1) Does anyone even use MySpace anymore? I don't, really. But some people like to get in touch here, so hello to you. Look for more more on my Facebook page and dantelfer.com

2) Novella is almost 10 months old. She has taken 5+ steps at a time, says a lot of gibberish and about 5 real words, and is really freaking tall for her age.

3) Stand-up has never been better. I am performing in more and more clubs, getting paid actual money, and doing longer sets. Keep an eye on my dates, I will still come here to update my calendar whenever I can.

4) It's true, I am writing short, fake guides. You can buy them here: http://www.lulu.com/dantelfer

5) I may have some very cool comedy-related news in the next couple of months, but there is a bit of a wait. Wish me luck if you're that kind of person!

Alright, back to the grind.

Still waiting to hear on specific dates, but I'll be at the Los Angeles Comedy Festival this November. Stay tuned!

I finally buckled down. After a long time of using lack of website knowledge and expertise as an excuse, I created a nice and simple dantelfer.com. I might update this blog still, but I'll be posting comedy/me stuff over there primarily I think.

The beauty is it has an RSS feed, so my nerd friends may actually start reading my blog.

I was excited to discover there is an Australian rugby team called the Parramatta Eels.  Do you understand what this means? I could get a fucking sports jersey that says EELS on it.

Based on my love of EELS, I am very tempted to ask for this for Christmas. To hell with the cheap irony, I find it delightful.

So for about 2 weeks I've been on the Weight Watchers "Core" plan. It's my first ever diet, not including my vegetarianism.

No energy drinks, no booze, no bread, no candy.

I've lost about 10 pounds.

There are lots of hard parts but the main one is learning how addicted I am to snacks. My skin itches not being able to shovel them into my mouth during a work day. I am loathe to toss around the word "addicted", when I believe the term is overused in general by lazy people and fatties, but my blood pressure goes up just thinking about how I can't dip my hand in a recepticle and come up with things to put in my face. It's like I have a lame kind of diabetes where my body can't produce a chemical to control my shovel-reflex.

Anyway, so far so good. I can't believe how fast I'm losing weight- I have definitely been eating garbage most of my life. On this plan there is no portion control, just a limit to WHAT you eat. So it's nice to stuff myself silly on a curry dinner or vegetarian moussaka and still lose some of my considerable flub. If I lose 12 more pounds, I'll be the lightest I've been since, shit, my freshman year of college over 10 years ago.

Things I miss so bad I have been reduced to VERY near tears:
-The entire Reese's catalog
-Red Bull
-Monster
-Amp
-Rockstar
-Sourdough bread
-Tortillas
-Beat Kitchen's original veggie burgers
-Dragon's Milk Ale
-Wine
-Egg and cheese on a bagel
-Hashbrowns
-Lattes
-Mochas

Okay, there's probably more now but I am getting flustered typing this list. Off to Wii Fit I go.

Parkour (or free running) is pretty cool, huh?

Here's a typical video of what awesome people do, you know, when they're feeling amped and ready to roll:



It's basically what people do when they're tricked out, badass, and maybe using a little crystal meth.

Well, check it out yo, here's a rare video of the first ever Free Runner!

Not much to say because I am neck-deep in preparations for this.

The upside is that I am now at the editing part of the writing process- my favorite part. It is so excruciating to write down a full narrative, flawed or not, from beginning to end. The page looks so little like the contents of your brain and you constantly want to go back and edit as you write.

But now I get to go back and, line by line, pummel this thing into fucking shape. I like that part. I like taking the guts I dumped onto paper and carving them into a fine gut sculpture.

I'm also 80% done casting. I can't wait till I get that done. I don't want to reveal the badass lineup until it's 100% fleshed out.

Please come, the reading will be a delight, and will be free.

This is the sort of thing that makes me "laugh out loud":



Oh, darkness.

First of all, something is wrong with MySpace's blog stats. 12,000 views today? I don't think so. I only have 30ish subscribers, I don't buy the math.

So a couple years ago, around the time I started focusing on stand-up as opposed to improv and theater, I tried Googling "telfer". I was on the 3rd or 4th page of results. Not too shabby considering there's some worldwide entrepreneurs with my last name.

This morning I Googled "telfer"...

SECOND RESULT, BITCHES.

Second only to the Telfer Oil Company. But ahead of pro soccer player and male model Paul Telfer (fuck that asshole! yes!!!). Oooooh yes, today is a good day.

Still no Dan Telfer wikipedia page, but I hear those are high maintenance anyway. People always going to it, calling you a werewolf.

I have some new shows on the calendar, check them out. I'm in Chicago Underground tomorrow.

Not the TV show, the actual theory.

So I'm watching "Joao Magueijo's Big Bang" on the Science Channel, and his (and the "subversive" science community's) two big arguments against the big bang theory seem like complete bullshit:

-There should be light left over from the big bang to see, and he wants to isolate the radio waves it has become. He has isolated them, and claims to have a map that is full of symmetry. He calls this symmetry the Axis of Evil, because it "pokes holes in the idea that at the big bang, matter was chaotically spread out". Okay, that radio wave map seems like a common enough part of the theory, but if this light escaped and shot out beyond ALL mass at the center of the universe, how would it still be around? Wouldn't it keep shooting out beyond the edge of the universe? Why would it be here, in the middle? This "first light" had no matter to bounce off of and corrupt it's moving out, so shouldn't it not be around anymore?

-He described the Horizon Problem, where he explains that opposite ends of the universe, too far apart to have ever been near each other, are so identical they cannot possibly have avoided contact. But he only uses metaphor and describes no real evidence. Couldn't our technology just be too limited to make that kind of call? I've never heard this "problem" before, and it sounds like it would require enormous amounts of data to be as true as he paints it.

Nobody will respond to this entry. Sigh.