Because I rarely come here, as most people have already noticed.

Eh y'know how it is...you get busy, you lose sight of things that once brought you joy...until you have a free moment to then go back and enjoy them once more.

So if you're one of those people who actually WANTS to know what's going on with me, go to the site in the title. And there ya go.

Have a good one! Ciao.

This is semi-cross posted from my facebook note :3

Been doing a lot of thinking lately...

Actually...can't say it's just been lately...think all the damn time, but LATELY...I've been thinking about serious things...*I know..me? Serious?! :O*

And I'm at that point in my life where....I just want to forgive and forget.

I'm tired of feeling awkward towards some people for having a falling out.

I'm tired of lingering resentment.

I'm tired of knowing that there are awesome people out there that I should know better, yet so much time has passed, that we're more like strangers than friends :/

I'm tired of wondering who my true friends are, or when someone is going to stab me in the back.

The pettiness...the silent treatment...the overall awkwardness...just sick and bloody tired of it all :/. I feel like I am too damn old to continue to harbor any ill will towards anyone anymore...it just drains me of energy.

I don't like feeling this way, and I doubt there are many people who enjoy feeling hurt or not knowing where they stand.

But...at the same time...as much as I want to open my arms wide and say "It's all in the past"...I'm still...hesitant to do so. Been hurt many a time in the past by people I thought would never hurt me...but I was naive to think such a thing...even good friends manage to hurt each other on the odd occasion...doesn't mean that they no longer care about the other person, am I right? o.o I think that this hesitation also prevents me from opening up to new people I've encountered, as well as people I've known from the past...guess I fear I'll let someone down, or that I will be taken advantage of or misunderstood.

But I know I can't just stay like this. And I truly hate thinking I've hurt anyone or that anyone has anger directed at me for whatever reason...whether they felt let down that I couldn't be who they wanted to be, or I wasn't the person they thought they knew. I'm far from being a saint that's for damn sure, and so I don't feel it's right to point a finger at anyone and judge them.

And it's funny...I have a lot of people on various online sites that I supposedly 'know'...but yet, I hardly talk to any of them, only a select few who decided they weren't going to allow me to hide in the shadows and took the first step to contact me. But I realize not everyone is like that.

Why do I fear people's view of me so much? I guess...I just want to be the best person I can be, and I feel that lately I haven't shown myself to be an outstanding person...I feel like I've failed many a person by just being myself, as odd as that may seem .__. I know that there are things that I expect from people...like respect, manners and such...and I guess I don't feel that I am being valued for the person that I am...that people still view me with a sense of indifference.

When did I suddenly become so insecure? *sighs*

I was hoping that somehow...SOMEHOW...I could contain my illness to just myself.

I've been disposing of my affectionately termed 'snot rags' in a hygienic matter...

I've been washing my hands with soap and the hand sanitizer like it's going out of style.

And as much as it pains me....I've been keeping my kisses and squishy hugs to myself and resorted to giving gentle pats/rubs on the back instead, JUST so that they wouldn't catch anything.

But it was all in vain sadly, for now my poor l'il Crystal has what I have .__.

She's been puking and now it's hit her intestinal track so she has to deal with a bad case of the runs as well D;

She's being a trooper, but she's hurting from puking so much and she tries not to cry but she just can't help herself T^T

I'd gladly take on her illness on top of what I've already got just so she wouldn't have to suffer through it. And I fear that it's only a matter of time before Amber gets it too ;~;

WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE POWERS TO HEAL?! D<

It's times like these...that I feel worthless as a parent :/

I despise the snow.

And I envy people that enjoy it.

Sometimes I wish I was a kid again. Because I'm starting to realize that I don't see the same things that my children do.

After I picked the girlies up from school this afternoon, the first thing they wanted to do is dive right into the cold fluffy stuff. At first I was going to tell them that we needed to get going cause all I wanted to do was go home and have a nice cup of hot cocoa...but I could see how happy they were to frolick about...making snow angels, digging tunnels, jumping into the mounds of newly fallen snow...and suddenly...I decided to stop being old for a moment and just watch them enjoy themselves. Sure, I still hate the cold and dread having to shovel snow on a semi constant basis...but getting a chance to enjoy winter through their eyes made my cherish my time outside instead of dreading it.

Then I started to realize...I truly am getting old. When did I start forgetting about finding enjoyment in my surroundings? When did I get so cranky?

Nothing like having children to change your perspective on things ;D

It's one of those days where you feel like shit. Emotionally shitty, physically shitty...just a craptastic day in general.

I'm already feeling rather sad at the moment for having to hurt someone I care about with the truth...but now I have physical pain on top of it, so I feel worse than I normally should...it's like my added pain is just intensifying how blah I feel.

I hate days like this. I just want to be alone, but that's not an option considering I have to watch 5 children at 4 this afternoon *2 are my own*...one is a toddler O__O;

How on earth am I to keep my sanity during this situation? Kids tend to take advantage of you when you're not feeling your best, and I'm going to have a kid army to contend with >.<

*sings* Make the world go away...

Get it off my shoulder...

Say the things we used to say...

And make the world, make it go away.



Now I’m sorry if I hurt you...

Let me make it up to you day by day.

And if you will please forgive me...

And make the world, make it go away.

Anyone got any rum they'd be willing to share with me? Anyone? Doh. .__.

Well it's officially a new year.

But I don't seem to have very much enthusiasm towards this new beginning.

