- I am not allowed to refer to pickled newt’s brain as ‘Snape Food’.
- The same rule applies to bat dung.
- I may not chase Seamus Finnegan around school in search of his ‘Pot o’ Gold’.
- Nor am I allowed to tell people he’s a leprechaun on steroids.
- I may not question the Hufflepuff’s loyalty.
- I am not allowed to purposefully charm Filch’s underwear into a wedgie.
- Nor am I allowed to do it ‘by accident’.
- I am not allowed to yodel during important parts of Dumbledore’s speech.
- The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason. I may not tell First Years that there is a party down there.
- Especially when there isn’t.
- I may not refer to Sirius Black as ‘Seriously Black’.
- Nor am I allowed to call him a wigga.
- Just because I use air quotes does not mean the rules have changed.
- Blaise Zabini is not my ‘brotha from anotha motha’.

-I am not allowed to call him that.
- Nor am I allowed to call Draco Malfoy my ‘sista from anotha mista’.
- Even if I do suspect he’s a girl.
- "Like a cow in the springtime" is not an acceptable phrase to use in my essay. I may not do so.
- I am not allowed to smack others with my wand. For whatever reason – if I have a problem with somebody, I must go to a teacher.
- Professor McGonagall is not my "bitch".
- Just because she morphs into a female animal does not make her my "bitch".
- Nor is she my "home gurl".
- Nor is Ron, Percy’s ‘mini-me’.
- I may not ‘frolic’ to class.
- I may not sell Hermione’s homework for profit.
- I may not attempt to breed House Elves.
- Nor may I attempt to buy their children.
- I may not refer to Slytherins as "Children of the Corn".
- I am not allowed to call Harry "Scarface".
- Nor am I allowed to call him "Pothead".
- I am not allowed to ask First Years if they need help ‘polishing their wand’. No matter how funny their reactions are.
- I may not perform last rights on Harry as he sleeps.
- The portrait of the Fat Lady is not called ‘Piggy’. I may not call her that. Nor may I encourage her to diet.
- I may not attempt to poke Nearly Headless Nick. No matter how fun it is.
- I may not initiate an Inter-House Bunking Day.
- I may not go to class in the Girl’s uniform.
- No matter how ‘breezy’ I think the skirt is.
- Hagrid is not going to eat me.
- I am not allowed to refer to Dumbledore as "pops".
- Building a giant model of the moon made entirely of cheese is not an acceptable extra-credit assignment.
- I may not refer to Peeves as "Peewee".
- Nor am I allowed to call him Caspar; his name is Peeves.
- I may not question Ernie as to where ‘Bert’ is.
- I am not allowed to ask Hermione why she has a squirrel on her head.
- That is her hair; I must leave it alone.
- I am not allowed to lick people just for the fun of it.
- I may not tell Professor Snape that I think he’s sexy.
- Nor may I tell him that I want to have his babies.
- I am not Merlin.
- Just because I have a shiny hat does not make me Merlin.
- No one cares about the fact that I think I’m Merlin.
- Millicent Bulstrode is not a man; I may not tell her she looks like one.
- I may not tell people that if they anger me I will eat their first born child.
- I may not steal Professor Trelawny’s glasses just because I like them.
- I may, however, tell her that they please me.
- Draco Malfoy is not a vampire. I am not allowed to "stake" him.
- I am not allowed to form Satanic cults simply because I’m bored.
- I may not step on the head’s of First Years due to the fact that they’re shorter than I am.
- I may not answer "Yo Momma" when Professor McGonagall asks me if I’m paying attention in class.
- I may not attempt to bribe Professor Sprout. Especially with leftover vegetables from last night’s dinner.
- I may not publicly accuse Madame Pomfrey of ‘sampling’ the medication.
- Nor may I offer to join her.
- Voldemort is not my uncle.
- Nor has he ever been.
- I am not allowed to ‘stalk’ the First Years.
