After graduating I had planned a time of reflection, a time to figure a path ahead. Plans are crap! Just live life by the seat of your bum, trust me it's better:)

Whisked to the Atlantic coast, stripped to bikinis, filled with Brouilly, my love of sun and sea, shoots and hoots swept logical thoughts out with the tide and for a moment I floated. Never though forget that to some extent we are prey and while floating we may be preyed upon. So it was. Maybe though I have learnt that to parry and not to run, can be the best form of defence:) No to his offers but yes under my terms, my money, my meal on him. Some people are essentially evil, those that did those things to me were. Perhaps though, to paint all people noir when then are in reality a plethora of colours, is to over simplify and dull the world to a dead end of progression. So risks were taken, wine was bought and he talked, he talked until he cried about his past and his present. They say money talks, it can, it can but with just a whisper in return, the world can be shaken. If you are reading this, thank you so much for your eventual kindness and humanity:)

The world CAN be shaken by a whisper- Slovo..

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Spending days and nights now in Paris, the city of my soul..........

Listening

to

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on the metro while going for castings and shoots, eyes closed, smiling, singing, swinging round the train's shiny pole oblivious to Parisian stares and dares to wake me from my subterranean kiss of bliss. I should sit quietly not looking, holding my portfolio and bag close to me like a barrier to bar me from appearing human, but then I have never been one for model behaviour. Life is too rich to tuck away behind still frames, life is a movement, a flowing dance in trance, in time.

The metro I love as means to move around Paris, the wide platforms, the beautiful stations, the busy buzz of the door klaxon, the endless carriage view on the Ligne 1 seeing the distant twisting turning snake of the train. The metro as a place for a shoot? It takes on a different aura...

Dark twisting tunnels, bright cramped carriages, so bright they see me clear through the heat of their bodies, straining and pushing to look, to crowd the already crowded, sweat soaked stares spearing parts of my body like mental target practice for their darker thoughts, as with each jolting station stop, people wide eyed peer in as I am brought trapped before them on display and they rush crush for the door, their noses pressed against the glass and more enter, more stare, more hands stretch out their phones to peek, to pic and I feel being shot not by the lens but by their looks, peppered by their passions, locked by their lust, trapped in testosterone tension so taught that eyes flicker in professional worry, form fences around me while I press my back to the metal of the carriage so hard it hurts and I feel the panic of old, frantic fear forcing my legs to fade under me and curl in the corner stopping the shoot, dead. Fears fade the fastest though when faced. I learnt that some years ago and to cower and hide ones eyes, to avoid at all costs that which haunts us, is to live without freedom, to ensnare oneself in ones own chains. I started again shaking with shivers rivers of adrenalin. I stared them in the face and they stared now at just my face:) I smiled, they smiled, I laughed, they laughed, the lenses laughed. I think a demon died today on the Metro. Did another rise?

Pushing

Past Extremes

No time to wallow, no time to fester thoughts that could wind a web around ones world and so they pushed me piece by piece, they thought to the limit at the event. There are in most situations limits that we operate by. Perhaps in life there are limits. Perhaps I am blind though that I can never see them, I don't want to see them, I abhor limits for freedom burns so bright in my soul it lights the darkest of dungeons. So I went to their limit, then walked out past it to shocks and stares and stood there proud and laughing and they saw a new aspect to this girl that seemed to inspire something wonderful and totally unexpected. Next day I hear that my actions may bizarrely make a difference to many children. Life never ceases to amaze me and that is maybe why I love it:) Push past limits and barriers.

There are times in life where so much happens in such a short space of time that one is left reeling, feeling as if nothing more could happen now. Beware of that moment. Still dealing with the fallout from the event, someone very close to me did nothing to calm me...

Waiting

for a hour in a hotel suite, staring at notepads and pens, instructions on the pay internet, looking at every trivial detail to force my mind from thinking, gentle goosebumps still forming as time ticks silently on the TV clock then shuddering shivers as 57..58..59 appears and still I cannot get my clothes that have been locked away, then you are here and my wide eyes stare, my hands stupidly cover me then I crumble into you and I feel myself being taken slowly across the floor, blindfolded now, to an open window, you hands soft slippery on me as the oil you drenched me in drips drops off my shaking steps then I feel the heat of the sun on my body and I feel as if I am on fire, scared who might see, but only for a moment as you lay me down, pillow under my hips and start on me, deep, deep in Paris.

Lying

in beautiful Paris parks, where romance blossoms with carefree ease and abandon

Walking

away from the tangled tourists in St Michel down roads lined with memories and into St Germain des-Pres and eat not just food but your fingers, nibbled till you giggle, candles parted for table kisses, bare toes tingling as you hold my hand and touch my lips with your beauty. This part of Paris, Odeon, Saint Germain, Saint-Sulpice, is one of my hideaways and I feel a presence here. Why is it in some places in the world I feel as if I am coming home. The end of the pier at Santa Monica does this to me, Fisherman's wharf, Covent Garden, Duomo Piazza, Central Park, the Yorkshire Moors, Sydney Harbour, Copley Square, Ithaca town, and so many more, are home.

