Ode to Dingle

Oh Mexy Mama,

I keeeeellll you

I keeeeeelllll all of you

yeah!!!!

Oh Mexy,
I keeelllll you!

Oh Mexy,

Yeah!

Bah!

Mah!

Wah!

Yeah fuck yeah!!!!

here's teh video of me performing this piece at Frankfurt:

Warning: this is a bit brutal. Aussie Rules football came out of Gaelic football. And some years back some asshole decided it would be a good idea to mix up the rules of the two games, and hold international series between Ireland and Australia.

Which is great for the viewing public, but not so great for our poor bastards who have to play these muscle-bound aussie looneys every two years.
The Australian code is professional, and, as you know, ultra-physical. Gaelic football is amateur, and focuses more on technique. So our lads invariably get hammered... both in terms of points, and in terms of, you know, hammering.
Like I said, though, it makes for great viewing.

Check this out (warning, lot of fighting in this... not for the faint-hearted):

look out for the tackle at 1:00   .... ooohhh, tasty! video gets nastier towards the end.

Here's hurling: a proper gentleman's game. But then again, not really.
This is the All-Ireland hurling final a couple of years back between Cork and Galway. Galway is my team, and they play here in maroon. We got our asses kicked, alas. Plenty of rough-and-tumble in this one too... they're going at it even before the throw-in.

Settle down lads!

Wat's up y'all? to the beat y'all....

I trust I find you all well & dandy. So what's up? Any news? 
Personally, things are only so-so. I need money real bad. If anyone knows a horse who's interested in doing a little porno please let me know. I gots me cameras and the whole bit, and Captain Awesome is lined up to co-star. He is such a diva tho: he wanted me to pay for the vasoline.
'Buy it out of the $25 I'm giving you, you c%^£' I said to him, and smacked him with the back of my hand. That'll teach him.

Right-ho. You got to check this animation dude out - this is the FUNNIEST f&%king thing I've seen in a while:

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=176598481

Yes, yes, yes... it makes no sense at all. Don't complain to me. Let your brain give up in its own time, and swell, and begin to ooze out of your ears. I think he should call the series 'Chicken Licken'.

Don't forget to subscribe to it, because he's got more in the can, and he's gonna continue the story. Earplugs AHOY!!!!!!!!!!!1

sorry to be so long away, but i was working on my weiner-sac theorem.
at last I am finished, and here it is:

principle 1... there are only a finite number of, like, words (at any given moment).

principle 2... there is only one thing which is a weiner-sac, that is to say a human weiner-sac.

We can thus surmise that there can only be a finite number of words which can be used as, uh, ways to also say weiner-sac.

some of these include:

bollocks,
balls,
jinglers,
jiminy-rattlers,
the family jewells,
langer-ballast,
tug-o'-love conkers,

and so on.

i-ight?

paaaaacccccccceeeeeee

ps $1m prize, guaranteed by me, for he or she who proves themselves to be the chosen one for ball-sac namage.
here's one of my bitches guarding the prize-fund

isn't she a corker?

Whoa- have been spending waaaay too much time on MySpace. Seriously gonna have to cut back- am gonna go into hibernation for a week after this blog. I know, I know, it will break your little hearts, and you will miss me posting complete sh*te on Spaces both mine and yours, but what u gonna do.

Anyway: down to business.

I want to pimp a couple of pieces of pretty fly music I came across this week.

First up there's Kes Forrester, who pimped his new 'Dalek' tune yesterday (Dalek Ska). This is seriously mad, but more than a bit good. It's gone onto my mp3 player, and I only let good shit on there.
If you don't know what a Dalek is, then there's no point trying to explain. I reckon maybe it's better not to know, to be honest (they're those bad fuckers from Dr. Who).
Anyway, Kes' tune is different, experimental, but cohesive and polished. None of which matters, really, but what does matter is that it's actually worth downloading and listening to, as an accompaniment to... fuck. OD'ing on a morphine while coming down from ephedrine? I don't know. What genre is it? Let's call it 'Spider Trance'. You could dance to it if you had eight legs, and a hundred eyes.

Just download it, and have a listen. If you think you can handle it.
The particular tune I'm talking about here is 'Dalek Ska', and you will find it at http://www.myspace.com/thebemusmentarcade
I haven't checked out any other stuff there yet. (any1 know how to embed tunes via MS player into a blog?)

Right-o. Next up is a guy (I think it's a guy) called White White Light. I'm not sure how I came across this dude, but I subscribe to maybe 5 poet-kinda blogs (they're all great), but there was a particular something about this guy that piqued my interest- this being that his stuff seemed to be cast in the format of song lyrics. So it was with no great surprise that I found out that he in fact is a lyricist, and in his last post was pimping his latest stuff. His music is at HappyKid: check it- http://www.myspace.com/happykidband
The lyrics to 'Time Bomb Explode' were what brought me to the page, but after checking out his tunes, I like "Jungle Song" best. He's got a kinda Woody Guthrie, minimal thing goin on (tho in the printed word, I thought his lyrics to T.B.Explode were reminiscent of Morrissey). 'Lo-Fi is the new High-Five...', as he (they?) says himself.
WWL haven't made it onto my mp3 player yet, as they're not quite there, imo. But I think this kid's got talent.

