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Sarcasmo



Last Updated: 11/3/2008

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Gender: Male
Status: Engaged
Age: 31
Sign: Libra

City: Oceanside
State: California
Country: US
Signup Date: 4/2/2006

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Tuesday, August 05, 2008 

Current mood:  understimulated


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQRav9c_EKQ


I just HEARD this when I was about half asleep, and I laughed myself awake. If you don't piss yourself, God will kill a kitten. LAUGH YOU BASTARDS!!

3:54 PM 
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Saturday, September 15, 2007 
That's not entirely true...I've had time, but I also have a girlfriend, a job, and a lot of network television to catch up on.

Myspace is just not a terribly high priority anymore, and if any of you feel snubbed...ask for my number and call me.  I'm much easier and more fun to talk to in person.  These blog entries inevitably devolve into senseless meanderings exacerbated by an overdeveloped vocabulary.  Thanks Mick and Myrna.  Thanks alot.  Years and years of weird looks; all your fault.

Is it the constant barrage of spam sites for "girls" who are just champing at the bit to show me how naked they can get?  Is it survey after survey that asks me the same 45 questions over and over again?  Is it the horrible grammar, spelling, and thought processes that make me want to drink something corrosive?  I completely recognize the hypocritical situation I've placed myself in; complaining about a social website using their blogging service.  I've never said that my logic wasn't flawed.

Myspace is kinda like the mall for me.  I enjoy going to the mall on the rare occasion.  I can wander around and look at stuff and enjoy myself for a time...but pretty soon there are too many people, and they're all very very annoying.  They make me want to do bad things.  Well, snotty, passive agressive things, anyway.

I mean, seriously...how many times am I going to read a chain forward about my love life, or some urban legend that, if not IMMEDIATELY PASSED ON LIKE THE CLAP, will ruin my life in a hundred horrible ways?  I honestly have gotten to the point where I absolutely refuse to pass on anything.  As a rule, I must challenge the cosmos to smite me with years of a shitty love life, or being labeled un-patriotic, or bashed over the head with a shovel and violated by the cast of Golden Girls.  So far?  Nada.  Has ANYONE out there ever had the bad luck that this warns about?  Has anyone ever ignored the repeated warnings of the Myspace Emergency Broadcast System and subsequently found themselves enveloped in a tornado of shitty luck?  I generally like to use metaphors to make myself sound smarter.  I realize they make me sound like a dork and a nutjob.  You don't need to point that out.

I guess the point of this whole post is...I don't have one.  I'm just waiting patiently for Kara to wake up so that we can move into our new, bad-ass apartment.  I just wanted to give everyone a heads up as to why I'm seemingly "never around."  Somehow my ego has convinced me that someone out there cares.
8:05 PM 
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Sunday, July 22, 2007 
Alright, now that I have your attention, you weasels, I have something very, very important to tell you:

Stock up on Chocolate Lucky Charms.

I just finished a bowl of them, and lemme tell ya, they're great, but more than that, when I started eating them, I was hung over, and now I'm not.  I don't have pain in my shoulder like I did this morning either.  Chocolate Lucky Charms, a General Mills Foods product, has cured me of several maladies that have been plaguing me over the past few days.  I don't know how they do it, but I'm thinking the marshmallows might be sugar-powdered cubes of morphine or something.  As I type this, I can feel my cares melting away, like an ice cream cone in the Mojave.  I need more Chocolate Lucky Charms, so that I can crush it into a paste, a salve if you will, that would heal all wounds.  Yes, I believe that every time you eat a bowl of Chocolate Lucky Charms, the Palestinians and Israelis love each other just a little bit more.  It's powerful, powerful stuff, and if you let it into your life, it can - and will - make a difference.

Magically delicious?  You bet your sweet ass...
6:04 PM 
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Saturday, May 05, 2007 

Current mood:  nauseated

I admit, I've been drinking.  Maybe I'm having an overly emotional reaction to this story, I don't know.  I've seen things that are far more graphic, far more grisly, but I've never seen anything more disturbing.  There is video...this has been widely circulated among the internet, but the link that I'm posting doesn't have video.  If you feel you need to see it, you can look for it on your own.  I think it's so psychically damaging that I would never inflict it on someone else.  I've never been more enraged, saddened, and shamed by humanity.  Stories like this make me want to give up.

http://www.amnesty.org.uk/news_details.asp?NewsID=17351

6:39 AM 
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Saturday, March 24, 2007 

Well, those of you familiar with me know that one of my favorite pasttimes is bitching.  Well, not today.  Today, I have absolutely nothing to complain about.  Well, I have a headache.  And I want my laundry to be done so that I can get out.  And I wish I wasn't so busy.

