Headlines the Way the Media Really Wishes They Could Report It for Saturday, October 25, 2008:

Genetic Researchers Reveal John McCain Shares 99% of George W. Bush's DNA.

Jerry Lewis Makes Anti-Gay Slur…Is Voting for John McCain.

Isaiah Thomas Denies Overdose Reports, Says He Could Never Afford It Without Obama Health Plan.

Democrats Chances So Strong of Taking All Seats in Both Houses of US Congress, Now Eyeing Canada.

Obama Leaves Hawaii and Ailing Grandmother, Now 100% Healed.

7 Orcas Missing From Puget Sound, Assumed Shot By NRA Members.

High School Musical 3 Opens Strong, First Weekend Proceeds Go to Teachers' Union.

Those of you who know me don't know quite what to do with me, because I am a true independent.  I hate 'em all, I don't trust any of them.  I think Bush has been an astonishing disaster and has made one of the biggest, costliest mistakes in world history.  He's a symphony of bad judgment and he's written the textbook for "leadership style that doesn't work."  Now all that said...I do tend to get hung up on things like the truth, no matter where that truth takes us.  Thus the below.

WHO FARTED?

The trick to letting out a massive fart is to successfully blame it on someone else…the dog, someone nearby, a paper mill…anything to avoid the blame of an obvious and horrendous stinker.

In 1977 during the Jimmy Carter administration, congress passed the Community Reinvestment Act.   Credit standards were lowered and sub-prime loans were allowed with little or no down payment.

At the end of the Bill Clinton administration, FannieMae was ordered to substantially increase these sub-prime Community Reinvestment Act (CRA) loans.  Clinton wanted half the entire portfolio to be in CRA's.

Democrat Barney Frank was the ranking member of the House Financial Services Committee.  He, Chuck Shummer (D-NY), Chris Dodd (D-CT) were key supporters of FannieMae accepting CRA's

In April 2001, the Bush administration warned of the potential disaster with FannieMae, but because of the dot-com meltdown and the only bright economic spot being the housing market, they did not act. 

In 2002, the Wall Street Journal printed an article titled "FannieMae Enron."  It expressed alarm over climbing housing prices.  The paper got chewed out by Countrywide Mortgage's CEO.

In 2003, the Bush administration decided to take on FannieMae/FreddieMac.  Bush proposed significant increased regulation of FannieMae/FreddieMac.  Treasury Secretary John Snow detailed the proposals before the House Financial Services Committee.  Barney Frank and Democrats on the committee would have none of it.  Barney Frank said FannieMae/FreddieMac were financially sound.

FannieMae/FreddieMac started cooking the books in 2003 and were caught in 2004.

In 2005, the Bush administration pushed again for stronger regulation.

The Senate banking committee adopted strong legislation to stop FannieMae/FreddieMac from acquiring these bad mortgages.  In committee, every Republican voted for it; every Democrat voted against it.  The Democrats blocked a vote by the full senate.

In 2006, Senate Republicans introduced another bill to deal with FannieMae/FreddieMac.  One of the sponsors was Sen. John McCain.  Again, Republicans voted for the bill; the Democrats, who were in the majority, voted against.  

From 2005 –2007 FannieMae/FreddieMac put over $1 trillion sub-prime and other bad mortgages on the books. These bad loans were packaged into Collaterized Mortgage Obligations (CMO's) and sold all over the world.

Real estate market values were driven up by easy loans.  In 2007, defaults began to rise.  When home values dropped, many people with CRA loans stopped paying, because their house was worth less than the loan.

9/09/08 FannieMae/FreddieMac were taken over by Feds.

First bail out bill: Democrats wanted $20 billion to go to Acorn and other similar organizations.  Bill did not get past the "White House meeting".

Bill was reworked.  The vote failed.  Democrats blamed Republicans even though Democrats held the majority in both houses, and more Democrats voted against it than Republicans voted for it.