- Nor am I allowed to ‘hunt’ them.
- Salazar Slytherin is not my ‘bitch’.
- Hugging the wrong end of a Blast Ended Skrewt is a bad idea. I may not do so.
- Ron is not Hermione’s pimp. I may not tell everyone that he is.
- Nor am I her pimp.
- I may not attempt to ‘convert’ the Hufflepuffs.
- I am not allowed to tell everyone that Malfoy blows Snape on a nightly basis.
- It is not my ‘duty’ to inform the staff of the large bag of weed under Goyle’s bed.
- Especially if it turns out to be regular cut grass.
- I may not attempt to cut Snape’s hair.
- Nor am I allowed to sell it.
- Eating a bar of chocolate that weighs more than I do is a bad idea. I may not do so.
- The Centaurs are free-thinking creatures; I may not attempt to "tame" them.
- Nor am I allowed to attempt to breed them.
- I am not allowed to draw naughty stick figures on the wall as the teacher turns around.
- Nor am I allowed to openly mock her reaction.
- I may not dye my skin blue.
- Professor Dumbledore is not a woman in disguise; I may not tell everyone that he is.
- I may not steal the bludgers and release them during Potions class.
- I am not allowed to sign Lucius Malfoy up to be a ‘playmate’. Nor am I allowed to laugh when he gets accepted.
- I may not tell Ron that Hermione is a lesbian just to see what he does.
- I am not allowed to inform Remus that his last name rhymes with "poopin’".
- I may not claim to be the next Dark Lord.
- Nor may I claim to be "Hogwarts’ Queen".
- I am not allowed to steal the toilet seats in every bathroom.
- Nor am I allowed to sell them.
- I am not offer to cook people’s owls.
- Trevor is not food.
- I am not allowed to strip dance for extra credit.
- I may not steal everyone’s left shoe.
- Nor may I steal their right ones.
- I may not steal Collin’s camera and use it to take nude pictures of myself.
- I am not allowed to try and kiss the Giant Squid.
- I am not allowed to tell Cho that she’s putting on weight nicely just to see if she’ll cry.
- I may not attempt to eat Filch’s cat, Mrs. Norris.
- Nor may I attempt to eat his pants.
- I may not point and laugh at the Ravenclaws.
- I am not allowed to scream "Rape! Rape!" in a public place every time Professor Snape walks by.
- I am not allowed to jump students in dark hallways.
- Nor am I allowed to jump professors there either. In fact, I’m not allowed to jump anyone, anywhere. Dark hallway, or not.
- No, that was not a challenge.
- Rita Skeeter in her animagus form will not make a good pet. I may not keep her.
- I may not throw a wild, raucous party the day before an exam.
- In fact, I’m not allowed to throw a party at all.
- I may not tell Luna that she belongs in a phsyc ward. No matter how crazy I think she is.
- I may not steal cutlery from the kitchens.
- Nor may I attempt to steal the House Elves.
- Fawkes is not food. I may not eat him.
- I am not allowed to recite Professor McGonagall’s dating history to the class.
- Especially when I know the list is fabricated and includes several stray cats.
-Draco Malfoy is not Harry Potter’s illicit lover. I may not tell people he is.
- Stripping during breakfast is not a great way to show Gryffindor bravery; I may not do it.
- Nor may I do it during dinner.
- My life motto may not be "what happens in Hogwarts, stays in Hogwarts".
- I am not allowed to take any Slytherin up on the challenge: "You wouldn’t dare hex me, Weasley."
- Not am I allowed to hex them unchallenged.
- I may not snorkel in the prefect’s bathroom.
- I may not wonder aloud why Myrtle looks so pale today when I know she’s in the room.
- Nor may I mock the way she died.
- I am not allowed to attempt to suck other people’s thumbs.
- I may not claim that Snape is Dumbledore’s bitch. Nor may I allude to any threesome of sorts between them and Voldemort.
. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
. The house elves are not there to do my homework.
