And foiled by the world or by themselves?
Mark Borax: The foiling is always by ourselves, even when it comes to us via the world. See, there is no one world out there. We each co-create our own world. You'll find this out talking to several members of the same family. When you look back through the years and describe the house you grew up in, the family you remember, it soon becomes apparent that there wasn't just one family experience there, but several.
When the world acts up, appearing to block you from transforming, it's helpful to realize that you've just recruited the world (however unconsciously) to obstruct you. Why would you do this? In order to challenge yourself to break through the karma you've been dealing with, and activate your true self. The way the world supports this, and the way you support yourself, is when you recognize that every hindrance, challenge, and obstacle is ultimately there to serve your liberation. Only those things that most get to you can serve you on this deeper level. Only when a person takes full responsibility for their life in this way, can you harness events and patterns into a springboard toward your fuller destiny.
Tayler Bloom: In “2012: Crossing the Bridge to the Future,” you write that the
most important question you had to ask yourself is “Who am I?” How
would you answer that question today?
Mark Borax: I am a writer who tried for forty years to get a book published and finally did it. I am a lover who searched for decades for the kind of love which could engage the souls of the two lovers, and finally found her. I am the father of two young boys who I love enough to care about the fate of the world. I'm a teacher and counselor, a shaman who's doing my best to inspire people to grow beyond the stuck state of current humanity, and bring on a greater future.
Tayler Bloom: Do you find that astrology and numerology intersect? How might you
say these two modalities are different in what they offer? The same?
Mark Borax: Astrology, similar to numerology, tarot, palmistry, runes and other oracles, have their deep nature and their shallow side. Most practitioners of these arts get caught on the surface. Very few readers go deep enough to master the advanced levels of their art. When a reader reads another person in the normal way, which is very surfacey, the danger is always that they impose their own biases and limits on the person they read. Few people have gone far enough into their own core development to be masterful leaders of others. For example, astrologers have always had a bias against Scorpio and Capricorn. I find this in the eyes of many Scorpios and Capricorns who hear that I'm an astrologer, or come for readings in the last twenty-two years -- a look of panic. They're so used to being the bad guys of the zodiac that they flinch at the idea that I'm going to tell them yet another version of why their life is screwed.
In the case of Scorpio, all the baggage of sex and death that our culture hasn't dealt with, all the lies, distortions and falsehoods which the reader may harbor, get laid onto the Scorpio, and the reader may as well make the sign of the cross with their fingers to keep the vampire away. In the case of Capricorn, whatever authority issues the reader hasn't resolved tend to get laid on the Capricorn. So, for any of these oracle arts, there's always the danger of misreading the person. A reader can only guide someone else to the extent that they've gone into the depths of their own life journey.
The similarities between astrology and numerology are that they both deal with numbers. Astrology is strongly based on the 360 degrees of the zodiac. It defines the relationships, or aspects, between planets. It identifies the cycles of timing which deal with planetary movement. It arranges the order of the houses and signs. Numerology also can be traced back to the planets in ancient times, before telescopes, when only seven planets were known by the naked eye. I have great respect for numerologists who use the art to its fullest potential. I have a fondness for all practitioners who strive to transcend their own shortcomings, and wrestle with the important questions enough to be true guides for others.
Tayler Bloom: During your first reading with Ellias Lonsdale, you were told that
you would be a role model for a new style of authority, a style
wherein, as a leader, you would help lead people to their own truths,
rather than having them follow your truths. Has there been any
challenges holding onto this type of leadership, when more and more
people see you as an expert and authority in your role as founder of
Soul Level Astrology, and because of your mastery as an astrologer?
Mark Borax: These are really great questions! I think the most recent version of me rising to this kind of leadership comes more from within than without. I think it's more of a challenge to myself than from others, in that I keep having to remind myself that after all those years operating mostly quietly, outside the system, I've become instantly legitimized due to the success of the book.
Nothing much in me has changed all that much, from all the previous years, but having the book succeed has been a huge weight off me, and an enormous release. Since I was a young boy I saw my destiny to write a book, and at 53, that vision finally came true -- can you sense the pressure I was under all my life to live up to that, and the relief it's now given me to fulfill it?