I have found another home this year, the Place Vendome.

Sitting

on the wall of the entrance to the underground car park - the Place Vendome, looking at all the wealth and beauty that is around there but listening loud and with wine thick as blood in my veins, to The Editors "Smokers Outside Hospital Doors", tears gushing out of me in public as I look around externally but remember very internally where I have come from, the pain, the white walls and coats matching the colour of my family's faces. The contrast is almost frightening. I hope Jessica Stein sits here one day and listens to this track and cries also. We can never know what is around our next corner, all we can do is to embrace the present for that is where we live.

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Playing

air sax to Hazel O'Conner "Will You" standing up in an open top screaming down the Quai des Tuileries looking like a twat as keep losing my balance and my sense of decorum. I am a dork, I will never fit in and I hope I never do:) Search out this track, listen to it, drink, see the city night lights, see a face across a bar and play air sax like there is no tomorrow:)

Spinning

in lights and drink by the Eiffel as millions celebrate Bastille day and life is crazy.

< O:P>

and let children see it all too with your hand and love, don't tuck them away from the night every night, for they will grow to be better for it.

Wishing

I had spent more of my teenage years here, France where no ra-ra skirts, no white socks, no silly overdressing occurs, where they develop simple good dress style and confidence from an early age.

Laughing

at the thought of a UK mainline train station having a food place to eat like this one in Paris:) Walk your model walk down the long dark red carpet here and turn the diners heads..

Seeing

this most days and tummy turning tingles reminding me that I am just some small fragile girl in a big beautiful world.

Erica, I hope you see this too.

Modelling

has challenged me this past week, love has overwhelmed me this past week, my senses have be stretched then pulled a million times more. A refuge here with Alicia, in this house of a photographer, one who has seen many images, many faces, many bodies pass through his lens and heart and as in some old French film, in a barn in the countryside, where the old wise painter paints the 16yr old girl naked, his muse, so too this week, I feel a muse to his art, to his care, to his love of life. I am not a Bobo here in Paris I am a Boho and always will be. My teenage authors were Kerouac and Sartre (thanks dad!), my singer, Joni. Clubs and banging music, Cocktails and Champagne, even Pastis, fast cars and no sleep, I can do, I can do them well:) I also love though lying here on the old sofa with my laptop almost burning my bare tummy while he sits silently trying again to beat Ali at chess and the kettle bubbles for a pot of tea.

Don't

come to Paris if you wear short frilly multicolored skirts and make silly faces to pocket cameras before puking in the gutter. Don't come to Paris if you are not willing to embrace the most beautiful language in the world. Don't come to Paris if you do not know what art is, what culture is, what being lost in time in galleries is, what long discussions over wine in intimate bars and restaurants are all about. Don't come to Paris if you mistakenly think NYC is the centre of fashion. Don't come to Paris if you feel you always have to wear a bra. Don't come to Paris if you are not willing to learn about its amazing past. Don't come to Paris if you like neon lights and fake people. Don't come to Paris if you have never mixed with many races and cultures. Don't come to Paris if you can't walk, even on the metro one walks miles! Don't come to Paris if you cant make love on a hard floor under open skies in the afternoon with empty champagne bottles glistening in the sun. Don't come to Paris if you like censorship and PC madness. Don't come to Paris if you are afraid to be challenged as a model, as a person, as a soul. Don't come to Paris if you cant laugh at yourself and the world:)

Paris.......

This photograph evokes Paris in me far more than any pic of the Seine or the Eiffel. If you doesn't for you---don't come to Paris:)

Paris, is though ALSO about some very bad housing and chronic social exclusion, about pent up frustrations and poverty. It is a tale of two cities. If you have only ever been in Arrondissements with a number less than 10, you may think you know Paris, but you don't. Today I went to see where some of the money that was raised by the event I was in, will be going. It brings home many aspects of life, money, who will give for what and why. I could fill 8 blogs with my thoughts......

If you walk one day through the Place Vendome, enjoy it as much as I do, but never forget that it is just one part of life, keep perspective and balance or you will lose what is most precious, open eyes and an open heart.

I have many choices to make, my next moves. I have many dilemmas.....I am restless....

Kimmy

xxx

I hope I have done it:) !  No, not broken my record for alcohol consumption, nor for the longest most bizarre boring blog, (although I know I have tested the patience of many a reader haa), nor for acoustics during moments of passion, no none of these:) -only placed some small stone in life's large wall.

