Some of you folks out there realize that I am a pretty decent egg. A A-ok kinda guy.
But even I have my limits.
Those limits are being tested daily by---what else----stupid commercials.
Men today are becoming wimps. They're either complaining of using the bathroom frequently, red eyes, hemorrhoids, or (the point of my whole rant) obtaining an erection. It seems like the medical community now has a damned pill for EVERYTHING.

I'm sick of seeing Bob of ENZYTE fame smiling that prozac-overdosed grin of his. He gets more action in a week than I'll see in ten years (with a little help from his friends maybe?)
I'm also tired of couples declaring 'they're ALWAYS ready' for life's little interruptions...because they use Cialis.
I'm even tired of that woman grinning like a Cheshire cat talking about a wonder drug that affects 'that certain portion of the male anatomy by making you LARGER. Its not a gimmick its REAL SCIENCE!'
They used to only show this crapola only at night after children went to bed. But lately, they show it often...usually before or AFTER showing another raunchy commercial of sorts like GIRLS GONE WILD.
I guess if you're gonna get horny watching commercial snippets of girls declaring how trashy or slutty they are...some doctors somewhere decided that some men in the viewing audience needed a little extra 'LIFT' as it were. (Gives new meaning to 'Whats UP Doc?')

So Bob...I know you're out there...and I know you're smiling. And if I see you smiling...I'm punching you in the gnads.
Lets see science develop a cure for THAT.

As always....I am moderate in my tolerance of you....
I am

THE EarthBoundMisfit®

I am sitting here speechless.
Now for those of you who KNOW me...I mean REALLY know me(and that would be like two or three people on my list....okay maybe four or five anyway) knows it takes something astounding to render me incapable of expressing a thought. Right now happens to be one of those moments.
People on this list with small families (ie one or two siblings) won't understand the joy of reconnecting with family members you haven't seen or heard from in a long time.
How long?
Try 32 or so years. Somehow...two of my cousins have tracked me down thru the wonderment that is Myspace. I also have a Facebook page.....but hey lets face it...Facebook sucks!!
The only thing these people prolly remember me by...was that I was a pain in the azz little kid...and even that is being GENEROUS as to who and what I was  back when.
Time has a way of molding people...morphing them into completely different human beings....
So today...I welcome my cousins Jen and Janice to my page...and my life.
We have SO MUCH catching up to do...and I am excited!!!

As always...I am moderate in my tolerance of the REST of you who do not happen to share DNA with me....I am

THE EarthBoundMisfit®

As always, I am moderate in my tolerance of you, I am

THE EarthBoundMisfit

I have had it with misleading labels in supermarkets. A product will make a claim of how stupendous it is compared to other brands on the same shelf, knowing that they are LYING THROUGH THEIR TEETH! (or in some cases their asses..er MY ass heh)

Take for example the other day when I was shopping for uh....ok I admit it was toilet paper. I was buying Coke Zero and toilet paper. (I have this habit instilled by my grandmother to always buy something else when you buy toilet paper so that folks do not think that THAT is what you truly came in for. I dunno why to this day she was so paranoid about it.)
I was perusing the various toilet paper brands and judging at first by softness....and thickness. When I looked inside my wallet to see how much money I had....I had to re-strategize and search according to price.
SURELY, SURELY I thought it is possible to make soft AND cheap toilet paper right?
I like Charmin with the gentle aloe vera lotions as much as the next guy....but NOT when it costs $12.99 (and thats WITH a 10% employee discount at Kmart.) So I settled on what used to be known as BRAND X and bought Eversoft instead.

I paid for my groceries and didn't give it another thought until.....I had to ah use the men's room (with the most recent edition of MaximumPC magazine of course) and answered Nature's call.

Upon using the paper I bought I IMMEDIATELY realized my mistake. I didn't however notice it until damn near ALL the hairs in my buttcrack were instantaneously removed (pulled) all at once.
Oh yeah picture that...a toilet paper that waxes your butt hairs.Can you say OUCH!!!!? EVERSOFT MY AZZ er you know what I mean.

Calling that paper soft is like calling Rambo a pansy....its a label that JUST doesn't FIT.
What it SHOULD be labelled is JOHN WAYNE TOILET PAPER....ROUGH-TOUGH-AND-DON'T-TAKE-SH&T-OFF-NOBODY! although I kinda doubt you could fit that all on the front label.

So its official. From now on....I'll spend the extra $7 to wipe my hiney in comfort. If I want to epilate my butt hairs again....I'll wipe with sandpaper.

As always I am mild in my  tolerance of you....I am

THE EarthBoundMisfit®

Many of you know I'm the emotional sort...but I am picky and choosy as to whom I express it.
I don't like writing gloomy blogs...so this will be the last one, before I move on.
My older sister Stormy died Sunday in a motorcycle accident...and I've had some time to reflect on some of the memories (some good and bad) that I had of her.
I guess I didn't know her very well, because I dunno her favorite color, food, or music. I think I knew once upon a time, but I was a different person then...and she was too.