I should be embracing the fact that I can get a clean slate to work with...but the thing is, it's not a clean slate...the same shit I dealt with last year is still in affect this year...or maybe I'm just dwelling too much on the unpleasantness of last year and need to focus on the here and now and future.

It's hard being a reformed pessimist. My first instinct is to be pessimistic, but I became tired of that way of viewing things long ago and have been actively working on seeing the good instead of focusing on the bad. And...it's proving to be quite the struggle. I SO badly want to view the world in rose coloured glasses, even if I'm just fooling myself in the long run.

Lately I've been feeling pressure all around me...people expecting things of me...my time, my help, my companionship...next they'll have me moving cinder blocks for them.

But this year...I need to focus on myself and what's right for me and my girls, and stop bending over backwards to please everyone else around me when the lion's share of them could care less about my well being or how their demands/clingyness affects me. Some people aren't even aware that they're BEING overly clingy towards me...and sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating.

So...I've been taking the steps to get things in order for me...things I need to do to better myself and my children's lives...and in the process, I will be forced to make a few decisions that may not be liked by some...but hopefully they will understand and not shun me for trying to do what is right and respect my decisions even if they don't like them.

Sometimes I loathe the fact that I have to be so responsible. But I've kicked my feet in the dirt and procrastinated for as long as I could...but now, I gotta get my ass in gear and get down to the nitty gritty.

Also...sometimes I wish I didn't have such a big damn heart...things would be so much easier if I didn't care about how my actions affected others :/

But this year, I have decided, will be one for personal growth...and in order to grow, changed need to be made, even if they aren't easy or liked by everyone. Can't go around sugar coating things for everyone else's convience.

2009 should be a hoot.

Cross posted from my lj :3

Feeling a tad blue and needing a break from laundry/cleaning, the girls and I went over to my friend Robyn's for a bit before deciding to walk over to the store to get refreshments.

Now I don't know if other parents do this, but I make it a priority to engage in conversation with my children over a variety of topics...I feel it important to me that my children know that I actually WANT to hear what they have to say...so many children are left unheard by the people they love the most...and I'd never want to do that to my two.

So as the sun shone brightly down upon us, we made our way through a big field towards the store, chatting merrily about the weather and how beautiful the day was...and as walked we noticed a few pieces of litter on the ground. My eldest, Amber, sadly remarked on how people could be so careless and Crystal crinkled up her nose and fumed at the idea that people are so lazy, and instantly they sprang off and scooped them up and we continued to talk about the environment.

It..really warmed my heart to see them...so wise of their surroundings and their eagerness to help. We found a couple of plastic bags and filled them both to the brim and tossed them into nearby dumpster and proceeded to reward ourselves with something cool to drink.

My heart feels like it's flying...it's light and happy and warm...and with them finally home again, I've realized just how much I've missed them and I'm so thankful I have them in my life...they have such a lovely way of lifting up my spirits <3

Ah...July's almost over. It's amazing how the days/weeks just merged into one...I hardly have any concept of time anymore...always running around doing something :O

Right now I'm having a moment of pampering...dying my hair back to it's intense shade of red *all those days of swimming changed my red hair kinda orange/blonde DX* while my girlies are out and about playing with friends. I'm tellin' ya...I'm looking forward to when my girlies go to visit with their dad and my friends kids go away camping...it's not that I don't enjoy spending time with my children...I'm running around day after day, doing whatever they want...but I seriously SERIOUSLY need a vacation...from the girls' friends coming over anytime they please, to sleepovers...I need a break from the kids..I'm going a tad mental from being run ragged D:

I've been trying to think of things to do while they're gone...and one thing has popped into my mind, but I doubt it's plausible...I'd have to sneak in and I'm getting to the point where I'm too old to try to get into mischief X3 I DO know that I will be enjoying hanging out with my friends more often and having more free time to my disposal...but I know that within a few days I'm going to be missing my daughters like whoa .___.

Well, just a little update...gotta wash out my hair dye and go and get changed...supposed to be drawing a design for a tattoo for a friend of mine a little later on :3

Have a good one folks, all my best to you and yours *huggles* :D ^__^ <333

Well hello there fellow myspace users/buddies! ;)

Yeah yeah, I know, it's been awhile since I've bothered to write anything here...was going through a lot the last time I wrote something...and I seem to be going through more unexpected things atm ^__^;;

On one hand, I am thrilled with how things are, but at the same time I feel smothered...I feel free, yet caged...confusing much? Yeah, such is my life these days.

Ever since I turned 30, I've been viewing things differently...viewing my friendships differently...and I have come to realize that I put up with way too much unnecessary shit for my own good. There's nothing wrong with being there for friends and loved ones, but when it no longer is enjoyable and it just seems like work...then something's gotta give.

I've also come to realize that there are many of my friends that I've lost contact with due to conflicting schedules/the randomness of life. And that...disappoints me, because I'm naturally a social butterfly, I enjoy chit chatting with my friends around the world, but I haven't been able to touch base with some really outstanding people...and I miss them more than words can say .__. But I wonder...if they even think of me anymore...lord knows I've been away for what seems like ages, and they probably think I could care less about them. They'd be wrong in thinking this, but I wouldn't blame them if they did.

Blah blah blah etc etc...I don't think this entry really accomplished anything other than to let you all know that yes, I'm still alive, and yes, I'm thinking of you all. I hope you're all enjoying the warmer temperature and havin' some good ol' fun in the sun.

Much love,
<3,
Tess

It seems that I am lost.

 

Can someone help find me please? I'd be ever so grateful *nods* <3