. Neither are the ghosts.
. I am not a magical creature.
. I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.
. I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.
. Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.
. Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.
. -Or under his robe.
. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.
. Grindewald is not my role model.
. -Neither is Voldemort.
. I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.
. I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.
. -Including my own.
. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.
. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.
. "All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts.
. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.
. I will not attempt to make Professor's Trelawney's predictions come true.
. Professor Snape's problem is not that "he needs to get laid".
. Draco Malfoy is not a ferret animagus.
. Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.
. -Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.
. Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.
. Providing Peeves with a case of dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action, and I will not do it again.
. Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.

. Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.
. -Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class.
. -Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".
. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.
. Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.
. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.
. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.
. Cornelius Fudge does not appreciate being called "Fudgie the Whale.
. Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.
. I will not go into Dumbledore's pensieve looking for graphic faculty smut.
. It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.
. "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.
. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".
. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.
. I am not allowed to forget my Omnioculars in either the boys' or the girl's bathroom. Especially not while they are in recording mode.
. I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.
. I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.
. I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.
. I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think she will like them.
. I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore. Even if it would be amusing.
. -Not even if I want to try to convince others he's going senile
. I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it of Professor McGonagall.
. I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity.
. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.
. Telling people that Professor Snape is an animagus and turns into a snake is not recommended.
. Please do not tell 1st years that the fried chicken is really Kentucky Fried Owl.
. I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.

. I will not tell 1st year Hufflepuffs that the Dark Lord eats Hufflepuffs for breakfast. Or any other meal. And then tell them that if they inform anyone of the warning the Dark Lord will choose them next.
. Singing "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" whenever you see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.

. Please stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.
. I am not to "walk on water" in front of muggles.
. I will not compel Seamus Finnegan to pursue people asking them for their Lucky Charms.
. I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other people to call Ni from various directions.
. -Especially not a vampire named 'Spike'.
. Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes.
. Pinning Confederate flags to the backs of Death Eater masks is not wise.
. Voldemort does not wish to appear in a Visine commercial.
. -Or as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics.
. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.
. The ceiling of the Great Hall would not look better as an Omni IMAX dome.
. Calling Voldemort "Baldemort" is inappropriate.
. When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.
. I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.
. Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong.
-So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.
. Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.
. I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.
. Cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.
. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom.
. Cannot charm all dictionaries to have: "Gryffindor" as the definition of "gullible.
. Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.
. Robes are not optional.
. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.
. There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".
. -Even if I do conjure him up.
. Leaving mash notes signed "Your secret admirer, Harry" in Neville Longbottom's books is both unfunny and cruel.
. I will not sing the "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song when the Weasley family passes by.
. -Or the "Hee-Haw" theme song.
. -Or "Eight is Enough".
. Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" is ill advised.
. Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.
. I will not ask the school to sponsor a break dancing crew.
. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.
. Getting Colin Creevey drunk and steering him toward a sleeping Harry Potter is just a bad idea all around.
. -Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.
. Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.
. I am not a Balrog animagus.
. The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.
. I may not try to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in animagus form.
. I will not ask people what their daemons are.
. I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagna.
. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house.
. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.
. I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.
. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.
. I will not tempt Ravenclaws with apples. I will also not say that the Slytherins have tempted other students with apples.
. Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.
. -Neither is Dracula.
. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.
. If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.
. Using the 'Petrificus Totalus' curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present to the House means you should watch your back until June.
. -Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.
. -If Lee Jordan was there too, you're going to need a bodyguard.
. I will not claim to be able to see the Thestrals if I cannot.
. -I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".
. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.
. I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
.I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.
. I will not sneak up behind Draco and Harry while they are in their Staring Snarky Yelling Matches and yell, "SLASH SLASH SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!"
. I will not give Hagrid Pokmon cards and convince him that they are real animals
. -Likewise, I will not tell First Year Muggle-borns that Pokmon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum
. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.
Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".
. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".
. Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.