Some years ago, on that day that the screams of pain and hopelessness came from my depths and I saw my life in blue and red streaks searing out of my body, I never thought that I would see or feel another sensation. Never to have that chance to say the words I felt exploding in me,  the chance to live properly, the chance to take a chance.  It's only maybe when you are about to cease to exist that a second chance is pleaded for through tear soaked skin.  If anyone ever is given a second shot at this life, don't waste it, don't blow it. I have tried in the past few years to live by this ethos.

Amongst many other small stones in life I have picked up and tried to juggle with, I hope that I have now obtained a degree. So what, ppl might say. It is indeed a small stone  in the overall wall of life but the fact that I have done it despite hurdles, travelling, modelling, far too much drinking and being so almost desperately involved with other issues, makes me feel chipperJ  So too should anyone else who has just graduated. It has been a wonderful journey.  Now though like many others, I have decisions to make and change to look straight in its unswerving eye.

Change, such an important subject. We either love it or hate it or deny its presence. The less self assured one is, the less optimistic one is, then the greater the fear of change. Yet change is one thing that we can be sure will happen. If there was no change in the world, in life, it would cease to exist as life. Change will always happen. Time's arrow of increasing entropy lies before us stark and inescapable and all actions we take are but temporary attempts at local order. Some change will crush us to our knees in searing stabbing pain and deep dark despair, some will have us sobbing with ecstasy in pure perfect pleasure. The standard psycho babble talks much about change and the denial-anger-acceptance cycle. I am not sure I buy into that but I do know that I have learnt not to be afraid of change but to embrace it. If in a comfort zone, whether it be a protective one when one is feeling low and vulnerable, or a happy contented one where life seems peachy, then we fear change. I see many people trapped in a relationship or an occupation where they are not happy but it is a cosy, if a crappy comfort zone, and the thought of stepping out, fills them with trepidation.  It is only when completely out of a comfort zone and one is screaming in mental or physical pain, then one pleads for change. I remember pleading, screaming, for change, for a chance.

So I have come to accept change is a part of life.  The trick maybe is how we deal with it. I am learning slowly, many times the hard way. I have no awesome answers, no hippy tricky magic to mould life my way. The initial reaction is the normal one, to immediately think how the change will make the current situation worse. All of the cons come flooding out. I try and look at change the other way, what might it bring that might be good. If we let the fear of change get to us, we will retreat from the world until we are in a small cupboard, safe from external change but, denying the purpose of our very existence.

I have some fundamental decisions to make and there is no one path that will fulfil all of my and other's desires: there rarely is in this life I think!  Life is not black and white, it is a complex texture of infinite shades and colours. I can see myself taking a few wrong paths and getting lost and re-tracing my steps bloodied with thorns;  that is just life!  I think I know though where I am trying to go, I have found a compass in my soul that subtly, softly swings but mainly stays true in one life direction. I will follow it even though it takes me through swamps and over cliffs. So if you see a mud plastered crazy girl flying through air to land with a kerumph on her arse, that will be meJ

The next days are going to be a blur of going absolutely f*** wild and revelling in the absence of deadlines and simply lying in the sun, drinking, dancing and doing what I love the most, being in love and making love.  After that it is abroad for a while for a shoot then some time with basics, the sun, the wind and the ocean. I feel hurry home tears on my cheeks. 

Through these next weeks and months though, my thoughts and some of my actions will be with those that can't run wild along the shore today, some who like me some time ago, are trapped in physical or mental chains. I hope other's thoughts and actions too, will be with there also. 

A variation of a bulletin I posted a week ago.

Footprints In The Sands of Time

A milestone passed. Although hard these past weeks, it has made me realise that I love academia as much as travelling and modelling. Each opens my heart and soul to the richness of being alive. Academia is for some a stepping stone, or maybe a hurdle that has to be jumped; for me it is a wondrous exploration of human knowledge and thought. Travelling is for some a tick in the box of cities and rush to the clubs; for me it is a wondrous exploration of the natural world and all of its peoples, rich and poor. Modelling is for some a "me-me-me" endeavour, but for me is a wondrous exploration of art and sensuality.

There is no one aspect of life that can be alone fulfilling, except to the shallow.

This world, this life is about diversity and content richness.

It is about never ending discovery and thought.

It is about climbing trees and jumping in puddles

It is about realising how little we know

It is about hope and faith

It is about believing in oneself and upholding the uniqueness of the individual.

It is about giving more than one takes.

It about deeply caring for people and this planet.

It is about working hard and playing even harder:)

To be bored in life is to blind to life.

To hold the hot coals of anger or guilt will leave you burnt and scarred.

To strive to be someone else is to kill yourself.

To never have tried Marmite mixed in with Guinness and Vodka is to have never lived and felt sick

It is about never for one moment taking for granted health and people around you, both can go in an instant.

I caught a glimpse of a programme soon to be shown called "The Human Footprint" It purports to be about what the "average" person leaves behind as they live their life. Perhaps it will be about the physical legacy one leaves. I will not be able to see the programme but the synopsis stirred some synapses into similar thoughts but not just exclusively around the physical domain but also the emotional.

