I woke up this morning to discover that the unthinkable had happened. Despite his fondness for endangering his own life, I really believed that the man was indestructable and I'm utterly gutted that he's not so instead of my usual bile-spewing rant, I thought I'd take a moment and just say how utterly fantastic Steve Irwin was. A man who wrestled crocodiles with more panache (and less knife) than Paul Hogan, could definitely hold his own against Tom Selleck in a khaki hotpant-wearing contest and wasn't afraid to push extremely dangerous animals just that little bit too far...

His sheer joy at the amazingness of all things interesting and deadly was infectious and he genuinely loved life in a way that very few people do. Yes he was over the top and I'd like to think that there was more to him than that overexcited, hyperactive 2-year-old persona but ultimately he definitely made the world a brighter and better place to be.
I'll be having many cold ones in his honour. Crikey!

Sadly there is no "Iconoclasm" category. Once upon a time the world was a simpler place. We could see the bad people because they were hiding behind a big wall in Berlin, but one man (according to my favourite year 7 pupil ever) was big enough and hairy enough to hoff and puff (see what i did there?) until the wall came down. He was a man looking for freedom. He was David Hasselhoff. Funnily enough he did have enough cultural clout in Germany to bring about the end of Communism, owing to their disproportionate love of this bouffant, middle-of-the-road, leather-clad wannabe-Springsteen. You don't believe me? Rifle through the tape collection of any German between the ages of 20 and 30 and you'll find at least a copy of "Du", Dave's German-la language ballad to end all ballads.

So far, so praiseworthy, but sadly Herr David has become bloated, gorging on the love of an uncaring and ultimately ironic 21st century internet fad. He has jumped the shark, the couch and (probably) your mum. He's a great big fat leather-wearing , alcoholic wife-beating yes that's wife-beating tosser who has started to believe the hype and seems to think he's some kind of minor deity. His tongue (unlike countless others) isn't in his cheek, it's dangling out of his mouth attempting to lick up the glass of tesco value vodka he's just spilt on the carpet.

Dude, sort yourself out and stop whoring yourself to the internet. They don't love you and the second anyone actually braves your musical back-catalogue the bubble will burst and only Germany will remain to give you the adulation you so desperately crave.

And to all you kids out there: be safe, stay in school and just say no to David Hasselhoff.

The world is filled with a multitude of wrong. There are so many different kinds of wrong it would take eternity to list them. These wrongs can all be summarised into two words. Keira. Knightley. And yet people claim to like her. Why do they like her? She has clearly been beaten around the head with the ugly frying-pan, she looks constantly constipated and she is, to be blunt, the most annoying, god-awful moon-faced wench ever to be placed on God's green earth to torment poor mortals.

This may sound like the bitter rantings of an impoverished 24 year-old but as evidence for the prosecution I would like to mention two films. Love Actually and Pride and Prejudice. In the former she caused Andrew Lincoln to debase himself in a manner so disgusting that even Lib Dem cabinet hopefuls would find it a bit beyond the pale and in the latter, she (metaphorically of course) ripped the heads off Jane Austen, Andrew Davies, Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle and crapped down their gaping neck-wounds. It would be unfair to mention Pirates of the Caribbean, as anyone appearing near the one-man talent black hole that is Orlando Bloom cannot be judged.

Everyone go and watch the real Pride and Prejudice or just stick your fingers in your ears, sing loudly and hope she turns out to be some kind of collective bad dream.

if (as i'm sure you do) wish to check out the genesis of the soap bus, you can find it here. thank god hollyoaks took the hint and got rid of the snaggletoothed demon zara, although disappointingly i don't think she died in flames.

in the interests of gender equality, the next passenger on the bus is tony bloody hutchinson, hollyoaks' very own little hitler/jobsworth. i think the scriptwriters must assume that he's great in a love to hate him sort of way, unfortunately he is one of the few people in the world (i know he's not a real person) who hating brings me no pleasure at all. he's just rubbish and really really aggravating as well as being the only person in the world to make curtains (arguably the best and most attractive hairstyle of the 90s) really ugly, shit and somehow smug. ugh. he deserves to spend his last tortured hours on the bus desperately trying to escape from cilla(corrie)'s clutches....

next time you watch neighbours, rather than damaging your teeth by grinding them in impotent fury at the sight of janelle timmins' hag-ridden features and eardrum-piercing whine, imagine that she's going over a cliff in a burning bus. you can put anyone in there (pauline fowler?, maaarrtin fowler?, les and cilla?, stingray?).
it's a bit like a balloon debate, but with more death. there's also an infinitely large trailer attached to the back for anyone else deserving of a flame-grilling. (michael winner?)
it's something to occupy your mind when you really should be preparing differentiated resources for every single child in your class, in line with national curriculum guidelines. 

 
Technically not a soap character but she is on the bus because:
She is ditzy, annoying, anorexic and faux-clumsy.
Two minutes of her company would drive me (and pretty much everyone else I know) to the point of screaming, drooling, round-the-bend-and-halfway-up-the-next-bloody-street insanity, yet somehow the meatheaded men she meets always end up falling for her bizarre mix of extreme insecurity, hideous little girl voice and "goofiness".
All we can hope for is that they're biding their time until the day comes to bludgeon her to death with a great big fish. or kidnap her and put her on the bus.