Alright, so I suppose if I try really hard, I can find about a dozen things to piss and moan about, but that's not the purpose of this blog.  I want everyone to know that Life Is Good.  Not in some existential, metaphysical sense, and I'm certainly not trying to anthropomorphize a state of being.  Your life might suck.  Mine rocks. 

I bought a new car, and I'm still not broke.  I've got an incredible girl that I'm absolutely head over heels for, and I'm back in the States, for what I hope is a really long time.

So, in other news, I'm really hoping that the new M.I.A. album comes out soon.  If you've not heard BIRD FLU, you should definitely check it out.  She's absolutely one of the best things to happen to music, and easy on the eyes to boot.  I guess if you've bothered to look at my profile recently, you might have heard the song by Jesu.  Again, another band that rocks my face.

Well, I'm just going to kick back, grab another beer, and think about how awesome everything is right now.  Because it sure as shit can't last.

7:52 PM 
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Wednesday, March 14, 2007 
This was just too hilarious not to copy.  Sorry if I've broken some kind of copyright crap.  Not really sorry.

I just saw a movie that'll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It's called 300. I don't know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could've called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it'd still rule.

It's about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it's sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, "I need some extra sauce packets" guess what? You're getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I can't spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN'T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that's hitting someone's balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN'T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a shit if the music isn't historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could've used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel's Pretzel is telling you that you'll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There's wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he's got Rosie O'Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY ("DUDE-ITY")

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they're serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this – IT'S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

Can't someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I've seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.


6:30 AM 
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Wednesday, March 07, 2007 
I'm in Maine of all places.  Never thought I'd be so happy to say, "I'm in Maine..."

Anyway, I'll be back in Cali in a few hours, and hopefully shortly after that, I'll be on leave. 

Wish I had more to say, but I'm on the phone with Jai at the moment.  I'll talk to you all later.  Much love.
7:39 PM 
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Friday, November 03, 2006 

Current mood:  discontent
And I'm starting to get the jitters.  God, I'm so glad that I have a ton of beer.  It's done and done, and there's no turning back.  Only an act of God is going to keep this boy from going to the desert again.  I wonder if it gets worse every time, like Russian roulette; just because there wasn't a round chambered last time doesn't mean there isn't one this time, and while you're playing good odds, losing is pretty goddamned severe.

I'd like to think that in the last few weeks, I could have gone back in time and kicked myself in the ass at the moment they asked for volunteers to go back.  I knew they were going to ask before they asked, and I wasn't sure what I was going to do until my hand was in the air.  Trouble is, I don't think I would have stopped myself if I could.  I screwed up plans to finally reacclimate myself to the life back in the States, and effectively put a wonderful, engaging, funny, and gorgeous woman on hold for five and a half months, and I'm fairly certain that if I had to do it all again, I wouldn't have changed much.

It's not even like I'm going over there because I support the war.  I'm in no way challenging or condemning our armed forces.  There have been some serious fuck ups and crimes committed, but any amount of perspective will hopefully prevent all of the armed forces from being painted with the same brush.  Most of the people I've met in my time in the military have been consummate professionals when our boots hit sand.  Rather, I seriously doubt the average Iraqi's ability to understand just how catastrophic it would be if we failed.  I don't think they care.  Army and police recruiting has just trained and equipped the death squads, and now the PM of Iraq, who's supposed to be our friend, looks like he's getting all buddy-buddy with Muqtada al-Sadr, who's fanning the flames of civil war more than anything else.  1500 Iraqis died in October, from sectarian and insurgent violence.  Fifteen times as many Iraqis as Americans have died this month, and we didn't kill them.  I think that, if nothing else, elicits a big Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?  And our government has no idea how to combat that.  The latest spin from the administration towards the Democrats has been, "Well, What's Your Plan?"  It's all a bluff, because this administration doesn't have a plan of their own.  Ladies and gentlemen, we're dying over here, and noone knows what to do about it, and everyone's attention is riveted to American Idol, Rockstar Supernova, to One-fucking-Tree Hill, and goddamned Desperate Housewives.  Most Americans don't vote, and the ones that do don't demand any results from their elected officials; they lose attention as soon as the ballots are counted.