I see some people leaving other's squashed life under their footprint as they march on regardless of other's sensitivities and feelings. I see some whose footprints go round and round in circles. I see some whose footprints leave a good and interesting mark and foothold for others to benefit from. I see some whose track is linear and tediously repetitive. I see some that lead the way to interesting places and for others follow. I see some that are so light, that the sands of time quickly blow their presence away. What are we all leaving in our trail, in each day, each week each year?

Life is not an insular existence; we each have an impact in each moment and thereafter on the world and other people. How many consider this each day? I see some people thinking only of themselves, their kudos, their desire to be recognised, accepted, admired, who tread through each day with scant thought to their weak footprint. Many people pass through my life; it is those that leave a beautiful footprint behind each day, that I remember. Some of them are famous rich and glossy people I know, most are not, some lie in hospital today, some lie in a cardboard box each night, some are articulate thinkers, some are just humble beautiful people that many pass by unnoticed in the rush for self fulfilment.

Stop a while, let life's march down today's tunnels pause for a moment and come up for air. Savour the sweet soft touch of a moment and look around with kitten's eyes and you may see a richer world than you have ever known, a world that you can give to and not just take and perhaps then the walk forward will leave a worthwhile footprint in the sands of time.

My beloved Cook Islands....

I hope that if I ever see those streaks ripping out of me again, I can feel that I did something vaguely useful with my  second chance- as well as making pretty patterns on the polished table with my dancing heels under the moonlit midnight sky lol

wooooooo I am happy today (my liver is not!)

Am I a freak to feel this way?

Kimmy 

xxx

 - off to go beautifully crazy for a while

Love, light, peace, health and happiness

Spread the smiles as the world CAN be shaken by a whisper...

Today I came out of an event, happy and with champagne in my blood and I momentarily forgot which country I was in and looked the wrong way as I stepped out onto the road. I heard the horn and screech and apparently did some kind of leap but all I remember is sliding across a bonnet and holding my arms to my head then smacking into a windscreen and staring at some guy through the glass which thank God stayed intact.

It takes a few moments for shock to set in and in that time I remember kissing the windscreen.

Please please, please, please, please, please, please:

Never take life for granted

Never have to watch loved ones and friends look at you in anguish again

Never believe you are immortal

Never try and live life at both ends of the candle as I have been doing lately. Sleep is important.

Never try and do too many things, just do some well.

Never forget what country you are in

Never put off doing anything or saying I love you

Never leave guilt or dues hanging

Always give to the world before it takes it from you

Always believe in Angels watching over you

Always have champagne in you if you step out in front of a car. The paramedics told me it relaxed me and maybe saved my life

I feel now as if I have used up 2 of my kitten lives- I guess I have 7 more to go..

A Shaken Kimmy  - bruised but not broken.

I love you

x

The past days I have been walking, dancing lightly, a light touch on this world, a delicate touch, with feeling, with passion.  I see so many people blunder and bulldoze their way through a day trampling all under foot and not seeing what is around.

My days have been like this.

I'm not sure why I feel that 21 is a milestone in my life but I do.  I don't think it's because of 21, more that so much has happened in the past 3 years of my life and also that some weeks ago there was knitting together of many wonderful strands into a tapestry that I actually feel some fulfilment and contentment with. Like some others reading this blog, I too have seen death this year. I have also seen life.

Much as I love partying, drinking and all of that lifestyle, it doesn't fulfil me and I doubt it really fulfils anyone. A constant need to party seems symptomatic of escapism from life. Modelling, travelling, seeing new amazing places and people have all been so wonderful. So too though has been to study, so too working with troubled kids, so too camping with just the basics, so too just seeing the sunrise with a cup of hot tea, so too running naked in the rain laughing, so too seeing amazing dancers move, so too hearing creative singer/songwriters, so too actually doing something to give back to the world and feeling that my life is greater than myself.  I have many heroes in life and Camila Batmanghelidjh is one.

So more by chance, than some master plan, for I don't believe there can be a master plan in life, some of my life has come together before 21. At its low points I thought I would die. Once I almost did. So just to still be here is enough. All the rest that has happened since that point is a bonus:)

 I know I bore some of my friends with my continual theme that to be free from pain, to be able to see sky, to hear the ocean, is a blessing in itself.  I also know though of mental chains, of the huge power of the mind and how it can turn against one, enslave one, bring one to ones knees and to a point where death seems more palatable than life. Unlike some others I see around me, I cannot go through a day without thinking of those struggling in life with physical or mental pain and wanting to say hi to them.  Where has humanity gone in many people? Does one have to suffer personally to appreciate other's suffering? Why too do some people ignore others? Mails never answered, calls never returned; too self obsessed, too weak to reply, too busy?  Every one in this world deserves an answer, an honest reply.  Too many people take the easy route in life.  You will never see the richness in this world if you take the easy path, if you never go off the common track. Look down the difficult paths, climb the hard routes, reply to the difficult questions, face problems with courage and honesty. Don't be afraid of mistakes, of falling, there are no perfect answers in this world, don't let others set your agendas or boundaries.  Don't strive for respect, for acceptance, for love, don't seek it out, don't need it to live. Respect is earnt slowly, the only acceptance that is important is self acceptance and love- no one has any control over.  Don't spend your life escaping yourself. Find yourself on a mountain, by the shore, in a field, in the stars, in a puddle, in dance, in art, in music, in another's smile when you help them- these are the places where life will start to make sense. 

