This week I've had my head deep in Led Zeppelin and the relaxing, classicly adventurous lyrics... The quiet beat of their work makes me feel like I'm lying in a field of flowers with a lover... But it also transports me back occasionally to my last great love... I was 17 and almost an adult, except for the influence of my tantrum-prone alcoholic father and my depreciating mother whose conservatism is a dis-service to her own deep sexuality, marks of which I see immistakably in my own life...

Most of you know of my last serious boyfriend who still makes his home in Texas, and whose mother I still speak to as if it were my own... But back when we were lovers, things were much different... Many times I would come to his house just before dinner, and we would dine with his parents... Then we would away to his bedroom, and I'd be so desperate to make love, I could've thrown off my clothes and a few well places kisses would be all it would take... But we would turn off the lights and put on some lava lamps and turn on the Zeppelin... Then we would sex surrounded by candles on a blanket thrown on his floor, and make love slowly, wildly, my hands urging him in many directions by fingernails pushed into his back... Small gasps would grow into desperate moans, lips brushing his ear as we held each other closer with each slippery motion... And then I would cum... And again... And again... And somewhere before I'd finished that last orgasm, the music would end, and it wouldn't matter...

Then in the light glow of candles and lava lamps, we would hold each other, and I would feel the warm glow of being hopelessly in love... I was so devoted to that , I would have almost done anything... I thought about having his children maybe, I thought about holding him every night... But I didn't say a word, drifted off to sleep feeling his heart pulsing with life, and I felt safer than I had ever felt, anywhere...

And even when I wasn't with him, I was glowing with love... I walked knowing that I could bring him to his knees or we could settle on the couch and watch a movie with the same energy... I felt so incredibly beautiful, I sensed every little detail, knowing it could be a tool for pleasure...

Just after I turned 18, I felt his distance, and I confronted him about it... I cursed him over the phone and he tearily admitted he had cheated on me... Thus began a period of time whose length I cannot quantify... I stopped eating any portion of food... I could do nothing but cry in the most embarassing of places, and I became so jaded to the ache that preceeded weeping as I drove past the freeway exit to his house and kept on going... I dreaded sleep because I knew I would not have the warmth and soft jostling of his life next to me ever again, I had only a lonely cold bed, and nothing could console me as I sobbed quietly to sleep...

I didn't want to be seen by anyone for a year and a half... But since I hadn't eaten much for at least 3 months, I had lost a good deal of weight... Men couldn't couldn't keep their opinions to themselves, with whistling and honking and comments... I pushed myself deeper into a cave...

It took me until moving to Las Vegas to emerge... I kept myself in a coma, not seeing or believeing the potential of anything with anyone... But since I've done it once before, I'm slowly waking to life, and I'm much more independent... I no longer have to hide myself from anyone who tries to lord my life... I'm much more confident, because I see how tough I have been to get here, and how soft I can still be; forgiving, luciously curvy, and just generally beautiful...

Very soon . . . I shall come into my own... Again...

It's been ages since I've blogged... You'll notice I'm rarely on? I'm busy!

Let's take it back -- way back:

X-mas I spent at Chun & Co's hacienda up north of town... It was 2 days of food action, relaxation, and video games... Perfection...

New Years was quiet and fantastic... I had lots of housework planned, I remember doing none of it... 3 days of spoiled weekend boredom...

OH, and the Friday before New Years, something happened that still ha me, "HUHH??"ing... I received a strange phone call at work -- no, it wasn't like that... The caller Id said, no joke: "."... Srsly... The guy on the phone I'm guessing is 60-65; he said he was coming to a show we go to and wanted more info... Two hours later, we had talked about market strategy, relationships, gifts, his kids, and books... He was highly intelligent, but not a good listener, likes talking... He was obviously skilled in business... He recommended two books about people that masquerade as books on marriage. At some point, my voice was starting to give out, my boss signaled to end it, and as I said I had to take another call, I heard a dial tone... We had been disconnected... Or he hung up... I don't know... He didn't call back... Up until that moment, I bought it... I've been reading the books he recommended; they're fantastically spot on... It's so weird, I still think about that call, like, "Was that REAL?"... I don't even know his name, though he knows my first name... What is this? I've asked the wise in my life, and no one has answers...

Happenings as of late:

I've been taking a break from The Naked Nerd, Vetu, and my thesis... I'm back working on the thesis, but things are coming slowly... Chapitre 2 of 8 is pretty pensive writing... Blame Chun for having a book I need to reference in Chapitre 2... I'm only posting thesis work upon completion unless I value your talent for writing critique...

I BOUGHT A NEW BED... Got a fucking DEAL on it... I went to a retail matress place and fell in LOVE with a matress, but at $1200 was a bit more than I was willing to pay... So a friend of mine took me to an outlet place on my lunch hour on Wednesday... He had mentioned to the sales lady what brand of matress I had fallen in love with... She got on the phone to the VP of the company (the outlet and the retail store are owned by the same company) and asked what they had avilable... Turns out a retail outlet was going out of business and their floor model was for sale for $700... I bought it in a heartbeat, and my friend went to go pick it up; only they gave him a BRAND NEW ONE... Now, all I have to do it pay for the delivery in cooking... :)

This weekend: a friend of mine from Sou Cal is coming... There will be steak... That's all I know... MORE LATER, BETCHES...

Weekend before last, I called up the "bf" du jour and asked his plans. Then I hung up. And haven't really spoken to him since. In frustration, I contemplated a trip to Sou Cal... The next morning, I was sans regret about not going, my "bosses" called me to attend a "company" BBQ at their house... And let me tell you, that party was the most fun I've had in a long time... Remind me to get out more often...

Fast forward to last weekend... My friend, Jake, was supposed to come for the weekend with his parents, but then his parents cancelled... Then his radiator started leaking... So he didn't come... Thus, I took photos, they are up on the site, on Saturday... (SHAMELESS PLUG: GO LOOK, YOU WHORES...) Sunday I ran off to run errands, and it hit me: it's Fall... Memories of Sage Francis, and shooting photos at the missions in San Antonio, baths of golden light and pools of cool shadows, a low angle in the sky and the air crisp with anticipation... It stirs a longing for something I can't put my finger on, perhaps because I don't want to think about it... But it's what I deserve...

Fall has woken something in me, a certain splendor... There's a hint of my old quiet teaching self, with a mild flourish of knowledge that seeks conversation, with partners in the unlikeliest of places, with people who are somehow familiar... I'm the girl with the intelligent dress and a dirty mouth... There's a fantastical mystery to her past, but she does not tell... If only she would open like a flower beyond frankness...

I know I censor myself here, for fear of being found unless I ask to be... Being found by people I have left in my wake is a dread... I apologize that I'm not as specific as I could be... I don't take joy in being cryptic, most of the time... However, that's the least of my issues with this blog... "Nobody" reads it...