. The Crucible is not summer reading for History of Magic, and I should not tell First Years that it is.
. "You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.
I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.
. - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

. The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.
. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.
. - I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.
The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror.
-Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.
. -Especially if he's wearing it.
. Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as "Bulk and Skull". "Dumb and Dumber" is equally inappropriate.

. -I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.
. Comparing Draco Malfoy to Alex Krycek, Lindsay McDonald, Lex Luthor or any similar character is not an appropriate subject for a Muggle Studies essay.
. I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.
. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle's first names are, respectively, Draco, Vincent and Gregory, not Larry, Darryl and Darryl.
. The Slytherin Quidditch team should not be referred to as "Draco Malfoy and a moderate amount of cross-dressing".
. -Even if that is an accurate description.
. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.
. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
. I am not allowed to spank others.
. -Even if Malfoy liked it.
. No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.
. -This goes double for superglue.
. I am not to dance naked in the great hall.
. -Or on the grounds.
. -Generally, dancing naked is wrong.
. Despite the appearances of the employees and the vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth.
. -While in the company of goblins, I must not demand that I be taken to Jareth.
. -Nor shall I tell them "You remind me of the babe.
Draco Malfoy no longer requires a nanny, nor does he need tucking in and "a bit of a cuddle" at bedtime.
. - Not even if he insists that he does. And that his father has hired me to provide said service.
. I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet.
. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.
. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.
. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.
. I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom.
. - Nor will I ask him if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.
. I will not invite Professor Snape to a midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".
. -The same goes double for Voldemort.
. -Likewise, I will no longer be permitted to refer to Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange as Riff Raff and Magenta.
. -Especially to their faces.
. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.
. Draco Malfoy does not appreciate being called 'Ferret Boy'
. -Or 'The Blond Boy Wonder'
. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant.'. Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' is not appropriate.
. -Neither is signing them with: 'I had a great time last night, Argus Filch.'.
. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable.
. -Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty'.
. Or 'I'm too sexy'.
I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.
. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane'.
I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo "How's my Blondie-Bear?"
Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.
. It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says ..All the good-looking ones die young.. with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.
. I am not to tell Draco that I know all about his affair with Hermione Granger.
. -Especially if it's not true.
. -I also cannot sell the story to Rita Skeeter.
-Or owl Lucius, Narcissa, or Bellatrix with the imaginary details
. A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.
-Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either.
. -Giving Draco a bowl of ferret pellets with his dinner was not an act of kindness, nor was it funny.
. Voldemort is not my homeboy.
. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.
. Asking Harry how his parents are doing is just cruel.
. Repeat: Draco and Harry are not secret lovers. Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.
. Dont tell Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs that Lucius Malfoy goes around singing "Dance, Dark Lord, Dance".
I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room every time they start fighting.
. -Nor will I say this to Harry and Snape.
. -Or Harry and Draco.
. Draco Malfoy does not smell almost subliminally of summer peaches.
. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.
. -Changing the location does not make it appropriate.
. -No matter how much money I make.
. Murmuring I see dead people every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.
. I am not funny. No matter how much I make myself laugh.
. Even though Voldemort does give his followers rings, he is not Captain Planet and none of the Death Eaters have powers in wind, water, earth, fire, heart!.
. Calling Lucius Malfoy a luscious mouthful is just plain gross.
. - It is especially wrong when I call him that around Draco.
. - Or Narcissa.
Yelling BOO! at Professor Moody is not wise.
. I am not allowed to ask any of the Malfoys if it's "true that blondes have more fun.
. I am not allowed to use the superglue spell to stick Harry and Draco's hands together.
. When in the presence of the Dark Lord, I must call him The Dark Lord. Not 'Snake-Face, the Dark Lord Happy Pants'.
. -Laughing at the Dark Lord's voice is not smart.
. -Telling the Dark Lord where he can stick it is... not smart.
. -No matter what I say to the Dark Lord, I will never make him laugh.