Sen. Chris Dodd received $165,400 from Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac over the past 20 years plus a favorable reduced interest mortgage from Countrywide.  Sen. Barack Obama received $126,349 during his 3+ years in the Senate. 

Democrats deserve a lot of credit.  They've pulled off a masterful game of "Who Farted?" successfully escaping all responsibility and convincing America someone else did it. 

To the victor go the spoils.  This January, the people who gave us this economic Armageddon will be completely in charge. 

They ain't gettin any younger! From Mike Stiles and Sketchworks

President Bush worked to reassure Americans about the shape of the economy but said "there's definitely some storm clouds."  Which given FEMA's track record, terrified the public even more.

New Jersey's Governor signed into law a measure that abolishes the death penalty.  It will instead by replaced by the "worse than death" penalty, Barry Manilow singing hits from the 50's, 60's AND 70's.

A widow attended a Steeler's game at Heinz Field, bringing with her an urn containing some of her late husband's ashes.  She didn't intend to scatter them there, but when the crowd started doing the wave it literally blew him away.

After catching his 15-year-old smoking pot, a Canadian father sold the "Guitar Hero III" game he got his son for Christmas online.  He'd paid 90 bucks for it, but sold it for $9,000 dollars to someone who appreciated his discipline.  He's now reportedly trying to frame his daughter so he can make a killing with Dance Dance Revolution.

NY nightclub lawyers fighting a federal lawsuit say men aren't discriminated against by "ladies' nights."  The lawyers say hey, it's NY, men can always come dressed as women and no one would bat an eye.

Donny and Marie could be returning to TV together.  This after they announced they'll perform together for a week in Vegas.  Well, Donny will perform, Marie will mostly be a crumpled unconscious ball on the floor.

Celine Dion wrapped up her 5-year gig at Caesars Palace in Vegas, saying pregnancy and bad reviews almost did the show in early.  Plus the expense of satisfying her contractural demand of making everyone bow to a lifesize likeness of her made out of fresh imported flowers from Canada before every show.

San Francisco's Mayor is proposing a tax on drinks high in fructose corn syrup, like sodas.  Consumers are already wondering if you leave the drink sitting out all day, if you'll then be subject to a flat tax.

The man believed to be the world's oldest died at age 116. He attributed his longevity to never having gotten married, which he apparently didn't do because he was short and never had any money.  Hearing this, Gary Coleman immediately checked himself in for further treatment for depression.

2007 is likely to be the first calendar year in which US households spent more on cell phone services than on landlines.  Wireless analysts say this is no surprise given hidden charges such as 75 cents per use of an emoticon.

The Writers Guild won't let members write for the Golden Globes or the Academy Awards.  As a result, many of Hollywood's brightest stars will have no clue what word comes after "thank."

Researchers say monkeys performed as well as college students at mental addition.  However the students were better able to estimate how much beer is left in a keg.

Matthew McConaughey had to get stitches after training for an upcoming movie.  He'd been training Ultimate Fighting Championship-style.  Except that most Ultimate Fighters aren't screaming "Not the face, not the face!"

A ND bank is giving its full-time employees $1,000 each and part-time employees $500 each.  The condition, they have to use it for people in need.  If they don't, there's an exploding dye pack in the money that will go off and ruin it.

A 4,000-year-old clay tablet authorities suspect was smuggled illegally from Iraq was pulled from eBay minutes before the close of the auction.  The high bidder at the close of the auction didn't mind because he was compensated with a copy of Halo 3.

The Senate passed a bill that would give consumers permanent relief from telemarketers.  You'd no longer have to renew registration in the "Do Not Call" program.  The Senate is so proud of their accomplishment they've vowed to call every constituent at dinnertime to tell them about it.

Mark Steines, co-anchor of "Entertainment Tonight," will host the Miss America contest next year.  Producers say given declining interest in the pageant, they were eager to tap into Steines' fan base of 7.

The Democratic congress posted another new low in approval ratings.  30%.  Yet those polled still favor Democrats in next year's elections.  Wanting people we don't approve of also accounts for the fame of 87% of all celebrities.