If people out there are taking my words, say, from my book, or my monthly Cosmic Weather Report that I email out to folks, and quoting it on the Internet, in their own lives, or their own writings, I'm very happy about that. I feel a renewed sense of importance that I get to reach that many more people with my work. If some of those folks are twisting my words to serve their own ends, or misreading my intent, that's the price I have to pay for having achieved my first real measure of popular success. But if you look at all that I write, if you listen to the recordings of my tele-classes or private readings, you notice that the same early counsel of Ellias's still lives in the intent of every word I say. I fully believe that each of us has a core nature that knows exactly why we're here and what we're doing, even if other parts of us forget. In service of that, I use all my visibility and influence to get others to find their own truth. Unless my words resonate with some deeper part of you, don't take anything I say as gospel. I'm here to provoke, instigate, inspire you to find your own truth.
Tayler Bloom: Do you have any future books in the works?
Mark Borax: Today I'm putting the finishing touches on the chapter in my book that will be produced simultaneously as a hardcover and an e-book about the year 2012. It's being written by a variety of authors including Daniel Pinchbeck and George Noory and should be out soon. My chapter is called, "2012: Springing the Soul of a Stuck Species." These are brief chapters, sort of a 2012 primer revealing how different writers are envisioning the current world transformation. As far as my own book I've been struggling with writing a follow-up to my “2012” book, but it hasn't gotten off the ground yet. Anybody wishing to keep posted can sign up for my free monthly newsletter, at markborax.com.
Tayler Bloom: What question would you love to be asked in an interview?
Mark Borax: You've asked some of the best interview questions I've ever gotten. Really, I wish all interviewers were as thoughtful, creative and knowledgeable about my work.
Tayler Bloom: Thank you! That’s one of the nicest compliments I’ve ever gotten. And thank you for taking the time to be here today to share some of the most thoughtful, creative and knowledgeable answers I’ve ever gotten. I appreciate it.
Visit Mark’s website at www.markborax.com
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Sunday, June 22, 2008
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This month, Christopher Moore is here talking to us. Bestselling author of the novels Practical Demonkeeping, Lamb, Fluke, Coyote Blue, Island of the Sequined Love Nun, The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove and Blood-Sucking Fiend, Carl Hiaasen writes that Moore "is a very sick man, in the very best sense of the word."
TAYLER BLOOM: Welcome Christopher, and thanks for taking the time to be here. Your books are wildly humorous, and you've said you always come back to Steinbeck's comic work as a model for voice. What is it about his sense of humor that appeals to you?
CHRISTOPHER MOORE: I like the gentleness of the humor and the forgiveness toward the characters. He shows a lot of empathy toward his characters, which acts as a
portal for the reader to get into the work.
TAYLER BLOOM: Mythological creatures abound in your books. Do you have an interest in the classic mythological hero's journey in structuring your novels? If no, do you outline in any way before writing, or let the story fly with little idea where it may be heading?
CHRISTOPHER MOORE: The outlining depends on the story. I like to know where the story starts, who the main characters are, and how it will end before I start, but I
don't always know how I'll get to the end. I do use archetypal structures, like the acts of plays, or in my book Coyote Blue, the Hero's Journey as laid out by Joseph Campbell. You have to find structure where you can. Trying to build a story from the ground up, without any framework, can be an awful lot of work.
TAYLER BLOOM: You learned how to write suspense by studying Stephen King's early books. How'd you break down the suspense in King and use those techniques yourself? Finally, can you boil down the techniques themselves?
CHRISTOPHER MOORE: I think I learned two important things from King early on, and both from Salem's Lot. First, was how to cliff-hang chapters and use multiple points of view to keep the reader turning pages to answer the questions you formed in his mind in the last chapter, and the other was the willingness to kill off a major character. Once you show the reader that you're willing to do that, you put him on edge, because now you're crazy and anyone could get killed, so there's a lot more at stake. It's not like
TV, where you know the main character has to come back because the show is named for him or her.
TAYLER BLOOM: It took you eight years between the time you decided to be a
professional writer and the time you sold a book. What all did you write in the interim?
CHRISTOPHER MOORE: A few short stories, a lot of long, suffering letters, mostly I just read, catching up on the education that I didn't get formally. I also wrote radio advertising and some radio scripts that I performed on the air. (I was working as a DJ at the time.)