My 21st...

A few weeks ago it was Alicia's 21st with parties in the UK and Paris and a project of ours spectacularly all coming together.  For my 21st I pleaded with N and with her and my parents that I didn't want to enter a room with lots of people, lots of parties, lots of presents.  I know this has been immensely selfish of me and I apologise. For me though, I wanted to celebrate my 21st with simplicity, with what is at my core, a love of the natural world and a love of some people. So after some time with my family, we set off and have spent the last days in a remote cottage with a large log fire, a rug, a mattress on the floor and wine. James if you read this, yes I did think of you..... 

Some beautiful memories of this week, simple contentment.....

playing boats with floating candles in the bath in darkness, seeing your body flickering in golden beauty as the glow drifts around our legs, giggling as you submerge your tummy and it floats on up then veers towards my breasts. Lying still, the holding of pent up suspense almost painful as it flickers bright between us, exciting, dangerous, captivating, beautiful, as is our love.    I love you, I love you so much

eating muffin buns and berries by the steamy kitchen window, feeling Sisotobelle Lane in my veins, the simplicity of cottage life.  Drinking tea from matching cups, each sip as if the first wonderful sip, like each kiss for us is still like the first wonderful kiss. I love you, I love you so much

sitting to eat on the old wooden table, food cooked with care, the table adorned with flowers, flowers in my hair, the rich red wine rolling in the glass as I stare at you through it and you me, two noses just a wine glass away, you laugh at me, that laugh that makes your eyes sparkle more precious to me than diamonds, and we peer over the glass and as I see those eyes and that rush, that flood through my body, brings me to tears and the wine is forgotten as I hold your head in my shaking hands and  tell you again and again that I love you, I love you so much.

fresh silk sheets slide across us, Care Bears peeping out from gaps, we twist and turn in play like kids on camp to steal the sheets and I lose and lie bare and cold as you laugh in victory wrapped up like a chrysalis. I rip you out in struggles and giggles and you slide across the floor naked hanging onto the last corner until I pull it under the table and you swear and lose grip as you tangle and mangle in the table legs haaa   you watch me open the window and throw the sheet out, you call me crazy, you laugh, we stare at each other  naked then you grab my leg and pull me down slowly by my thigh then my hips, strongly, determinedly and we fight not like kids anymore, but like new lovers, wild,  the pain of the hard floor inconsequential, everything inconsequential except your body and mine, no world existing except raw, so very raw emotions.  Lying still, so still for hours dragging just the floor rug over us, listening to birds outside, almost the only noise in this wonderfully remote place, the other, the sound I love the most in this world, the sound of your heart through my cheekbone.  I love you, I love you so much

clean clothes, wrapping up, warm and cosy, my silly yellow scarf, your silly skiing hat, I walk not like a  model but slip and squelch in the muddy lane, me clinging to your arm and squealing as I make you run through puddles and mud split splats on faces and I crease up in hysterics as one blob gets you on the nose. You dare me to climb a tree, I do in the rain and get my hair caught in the twigs and mieeoww pitifully like a cat and demand a hunky fireman, and you laugh, the mud still on your nose.  Mudnose, I love you, Iove you so much.

knotted wet hair, knitted wet hat, chasing each other through the forest, squirrels watching big eyed and bushy tailed, we stop by one and talk and he winks!!!  We wink, he stares, we wink till our eyes water but still he just stares!  I feel you unbuttoning my coat, I go limp and my heart almost hurts with each beat as you take off my coat and lay it on the wet forest floor. You ease off my jumper and I shiver soaked, then slowly, so slowly you lift off my T-shirt and throw it into the tree and watch me tremble in front of you exposed in the rain, the squirrel still there staring as I turn and look around for fear anyone else is staring but you kiss my breast and my eyes close and I  hold you to me like a baby  Shivers become shakes, shakes become spasms as I scream for every squirrel to hear,  that I love you, I love you so much.

sitting cross legged on the rug, steaming in front of the fire we have made, a proper fire, the smell of fragrant burning wood in our noses, packets of ginger biscuits disappeared in dunky hot mugs of tea, worries disappeared  in peace in our souls, love in our hearts. I love you, I love you so much.