Animal activists are angry at a Japanese aquarium for putting Santa hats on 2 white beluga whales. They say it's humiliating.  Particularly bad since they haven't heard they also make them go down a huge slide decorated like a chimney into a tank of milk and cookies.

There was a fire on the White House compound near the ceremonial office of Dick Cheney.  Investigators said Cheney was working on switching to hunting pigeons using flame throwers.

16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant.  She plans to raise it at home in Louisiana so it can "have a normal family life."  Child advocates say they can only hope the child is kidnapped and raised by a mob family.

Italian judges forbade a couple from naming their child "Friday" and ordered he be named Gregorio.  Although they briefly did consider letting him use his rap stage name, Italian Ice.

Researchers say the violent experience of getting sucked into a vacuum cleaner kill fleas just as well as any poison.  Apparently like men, they'd rather die than be around a vacuum.

Time magazine named Russian President Vladimir Putin its 2007 "Person of the Year."  The decision was delayed for two days until Time made sure it wasn't him that got Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant.

©2007, The Stiles Company, LLC

Al Gore got his Nobel Prize and urged the US and China to make bold moves on climate change or "stand accountable before history."  Analysts seriously doubt a future generation of Chinese with a belly full of lead paint are going to care their ancestors didn't recycle more.

Congressional leaders are pressing to find out who knew what about the CIA's destruction of interrogation videotapes and whether justice was obstructed.  They also want tapes of every Jeopardy question ever asked.

Friends and family of Evel Knievel bid goodbye in Butte, MT.  A public viewing was followed by a service, then a funeral procession along Evel Knievel Way...which ends in a huge ramp and causes about 47 major wrecks a day.

The Oprah and Obama tour hit SC, with O telling the crowd to ignore detractors and help Obama capture the nomination and the presidency.  Even though they were all angry because they were told it was a rally for Denzel Washington.

The New England Patriots crushed Pittsburgh and moved on to a 13-0 record.  US officials, needing a certain and crushing victory, are now seriously considering having them go against Al Qaida.

Stars like Alan Jackson and Katharine McPhee performed for President Bush at the "Christmas in Washington" concert.  He and Laura joined performers onstage for "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing"...to which Bush vehemently denied illegally wire-tapping angels' phones and computers.

In a cultural breakthrough, the NY Philharmonic has decided to perform in North Korea.  Officials say while music is nice, the main risk is that starving crowds will surge forward and start eating the woodwinds.

Phillipine administrators are banning Christmas carolers from the streets in Manila, because they disrupt traffic.  Apparently everybody swerves out of their way in order to hit them.

A prolonged Hollywood writers strike could spark a revival in political coverage on the broadcast networks, or at least candidates opening the suitcases on Deal or No Deal.

EBay announced Britney-related items, from gloves she wore to a Jets game to a piece of chewed gum to a can of Red Bull, outsold stuff from Paris and Lindsay.  Highest bid went for one of her actual children, whom she forgot in a McDonald's playland.

Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months by a federal judge, who got letters on Vick's behalf from Atlanta mayor Shirley Franklin, George Foreman, and Hank Aaron.  However he got suspicious when he also received letters from Spuds Mackenzie, Air Bud, the Taco Bell Chihuahua and Snoopy.

A former major leaguer posted a video on YouTube where he is shot in the groin with a pitching machine. It's to promote a new athletic cup he invented called "The Nutty Buddy."  Teens trying to recreate the video using the ice cream cone of the same name met with tragic results.

Honda's humanoid robots can work in pairs.  They're linked together so they know what each other's doing and get along perfectly.  Scientists are now seeing if the same system can be applied to Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston.

Reviewers praised Led Zeppelin's long-awaited reunion concert.  And the crowd raved about how the music wasn't too loud, there were plenty of handrails in bathroom stalls and lots of parking for scootabouts.

Bill Clinton says when he and Hillary were starting out, he was so struck by her intellect he once suggested she dump him and start her own political career.  And kept suggesting it every time he met a new cute campaign volunteer, all to no avail.