I remember fighting and arguing over whose turn it was to get the prize out of the cereal box....not just with her...my older brother Mark was in the equation as well. I was number three on the totem pole rung....so I usually got the hand-me- down, already played with, and possibly broke toys they had gotten bored with.

I remember Stormy freezing her koolaid or tea in the freezer and chipping away with it with a spoon as we watched cartoons. I remember being in awe and impressed with such a small gesture. I did that for years after that. I still do sometimes.

I remember thinking Stormy had invented the ice cream float. I had never seen anyone pour Dr Pepper or Coke on ice cream before her...man was I disappointed to find out that had been done for years.

I remember an April Fool's Day prank I played on her when I was 10. She was going to make oatmeal on Wednesday...so I poured salt in the sugar bowl...and sugar in the salt shaker.
You can imagine the confusion that reigned the next day. And since they knew what a smartass I was even then....they knew who to blame for it.
Guilty as charged.

I remember a Christmas gift I got her when I was 7. I hadn't had that much money...and I remember her playing with jacks alot....so I got her that as a gift. I was pretty hurt when she threw it in the garbage a day later. She didn't see me see her throw it away....and I guess it still kinda bothers me to this day.

I remember when she left her first husband Kevin. She came to live with my father and I. We had just gotten a answering machine. I remember us laughing hysterically as he cursed out the &^%% answering machine. Which made it all the more funnier when the machine gave a loud BANG!!! and gave up the ghost. It never worked again.

I remember being there at her high school graduation along with my brother and Children's Home houseparent Mr Sudberry.
I also remember her absence at my own high school graduation. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters, and only my father and girlfriend at the time attended.

I remember the birth of her first son Seth.
I also remember being dismayed at her and her fifteen year old daughter when it was annouced that her daughter was pregnant. I told them both that they needed a good swift kick. Our already strained relationship kind of died at that point. To this day I regret saying that.

I remember Stormy coming home from school when she was 14 and announcing she was to be referred to from then on as Teresa (her middle name). Kids at school had taken to telling her 'get away from me Stormy...I dont wanna get rained on.' Which is cruel....but kinda funny in a twisted sort of way.

I remember our father teasing her about her accent. Stormy had moved to Mississippi when she was 18...and she sounded very much like a country hick. WHen dad told her that quite a few of our people had lived there and didn't speak the same way....her face fell....and she said " I caint hep it Dayad!"

I remember my stomach dropping when I came home from work on Monday, and my wife telling me that Stormy had died the day before. It took awhile to realize the loss....and the more I reflect....the more I remember. The more I remember....some of these things I have rememberd just as I started to type...the more it hurts.

Such a waste. Such a loss.
Good-bye Stormy. I still love you, and I always will.

Wishing you all the peace and rest in the world,
your little brother - Glenn

Once upon a time, there were seven siblings.
One died in 2007...and another died in a crash last night in Memphis, Tennessee.
So now there are five siblings.
Its like being part of a gruesome "One little....two little...three little indians."
Dammit Stormy...why didn't you ever let us be a part of your life? We didn't look down on you. Yes you made some bad choices....we ALL do and have...we're only human.
I'm told you didn't suffer, so for that much I am thankful.

More than my loss, I grieve for your children. They weren't ready for a tragedy like this, but then again none of us ever are. None of us are truly psychic when it counts.
Glenn

People who point out their puns are like comedians who explain their jokes... they both think you're too stupid to get it.

I can't stand people who point out their puns.

The only good thing about the phrase "pun intended" is that it saves you time when you want to say "hello, I'm going to be at the bag convention this weekend, please be sure to 'pop' by and say 'hi.'

Here's the deal: when you point out your puns... you're making a value judgement on me. You're saying...

Hey dude...guess what? I think you're a moron. You see that play on words I just made? Hell yeah... well that wasn't an accident. In fact... I thought it was so clever that I didn't think your simple mind would be able to comprehend the brilliance of my play on words... and I wanted to make sure you know that I'm not only smart enough to use homonyms... but that I'm smart enough to point them out.

The sheer level of narcissism it takes to think that anyone gives a fart about whether or not you meant to write your pun is mind boggling. If narcissism were measured in units of mass... the skulls of people who pointed out puns would crush in on themselves in a giant black hole of stupidity.

The other variation of calling attention to a pun is the pun denial, or "no pun intended," which is a less formal way of saying:

Hey dude,
Please direct your attention towards my pun. Admittedly I do think it's clever... but I think that you think so highly of me... that I want you to know that I would never resort to using such a commonplace literary device in my prose. Therefore... I would like to formally renounce my attempt at humor and assure you that I am above making puns as a pupil of language.

The phrase "no pun intended" makes me want to band saw my scrotum just in case I'm ever the last man alive and I have to risk repopulating Earth with some dimwit female who digs pundom.
Though technically any child spurted from my baby canon would be awesome... his radness would be diluted by my lesser half's mentally diluted genes.

There's no such thing as an unintentional pun; the act of typing the phrase "no pun intended" makes it intentional.

