[A is for age:] 13 at heart (21)

[B is for booze of choice:] hmm.. I like MT. Dew (no booze for me thanx)

[C is for career:] Uhh.. Something that makes me content (like owning my own business)

[D is for your dad's name:] Chuck

[E is for essential items to bring to a party:] My ChapStick… and a Karaoke CD

[F is for favorite song at the moment:] I caught Fire by the USED

[G is for favorite game:] Dance Dance Revolution… there’s notta better

[H is for hometown:] Chesapeake, VA

[I is for instruments you play:] Viola..well haven’t picked that up in a while, and my bass guitar.

[J is for jam or jelly you like:] Apple Butter… I think that’s Jam.. or Jelly.. ???

[K is for kids?] I want to have 3 and adopt the 4^th… Pray for my future Husband (lol)

[L is for last kiss:] Joshua…. I think that was You, Right? Just kidding it was you..lol..

[M is for mom's name:] Kimberly

[N is for name of your crush ] well yea if I tell you my crush then my boyfriend would get mad…. ( the secret is he is my crush….)

[O is for overnight hospital stays] none… yet…

[P is for phobias:] lonely, the unknown, not experiencing Love to the fullest

[Q is for quotes you like:] “all that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream” thanks Poe

[R is for relationship that meant the most] my Grandpa, My Sissy and My Papa Bear… (inside joke sorry I hate it when people do that to me but I had to)

[S is for snacks you like:] gummy bears… ice-cream.. anything that adds pounds!

[T is for time you wake up:] 7:00 am weekdays and 1:00pm weekends (except Sunday cuz its church day)

[U is for underwear:] What are those… just kidden… the brighter the better!

[V is for vegetable you love:] Corn!

[W is for weekend plans:] play DDR Friday and be with my baby the rest of the time

[X is for x-rays you've had:] maybe 2 or 3 times…. I had them on my teeth..lol..

[Y is for yummy food you make:] I like making cheesecake, anything sweet

[Z is for zodiac sign:] I am the year of the RAT… just like my love Yuki <3  (Chinese Zodiac)

ok so I am going to Missouri for new years to meet Josh's mom, and I have to Fly. My dilemma is that I have never been on a plane before and im quite scarred and it sux because I have to fly by myself. Josh will already be there and I am flying on my own. I guess its not that big of a deal but it is scary to think about. Also I'm nervous and anxious to meet his mom, I have talked to her and she seems like the sweetest women on earth, but first impressions are the ones that stick and I don't want to screw it up because he doesn't get to see her that often. I guess I don't want to mess this relationship up, because our families are important to us and that’s what counts! Ok so im totally off subject now but that’s cool, only awesome people like you read my blogs! LOL. If life got any more monotonous than this I'd go join the circus! So yea... if you want to, say a lil prayer for me to help me cope, and if you need me to pray for you too, then too bad....just kidding! Give me a holla and I'll be glad to pray for you as long as you want me too...

Man do I have issues. Does anyone else always feel insecure about everything? I wish I could find out how to stop feeling this way and start being "proud to be me", but its hard. I don't want to be center of attention, but I do want to feel like i have worth. Does anyone know how to really be proud not boastful? I'm always trying to get approval from everyone, when it should be that I get approval from myself. Gosh this is getting mighty confusing. Even when other people tell me that im a good person, or that im beautiful, smart, kindhearted, funny etc. I still feel like that’s only the half truth. They mean it when they say it, and I know that, but I don't feel that way about myself, that sucks you know? How can I make it any different, I don't know how? I don't want everyone to try to boost my confidence, and its hard for me to take a compliment sometimes. It’s weird and confusing and a big mess, which makes it eat at me day in and out, and then I take it out on the ones I love.  I have a complex (lol) I guess. Time alone doesn't help either; at least I have GOD to be with me when ever I need him and then some. Sometimes that’s the only thing that keeps me looking up and seeking him makes me stronger.  He is the almighty healer and I know if he can heal bodies and hearts, then he can heal my mind! It's just the process of getting myself where he wants me to be, that’s what makes it hard! I wish I could just take a pill for self-esteem. I've had too many losses, and holes that need healing, but mentally im a wreck sometimes... I hate the fact that I lean on my B/F to make me happy, that’s not his job and im sorry babe for making it that. Im a giver but I never think I deserve anything in return...really... I pray every night and thank GOD for all the blessings he's giving me, and im grateful, but I don't know why I still feel useless and have no confidence in my self and relationships I have with everyone. Well thanks for reading my brain...if you have any advice or anything to say, feel free to comment this it won't put me any lower...lol...

PICTURES

Verse1~

A glimpse into another world

another life exposed under the skin

I stare at the picture of who i used to be

my life a distant star from then

I pick another up to share

faces of those who remember me

living memorries in this time sucking life

sharing moments never return to be

Chorus*

They Say

A pictures worth 1000 words

and all i see is 1000 words to say

grasp the time and hold on

it slips threw the crack and then its gone

They Say

1000 words

Verse 2~

I step back and focus on these

I see the mass of colors and fame

The world seems to push it behind them

and cover the portraits with shame

It takes a second to snap it

a quick flash and memmory to be

Realizing that our lives are a glimps

of what my future holds for me

Chorus*

They Say

A pictures worth 1000 words

and all i see is 1000 words to say

grasp the time and hold on

it slips threw the crack and then its gone

They Say

1000 words

I don't know if im the only one who feels this way, but doesn't life kinda feel like a vicious circle of work and sleep... sleep and work...and when you have time you run 75mph..it sux! Everything is always rushed and you never have time to stop and smell the roses. well you know what Im going to make that time if it kills me. Some things are moving to fast for me but i can't say i don't like it, I just know its not what God would want and I need to listen and stop getting "caught up in the moment" It doesn't mean I don't want that relationship it just means im rushing it..well we both are rushing it..lol..its realy good, and really bad at the same time..if anyone has some advice, feel free to drop it! thanks I love all you guyz!

what kind of luck do I have.... lol, I just typed a poem for about 30 min. and then the site went down and I lost all of it..ahhhh... im going to try and type it over again..lol.here it goes..

When you dream... do you think of me?

When you sleep at night do you hold me close?

Does my sent remind you of places or do places remind you of me?

Do you look at the sun, or the sky and ponder about me?

When you see me...does your Heart skip a beat, or does it just stop all together?

Do you wonder what im doing or do you wonder what plans I have for you?

Can I hold you; and you tell me how you feel, or do you hold back?

Can you look me in the eyes and melt, or can you melt before you even look there?

Because even if you're not dreaming of me, I am of you

And even if you don't hold me, I hold you tight... in my mind.

If you are never reminded of me, I am always reminded of you.

I always ponder about you...always.

I don't even have my heart anymore...you have all of it.

I know the plans I have for you, and hope you have some for me too.

I don't want to hold back, but  I do... alot...

I melt just thinking about looking you in the eyes.

All I can say is that GOD is always pushing me in the right direction, and if this is so wrong, then why does it feel so right???

ok so im done now...maybe thats even better then the first one..lol...thanks for taking the time to read it.