Researchers discovered a new deep water coral and sponge beds thousands of feet below the ocean surface.  And if you get them you'll never need another sponge in your home again!  You won't believe the super absorbancy you can have for 3 easy payments of 9.99!

Las Vegas is building a museum about the mob.  And you better go to it!  I'm just sayin.

One hundred million pennies collected for charity went on display in Rockefeller Center.  But were then tossed in a junk drawer and nobody really wants them.

Students at Atlanta's public schools are now prohibited from wearing saggy, underwear-baring pants on campus.  The students' defense that they're so bad in math they don't understand the numbers in pants sizes, failed to convince administrators.

The Army Corps of Engineers has given the green light to plans for a major resort and indoor water park on Lake Lanier.  But due to the drougt, when it opens it'll mostly be people using wax paper to slide down dry slides into bins of packing peanuts.  Wheee!

The International Olympic Committee stripped Marion Jones of her 5 Olympic medals after her admission she was using drugs while competing.  Which should go out as a huge lesson to all medal winners, pawn them off and get the money before you get busted.

The controversy still swirls over destroyed CIA videotapes that show new, harsh questioning techniques used to make reluctant Al Qaida prisoners talk.  The waterboarding was slightly disturbing, but the tape then goes on to show prisoners forced to watch erotic home videos of Rosie O'Donnell with her girlfriend.

A lock of John Lennon's hair sold for $48,000 in an auction by the band's hairdresser.  A handwritten drawing by Ringo of John and Paul with horns on their heads and the sentence, "let me sing on more songs you complete and utter fascists" went for significantly less.

The world's fastest human calculator broke his own record for working out a 200-digit number using nothing but his brain in just over 70 seconds.  And ladies, heeee's single!

Best Buy, Wal-Mart and other retailers will sell converters letting owners of analog TV sets keep seeing programming after the 2009 nationwide switch to digital broadcasting.  And no truth to the rumor the boxes actually convert you to Scientology.

©2007, The Stiles Company, LLC

Don Imus returned 8 months after being fired for a racially charged remark about the Rutgers women's basketball team.  To be on the safe side Imus has already refused a pantyhose endorsement after he was told he couldn't refer to them as "leg stretchies" instead.

One of the most complete dinosaur mummies ever found shows it could probably outrun predators like the T. rex.  Scientists could tell because the sponsor decals were still visible.

It'll be Ohio State vs. LSU at the Superdome for the national championship as 4 UGA is leapfrogged by LSU and passed over.  Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson was inspired you can actually leap from so low to that high in the polls that fast.

8 men say they either had sex with Sen. Larry Craig or were targets of his advances.  See the whole story dramatized in a remake of the movie, "8 Men Out."

An ordinary old armchair in a 3-room apartment in Italy draws thousands who think it's a "miracle" chair that can give them children.  School officials said if they can convey to students you can get pregnant from chairs, both abstinence AND sex education classes can be cut.

The Spice Girls kicked off their reunion tour.  And sprained their hips in the process of kicking.

"Batman" star Christian Bale is negotiating to star in the fourth installment of the "Terminator" movies.  He was talked into it by being convinced it is a sure path to the Governorship of California.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers will play the halftime slot at the Super Bowl in Arizona.  Organizers say he's the perfect choice because the Super Bowl has become an internationally viewed event, and foreigners won't understand what he's singing any more than Americans do.

Bidders from as far as Germany tried to buy belongings from the Beverly Hills mansion formerly owned by Ozzy osbourne.  The auction brought in $800,000.  Primary complaint was nobody at the sale could understand Ozzy as he haggled with them.

A manuscript page from Napoleon Bonaparte's short novel about ill-fated love went on sale in Paris.  He never finished it because it was his writing hand he always kept tucked in his jacket.

Reese Witherspoon wound up at the top of The Hollywood Reporter's annual list of the highest-paid actresses.  Lindsay Lohan wound up at the list of the highest.