TAYLER BLOOM: I understand you have an appreciation for art – especially painting. Can you tell me more about that? (Have you ever picked up a paintbrush yourself? Been tempted to?)
CHRISTOPHER MOORE: I've been intrigued for years for painters and painting. As I've toured the country I've had an opportunity to visit most of the great art museums in
the U.S. and in the last couple of years, in Europe. I like looking at art, at painting. A couple of hours looking at art puts me in a mind-set where I perceive everything as art, where I see composition in how the world exists. It's a great place to be and in a way it's very self-indulgent, sensual. It's sort of a creative high that hits your brain in that same place that gets stimulated when you're telling a great story. Only lately have I actually picked up a paint brush and started pushing paint around. I have to tell you, it's humbling. On the other hand, I don't have to be good at it, so just making the paintings is a lot of fun.
TAYLER BLOOM: What is it that draws you to experience exotic locales, and to plant your books in them?
CHRISTOPHER MOORE: Well, the reason is two-fold. First, the research gets me out of the house and my own little comfort zone. Second, there's a lot of value in the "first
impression" of an environment, or seeing something with fresh eyes, and since I tend to react to things humorously, a new environment will often inspire some pretty good comedy.
TAYLER BLOOM: Your books are a sort of magical realism. What appeals to you about fantastical versions of reality?
CHRISTOPHER MOORE: I don't think of my work as fitting any genre, really, but I suppose magic realism works better than others. The main attraction for me is that I get bored very easily. I actually started one of my books thinking I wouldn't have anything supernatural happen, and I wasn't ten pages into that before I thought, "Screw that, I need some ghosts and some talking fruit bats and stuff." You can get pathos, drama, and reality in my neighborhood, but you have to go into my stories to feed some motherfuckers to a monster.
TAYLER BLOOM: In your novels are unseen realms where spirits dwell, bats talk
and coyotes trick humans. Outside of your imagination, do you have a sense there's more out there in life than can be seen?
CHRISTOPHER MOORE: I have a sense of it, but I don't have any sense of what it is, so I don't commit to a myth. They're all stories to me, and like stories, there are infinite possibilities, but like stories, you can't take them too seriously.
TAYLER BLOOM: What are some of your all-time favorite movies, and what is it
about them you like?
CHRISTOPHER MOORE: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid – I love the dialog, the great timing, and the friendship between the two characters, which kind of goes unspoken. Butch and Sundance were kid of models for Biff and Josh in my book Lamb.
Amalie- I like the look of it, the colors, and the way every scene is visually composed, and I like the inherent sweetness of the character.
City of Lost Children – Same thing. The look. Although it's not sweet like Amalie.
Bladerunner – I just like the darkness, the "steam and wet asphalt" look of it. It's really the movie that began the cyberpunk genre, and visually it was so different and so stunning – it even holds up today, almost 30 years later, as the vision of a bleak but possible future.
Mad Max- Beyond Thunderdome – I like the "making of a myth" aspect of the movie. It really addresses that more than the other Mad Max movies. It's more epic. I like the idea that myths and heroes are always being made – I've explored that theme a lot of my own work. Thunderdome did a great job of it. Plus, chainsaw tard fights. You can't beat that.
TAYLER BLOOM: What question would you love to be asked in an interview?
CHRISTOPHER MOORE: Do you worry that because you write comedy, no one will take you seriously?
TAYLER BLOOM: What's the answer?
CHRISTOPHER MOORE: No. I don't give a damn if I'm taken seriously.
Excellent! Thanks for your time today, Christopher...I look forward to your next book!
Visit Christopher at his website: www.chrismoore.com
Or on Myspace at: www.myspace.com/theauthorguy
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Thursday, April 03, 2008
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Janet Evanovich is the 1 New York Times bestselling author of the Stephanie Plum mystery series.
Tayler Bloom: Welcome Janet. I appreciate you taking the time for this interview. So tell me, how do you pack such powerful emotional wallops into your work?
Janet Evanovich: I think timing plays a large part in emotional impact. And I chose my words carefully.
Tayler Bloom: Who are two of your favorite writers and what specifically about their writing grabs you?
Janet Evanovich: I like Jayne Ann Krentz writing as Amanda Quick because she gives me such a good sense of place and her characters are both mysterious and playful. And I like Bob Crais for his powerful action scenes and his wit.