We need to figure shit out quick, because as long as there are Americans over there, I'm gonna keep raising my hand.  I can only be lucky so often.
11:10 PM 
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Wednesday, November 01, 2006 
And it's probably the same news...

It seems that someone out there loves me (in the Biblical sense) and he's decided to stroke my huge, purple veined ego and add me to the small, secretive, illuminatus that controls significant portions of comic book stores located in the American Midwest.  This repository of brilliance cultivated by him and other like minded individuals is located within the ephemeral confines of The Internet, which you may access at WWW.WITLESSWORM.COM.   My benefactor shall remain nameless, as he does not seek the spotlight of fame and adulation.  I on the other hand, have nowhere near such modesty, and not only seek, but deserve all the praise that comes my way.  Tips are also appreciated.

Some of you may already know me, and this is a good thing.  In my quest for internet supremacy, I value the contribution and support of friends and loved ones.  You shall have special seats in the internet that you may not sit in, because they exist only as random bolts of electricity, and you would be severely hurt.  Nevertheless, when I am declared dictator for life of the internet, you can take special pride in knowing that I will probably say your name a couple of times.

Do not let the name of this electronic renaissance fool you!  The name is designed to reward those who truly understand it's meaning, for only the truly witless will be prepared to accept the truths within, and when you cut a worm in half, it grows two worms...or something.  To be honest, the entire time I was writing this last paragraph, I was staring at the new cover of Maxim, and my fingers were not under direct control of my brain.

I don't know what, or how much, I'll be able to offer.  I am heading off to Iraq soon, to make the world safer, or to stay the course, or maybe just to blow something up.  But I promise that whatever I write will be a big ol' steaming pile of genius.

So, I invite you to visit the site WWW.WITLESSWORM.COM, and perhaps buy a T-shirt.  All the cool kids are doing it.

Until we meet again!
8:34 PM 
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Tuesday, October 31, 2006 
Well, you may or may not be asking what's new with me, but I'm going to assume you did.

I'm leaving for Iraq again in about a week.  You know what I'm going to hate the most about it?  The traveling...I hate long distance flights.  I don't know if I'll be able to get to Myspace too much over there, we'll just have to see.

I've just cruised through Flags of our Fathers and Flyboys, both written by James Bradley.  If you're at all interested in WWII, especially the Pacific theater, then you should read both books.  The wealth of information is incredible.  Written a little dramatically, but still a very good read.  I hope to see the movie tomorrow (that and Saw 3, which I heard was bloody as hell).

I'm getting really fed up with political rhetoric.  I'm going to post something here that I wrote on a different website:  "You know what we need more of in politics? Smartasses. Seriously, this rhetoric has gotten so ridiculous and derserving of ridicule that someone's gotta do it. I'd love it if, the next time O'Reilly opens his stupid head and some shit falls out of it like, "Don't you want us to win in Iraq," someone has the balls to point out how retarded the question is. I hope they say, "No, Bill. I don't want to win. I hope that we lose. I hope the terrorists win, and I hope that I'm beheaded as an infidel. I hate winning. When we lost every football game my freshman year of high school, I couldn't have been happier. Unless of course I was forced to convert to radical Islam, that is. For all intents and purposes, just assume that I vehemently disagree with everything you say, and I hope the world turns out exactly the opposite way you want it. If you love kittens, I hope they're rounded up and flattened with mining equipment."

Someone out there, besides me, has to see the need for some serious snarkiness and thinly veiled sarcasm. The pundits are getting to the point where they're taking themselves and their little soundbites way too seriously."

I can't stand the way our governments are treating us, both citizens and fighters.  They're just standing on their soapboxes, screaming at each other, and they're NOT DOING ANYTHING!!  Maybe, somewhere, someone is drawing up plans that are going to give us a picture of how to win in Iraq, but between vague braindead arguments that boil down to "We Should Get Out" and "But Dont You Want To Win?" I think I could puke.  100 Americans died in Iraq this month.  3 a day.  3 American families and communities were totally fucked up every day, for a month.

