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Gender: Male
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 29
Sign: Leo
City: Uptown Whittier
State: California
Country: US
Signup Date: 8/26/2005
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November 22, 2009 - Sunday
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Current mood:  grateful
Category: Writing and Poetry
Tell me tell me again
will it ever end?
Nothing seems to come out right
It doesn't come out right
Ain't it the truth
No where to run
no end in sight
Tell everyone that you're are alright
All of this life
I never meant to tell a lie
And if I can hold on
I tell you its alright
-JET
~*~
It's a mellow Thursday afternoon in the city with No Name, the economy has repossessed its identity, and with it has put a lean against the popular sentiment. In this time and place, a man sits on a bench holding a sign, he sighs as he asks for help. His name is Carl.
A self-made man, sunken into self-made ruin, the plummeting hard the flight short,
nevertheless, he wears his best, he keeps holding on to pride despite the misery. He once worked in one of the many tall buildings in this City, a key person he was, until the lock he had on his future, the security his career afforded him swang wide open and let everything fall out to thieves and plunderers, the ransackers within that took everything out, and left him and so many others out of work, out of luck. Yet still he sits, he wants to believe, he wants to hope against hope, that someone may care.
All he needs is someone to talk to. He is a desperate man, looking to do desperate things, at a desperate hour.
No one stops to say hello, or grace him with the pittance of a smile, much less acknowledge him on the bench.
People rushing by to their own ends, some to work, some going home, some heading to meet with friends, others for a evening tryst, some go to pick up their kids at daycare, some go to visit their ailing kin, others to go seek help at a church or a clinic or a group, all of them oblivious of the man in a suit with a cardboard sign.
Some take note and grimace and scowl at the man, as if his defiance of his current state on the clothes he wears is some kind of affront to their intelligence. As if in their snickers and hushed comments they judge him to be some kind of prankster, for surely a man so well dressed is not as miserable as his sign makes out. Some people even feel some kind of affront, that this man's actions is some sort of insult to the true misery of others, that this gesture of his is a mockery and falsehood. Still some find his seeming cynical act comical and laugh among themselves when they see him. No one gets him, no one understands, no one stops to ask him, no one listens, no one cares. No one can afford the time to care, to stop, to listen, to ask, to discover what is really there.
The sun begins to set, it's been a full day that's come up empty. The man begins to get up and leave, prepares himself to leave this place, this City, this life, this world. Just as he looks about him he begins to see the City, the world, this life is full of the living dead, those that live for themselves and are dead to others... but before he can entertain such deep thoughts he is approached by a homeless man covered in his own shame and wearing his own ruin with a scent of desperation and filth.
"Hey buddy are you gonna use your sign?"
The suited man gives it to him with tears in his eyes. The first words at him were meant at taking from him. 'Is this what we have become?', he asks himself. Before he can be thoroughly convinced of his assessment of a selfless selfish world, the bum hands him 45 cents and addresses him...
'You don't belong here man, no matter what you lost, you still got the look of one that can take all the crap he is going through now and then some, you just forget that. Me? I was done with trying a long time ago. Here's enough for a coffee at Old Maude's, she's down the way a bit, but nothing gets me through the cold mornings like a cup of her joe. Tell her Ol' Mick sent ya. God bless ya man.'
The suited man walked away with tears in his eyes. He ma have lost millions, but this change he held in his hand, and the promise of a warm cup of coffee, was nothing less than the promise of a new start, the thing he wanted all day Thursday.
We cannot do great things on this Earth, only small things with Great Love
-Bl. Mother Teresa of Calcutta-
~*~
Do something great today for someone.
Cheers,
CLT
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August 11, 2009 - Tuesday
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Current mood: grateful
Category: Life
There are places i'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends i still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life i've loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When i think of love as something new
Though i know i'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know i'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more
-The Beatles
~*~
Hello again. It's been a bit longer than I had intended, and a lot longer than I wanted to have been since sitting here and posting again.
