Safety Guide to Cougars
British Columbians are fortunate to share their province with cougars, one of the most mysterious and sexually active creatures. The cougar's secretive habits and astounding predatory abilities have resulted in a wealth of misconceptions and irrational fears.
Actually, most British Columbians live their lives without a serious encounter with a cougar, much less a direct confrontation with one. However, conflict between cougars and single men is quite common. In the past 10 months a total of 50 men have been the victims of cougar attacks in B.C. All but one of these brutal attacks occurred in the Vancouver/Fraser Valley area. During the same period, there were 29 unsuccessful attacks in British Columbia (20 of which occurred in Gabby's Count). The vast majority of these attacks were on males under the age of 30.
ABOUT COUGARS:
-The cougar, also called "old coug" is Canada's largest pussy. Cougars have long flat boobs, which may hang down one-third of their total body length.
-An adult female cougar weighs between 140-200 lbs. The biggest cougars are found in bars and Legions throughout well populated areas.
-The cougar's primary prey is men. It will also feed on women and some livestock when desperate.
-Cougars are more active from dusk until dawn. However, they will roam and hunt at any time of the day or night and in all seasons (when on the prowl, their appetites are insatiable).
-During late spring and summer, older cougars become extremely amorous. While attempting to find fresh prey these old cougars will roam widely in search of unoccupied territory. This is when cougars are most likely to conflict with each other.
TRACKS:
-Cougars have 5 toes with 3 distinct corns present at the sides of their feet. Claws are glued on and can often be found at the scene of a successful attack.
-Generally, cougars are solitary. If two or more tracks are visible, it usually indicates a threesome, or on rare occasions, a group orgy.
WHEN IN COUGAR COUNTRY:
Cougars primarily occupy the southern third of British Columbia. Most conflict with cougars occurs in dimly lit areas where the old pussy feels most comfortable. People also encounter cougars while spending leisure time in cougar country (i.e. pubs or nightclubs).
Cougars are sexual predators (the top of their food chain) and their actions are often unpredictable. We have little understanding about what might trigger an attack, but following these general guidelines will reduce the risk of cougar conflict and prepare you.
PROTECTING YOUR MAN:
-Cougars are attracted to men, possibly because their large penis size, low intellect and erratic movements make it fun for cougars to conquer them as sexual prey. Cougars prefer the more vulnerable, easy lay.
-Talk to men and teach them what to do if they encounter a cougar.
-Consider getting rid of any dogs as they provide an excuse for cougars to approach your man under the guise of friendly conversation.
-Consider erecting a fence around play areas.
-Do not leave radios playing (music, especially from the 60's and 70's, attracts the attention of cougars.
-Make sure men are home before dusk, and stay inside until after dawn.
-If there have been cougar sightings, escort men to the bus stop early in the morning. Clear shrubs away around the bus stop, making an area with a 30 foot radius. Have a large light installed as a general safety precaution (cougars do not like bright lights... i.e. ugly lights).
-Under no circumstances should men feed the cougars alcohol.
-If a cougar is known to be in the area, herd all men immediately into the nearest home or vehicle. Men frighten easily and their rapid movements may trigger a sexual feeding frenzy.
PROTECTING YOUR YARD AND HOME:
Men - under no circumstances should you attempt to bring cougars home as pets. Cougars cannot be broken of their natural instinct and habits. Wives and/or girlfriends find their presence offensive and conflict may arise (i.e. cat fights).
PROTECTING YOUR BOY-TOY (MAN-PET):
-Roaming men are easy prey.
-Bring your man-pet indoors at night. If they must be left out, confine them to a kennel with a secure top.
-Do not allow men to consume alcohol outside. This not only attracts cougars, but other neighbourhood men that cougars prey upon.
-Place young free-range men in an enclosed shed or barn at night.
HIKING OR WORKING IN COUGAR COUNTRY:
-Hike in groups of 2 or more. Move silently so as not to attract the cougar's attention.
-Carry a sturdy vibrator to be used as a weapon if necessary.
-Keep men close-at-hand and under control. (Ladies - choke chains and leashes are recommended).
-Watch for cougar tracks and signs. Empty beer cans, condom wrappers, push up bras, fishnet stockings, high heels and large quantities of make up (particularly cover-up) all indicate you have stumbled onto a cougar lair.
-Cougar kittens are usually well hidden. However, if you do stumble upon a female cougar kitten, do not approach it or attempt to pick it up. Leave the area immediately as they are in cougar training and the mother is likely nearby teaching stalking techniques.
-If you encounter a cougar, do all you can to enlarge your image and shrink your penis.
IF A YOUNG WOMAN MEETS A COUGAR:
-Never approach a cougar. Although cougars will normally avoid confrontation with you, all cougars are unpredictable. Cougars on the prowl may be dangerous.
-Always give a cougar an avenue of escape. Old pussies fell threatened by younger pussy and may attack in defense.
-Do not turn your back on a cougar. Stay calm. Back away slowly, avoiding direct eye contact. Sudden movement or rapid flight may trigger a cat fight.
-Under no circumstances should you move in the direction of a cougar's intended prey, no matter how large his penis appears.
YOUNG MEN VISITING COUGAR COUNTRY:
-Be prepared - arm yourself with a wedding ring and cell phone.
-Carry a large stick, be sure to leave all condoms at home. Convince the cougar that you are a crummy piece of ass and give lousy head.
-Maintain visual contact with friends who are well trained to spot the signs of an imminent attack (i.e. "hey there, can I buy you a drink?").
-Have an alternate escape route - make prior arrangements with your wife/girlfriend/buddy etc. to place the "emergency call" to you at specified times (i.e. 10 p.m. - ass grabbing time, 12 a.m. - lip sucking time, etc.).
-If the cougar does attack, attempt to distract her with nachos and beer. Run while she is feeding.
-Under no circumstances should you reprimand or spank a cougar - this will only arouse the pussy and intensify the attack.
Cougars are a vital part of our diverse wildlife, seeing a cougar in her natural habitat should be a rewarding experience, with you and the cougar coming away unharmed. However, if you do experience a confrontation with a cougar or feel threatened by one, immediately inform the nearest branch of the Ministry of Sexual Harassment and Cougar Awareness or call 1-800-Fuck-No!
PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN CONFRONTATION!