Tayler Bloom: What has surprised you most about being a bestselling author?
Janet Evanovich: That I really am a bestselling author.
Tayler Bloom: What advice would you give to a new writer wanting to inject humor into their writing?
Janet Evanovich: Never force it.
Tayler Bloom: What does an average day look like for you, ie, schedule, daily writing goals, your writing process?
Janet Evanovich: When I’m in a book, I like to keep the momentum going, so I usually work an eight-hour day, five days a week. I like to be at my computer by 5:00 or 5:30 a.m. I stop writing around 2:00 and become a businessperson, answering phone calls, doing mail, and having discussions with my publicist and whatever. I take an hour or two out in the middle of the day for exercise. Five days a week, I work
evenings answering mail and having phone meetings with my webmaster daughter, Alex. On weekends I work in the morning, but I use the afternoons and evenings for fun. That’s generally how it goes unless I’m behind schedule. When I’m up against a deadline, I go continually day and night. And I really need to be left alone to get the job done. Just slide the Snickers bars under the door.
Tayler Bloom: "Voice" is that ephemeral something that sets an author apart, as your voice in the Stephanie Plum novels has. How did you find the right voice for your work? Any advice for other writers as to how they might access their optimal writing voice?
Janet Evanovich: Actually the voice found me. I didn’t know I had a voice until my editor, Carrie Feron, told me. I think it’s more a matter of recognizing your voice than accessing it. After that it’s important to be consistent.
Thank you so much for your time today, Janet.
Visit Janet's website at: www.janetevanovich.com
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Sunday, December 30, 2007
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Donna Andrews writes two award-winning mystery series, one of which features a blacksmith, the other featuring an artificial intelligence personality. Donna has won the Agatha, Anthony, Barry, Romantic Times, Lefty and Toby Bromberg Awards, and is a member of MWA and Sisters in Crime.
Tayler Bloom: What authors and films make you laugh? What specifically do you like about their humor?
Donna Andrews: Let's see...long list, and I'll probably leave someone out. Monty Python. Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. (Especially Bedazzled.) Joan Hess. Sharyn McCrumb. Charlotte MacLeod. Terry Pratchett. Alexei Panshin's Starwell trilogy. The Twelve Chairs. The Wrong Box. Black Adder. Robin Williams. George Carlin. The Marx Brothers. The Crimson Pirate. Richard Lester. Under the Rainbow. Tom Conti. Boston Legal. Bringing Up Baby. Philadelphia Story. Holiday. The Far Side. Dave Barry.
And as with most humor, if I could articulate what I liked about any of the above, they'd probably stop being funny.
Tayler Bloom: Is writing humor something that comes naturally in the first draft, or something you craft in the rewrites? If so, how?
Donna Andrews: It varies. Some things arrive in the first draft and never change. Others things I tweak and twiddle with a hundred times until I get them right--or until I finally decide they're never going to work and I toss them out.
And I work on humor--especially humorous dialogue--while driving. Honestly. If you see me driving along, apparently talking to myself, I'm probably deep in the throes of creating a really funny scene. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Tayler Bloom: What advice would you give a writer wanting to inject humor into their writing?
Donna Andrews: Stop now while you can! Seriously, humor is very hard; and the idea of
someone making a conscious decision to inject it into his or her writing
doesn't ring true. If humor is the way you react to the world. . . if
it's a tool you use to cope or a weapon you keep in your arsenal against
life's battles . . . if it's second nature, then you should use your
humor in your writing--provided you can capture on paper what amuses you
when you think or say it. Some people appreciate humor and can't
produce it; some people are funny in life but not on paper.
I'm not sure it's possible to teach someone how to write, much less
write funny--you can give people tools and tips and encouragement, but
it's like riding a bicycle--at some point you have to let go of the curb
and do it. And one reason humor is so hard is that analyzing it is like
performing what scientists (and CSIs) call destructive testing--by the
time you're finished, your sample is gone. Is there anything worse than
someone trying to explain a joke? Trying to teach humor is like that.
I remember when my writer friend Ann McMillan was giving a talk doing
research for historical writing. She quoted someone--I can't remember
who, so apologies to the writer I can't credit--who said to do all your
research and then lock it all in a trunk--you won't have to go open your
trunk; the bits of your research that you need for the work your doing
will claw their way out of the trunk on their own and onto your page.