To those steadfast and true on my readers list, your dedication and faith in my abilities is humbling and much appreciated.
There was a cool morning in August once, in a hospital not to far from where I am sitting now, where a frantic young couple was admitted on an emergency basis. A woman was about to give birth, and officially enter the realm of motherhood, and a nerve-wrecked man was about to be plunged into fatherhood officially. In their nervous and pained sighs, moans, and perspirations, the fears and hopes for tomorrow loomed over their present situation like some dream that was ever vividly before them. These people were my parents, and I was born on such a day in August, the 8th to be exact, in the year 1980. 8-8-80, wow. As if some intense conjunction of time, space, and circumstance revolved around the cosmos, in some preordained, or at least precognitive manner.
I was to come before this earth like a naked, vulnerable, and fragile mess of perfection, unique, alone in my identity, and yet for many a while weak and needy. For truly all who wish to assert themselves in this world must first yield themselves. I certainly did as I was handled by people in robes and gloves before I was returned to my mother and father, only to vaguely hear in my most remote of memories, my father look upon me while my mother uttered, 'Christopher... Christopher Luke Trevilla'.
For people that love theories of numbers, stars, destinies and what not this much I have learned: I was born when Saturn was of influence on my equator, and the Lion was trailing the sun, the dragon was in the uppermost regions, and the little dog was near the bottom. My birthdate number is clearly an 8, and I have a life path number of 6. Any meaning derived of these appreciated, though I have always known myself to be a complicated, conflicted, but altogether charming, confident, and courageous man.
I spent my 29th birthday with family, most of it anyways, and my lover as well. While beautiful to get away, the escape was not without some remorse, some pain, some conflict. The thing with life is that you will never have joy without pain, so it went well. Nevertheless, the great length that others went to make it special will live in my soul for some time.
I learned the following this past year:
1. I have to learn to speak up, seriously, it has been given an informal diagnosis by now. I need to better externalize what I have going on inside.
2. I cannot be all things to all people, I need to be content and satisfied with what I want from myself and demand of myself first, pay myself first, and then project/give/do/act. I am not Superman.
3. I need to stand on my own in many things still. It's about time I do.
4. I am entering the age where more and more people come in, fewer stay, and even more leave.
5. It's gonna be time for a professional move in a year or so, but first I have to commit to school ... again.
6. Gotta face my problems and work on them to fix it.. preferrably on my own.
7. Need to reach out and get help, drop the pride and the knowitallism and be vulnerable, it will help with no. 1 up there.
9. Travel, I gotta do more of it.
10. She really really loves you man, don't hurt her, and don't mess up, enjoy her, enjoy life, and see where tomorrow takes you two.
11. So you have everything you need now to start strumming on your guitar for reals, that is on your own, and make something of it.
12. Keep the beard and the hair, get it trimmed next month to even it out and stuff. It looks good on you.
13. Being active in restricting your diet and improving your body is a constant struggle, but oh so worth it, it becomes routine, it becomes a passion, it becomes a part of your life, and so far I welcome what it has brought to me thus far.
14. Being overweight is indeed a lifestyle, it is in fact choosing what makes you happy and repeating this to the point of it hurting you, the thing is once you notice this you can stop or you can go numb and continue. I was numb for a very very long time.
15. Music, I was a late bloomer, but man I love you all.
16. Apparently I love to swim, I mean A LOT. Of course cause it is a work out and part of the fitness plan, that and swimming to and from the shore to a buoy is real awesome.
17. I need to tan.. EVENLY. Seriously this whole farmer's tan is insane.
18. Kisses in the morning are the best.
19. Singing in your car is perfectly acceptable and you can't get a ticket for that. If I am driving and you calling me, just leave a message, I am probably belting out some Stevie Wonder, Queen, Michael Jackson, the Who, U2, Rolling Stones, Jamiroquai, AC/DC, JET, etc.
