I hold my breath to avoid the swelling in my chest

I put away the pictures that haunt me with moments from the past

The information I need is unanticipated and unrecognized by the culprit

His iniquity hides  beneath his mask of sympathy

Which I eat up like good luck charms

Hoping to see the dawn surpass the dark

Which isolates all hope and survival instincts

Which is bound to be decreased by a nonentity who holds the power

The power that I surrendered

When does it stop…

…The sick feeling in my stomach

…the negativity which strangles me

…the games we play through refutation of feelings

…the tears that escape each night

I hold my breath to steal a single moment in time

A time without regret but full of love and hope for the future

A seeming impossible time as I watch you destroy yourself little by little

And I latch on to burn with you as you self destruct

Because I want nothing else

Nothing else seems worth this breath except the future we started and didn't finish

So instead I wait

Holding my breath

Taking all the hits you give

Watching your obliteration

Accepting all the aches you bring me

After all…what comes after death but creation of something else?

This is where you'll find me waiting

A flashlight lost in the dark

Waiting for a flicker of hope

I cut my skin today hoping to feel something other than this mental agonizing pain

I watched the velvety red blood pool and slide around

And then I cut myself again

It lasted only a moment but that moment got me away from you

Away from all the blues and tears that I've cried

Away from the past pain and the current lies you try to convey

But after all this I know better

I wish I knew better

And all I need is something to help me sleep

When I know that you're not good for me

But once I'm there you haunt my dreams with all your chaos and ignorance

And I'm left quivering on my bed unable to dream of better days

Which I wish included you

But will, in all of the worst ways

As our relationship continues to decay

In a bitter, show all, merciless manner

And I don't know what to do or how to act

How can I be friends when you've become my biggest enemy?

My biggest obstacle?

All I can feel is odium and regret

But not for the reasons that you think

But for what I can't contest

It's just one of those days when the world has had its way with you

Past flames ignite to torment

The workload begins to haunt your dreams

And dreams themselves turn against you

It's one of those days when the dreary clouds refuse to fade

And the sunshine ceases to expose

And a cornflake conforms to the raisin ways

It's one of those days when love fails to have significance

And the idea of happiness lies in the wrong hands

And bitterness takes hold of all agenda

It's one of those days when you lose all hope

And stop caring about the future and those involved in it

The world stops turning and the weather turns harsher

And the light extinguishes within

What do I want?

I want to be curled up on his couch in his arms

Snuggled in his tenderness

I want to have a working car that stays that way

A job that is fulfilling and that appreciates my hard work

I want to be independent of dependence

And confident in my choices

I want to know what those choices are and know the time to make them

I want to feel a piece of bliss

Rather than the cloudiness that haunts me daily

And the regret the tears at my very being

I want to be without hate for those who deceived me

And without want for wanting to be deceived

I want to be trustworthy and no longer ignorant of the obvious

But mostly I wish to be true to myself and my needs

I can’t find blissful sleep like the sleep I find that when I’m with you

Here, no arms reach out to catch my fall

Or build the wall that provides my shelter from bad thoughts

There’s no softness or heat to merge into

No tone to talk to as I lull away into my dreams

Where you wait for me but I can’t get there

I lost my way along with the ability to rest

So it seems I never quite find you

Instead I loom along, zombie like in all appearance and respect

Waiting for something to take me under

It’s you I need to lift this grief

But no solace waits on the other side

No comfort to lie beside

Just me and my thoughts

chained to my room

Alone

Half the time my life seems completely surreal to me, like maybe it’s happened to somebody else and I’m just the viewer. Most of the people I grew up with are gone, all familiar surroundings are merely a memory as I move between more frequent alien environments. People who I was once so close with, now appear as strangers that I have almost nothing in common with. I guess this is a part of the constant change and growth that we endure as continuously aging humans but for me, most of my present just seems like a lie. I’ve been to more funerals then I care to attend for the most part of my life and I’m about to attend two more, which more than likely will be in the same year. Those who see the glass as half full would say to embrace this moment to thank god for another day and the people who still exists in your life. I should be doing this but all I can focus on is the negative. Not even the funeral per say, but all the issues in my life associated with it: the money, the family strain, all the people I’ve sworn to hate who I will now concede with over the unexpected death of a loved one. Most of these people I have not seen since my mother’s funeral and had absolutely no intention of seeing again due to all the bullshit that occurred during that process. But here I am preparing to face them again and figure out all the ways to keep my cool rather than lashing out at them which would certainly be deemed "inappropriate".