Humor's much the same way. If you're meant to write funny, humor will
creep into what you're doing in spite of you.
So put it on the page, slave over it until you think it's right, then
test it on your trusted critiquers--and brace yourself, because you
might find out that you weren't meant to write humor.
Or maybe, if you're lucky, that you were born to do it.
Tayler Bloom: What does an average day look like for you? Is your writing
schedule set by page counts or hours at the computer? Advantages of this?
Donna Andrews: Well, there's no such thing as an average day--it various enormously,
depending on what stage of the book I'm in. When I'm researching a book
and trying to come up with an outline--yes, I'm an outliner--I might
spend time reading books, searching for information online, and hunting
around for experts in whatever I'm writing about so I can go and pester
them. I work on my outline until I'm happy with it. Remember the Anne
Lamotte advice (in Bird by Bird) about giving yourself permission to
write a shitty first draft? My outlines are like that first draft--not
only are they far from perfect, but they're way too short. Then, when I
am happy with my outline (or, less optimally, if time is ticking away
and I really need to start writing even with an imperfect outline to
finish the book in time), I set myself a schedule--so many words a
day--and try to stick through it until I finish the draft. The number
of words might vary: if I know I have something scheduled for a day, I
might plan only 500 words; if I pretty much have the whole day to play
with, I might plan to write 1000, 1500, 2000 words. I don't worry about
making the draft good--I just try to get that many words I'm reasonably
happy with, and declare that a success--although one of the ways I get
myself into the zone is to reread and revise and polish what I've
already written. Then I usually try to spend at least a few months and
optimally six to eight weeks revising and polishing the book before I
turn it in.
One good thing about having an outline is that if I feel absolutely
stuck about writing the next scene, I can skip ahead to the scene after
that--or to any other scene in the book. I once realized that I had
finished one of my books except for three or four scenes that I just
couldn't see how to write, which left a couple of gaps in the flow of
the book. And the book was quite long enough already So I was relieved
when, on closer inspection, I realized that I didn't actually need
scenes in those gaps--I just needed transitional sentences--something
along the lines of "The next day, after we'd mopped up all the blood and
sent the rug out to be cleaned . . . ")
I find that word counts are much more productive goals than hours at the
computer. It's so easy to fool around with minor, though
writing-related tasks, like tracking down little useful but noncritical
bits of information or agonizing over le mot juste, and fritter away an
hour without getting any appreciable amount of writing done.
Tayler Bloom: What would you say is the best thing about being a writer?
Donna Andrews:Not sure I can say what's the best thing about becoming a writer, since
I can't remember when I wasn't writing--it just took me a long time to
get published. But the best thing about my current life as a full-time
writer is that I get to set my own hours and I have the shortest commute
I've ever had. I remember when I first quit my day job, people kept
asking me how I liked "being retired," or "not working." I got a little
worked up as I explained to them that I was still working, sometimes
harder than ever, I was just doing it from home and on my own schedule.
Reminds me of my friends Tracey and Bill, who quit working for the same
corporation I used to work for to run a small business. I asked them
how they liked it. "It's great," Tracey said. "One thing I like that
now, if management is doing something really stupid--we can just stop
ourselves." Yeah.
Thank you Donna for a great interview. Visit Donna Andrews website at:
www.donnaandrews.com
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Monday, November 12, 2007
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Roberta Isleib is an Agatha and Anthony Award-nominated writer for her Golf Lover's Mysteries.
Tayler Bloom: How has your writing developed from one book to the next in terms of craft?
Roberta Isleib: Hi Tayler, first, thanks for taking the time and space to interview me! I hope my craft has developed quite a bit since I began writing back in 2000. Though I've always read mysteries, I had never before tried to write one. There are so many things to worry about--an interesting yet sensible plot, characters with believable relationships and motives, and the writing
itself.
Even now, after six mysteries in print and two in the pipeline, I read everything I can get my hands on about writing and mysteries--currently it's Donald Maas's WRITING THE BREAKOUT NOVEL. I belong to a number of professional writers' organizations (Sisters in Crime, Mystery Writers of America, Romance Writers of America, the Authors Guild), where I've found loads of support and educational opportunities. I also belong to a writers group, and I've used an amazing independent editor. Hopefully it all adds up to each book being a little stronger than the last.