A girl dancing in the role of a baby Panda in the Atlanta Ballet's "The Nutcracker" was injured when she fell off the Fox Theatre stage into the orchestra pit.  She's in stable condition.  The show's director said the girl saw an oboe in the orchestra, thought it was a bamboo shoot and got excited.

A teaspoon of honey before bed seems to calm children's coughs and help them sleep better, according to a new study.  Unfortunately the study also recommends parents raise bees right there in their kids' room.

Microsoft is pulling back from a system that disables programs on users' computers if it suspects the software is pirated.  Instead, Microsoft will remotely have your alarm clock kill you in your sleep. 

Pat Robertson said his son, Gordon, has succeeded him as CEO of the Christian Broadcasting Network.  Gordon is supposed to bring younger, more hip elements to the network, such as "Jeans Friday."

An engineering company estimates Santa, to stop at 2.5 billion homes over Christmas, would have 34 microseconds at each stop and his reindeer would have to travel 3,604 miles per second.  Plus Vixen has a bladder condition that makes them have to pull over quite frequently.

New research shows men and women have a negative view of couples where the guy is timid and the woman dominates conversations.  Even though researchers' wives immediately told them to change the results because they're making them look bad.

Robot technology has been used to create a guitar that tunes itself.  The technology is now being applied to see if it will also work on Justin Guarini's singing.

Local school programs in Tampa have started random drug testing, sometimes as often as every 2 weeks...by giving pop tests that make them pee themselves.

A court in Austria awarded $11,000 to a woman who woke up during surgery but was unable to tell doctors she was awake.  The woman says she'll spend all $11,000 of it on Ambien.

Yahoo's touching up its online photo-sharing service, Flickr, with free editing tools.  And cutting someone out of a picture entirely has never been easier on their all new service, Divorcr.

A man in Wisconsin accused of stealing several blow-up dolls from an adult novelty store said it was a "drunken, stupid thing."  Because he knows it's all he can do to pleasure just one doll, much less several.

Hulk Hogan said of his pending divorce, their 17-year-old son Nick is old enough to decide which parent he wants to live with.  Which, of course, will be whichever one gets custody of the reality show.

David "Chip" Reese, a card star who won one of the biggest cash games in the world and 3 World Series of Poker championships, has died.  Although fellow poker players prefer to say he folded.

Two men robbed Donnie Register's shop in Mississippi. A shot was fired and when Register put up his left hand, his wedding ring deflected the bullet.  Which may sound romantic, but he was actually raising his hand to point out a really hot chick that was walking by outside the store.

There's gonna be a stamp commemorating Frank Sinatra.  It'll be first-class baby!  The stamp will be the old fashioned kind that you lick, and it'll taste somewhat like cigarettes and vodka tonic.

Financial experts say Georgia's drifting close to the brink of recession, but Georgia benefits from a growing population.  Even though word has gotten out to white beluga whales it might not be safe here.

©2007, The Stiles Company, LLC
Mike's Site

Airbus signed contracts to sell 160 commercial passenger jets to China in a deal worth $14.8 billion.  Plus, it was a good way to use up all our leftover lead paint, which they don't seem to mind so much over there.

Beauty pageant organizers in Puerto Rico want to know who laced a contestant's evening gowns and makeup with pepper spray, causing her to break out in hives...which fortunately, the judges thought was her talent.

Sci-Fi Channel is doing a new version of the Wizard of Oz.  Dorothy's a disaffected, motorcycle-riding waitress, and Toto is a creature that changes his appearance and position at will.  No truth to the rumor Hillary Clinton served as an advisor.

A study found school lunch sales don't go down when healthier meals are served, and that more nutritious lunches don't cost schools more to make.  But, to make the kids more comfortable, they're called "Happy Lunches" and are served by lunch ladies dressed as clowns.

Wil and Kin Shriner found 400 vintage harmonicas in their dad's warehouse.  He was a famous harmonica player on radio and TV.  Now they want to send them to soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Other than the accordion, military experts could not come up with a gift more likely to drive enemy forces screaming for the hills.