20. This new year gets me published. While being published at 30 seems more respectable, the heck with convention.
21. One does not have to be the loneliest number.
22. It's funny I get carded more now with the beard and hair than ever before, and that is awesome!!!
23. I got some moves on the dance floor! I am glad and grateful for all the lessons my mum, uncle Memo, and my grandpa put in early in my life.
24. I can sing! Apparently I ain't the only one to think so, and with a band, its even cooler!
25. I work wonders under pressure, that is to say I procrastinate, not a good thing, but it does drive me to excel.
26. I suppose I can be bossy and a bit of a grouch at times, working on this.
27. I love my family, no matter how crazy and scattered it seems to be, I love them all.
28. I love me, the person that I was, that I am, that I want and working towards being.
~*~
Heres to many more years, and blogs of course!
Cheers,
CLT
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July 5, 2009 - Sunday
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Current mood:  enlightened
Category: Writing and Poetry
If what you know is who you are
Then she's everything
You don't need an education
To know what class that your in
They said 'hey there girl tell me what do you do'
She said 'nothing but I'm damn sure it's more than you'
She said hey there boy
Come on over and sit
Love is when you wanna kiss
And you get bit
-JET
~*~
It was a happy morning after a happier anniversary night for Sandra and Isaac. Time seemed to fly away in the flurry of moments and thoughts...
9:05 am: He's eating his cereal in the living room, his groin, legs, and buttocks are sore from the night before, he adjusts himself on the sofa, he flicks on the television and keeps the volume down. He doesn't want to wake her up. It was a crazy night. He smiles at the thought of what happened. Oh the game is on.. cool.
9:09 am: She is opening her eyes and stretching out onto a bed laid into ruin after a long night of cavorting like a pair of beasts, predator and prey, switching roles throughout the night. She runs her hands across her body, imagining his touch, remembering. She turns to where he should be and he is not. Where is he? She hears noises in the living room... Oh that's right the game is on. Hmmm...
9:15 am: Noises from the bedroom, I think she is up. Hmm. Maybe I should just set this to record and surprise her in the morning shower. Surely she's had enough? We went at it four times, I hardly slept, and did everything she asked of me, and her of I, we just went crazy. Hmm. Let me set this anyways.
9:17am: Wow I am sore. Better set the bath, a shower is not going to cut it. I have to say it was crazy last nite. It's like we really let ourselves go and got wild. I didn't know he had so many different fantasies about sex. I mean I have a lot, and we went for the big ones. The teacher-student, the bondage, he even let me use some of my toys. I kinda regret letting him go in my behind, but I did get him though. Still I could use a little help in here. I wonder if he will hear me if i call.
9:20am: She's definitely being deliberate in taking her time. A bath maybe? Man, we did some crazy things. I remember only watching stuff like that on my old vids and stuff. Ugh. I wonder if I am supposed to be sore like this. He adjusts in his seat for the 3rd time in 5 minutes. I hear my name, I better go over there. I wonder what she'll want from me this time.
9:21am: Oh he's coming, I better think of something. I've never done it in a shower before. I think I'll get in and ask him for help with my bath. She hops into the water that was not yet warm enough. She screams quietly so as to not alarm him. She sees him come in.
'Hi babe. Do you need something.' He asks with a calm collected tone, knowing what she may end up asking for.
'Yes, I am really sore from last night baby. You did me really good. Can you help me with my legs, I don't want to cramp up.' She did her best to say it in a flirty and seductive manner.'
He picks up on it and kneels beside her in the bath, and begins to wash her slowly and softly with the sponge and loofa. They talk.
'So baby, tell me' she begins to say, 'Did last nite, was it good for you?' She pauses for a reply, eagerly waiting for him to speak.
He sighs and smiles. 'Babe, it was incredible. I mean I never felt we connected as much as we did last nite, I've always felt we held back, were not true to who we were or wanted, and last nite we just let that all go. You were incredible, and I hope we do it like this for a very long time. I mean it was like a movie, or even online thing. No, it was way better.'
She looked at him confused but delighted somehow, her curiosity got the better of her.