Tayler Bloom: How would you compare the experience of writing your first novel with your fourth or fifth novel?
Roberta Isleib: I really had no idea what I was doing with the first one, FINAL ROUND! Luckily, I had a lot of time to think about it and polish it. And in fact, that first book never made it into print, though it did sell the series. The main character was a caddie, rather than an actual golfer, and my publisher preferred that Cassie take a more central role. I was upset about "wasting" all that work, but when I look back at that manuscript, I have to say I'm relieved it's still in the drawer! I've learned so much over the past seven years.
I'm working on my second series--PREACHING TO THE CORPSE, the second advice column mystery will be out in December. I seem to have a better sense of following the characters lead, rather than trying to force them into a plot that I've constructed. Believe me, the writing comes more easily and turns out better too!
Tayler Bloom: You are a Macavity Award nominee for your short fiction this year. What specific skills developed in short fiction can be transferred to your novel-length fiction?
Roberta Isleib: I've written more novels than short stories and most of them have featured the characters I'm considering using in the longer mysteries. I think short stories are harder because you need a jewel of a concept that can be explored and brought to fruition in a few pages. No time for lovely descriptions or extensive character development--every word counts! "Disturbance in the Field" was nominated for an Agatha and is currently up for a Macavity award. Dr. Rebecca Butterman and Detective Jack Meigs, the characters in my advice column mysteries, are in this story. You can read it on my website: http://www.robertaisleib.com
Tayler Bloom: Your Golf Lovers Mystery novels have been Anthony Award nominees. How are authors chosen for nomination? What are the criteria the entries are judged by? Did you attend the awards ceremony when you were up as a nominee? If so, what was that experience like?
Roberta Isleib: Both the Agatha and the Anthony nominations and awards are determined by fan vote. I've attended all of the awards ceremonies so far--three Agathas and an Anthony, with a Macavity coming up in Alaska. Each time was a thrill! Of course I'd love to be the one to step up and receive the award some day, but just being recognized is a wonderful feeling. Writing is a hard and lonely job so having folks recognize your books means an awful lot.
Tayler Bloom: What about the writing life has surprised you the most?
Roberta Isleib: I have developed a network of wonderful friends and colleagues that I couldn't have imagined before I started. I've never worked so hard in my life, but I'm having a blast!
Thank you Roberta for the great interview!
Visit Roberta Isleib's website at: www.robertaisleib.com
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Friday, September 14, 2007
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Library Journal gives Eric Stone's newest release, GRAVE IMPORTS, a Starred review, writing that it is "a fast-paced thriller that turns into a deeper social novel...a mystery plot with some substance." Gayle Lynds says it is a "wild and riveting ride," while Laura Lippman wrote that his last book, LIVING ROOM OF THE DEAD, was "a stylish, fresh take on classic noir themes."
Tayler Bloom: You begin your book tour for GRAVE IMPORTS soon. Tell me about it.
Eric Stone: I love book tours. Most of my fellow writers, especially the ones with a lot of books out, think I'm nuts. But I love touring and I love driving and I combine the two. On my first book tour I drove nearly 10,000 miles around the country. I'm going to do about the same this time. So first off, there's a whole lot of scheduling that needs to happen far in advance. Bookstores, especially ones that have a lot of events, often book those events as much as six months in advance. So I work out where I want to go, the logistics of getting there and then start contacting stores way in advance. On my first book tour I got to know a lot of booksellers, so I book those ones myself. The publicist who works with my publisher, has been booking the others, but we've had to carefully coordinate our efforts because of the dates and times and in my case, driving times. First we contact the stores - or in a couple of cases, other venues - to tell them about the new book that's coming out. Then we send them advanced reading copies of the book. Then I follow up with a call or an email suggesting a date that would work for me for an event, and I tell them a little about what sort of event I have in mind. Then if they say yes I plug it into the calendar. Since I've worked as a photographer, I also love putting together posters for events. So about a month before each event I send out a poster or two to the store with one of my photos and the book cover on it.
Tayler Bloom: Tell me about the presentation you'll be giving during your tour.