If you're a voting citizen in this country, I'm begging you to help me out in demanding some results from our elected officials.  Project Runway will be out on DVD next year, so you're not really missing anything on television.

7:49 PM 
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Sunday, October 15, 2006 
This is all I really need to say.  This is the best, most exciting game that mankind has come up with.  This is, of course, assuming that noone has legalized human hunting.  That I would watch in a heartbeat.  And I would get drunk and laugh.
7:31 PM 
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Thursday, August 31, 2006 
Well, it only really sucks in one big way.  I'm not going to get to fly this weekend, like I wanted to.  I have to wait until next weekend, and I'm going to chalk it up to "The World Hates Me And Refuses To Let Me Be Happy."

Actually, I've gotten over my bitterness after some serious drinking yesterday.  That just means I have another weekend to go diving, starting tomorrow.  So who's going to let me crash at their house when I get back?  I want to sleep on as many couches as possible.

If you haven't yet, you need to get hold of the new Goldfrapp album.  Not really a new release, but I can't let it go, it's that good.  Good sex tunes (sorry mom.)

And I need to see Snakes on a Muthaf**kin' Plane!  (Sorry again, mom, but that's the only way to say it, really.)  I'll be more than happy to go drunk if you want.  Almost anyone will tell you that I'm much more tolerable when passed out.  Either you or me, doesn't matter.

What does a bulimic call two fingers?

Dessert.
7:14 AM 
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Tuesday, July 11, 2006 
People make fun of dorks, especially the ones that you find playing World of Warcraft.

For the record; yes I play.  Sometimes I play a little obsessively, but there has never been a time where I have tied my ego to the little collection of cartoonishly rendered colors that reside in my computer.  I do not, nor have I ever, read or looked at the fan art that some of these people have made.  It's a game, a diversion, a way to keep me from otherwise being productive.

But for some of these people...holy cow.  Arguments and biting comments (well, as biting as you can be when you're using the vocabulary of an 8 year old) abound.  Go onto my server and say the name "Chuck Norris" and be prepared for a total polarization of the chat channels.  It will be split between people who know EVERY SINGLE CHUCK NORRIS JOKE IN EXISTENCE (annoying enough in and of itself) and people who are so wound up that they are going to give themselves aneurysms telling them to "STFU" (that's "shut the f**k up" for all of those of you who haven't huffed your brainstem away).  It gets so absurd that the people who are annoyed with the Chuck Norris references are swearing and cursing at the other side.  You can practically hear their choked back cries of anguish as they berate you for ruining their game/life.

Then there's technical problems...oh boy!!  The angst comes pouring out of the dorks' beady Mountain-Dew-jacked eyeballs as soon as their character hiccups in the middle of an action.  ANY amount of latency or interference or hardware problems is totally unacceptable to these people.  They've paid their 15 bucks this month, and they're not going to put up with substandard server performance...which means, they settle for nothing less than perfection.  Blizzard (the company that produced WoW) has something like a billion servers and a couple trillion customers now?  Seriously, this game is so huge that GIRLS ACTUALLY PLAY IT!  I don't think Rhode Island exists anymore; they just moved everybody out and used the space for their servers.  And with all this hardware (and the obvious software requirements of a project this size) I think the performance has been bad enough to make me quit playing maybe twice?  For a couple of hours each time?  That's easily 99.998% satisfaction with this game's performance, but to listen to these little shits, you'd think that Blizzard was running this game out of the trunks of their cars with an old Atari 2600.

What made me write about this game, dorks, and the effect that this game has on dorks is an experience that I had just 30 minutes ago.  It was almost surreal in its absurdity.  The little group of people that I play with was in a southern map in the game.  Apparently there's a feature on this map that's purely artsy.  There's no monsters to kill, noone to talk to, no real geography other than the view, cartoonish as it is.  One member of my group just stumbled upon it by accident, and found that another guild was using the space for something.  Group=group, guild=BIG group.  Immediately upon seeing him, this guild (cleverly named "Fist of Entropy" because that's so dark and brooding, and I think the lead singer of Aiden said it in a song or something...) WENT NUTS!!  Yelling and cursing and HOW DARE HE COME INTO THEIR LITTLE PLACE!!  CAN'T YOU SEE WHERE THEY'VE HACKED THE CODE TO PLASTER THEIR NAMES ALL OVER IT?!?  It was unbelievable.  They behaved the same way a sane person might upon being interrupted in the shower by a total stranger.