So... that's pimpin' done.

But before I go, I promised Jonesy (never let this guy deliver you Pizza) a bit of Ricky Gervais. I think this is pretty damn funny- from 'Animals', taking the p*ss out of Creationism.

You asked for it, you got it...

Jeeez, everything sucks.

Discuss.

Harry Enfield is a big name in comedy in Britain. But I'm willing to bet most of you have never heard of him, so I'm gonna stick this in, and see what you think.

Personally, I hate it when people say 'OMG this is the funniest thing ever!!!', because that's, like, going too far.
So all I'll say is that I reckon a lot of you will find it worth a look.

Isn't YouTube just the best thing ever? Just a couple of lines of random gibberish, embed a clip, and there's your blog 4 the day. Go off, have a cigarette & a cup of tea, maybe see what's shaking down at 'Richard's Realm'.

So, without further ado...

Yeah, so I'm just back from the  boozer, so fucking what?

I was there celebrating: I got good word back from .. well, never mind. I was celebrating, and I went down to have a coupla scoops, the same as any Irishman with a thimblefull of spunk left in him. Which is few enough, but that's a story for another time.

You fucking yanks think you're so great... rambling all over the world, pressing your military might on weak nations, trying to foist your half-assed version of democratic rule on them.

But your might comes not from the bullet and the gun, and believe me when I say that where I come from, we know a thing or two about that (and there are few enough fuckers who have tried that business on with us, and failed to regret it).
It comes instead from your general excellence in... how can I say this without overselling it...

BEAUTY

This is what you guys do so well.

Okay, so I'm back from the boozer, so fucking what?
This crazed drunken Mick, telling you straight, white-assed, full-bat WASPS how to feel about your country. The cheek!
But before you write him off, let this Mick explain his position, and explain what he has been doing for the past couple of hours. And for God's sake, in the wake of  the dreadful events of the day before yesterday, feel a bit of pride, you American scumbags, for your  country.

...Where the streets have no name...

I'm one of these sad bastards who can be moved, to tears, by being confronted with beauty. And for me, beauty comes, primarily, in the form of song. Although I fancy myself as a writer, I recognise that there is nothing, nothing, I will ever achieve which will compare with a sick chord change or an evil guitar riff. Jerry Cantrell or Keith Richards can make shit of any 100,000 word manuscript the finest writer has to offer, as far as I'm concerned, with a quick tap on the distortion pedal, and a five-second twist into the higher frets. I don't care what you think: Mark Twain, IMO the greatest of them all, made me laugh. Made me jealous, made me wish I could one day have a fraction of his skill. But he never made me cry. Jimi and Bob, on the other hand, did.

Maybe I'm just fucked up, but a chord-change by a master is all it takes to lift me from the everyday bullshit of existence, into a different domain entirely.
It's my meditation. It's my elevation from bullshit to something resembling the truth.
It makes me happy. It brings momentary clarity.

So, back to the boozer. Celebrating, as I say, and straight over to the jukebox. And what did this Mick turn to, in this happy hour? What soundtracks to this happy moment did he choose?
He wanted beauty. Half-way around the world from you motherfuckers, the beauty he chose was all-American. The Doors, Alice in Chains, The Rolling Stones (no, they are not British, they are a blues band). He went Queens of the Stone Age, and Metallica 'Fade to Black'. He went Pink Floyd (okay, they are British) and Notorious. He went Jimi, naturally, and he went Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins, The Killers, and Nirvana.
And this shit made his eyelids flutter, as once again he wondered: 'How do they do it? How can a guitar (or miscellaneous) have this effect on me?' 

... Where the streets have no name...

Jeeeeeeessus Chriiiiiiiiiiist!!!!!! (...deny your maker....)

God Bless American cultural hegemony.
The Africans fucked the Ukranians, fucked the Caribbeans, fucked the British, fucked the Polacks, the Hungaros, and the Magyars. Fucked the Irish, fucked the Arabs, fucked the Germans... and at the end of it all, out spat Kurt Cobain, Kirk Hammett, Bob Dylan, Ice Cube, Robert Johnson, Layne Staley, Larry David (just to confuse things)...
Holy shit: how could art as good as this stuff come from a bunch of fucking mongrels like yourselves?

It's a miracle. And it is miraculous.
And if you want to be proud of your country, forget about that cowboy dipshit in the White House flaying napalm over the rest of the world and sending the B-12's in to bomb poor Arab bastards.