Eric Stone: It's a rare writer who can keep a crowd entertained all by themselves. I'm not a bad reader, and I seem to get plenty of laughs when I talk at bookstores or libraries or wherever, but there are now so many writers out there, flogging so many books, that you've got to do something, anything, to stand out from the crowd. I take pictures. And I also have a love for odd, foreign pop music. And I've learned to use PowerPoint. So I put all that together and created a presentation of photos of the places I am writing about, along with pop music from the place. It gives me a way to talk about the book in a fuller context, and gives the audience something more to look at than simply me standing there yammering at them. I do get a lot of questions from people though about when is the coffee table picture book version of my book coming out. I've passed that along to my publisher. I don't think there are any plans for it.
Tayler Bloom: Prior to writing books, you were a journalist. What lead you to that profession and where did it end up taking you?
Eric Stone: I was the kind of obnoxious little kid who put together neighborhood newsletters and things like that. One of my first jobs was with an underground paper in the '60s in L.A. I got a BA in journalism and had the misfortune to graduate in 1974, at the height of Watergate when everybody wanted to be investigative reporters. Competition for writing jobs was fierce. I'd always enjoyed photography as well, so I snuck into journalism that way. I eventually got back into writing by doing freelance travel pieces about places that magazines couldn't afford to send both a photographer and a writer - like Timbuktoo and Central Borneo. Eventually some of my Asia stories got me noticed and I was offered a job as an associate editor of a financial magazine based in Hong Kong.
At first I thought financial writing was going to be dull, but I did want to try living overseas. Over the next 11 years I lived in Asia, and covered topics ranging from business to politics, the arts to sex, sports to crime. I ended up running my own small publishing company and after it went bankrupt I was in demand as a publishing consultant.
Tayler Bloom: What was it like running your own publishing company in Asia?
Eric Stone: After I'd been in Asia for seven years I got offered a job by a big publishing company in Bangkok. They wanted me to be the founding editor of a business magazine for the Mekong River area. I turned them down, but it got me thinking about what I knew about starting up and running a magazine.
I started looking around for an underserved topic. I hit on the idea of sustainable economic development. It was 1993 and the height of the Asian economic boom, so I started Prospects magazine - a very glossy business development magazine. The whole thing worked pretty well for two years until it ran out of money and I had to shut it down.
What I learned from it was pretty much what anyone who goes into publishing learns - with a few rare exceptions. It is best summed up by the old joke: "How do you make a little money in publishing? Start with a lot." The company ran out of money and the last issue of the magazine came out in September 1995. Of course, once I'd run a publishing company that went bankrupt, I was suddenly in demand as a "publishing consultant." I guess people figured I knew what not to do. At least one publishing company I helped start, in Singapore, is still going - 14 years later - so I guess I did learn a thing or two.
Tayler Bloom: What led you away from journalism and towards writing fiction?
Eric Stone: I was in Asia at a particularly exciting time, 1986-97, the real height of the Asian economic boom. Then in 1997 and '98 the economic crisis hit, the party came to a crashing halt. I had also got to what I felt was the point of no return - either stay and become a permanent expatriate, or return to the U.S. and try to recapture a sense of home. I went home.
The first year was a very difficult transition. I spent most of that year doing consulting work for different publishing companies interested in Asia. After a year, one of the companies offered me a job as editor-in-chief of three financial magazines based in San Francisco. It was the height of the dot com boom and they had money to spend. I took the job and it was awful. They lacked editorial independence and sales decisions always trumped editorial. After about a year the dot com boom began to go bust and the magazines began to go down with that ship. I'd had enough anyhow, so I quit.
I'd always wanted to write at least one book, and I came across the transcripts of an extensive interview I had done before I moved to Asia. The guy had been a major league baseball player in the 1940s, and a gangster in the off-season. In 1949 he committed a murder, got caught and then became famous in the 1950s playing baseball in prison. Rereading the interview, I thought it might make for an interesting book. The whole thing snowballed into a biography called WRONG SIDE OF THE WALL.
Once the first book sold, I thought I'd like to try and write a novel, since I've always loved fiction, especially crime fiction. Flushed with enthusiasm, I wrote my first novel in about three months. It was based on a story involving a gold scam in Indonesia, that I had covered as a journalist. I sent it to a friend who is a writer to see what he thought of it. It turned out that he also worked as an editor for St. Martins and he offered to buy it for the publisher.