Miley Cyrus turned 15 but like so many other girls around the country, was not able to get or afford what she wanted for her birthday, Hannah Montana tickets.

Fox is starting to promote "The Moment of Truth," a controversial game show where contestants are asked personal questions while hooked up to a polygraph.  The detector works so well, show producers wouldn't get on it to answer the question, "Is this show good?"

Oprah will join Barack Obama on the campaign trail, visiting Iowa, New Hampshire and SC.  Which is odd because to be given the presidency by Oprah, you usually have to make it into her "My Favorite Things" studio audience.

Earth friendly Toyota Prius hybrid cars are failing Georgia emissions tests.  The testing software is incompatible with the Prius.  Which makes many consumers suspicious the Prius uses Microsoft's new Vista operating system.

Iran said it's manufactured a new missile with a range capable of hitting Israel and US bases in the Mideast.  But said they're merely for energy purposes.

Dick Cheney was back at work after doctors administered an electrical shock to his heart and restored it to a normal rhythm.  Doctors say he can resume his normal work schedule but crushed Cheney's dream of being a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.

Al Gore finally visited the Oval Office and his old rival George W. Bush in his capacity as a Nobel Prize winner.  The only other way to visit the oval office and the president is to win a sports championship like the Super Bowl, which Gore also claims to have done.

A Rhode Island Hospital was fined $50,000 after its third instance this year of a doctor performing brain surgery in the wrong side of a patient's head.  An official reprimand said the hospital surgeons need to get their heads straight, then they wrote LOL a lot after that sentence.

Sen. Edward Kennedy has a deal with a publisher to write his memoirs.  The book is entitled, "If I Could Only Remember."

A teenager who flew secretly to the Middle East last year to be with a man she met on MySpace went on Dr. Phil to end the relationship.  It was not until after the show the teen was told all she had to do was delete him from her MySpace friends list.

NBC agreed to start offering interactive advertising from TiVo.  NBC will place the ads, and the interactive part will be when viewers skip them.

A California county will soon start a system to purify sewage into drinking water.  Proponents say the finished product exceeds drinking water standards...as judged by cats and dogs who regularly drink from toilets.

Michael Vick faces an April 2 trial date on state dogfighting charges in Virginia.  Vick reported to prison last week to start his federal sentence.  The former number 7 is now 7938479-6.

Trying to stay open, the Grady hospital board voted unanimously to hand over most of its authority to a new management board, provided they get a half-billion dollars from the state, business community and others, which many see as unlikely.  Anxious developers are already looking at the building and making plans to sell both private and semi-private condos.

An Augusta man walked into a SC bank and tried to open an account using a fake $1 million bill.  The federal government has in fact, never printed a million-dollar bill.  And even if they had, it's doubtful TI's picture would be on it.

OJ pleaded "not guilty" on charges of kidnapping and armed robbery of 2 sports memorabilia dealers.  His lawyer tried to get things off on a familiar note by telling the judge, "Without a certificate of authenticity there is no complicity."

Sudan charged a British teacher with inciting religious hatred after she let students name a teddy bear Muhammad, an offense that could get her 40 lashes.  She said she didn't realize that's what would happen when she got it at the Build-a-Religiously-Intolerant Bear store at the mall.

The government reports US adult obesity rates seem to have leveled off, at least temporarily.  Authorities say this is because everyone finally got too big to leave their house to get more snacks.

According to a reading test, US fourth-graders have lost ground in reading ability compared to kids around the world.  Students defended themselves by saying the test was not fair because there weren't enough pictures.

Race car driver Helio Castroneves is the winner of "Dancing With the Stars."  However Helio would not be convinced he'd won until host Tom Bergeron waved a checkered flag in front of his face.

Right before his death, Evel Knievel and Kanye West settled a lawsuit over the use of Knievel's trademarked image in a West music video.  They agreed not to publicly discuss terms of the settlement.  Although rumor has it Kanye was going to allow Knievel to jump his bling.