Have courage, feel the beauty in this world, the goodness in this world, strip away false bravadoes, insecurities, strip away chains from your past and stand new and raw like a baby and let the light and  the richness of life bathe over and in you and smile:)  Every day, every hour, every second is a new start in our lives…

Find You and be just You and be proud you are you

I dedicate this blog to Hope, to Positivity, to Compassion, to Understanding, to Peace, to Passion, to Love, but above all to Kindness to others.

Kimmy

xxx

6am sleep, to wake at 9, crumpled but curled in another like a foetus.

Waking kisses, waking urgencies like flowing hot molten magma bursting from inside, we explode.

Time pauses and smiles for us as souls touch so intimately, so beautifully then tears of happiness cool our faces and drip drop down on the tumbled pillow leaving a mark to our bliss.

Clear water passing my lips, feels like an oasis after a desert, fresh fruit on my sensitive tongue, hand on my breast that I want left there for eternity.

Warm water, warm beautiful bodies showering, playing, laughing, fighting slip slopping around like two giant soaps

Clean clothes on skin, nuzzles in my hair, whispers hanging like gossamer around me

Walking out, walking free, breathing pure air, no pain today, feeling the wind on my wet hair, the sun on my skin, birds flying as I feel I am.

Road trips packed, off to the land of sunflower fields and rich beaches, shoots and hoots.

Decisions made, dies cast, no doctor's concerned stare. I will decide on the knife not you.

With arms around my waist
A flower smiled at me and I smiled back:)


(I love my new camera!),,,,

To dance beneath the sky with a soul that's running free
To live with honesty and to be what we can be

To smile and let one's smiles rest easy on the sad
To soothe and let one's peace rest calmly on the mad

To spin not around one's own small axis but the world's
To help others and watch the beauty that unfolds

To really see the beauty around, to feel every puff of the breeze, every step of each walk, each touch of a hand
To travel and to seek the wonder of each land


Shed angst and misplaced guilt, fears and useless tears, self-absorption and anger, embrace peace and good, learning and teaching. Don't blame others for your faults and insecurities, learn to be yourself, not someone else.

Party like there is no tomorrow, love like there is no tomorrow, help people like there is no tomorrow, make each day the best you can, it could be your last and then how would you feel- yeah I know lol


Stop for one moment and be so thankful for being alive and see the endless possibilities you hold within you.

********* back to packing******smiling***

Kimmy the Krazy

xxx

2 am, cameras packed, shutters shut, wraps wrapped, still bikinied we dance, drinks just in hand, smoky lasers flashing on flesh, strobes lighting tiny lace on brown skin, like signposts for testosterone guys grinning in our faces, the sea's smell still so strong in my hair. I feel wild.

The mix crashes, dancers skew in painful positions then turn slomo to stare as the blur of the night morphs into further realms of insanity, as that song hits the air and we five maniacal mannequins sing and act out in crazy emo happy laughter the song to a bewildered, bewitched and besotted crowd.  

Cheers and whistles, bitches bristle, as again we are the centre of attention, the retention of focus through no lens now but eyes, some eyes of trust, some eyes of lust, some eyes of envy, some eyes bendy with booze but most eyes just full with fun. We sing it twice and the crew croon along and we fall about with liquor laughter and mellow madness; beautiful bodies in a beautiful place.

Download, listen to what we sang:)

"On the Radio" by the wonderful Regina Spektor.

http://www.ezarchive.com/dukeofstraw/AlbumSpace/2KEWW4ZAD/16 On The Radio.mp3

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"This is how it works

Ah ha ahahaha.  "

Thank you beautifuls, thank you for one of those magical nights.

Live life to the full

Kimmy the Swimmy

xxx

Time to think

So much has happened in my life in the past two years.  To sit here and be able to say that, overwhelms me.  There nearly wasnt a past two years for me. 

For some time I have been away from studies, from the web, away from cities, away from departure lounges, away from shoots, away from schedules, away from so called civilisation.  Alicia and I have been where the bunnies hip hop and flowers dance trance in the wind, where the birds sing their singles, where the sea is the greatest light show, where freedom really does have meaning.  Parties, people, money, glamour, drink and dancing, taxis and clubs all fade into insignificance as one watches the moon rise over the sea next to someone whose soul is touching yours.    

We have been camping, just the two of us, then helping with a summer camp for deprived kids, then cosy camping with the guys, in one small tent.

The past years have seared through me, left me reeling, feeling in awe of life but through it all I have learnt some things.

I have learnt that there are no limits to cruelty, when one feels horrific pain that can get no worse, it can.  Please, please, never again.

I have learnt that there is so much suffering in this world.  Is it ok to ignore and go party every night?

I have learnt that there are no limits to love, when one feels a love can go no deeper, it can.  Being held close, making love on the shore for the sun and stars to see, being at one and one, is THE most profound experience of my life.

I have learnt that one can love more than one person and of both genders. I love you both so deeply, so very deeply. 

I have learnt that self-pity is a worthless emotion. Dont do it, it is a dead end, sometimes literally.