I got so excited by that, that I quickly wrote another one - this one based on a true story involving Russian prostitutes in Macau, near Hong Kong. I sent that to my friend before the contract was signed on the first one. He liked that one even better and thought it would be a better start to a series. So that book became my first published novel, THE LIVING ROOM OF THE DEAD. The second novel in the series, GRAVE IMPORTS, is coming out at the end of this September, and it's also based on a true story - in this case involving the trade in stolen Cambodian antiquities.
So far all of my fiction is based on stories that I covered, or know well, from when I worked as a journalist in Asia. I was always much more of a feature and analysis writer, than a hard news reporter, so I think the eye I developed for detail and quirky elements that help to inform and broaden a story, and to put it into a bigger context, have a huge impact on the way I write fiction. I like stories that deal with big, international issues, but by focussing on smaller, personal matters. I think the type of journalist I was, is what led me to that.
Tayler Bloom: What sort of research is involved in writing your novels.
Eric Stone: When I'm basing a novel on a true story, I don't want to delve too deeply into the real story for fear that it will inhibit the fiction, or it will bog down into reporting, rather than story telling or action. Book four in my series will mostly be set in Shanghai and I intend to spend six weeks to two months there next year for research. THE LIVING ROOM OF THE DEAD presented a problem because it ended up in Vladivostok, Russia and I've never been there and didn't get the chance to go there for research. But I found photos of the places, street maps, guidebooks and also found two expatriates living there who I could email to ask questions. Two people who read the book and who had lived in Vladivostok told me they couldn't believe I'd never been there. I was very pleased with that.
Tayler Bloom: What advice would you give those authors just starting out?
Eric Stone: Write what you're enthusiastic about. Sure, you need to try and sell it and certain things sell better than others. So find a topic that has a chance to sell, that you are enthusiastic about.
Write what you know. That doesn't mean you have to know it all personally, that's what research is for. You need to be the authority on your story, your characters, the setting.
Write so that it makes sense. This is especially true with fiction. When I was a journalist all I had to do was write the facts. No matter how bizarre, illogical or peculiar, if I stuck to the facts I could get away with it - "sure this doesn't make any sense to me either, but that's the way it happened." You can't do that with fiction. Fiction needs to be more logical than fact. Even the wildest, most speculative science fiction needs to have strong, internal logic.
Get it done. The worst thing a writer can do is to constantly attempt perfection. Just write the thing, with all its imperfections and problems, write it all the way through to the end without tweaking it while you go along. Then, when it's done, that's the time for tweaking it, perfecting it.
Find at least one, preferably two or three, good readers who will be brutally honest with you. Leave them alone to read what you've written. Keep your mouth shut when they tell you what they thought - even if they are totally tearing your heart out. Take some deep breaths, a drink and let it all rest for a day or two. Then calmly, rationally, consider what they had to say and make use of the useful parts.
Write. Every day. Even if you can only do it for an hour, sit down and do it. Writing's a muscle. Even if some days it's just plain awful and really really hard, keep doing it.
Thank you for your time today Eric!
Visit Eric's website at www.ericstone.com
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USA Today and New York Times bestselling author, Jennifer Crusie, is known for her romantic comedies, but there's a solid mystery behind more than one of her stories.
Tayler Bloom: What about the publishing industry has surprised you most?
Jenny Cruisie: That it is such a crapshoot and everybody's guessing with fingers crossed. Somebody once said that publishing isn't a business, it's a casino, and that's so true. If you can't take risks, ride the wins and losses and roll the dice again, publishing will make you insane.
Tayler Bloom: How do you create and maintain the furiously fast pace of your romantic comedy novels?
Jenny Crusie: After the first draft, which is completely off the top of my head, I work like crazy on structure, making sure that the acts in my novels grow shorter, that the turning points arc in tension, that each beat of each scene increases in tension, and a dozen other things. The first draft is pure creativity, but after that it's creativity and craft, which is what Bob Mayer and I are talking about in Crusie-Mayer Writing Workshop we're doing now at www.crusiemayer.com
Tayler Bloom: What advice would you give writers aiming for a comic tone in their own novels?
Jenny Crusie: Don't aim for a comic tone. Write the stories you need to write in your voice and the voices of your characters. If that turns out to be funny, you've got a comedy. If it doesn't you're writing something else. Embrace that.
Thank you. Visit Jennifer Cruisie's website at www.jennycrusie.com
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