. When surrounded by Death Eaters I will not brandish my wand like a sword and shout 'Aye! Avast.
. Jumping up on a table during dinner and singing "La Vie Boheme" is more likely to confuse my enemies than chase them out of the Great Hall. Besides, I probably won't have anyone else join in, which takes some of the fun out of it.
. Attempting to sell your soul to the Dark Lord is forbidden.
. - So is selling anyone else's soul.
. Draco Malfoy's name is not Westley, nor the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I should stop referring to him as such.
. -I must not set ROUS size on him to test this.
. -Unless he is willing to jump down a hill screaming "Asss yoooou wiiiiisssshhhh"
. I am not allowed to tell the first years that Werewolves are cute and cuddly.
. -Especially when Lupin is teaching.
. I am not allowed to scowl at the firsties.
. -Especially the Hufflepuffs.
. -Even in when I am in my Lord Voldemort costume.
. Saying the Dark Mark should be the Slytherin Crest is wrong.
. - Especially in front of Slytherins.
. - Especially in front of Snape.
. - Double especially in front of Snape during potions.
. I am not to wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.
. I am not allowed to declare Official Hug A Slytherin Day.
. There is no connection between Hitler and Voldemort.
. I will not sing "Defying Gravity" during Quidditch practice.
. I am not allowed to teach "I Feel Pretty" to Professor Lockhart.
. I am not allowed to sing Angel of Music to all the mirrors in school to see if anyone sings back.
. I am not allowed to say "Shiiire...Baaaagiiiins..." around dementors.
. I am not allowed to call Dumbledore, "the Great and Powerful Oz" or "Gandalf".
If a classmate falls asleep I will not take advantage of the fact,and draw a dark mark on their arm.
I am not allowed to start a psychology class for Draco, Ron or Harry.
Nor am I allowed to say that Harry’s hatred toward Draco has anything to do with masked sexual tension.
I am not allowed to sacrifice first years upon the alter of Draco Malfoy.
Nor am I allowed to make an alter for said Malfoy.
I am not allowed to say that Peter Pettigrew owes Narsicssa child support…. Again.
Not allowed to ask why Neville’s eyes are always dilated whenever he picks up Trevor.
Professor Snape does not respond fondly too ‘Sev,’, ‘Debbie’ or Jesus.
Even if you did just call him God.
Not allowed to tell first years that Professor Sprout is actually the Jolly Green Giant.
Especially if they do not know what the Jolly Green Giant is.
Not allowed to sell my Muggle possessions to firsties.
Especially for outrageous prices.
Whenever someone falls asleep in class I am not allowed to take advantage of that fact and steal their money.
Even if they piss me off.
I am not allowed to steal collin's camera and hide it in the Chamber of Secrets.
Or hang it over the Quidditch pitch.
‘Seekers do it with Wood’, is not funny, not even if Harry and Oliver are the only ones laughing.
Not allowed to run into the Great Hall screaming ‘Voldemort’s coming, Voldemort’s coming!’ Not even if I put on an ‘April Fool’s’ afterward, even if it isn’t April.
I am not allowed to tell ron that his position of Harry Potter’s best friend has been taken over by Aragog.
Nor am I allowed to address him as ‘That one boy that’s fucking Harry.’
Especially in front of anyone.
I am not allowed to express my theory that Remus was fucking Sirius
Speaking of, I am not allowed to try to catch seamus with a butterfly net.
Seamus is not a leprechaun. Not now, not ever.
Even if he is short enough.
Not allowed to give tours of Flich’s office. Especially, if I have ‘decorated’ it. With whips and chains.
Not allowed to refer to Snape as ‘Princess’.
Or ‘My liege.’
Not allowed to tell firsties that the Giant Squid comes out of the water at night to feast on sleeping children.
There is no spell that can ‘Turn me Emo’, and I should probably stop asking.
Not allowed to dress like old Volders, and walk around scaring firsties.
No matter how funny it is.