©2007, The Stiles Company, LLC

Fran Townsend, the leading White House-based terrorism adviser, is stepping down after 4 1/2 years.  Saying, "Phew, I'm scared!"

Mike Tyson was sentenced to 24 hours in jail and 3 years' probation for drug possession and DUI.  Tyson told officers he used cocaine "whenever I can get my hands on it."  Not surprisingly, Tyson was not allowed to serve as his own defense attorney.

Detroit pushed past St. Louis to become the nation's most dangerous city, according to a private research group.  Critics say the ranking is unfair because the report speculates that one day all the assembly line robots could turn on humans, destroy us and create their own robot society.

Talks between stagehands and theater producers collapsed with over 2 dozen shows canceled through the end of the lucrative Thanksgiving week.  The good news is, the new show "Bare Stage with No Lights or Sound: The Musical," will open right on time.

The government is offering carry-on luggage tips for air travelers in a 60-second video.  Among the tips: If you're a terrorist, go ahead and tell somebody before getting to the front of the line; take off your shoes and throw them across the security checkpoint; and have all laptops on, open, and logged in to your favorite porn site for inspectors.

The cast of "Celebrity Apprentice" was announced.  They include Vincent Pastore from "The Sopranos", Marilu Henner from "Taxi," Gene Simmons of Kiss, and gymnast Nadia Comaneci.  Who said she would bend over backwards to win...then laughed at her own joke for 4 minutes.

The director of 60's sitcom "Green Acres," has acquired the rights to remake the series.  A casting director is already trying to find lookalikes for it.  For instance, Hustler publisher Larry Flynt already has an audition scheduled to play Arnold the pig.

Martin County, Fla might install "talking" cameras at public beaches to catch people doing the wild thing.  After being activated, it issues a verbal warning they're under surveillance.  60 seconds later, it starts recording.  4 minutes after that, it prints out a release form to be signed so the video can be used all over the Internet.

Neil Diamond revealed President Kennedy's daughter was the inspiration for his hit "Sweet Caroline."  But he added "September Morn" is really about February.

Venezuela's president Hugo Chavez and Iranian President Ahmadinejad joined to say "the US empire is coming down."  But analysts say they're are greatly overestimating the harmful affects of the TV writer's strike.

Dick Wilson, who played Mr. Whipple, the man who said, "Please, don't squeeze the Charmin," died.  He was 91.  In honor of him, Charmin toilet paper will be rolled at half-ply.

The military will seek a criminal case in an Iraqi court against an award-winning AP photographer.  That's how much the General's family whose Christmas Card photo he shot didn't like it.

Rudy Giuliani pushed the idea of a virtual, rather than a real fence, along much of the border.  That way, the government could spend millions of dollars to paint it, and no one would know for sure if they did or didn't.

6 California cheerleaders were suspended after they flashed football fans a message on their underpants.  Administrators were not upset with the near nudity, but rather the fact they spelled out "our school can't pass the Basic Skills Assessment Test."

Mary-Kate Olsen is suffering from a kidney infection and was hospitalized.  The prognosis is good.  Doctors said removing the kidney is not an option because it constitutes 1/3 of her overall weight.

CBS News writers authorized their union to call a national strike.  World leaders have been informed that until the dispute is resolved, nothing can happen.

The 80-year-old leader of a suburban Atlanta megachurch is at the center of a sex scandal, having slept with his brother's wife and fathered a child by her.  Members responded by saying an 80-year-old being that virile and energetic...why it's a miracle!

Lake Lanier dropped to its lowest point since the reservoir was constructed in the 1950s.  Yet state officials are quick to point out it has yet to sink as low as Britney Spears.

A Newnan realtor failed to win over "The Bachelor" on ABC.  Austin bar owner Brad Womack had to choose between her and a Phoenix Suns dancer, and picked...neither!  ABC producers said from now on, they'll screen the Bachelors more carefully to make absolutely sure they're not gay.

©The Stiles Company, LLC