If your pun truly wasn't intended... then why did you say it dee-dee-dee?

In the time it took you to type out your stupid pun, you could have erased it and typed something else, dumbass!

I read an exchange the other day between some loser flirting with some lonely single mom on a message board for lonely single losers (not to preclude one from the other, no reason you can't be both).
The guy's avatar said "IRISH 4 LIFE," and his profile stated that he's a "Dave Matthews Band" fan... so already his face is high on my list of places I would like to rest my feet (Dave Matthews fans are like the trans-fats of fandom... oversaturated with obnoxiousness found everywhere, and impossible to get rid of.)
For example... they only refer to the band as DMB... (you can't abbreviate the word 'band' azzholes!!) it's a band by virtue of the fact that there is more than 1 person in it... (and for the record, adding the word 'band' to your name doesn't make you any less of an egotistical dumbass). 
For the record... the Dave Matthews Band is the whitest band ever... which is really saying something considering 3 of the members are black, and Dave Matthews is literally an African American (born in South Africa).

His music can be heard in Whole Foods stores, Live Earth concerts, or blasting from the speakers of open-topped Jeeps parked on curbs everywhere. The typical fan is either some dude wearing khaki cargo shorts replete with dangling rock climbing hooks.... even though he doesn't hike because he can't afford to drive his gas-guzzling Jeep... or some chick with huge boobs, buck teeth, and an ankle-length floral skirt that she twirls around like an idiot because she thinks her awesome boobs give her enough social capital to make up for the buck teeth and hairy toes (they don't).

So anyway, I signed up for an account so I could send this guy hate mail for being a "DMB" fan since that was enough, but what I read next made me so mad that I almost headbutted myself in the face.

He was trying so hard to impress this chick, that he made a pun and followed it with "(and yes, pun intended!!)" So not only did he point out his pun, but he took it a step further and answered an imaginary rhetorical question that nobody was asking.

Here's how the conversation played out in his head:

IRISH4LIFE: "Fighting global warming is cool." Hmm, I wonder if people will get the subtle association between the word "cool" and the concept of "global warming," since global warming has to do with heat, and the word cool has to do with cultural attitudes and perceptions as well as how chill something is. Holy Hell, another pun! I'm on fire! (Pun INTENDED! Three puns in a row?! I'm SO getting laid here.

But what if she reads it and doesn't get it? I can picture her in my head:

Lonely mom: "Wait! Did you intentionally--"

IRISH4LIFE: I'd better cut her off mid-sentence while she's thinking by adding the parenthetical: "(yes! yes, that was intentional)." You've still got it, Irish.

Ho ho ho! Laugh it up, dillhole. People who point out their puns should be put to sleep (gassed).

You know what's funny?
When people take catch phrases from funny movies, television shows, and comedians, then they repeat them in their best impression...regardless of their awkward accent... gender or lack of comedic timing.
I personally cannot get enough of it. My favorite example of this comes from a skit on "Chappelle's Show," in which Dave Chappelle did a parody of 80's pop singer Rick James.
The popular phrase from this skit was when Chappelle would say "I'm Rick James... bitch!"
For awhile everyone from high society to pimply faced high school kids around the world repeated this phrase every chance they got... giggling spastically every time one of them said it in their crackling pre-pubescent voice.
I don't know how, but now every time someone does their impression of Dave Chappelle saying "I'm Rick James, bitch," it keeps getting funnier and funnier. Man, I never get tired of hearing people repeat their favorite lines from Chappelle's show.
Of course, this begs the question... are these people paying homage to Chappelle, or are they cheapening the phrase, making it tired and unfunny?
I did some research to find out what qualification these fans had, and posted my findings in a study.
The results were hardly surprising: my study  suggested that 6,367,619,884 out of every 6,367,619,885 people in the world are not Dave Chappelle, and therefore should shut the hell up. This finding was in contrast to what I thought initially... that these fans were in fact qualified to use Dave's catch phrase, otherwise why would they parrot on endlessly like idiots desperate to make their peers laugh at the expense of permanently ruining an otherwise funny joke?
Look morons... it's funny when Dave Chappelle says it, not you. I'm tired of people adopting speech patterns, catch phrases, and their entire personalities from movies.
When Jim Carrey's "Ace Ventura" came out... every comic wannabe I know did their worst "allllrighty then" impression. You can still hear it echoed by smug school girls who try to compensate for their lack of personality and any semblance of wit by chanting this mantra.... so maybe you won't notice that they're lying whores.
The worst is when some gabby rottencrotch is the center of a party, and someone tells an awkward story, to which she'll pause a beat, roll her eyes, then say "oooooookayyyyy!"  (Makes me want to punch someone in the ovaries.)
Then she thinks it's funny and she high fives all her snobby bitch friends who watch stupid drivel like "Will & Grace" and "Veronica Mars," all while listening to whiny angst-filled "emo" alternative crap and taking everything Carson Daly says as gospel.
I hope you CHOKE.