I have learnt that if this life deals one a blow, one has to just pick oneself up, dust off the crap and start all over again. And again and again.

I have learnt that I have strength I never knew I had. So do you.

I have learnt that souls do touch, hearts do beat together, minds do connect over vast distances. Spooky but so beautifully trueJ

I have learnt how fragile this earth is.  Help it where you can.

I have learnt how self centred some people can be.  The centre of such people is a hollow yawning cavern.

I have learnt that to help someone, is maybe the only real reason to live. Just try it.

I have learnt not to be afraid of real emotions and expressing them. Dont be afraid all of the time what others may think of you.

I have learnt that hospitals need more money. Dont wait until you are in one.

I have learnt that life can be scary but it is there to be explored. Dont be a timid recluse.

I have learnt to never put off something thinking there will be another day. There may not be.

I have learnt that laughter is such a very powerful medicine. Go on, you can do it:)

I have learnt that I am amazingly clumsy some days. Beware lol

I have learnt how beautiful a body can be and to look after it well and to feel so proud of it. It wont last.

I have learnt that to be creative is to add to this world. Write, paint, make something.

I have learnt that supermodels fart. We are not alone.

I have learnt that gentleness, grace and humility are qualities that I aspire to. I hope you do to.

I have learnt that the innocence and beauty of children is magical and is trampled upon or ignored by some parents, parents who stab their children in the heart every day with their lack of love and care. It kills me to see.

I have learnt that I may never be able to have kids of my own because of my injuries.  No words can describe how I feel.

I have learnt that the wonderful feeling I get when I think of people I love, that intense surge from my navel to my neck, a seconds rush, stays with me from day to day, from month to month.  It stops me breathing.

I have learnt that I sometimes drink too much and in Milan not enough.

I have learnt that hope, faith and optimism, are not just words, they are the way to live a life. Lose these and you lose life.

I have learnt that travel, to see all of this diverse world and its peoples, is to open ones eyes. It has to be done.

I have learnt that I cannot control the volume when being made love to. Sorry neighbours:)

I have learnt that we never can know what is round the corner. I do know though whatever it may be, you are in my soul for eternity.

I have learnt that screaming for them to stop was a waste of breath.  They almost wasted all of my  breathes to be.

I have leant that health is bliss. Bless each day you have it.

I have learnt that life is precious, so very precious. Dont waste it.

I have learnt that I have so much more to learn. I love this life so much.

I have learnt that we all need time to think Please do.  Lie on a rock and unwind, stretch and think about life and your part in it and smile.

Kim

New York-blog  (Thank you China and RW for the times in NYC)

Revision, exams, Prague, exams then before coming out here to NYC, I was camping, wild, dirty, no make up, no shells around me, basic and raw, first just with Alicia and then with a group of disturbed kids from the city in the UK. Most of them were full of distrust, cynical and scarred through years of neglect. It drained me more than I can tell but I would rather be back there than out here in this equally cynical and hardened city.  It is all part of life's rich tapestry though. I grab all of life's opportunities now, I dont put anything on hold :)

Children, I feel so deeply emotional towards them, partly as I know how important stability, love and guidance is and partly as I yearn for my own.  I may summon up the courage to have some more tests done this summer to re-assess my damaged insides to see if the chances of conceiving and delivering are any better.  It's not that I want kids now, but to be told I can never have them was a very cruel blow in the hospital.

I am writing this now in Manhattan, crazy Manhattan where, cracks rack the roads and burning bagel breezes, waft on street corners. Where furrowed brows walk coffee handed in conversations with cellfones. Where "dont honk" is a worthless intersection sign, where the air is as thick with fumes as the language. Where the gap between rich and poor is as obscene as in some other major cities. Where people's view of the sky is as limited as their gentleness.

Yes, it is an amazing city and a great superficial shop/sightsee fest can be had but Saks, Tiffany, Trump Tower et al, soon tire and my heart finds no warmth in diamonds and designer labels, and it drifts to the past human suffering of those that never made it here on the ships from Ireland and those that passed through Ellis Island to find no sidewalks paved with gold, those in the Titanic that never reached the pier, those that burnt to death in the towers and those still suffering in this city. 

Two weeks ago we were in Prague.. A city of many faces. Wonderful architecture, so beautifully ornate! Yet like many cities now, especially ones relatively new to overt freedom, it has a seedy side. Wenceslas Square, full of tourist parties by day has a vibrant seedy night scene with so many strip joints, cabarets and just plain sex joints. So many girls on the game hassling guys. So many girls here involved in the sex scene. RW says it is spoiling her home city. I adore RW and she spoke passionately about her county and its hard and sometimes violent past that has left a hardened shell in people. She spoke of stories of the old secret police and tortures and I just burst out crying right in the restaurant for such things are far too raw for me, too painful.  After the meal we walked across the famous bridge and the sights and sounds triggered emo me and I just wept uncontrollably on the bridge with too much emotion and wine in me.