But I’ve gotten off track. Surreal. That is what my life is. Maybe that’s why I’ve had so much trouble lately finding my own piece of mind and grasping myself. I feel like I’m not even me, like I’ve been replaced for the last two years and was just left to watch the events unfold but not partake in any of them. Or perhaps my serotonin levels are way to low. In either case….screw it.

I’m much more acidic than I usually am

And I seek to myself to find an answer

No answer found but plenty of jealousy, suspicion and anger arise

I take a poisoned inhalation to cope

And a bitter pill to ease the pain and bring on some dreams

But no dreams are found

No pain subsides

Yet the bitter pill grows

The poison swells and I look for more

One exhalation to bring some peace

But the war inside my mind escalates

The heat builds up and I want to yell and scream

But I keep it in

I want to be the kind one, the one to say everything’s ok

But my pain will not allow it nor my obduracy

Instead I fight the one I wish to be with the most

Hoping to make them flee and be full of discontent for me

I long to have his hands on my back

His lips on my neck

That sense of completeness in another’s arms

Skin to skin

Sweat to sweat

I wish to rid these thoughts that clog my mind

And nearly freeze time to a moment that I can’t escape

I covet to be passion free so that I may be

Captive of another task or lore

Another character of my own imagining

All I have now are these fantasies

Until their impact fades away

And my feelings sway

And my heart becomes a bitter red

Soaked in odium rather than lust

I think about the past more than I think about the future

And I let regret eat me up inside

I indulge more in my faults than in my successes

And this belittles the child in me

I stab myself in the heart rather than nurture my smarts

And this conveys the worst in me

I shred friendships and relationships rather than feel empty without the bond

And this nestles the loneliness more deeply

                I’ve been sitting in this chair for hours trying to jot down whatever is inside of me and it all just seems so melancholy. A week has gone by super slow despite all I’ve done to make it go fast. I’ve taken walks, worked, played with my son and nothing works. Nothing takes away whatever feeling this is rotting in me. I don’t feel like I made the wrong decision, nor do I feel like I made the right one. The glass is not half empty or half full or whatever crap. It just is what it is. Truth be told, I’m like a robot, going through the motions, accepting the daily routine, doomed to be engulfed by my own lameness. I’ve become some trippy version of the fifty’s woman…cooking, cleaning, organizing…yuck.

           I figured the rehabilitation would be good for me, if not something to just pass time.

                 I guess I’m sad, sad for what I don’t know. I just know I’ve lost my appetite and desire to sleep even though I feel tired enough to collapse. Sleep will just not come. Instead I listen to Jaden breathing and I stare up at a blackened sky and think of pasts and possible futures, but not with anticipation but dread. I feel like I lost something in me, like that last flame of hope finally went out. I’m just not sure. Of course, all of this is babble and nonsense and unimportant to anyone but myself.  I just find it funny that after 6 or 7 years I’m back in the same spot, doing the same things, thinking the same way.

                I thought I had traveled so much further than that.

Every joker has a different side, a dissimilar tale

Pseudo friends show their true colors and their alliances

To all but the victim

Everyone's a harlot, to each his or her own

I suppose

No one possess dignity

Morals are not a part of our generation

They went out of style, replaced by drama and calamity

Artificial guilt infuriates me more than anything else

If you did something, stick to it

Don't plea to me your shame or innocence

As this saga continues, the victim feels worse everyday

Surrounded by fake entities

Is just not the way to be saved

Voided of a soul and any character to trust

Walking these streets alone

Where whores loom with lust

The foggy streets feel colder

And the moon betrays the night

To become a aimless meander

Just might be worth the plight