Think instead of Jimi, and the rest. And think of how a Mick, thousands of miles away, puts his half-euro into a slot machine, and when he wants pure happiness, buys for three minutes or so a slice of...

American Beauty.

Yes, it's happened again.

Virginia Tech: 28 dead at the time of posting.
Poor fuckers, going about their regular daily business just the same as you or me. Shot without mercy by a crazed lunatic.
May they rest in peace, and may their families find comfort.

And so, let me tell you a little story. It covers old ground and you won't learn anything from it, but what the hell, I'll tell it anyway.
Maybe ten miles from where I live is this beautiful village, stuck in the back-arse of nowhere and clinging onto the Atlantic coastline, called Kinvara.

not me or mine, incidentally (though I'd give her 1, i think- can't see her too good)

Pretty, no? The tourist brochures will call it a 'fishing village', but of course it's nothing of the kind: the residents are mostly rich imitation-bohos nowadays. I used to go drinking there sometimes, but, as the man said, that's another story.

Anyway, enough with the geography lesson. Look at this third pic below, of a castle just outside the town. Just to the left of the castle as you look at it is a wee gravelly outcrop jutting into the sea, away from the town, where you can stop in off the road and park up. It's idyllic, calm. Again, a good place for drinking, but that's by the by. 

A couple of years ago a dreadful, unthinkable thing occurred at this very spot. A mother parked up, facing the water, with her two young children fastened in the back seat of her car. According to onlookers, she didn't get out, just hung around for a while enjoying the view and the sea breeze. Eventually, she turned her key, put the car into first, and accelerated straight off the end of the pier.
Suicide: and she took her two innocent children with her.

What goes through the minds of people like this? That's a rhetorical question. It goes without saying that you don't know, and that if I ever find out, it will be the last thing I ever learn. On the law of averages, I reckon there will be maybe five, probably more, people reading this blog who have seriously contemplated suicide at one time or another. I don't think even you fuckers can tell me. I don't think that even you guys know the kind of shit that would compel a mother to kill herself and her children.

My point is this: there are dangerous lunatics everywhere (with respect to that poor deranged woman), capable of things which most of us just cannot comprehend. Even in the most serene, chilled-out places on Earth, people occasionally flip, go nuts, lose every semblance of humanity.
Which is bad.
But you know what's worse than an unpredictable, homicidal maniac? You already know the answer. An unpredictable, homicidal maniac with access to firearms.
Going back to that woman driving off the pier: who knows what she might have done, given access to guns? (Admittedly, I can't remember a single instance of a woman going on a shooting rampage, but the principle still holds.) Three dead; tragedy. A classroom shot up; fucking calamity.

There are maniacs everywhere, fully capable of walking into a school or office block and murdering everyone in sight.
And it happens, all over the world (Osaka, Dunblane etc.) But, there's little doubt, it happens most of all in the USA.
Columbine, Jonesboro, the Amish country massacre, Santana High School... had enough yet? Tom McIlvane, Texas A&M, Jeff Weise...

Ah, screw it. I hate to agree with that fat bastard Michael Moore on any issue, but on guns, I have to say I'm with him all the way down the line.
Tighten up gun control, America. Better yet, do something about  that troublesome line in your constitution, written for a different people, a different time, which is now merely idiotic and dangerous. And don't give me that 'sacred constitution' bullshit, either. The rest of the western world does not need any such constitutional 'right' as that to hold deadly weapons (except the Swiss, and you don't want to turn out like them), and we rarely find ourselves in shootouts with government agents. Although it happens sometimes...

Get rid of the guns, that's what I say. There is a classroom full of kids somewhere that's next on the list for some A.K.-toting crazy, and you know it. 

Yeah, well... I told you you wouldn't learn anything from it. Just the same old, same old. People have been saying it for years. And this kind of thing is still happening. Plus ca change.

********

p.s. Minerva ripped off one of my blogs, pissed around with it, and posted it as her own work. That's not just shit blogging, that's just plain pathetic.

Get a fucking life
(my version is called 'Feint Randy...Devil, her version [some dude]... the Devil - check them out)

********

Okay, kinda a grim and morbid one for a Sunday morning, but what song would you like to be buried to? You know, the song you would want them to play as they haul your sorry oak-panelled ass down through the church (etc.) for the last time.

Personally, I don't know. I'm going to go with 'Crystal Ship' by The Doors. Partly because it's pretty fucking mean and trippy, and partly because it's not too long. As in life, length matters a good deal in this accompaniment to the final journey: asking for 'Shine On You Crazy Diamond' or the long version of 'Free Bird' will just be plain rude to your guests.
And you don't want to piss them off, do you?

Check it out scumbags: Crystal Ship for those of you saying 'which one is that again?' Man, I love this shit.