So what did we do?  That's right, we're Marines, and we fight fire with fire.  We rallied behind our friend and confronted the assholes...and proceeded to act as crazy as they were acting.  I wish I had the chat logs as I was particularily witty.

But I have better things to do with my time than record chat logs.

Because I may be a dork, but I'm not a STFU lol n00b DORK!
10:02 AM 
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Sunday, July 02, 2006 

Current mood:  pissed off
So, I was supposed to be at Okuma this weekend, nursing a hangover and smelling of saltwater and generally just enjoying myself, but not two hours after I arrive there yesterday, some retard from another company (not mine) decides that he wants to get a DUI, and since not only my driver, but another buddy of mine was from that company (MRC for those of you who might care) we all had to come back so that they could be yelled at, which means I didn't get to dive, and I didn't get to hang out and go camping.  I'm almost positive it would have been a really good time.

I really hate willful ignorance.  I understand that people get drunk and do stupid things...I really do.  I get drunk and do stupid things all the time.  I DON'T TRY TO DRIVE A CAR!!  It's the 4th of July holiday.  It's a 96.  It's a payday weekend.  That's like asking for your activities to be put under a microscope.  Why you would go ahead and place yourself in a situation where you could do something really stupid, something that would have ramifications for other people, and not just yourself, is beyond me.  It reeks of willful ignorance, and it drives me up the wall.
11:17 PM 
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Wednesday, June 14, 2006 

Current mood:  lethargic
It can stop raining any day now.  3 weeks solid.  I don't even believe the sun exists any more.  Three weekends where I was supposed to go out and meet/hang out with girls, shot to hell.  I'm supposed to go up to the aquarium this weekend, but I'm sure it will be raining so much that the car will fly off of the road and I'll be killed...which will be perfect, seeing as I'm supposed to go diving Monday.

I'm really ready to get off the island.  I like it enough here, but without a vehicle to get around and the ability to stay out as long as you want, this place really leaves alot to be desired.  It's like Jacksonville, but I don't understand anything the locals are saying.  One would think that after spending this much time over here, you'd get to know the language, which would be true if it were possible to get off base at any point.

I guess it's just one of those weeks for me.  I've got zero motivation and I think it's because of the weather.  I just want to lay in bed for one whole day...or until the sun comes back out.

Oh, and the new job as the supply clerk at the shop...sucks.  I'm getting good at it, but the more I deal with parts order worksheets and DPRs and DMPs and mechanics, the more I realize that I need out of this field.  If I re-enlist in this MOS or anything even remotely related to this job field, I honestly think that all of my soul, along with most of my brain, will die.  God bless ya if you can handle this type of work (I know Nels is gonna hate me for trashtalking mechs) but I find it the most monotonous, repetitve work in the world.

If you haven't bought "Broken Boy Soldiers" by The Raconteurs, you're missing out.  If you've heard "Steady As She Goes" and haven't found yourself involuntarily tapping your foot, it's because you're actually dead.

Did I just manage to get through this entire blog posting without swearing?  I think I did.  I was sitting around, reading this stuff when it dawned on me that my mom reads this, and I have no idea who else, but I'm sure they aren't as appreciative of how I choose to flavor my writing.  I realize that most of you don't care, but I'll try to keep it pretty clean for those of you who want to read my blog and not be turned off by liberal use of the f-bomb. 

Hmmm...what other things are floating around inside my head?  I can't believe that Mike is thinking about getting back in.  I haven't heard from Heather in a while, and I'd like to, so if you're reading this Heather, lemme know you're still alive.  I promise I'll write back.  The new X-Men move was awesome, and at the same time, it left me kinda empty inside.  Perhaps because Wolverine had to...just kidding.  I'm not going to give anything away to the 6 of you who haven't seen the movie yet.  If you do go and see it, however, make sure you stay through the credits.  You'll be well rewarded.

I wish that I could write more...but it's just that boring here.  I don't feel like boring you with tales of field day or mindless internet searches, watching movies and going to bed early.  I figure the only person who should be depressed with my situation right now should be me. 

On a positive note, I've only got 3 months to go.  If any of you reading this know my mom, let her know that this one is safe to read.

















hellshitdamn...
1:24 AM 
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