Not allowed to play ‘I Hate (Everything about You)’ by Three Days Grace, whenever Harry and Draco get into an arugment.
Dumbledore is not Santa. Not now, not ever.
Not allowed to tell firsties that George is the boogeyman.
Not allowed to run around screaming ‘Troll!’ during an awkward silence.
Not allowed to exorcise the Ghosts.
No one cares if the robes make my ass look big. So I should probably stop asking if it does.
Not allowed to set Lee’s tarantula on Ron.
I am not allowed to steal Harry’s Invisibility Cloak.
Firsties are not up for adoption. And selling them is cruel.
Spanking is not a punishment. Nor should I say it is.
The proper way to address my teachers is ‘Professor’. Not, ‘Your Highness’.
Calling them ‘Daddy’ or ‘Mommy’ is just wrong.
Not allowed to ask Crabbe what he and Draco really do in the Common room
Not allowed to ‘redecorate’ the Gryffindor common room with emerald tapestry.
Not allowed to change the Slytherin house colours to ‘Hunter’s Orange’.
Not allowed to dye my robes, ‘Hunter’s Orange’.
I am not the professor for the class ‘Defense against the Firsties’. (I am so cruel to them, aren’t I?)
The proper uniform is not ‘my birthday suit’.
And I probably shouldn’t tell firsties this either.
Not allowed to send holiday greetings to the school under the name, ‘Voldemort’.
I am not allowed to bring squirrels, ferrets, or any other type of weasel.
Draco is not known as ‘Ferret boy’.
. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
. I will not poke Hufflepuff’s with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class
. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
. "I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name" is not a challenge.
. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch’s office is not appropriote.
. I will not go to class skyclad.
. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
. Staring a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
. I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
1. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.
. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as"bookends".
. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.
. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.
. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
. Tricking the school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Pwned!"
. I am not a sloth Animagus.
. I am not a tribble Aimagus.
. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha.
. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
. I do not have a Dalek Patronus..
. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training".
. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazghul is coincidental.
. I will not change the password to the prefect’s bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty"..
. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be adressed as "Admiral Naismith".
. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" is only funny the first time.
. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard’s Staff Has A Knob On The End".
. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.
. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
. I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy.
. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.
. I will not draw an "H" on Percy Weasley’s forehead.
. My name is not Captain Subtext.
. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".
. I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror".
. I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.
. Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.
. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I
should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the
result would be.
. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "Firewhiskey".
. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not
permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.
. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape’s personal postbox.
. I will stop referring to Hufflepuff’s as "cannon fodder".
. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.
. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.
. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I
will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can be only ONE!".
. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine".
. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.
. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts.
And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
. Albus Dumbledore’s proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".
. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death.
. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.
. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It Does
DEATH!!!" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should
answer.
. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
. I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.
. Ravenclaw’s do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for and indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.
. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.
. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.
. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.
. I will not charm Hermione’s time turner to rotate every half-hour.
. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos".
. When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my
hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for".
. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.
. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus
. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles
. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.
. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.
. I will not yell "Believe it… or not!" after any of Dumbledore’s speeches.
I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.
. I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.
. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".
. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sound with my wand.
. "Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.
. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.
. I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.
. I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry’s lips to get him to do what I want.
. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.
. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriote career choice.
. I shall not throw Professor Snape down on the floor and have my way with him.
. I will not ask Voldemort why Harry Potter got a lightning bolt on his head instead of a flaming skull.
. I will not transfigure Ron Weasly into a levitating snake.
. I will not ask any centar about his/her mating habits.
. I am not allowed to set up a first-year on a blind date with Moaning Mrytle.
. I will not assassinate the current DADA teacher to get it over with.
. I will not pluck feathers from Fawks.
. I shall not give Professor Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.
. I shall not refer to Malfoy as a cuddle-monkey
. I shall not aim an angry dragon at the Whomping Widdow and take bets on which comes out the victor.