'So you mean like we never had sex the way you liked it before? So what was it like the times before?'
She awaited his response with growing urgency, and surprisingly growing irritation.
'Well no, that's not it' he bagan to say, 'I mean each time before was awesome as well, it's just that this time was just different, I mean we did different things, incorporated our mutual fantasies, we let ourselves go, it was just different. I feel as if I know you know a lot more. It was just different that's all babe. I wouldn't read into all that much, just relax.'
She became all the more upset. She hated when he did not answer her question fully and just pushed her questions under a rug. She took the loofa from the edge of the bath and began washing herself.
He got the hint. He shrugged and shook his head. Looks like online porn for tonite... again.
~*~
Sometimes fantasies can get in the way of how we deal with the layers of our realities. How can we get beyond what is real and what is not, and incorporate the true emotions at the root of pleasure, for truly without this connection, raw physicality, while great, will always come up short of true connection. Thoughts?
Cheers,
CLT
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June 21, 2009 - Sunday
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Current mood:  adventurous
Category: Writing and Poetry
Cause nothing you can ever say
Cause nothing you can ever do
Still..
Every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I call again
-The Cure
~*~
Strangled by our Coveting
TeaPartyGirl - Deviant Art.com
Kaera looked into the mirror, the same one she had looked out into crowd as she drove to work late Monday night. She saw him everywhere looking at her, looking for her, looking into her. How did he get this close? She felt scared and guilty and confused, She didn't like this, not one bit.
She laughed it off. She had nothing to worry about it, she addressed it, she worked things out. It was just a simple misunderstanding. She never meant to imply or suggest a thing. It was he who in fact tried to cross the line, and he was refused.
Like with so many others, she found herself with her dilemna of being hot then cold with people as soon as they showed interest and reciprocated her attentions. Stilll, he was not the least bit unattractive. He was admittedly wealthy, successful, and single. She found herself thinking of him and fantasizing about him often. But she would never tell him.
She pulled into the old familiar place, and pulled out her duffel bag. Nurse or Teacher today? She felt like being a healer. As she got her things out of her bag, she noticed a few disapproving glances from the street. Couples new and old would frequent the dinner across the street from the club, unfortunately in the area she would park as she did not want her vehicle to be identified by anyone. She was not wearing anything too revealing, but she had forgotten that her effect on men (and women too) would often attract the ire and stink eye of those walking hand in hand with a wandering eyed partner.
As silly as the judging and protectiveness was to Kaera, she understood it. Happiness was indeed a fragile thing, where as misery was everywhere. It was tempting because it never disguised itself as something unsavory. It always adorned itself as the most desireable thing.
And people would covet this. In her case she knew she coveted the comfort and consolation that having someone meant, but she would be miserable forsaking her freedom. After all no man truly wanted her for her company outside the club and booth, and if so, only for the night, and even then, they would want control, for that is what they all want in the end. In the case of the wandering eyed partner, it was clear he/she coveted her body for him/herself but would end up miserable in admitting this in any way shape or form for doing so would hurt his partner and resentment would ensue.
She got her things and went inside the grimy place. Her friend was on stage earning her money to finish school and feed her little girl. None of that mattered to the greedy hands and eyes that threw away their paychecks, pensions, and savings for the appearance, if for only a moment, of her attention her desire, whatever their coveting minds would have it be. She made her way to the back to dress up. She then froze as a familiar hand took her by the arm and a haunting set of lips whispered into her ear.
"I can't give you up, I can't get you out of my mind, nothing lasts forever, tomorrow may never come, at least give me tonight."
It was him, he was coveting, but this time, she was coveting him right back. He coveted her for the adventure and madness she possessed, she coveted him for the escape and surrender her offered with him. The night was made for coveting it seemed. She took the day off. It wouldn't last.
~*~
Desire, Lust, Attraction are so often messy things in this life, sometimes it is way too easy to simply forget and be bestial about them. In some cases this seems the best way to go, but at what cost?
Cheers,
CLT
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