Times square below does not evoke such feelings with its bland neon lights.

People tell me I feel to much, that one should just drink and be merry.  I can do that very well also lol. But to only shop and spend and "look good" and party is to see just one shallow dimension of this wonderfully complex life. Few people actually look good in New York. Sure there are smartly dressed business types but generally there is lack of diversity and flair and interesting clothes. No low slung hipsters that can be seen in the uk and Europe and less colour and less beautiful strappy tops and it's as if  bras are compulsory!  Lighten up New York!!  New York is not an exciting fashion place on the streets and the HQ of Agencies like IMG and Elite are just small inconspicuous floors in general buildings as in quite a few other countries.  Central Park is the one highlight to me in Manhattan, a refuge for I am not one to walk where I cannot see the sky, breathe, where the air not the sky is blue, see not the ocean but steaming drain covers. I need to shed my clothes under the sun and swim in the ocean.  My small escape in NYC is Central Park. Also on this trip, Alicia and I lay naked on the hotel bedroom windowsill, high above the city streets and felt wonderful freedom and release. Lying up  there, drinking too many margaritas, I thought that, this is the high life, in so many meanings. But as a sign, a sign that I'm not a high lifer but a dork, some 4 cocktails later and playing leg wrestling with Alicia, I fell off the windowsill in a heap and I have hurt my back a bit:(

The temperature in NYC has been 31, hot and humid but then the rains came, like monsoons! Friday night at rush hour the rain was monumental and as we dived into the subway to get north out of downtown Manhattan, so it seems every New Yorker did so too, but the rain was so bad it flooded some of the lines until no subway was getting north to Queens. The hot tired New Yorkers let rip with their condemnation of the transport system lol

Oh while I remember, go watch Prime- an amusing film set in NUC with Uma in.

So heavy rain!  We seem to be plagued with rain, in Prague Alicia had to be in pouring rain for a shoot for ages and became ill some days later but a part of her loved that piece of work.  Despite the rain here in NYC, she wanted us to go to the top of the Empire State again.  When we finally got to the top, we went to the real outside bit in the torrential rain and took off our rain jackets and stood just in white T-shirt and jeans and let the rain pour into us.  A feeling of freedom, freedom from the grime below, freedom from some clothes, freedom to just shout to the sky and to see in Alicia's dripping laugh, those same emotions, was exhilarating. But then it all came out why she had wanted to be up there as she gave me something more precious than the biggest Tiffany diamond, something from her brother and from her.  Moments in lives that shock and amaze, moments that glow with a fire so bright, moments where life bursts into the skies and are forever etched on the soul. Such moments I can only handle with tears of joy for there are no words.

We drew a small crowd, some I think looking to see where the photographer must be for surely this must be a shoot; no just two crazy English girls soaked to the skin and laughing to the heavens:)  As we emerged back down onto 5th Ave, I felt like new person, not under the weight and stress of NYC,  but on top of it.  We walked up to 56th without jackets, two drenched and (probably rather see through lol) laughing idiots and we said hi to random ppl, wished them a happy life and made them laugh.

If you are in Manhattan at 4am on a Saturday morning, catch WFMU on 92.1 and listen to the most eclectic music introduced by a girl that somewhere connects deep with me, called Laure.  After the day of rain and lifelong presents and drink and cheesy male hairdressers trying to get it off with us, I felt my body just relax to mush, listening to that show in tactile candlelight, connections with other bodies.

I dont know why I am still alive and what Im good for, some guys seem to think the answer to those questions is "sex" lol, Alicia's answer is to be a loving Angel and the answer from a guy very close to me, is "hope". 

My life will not be futile if I place into just one person's heart, a smile and some tender care for others. I really though want to help children for I have seen so many times how lack of care, love and attention can cause untold problems later in life and they are the worlds future.  A wonderful gentle, patient girl I know, worked for three days with a very aggressive violent boy on the camp and through love and care and the wonderful art of talking not much and listening a lot, discovered he was acutely dyslexic and had grown the aggressive behavior to hide this and to command respect, not derision from his mates.  She showed him how to make a fire, how to cook for himself, how to navigate and build shelters and even after just two days he started seeing that earning respect from his mates rather than commanding it, was far better and moreover, to be honest about his problem was actually easier than hiding it in a cloak of self made fear. One small whisper in this world, for one small boy.

I am sad that people and cities become hardened and defensive and I love people that are gentle but strong.

..for that is how I like being made love to   lol

Kimmy

There is such a thing. I know it with all of my fast beating heart. I have felt it while seeing the beauty of nature. I have felt it with someone next to me.   It is no illusion, it is a feeling that transcends all others, that cannot be described but just fills my soul and overflows out of me in laughter and tears. 

No I am not delusional, no the cynics are not right that nothing can be pure. I know deeply of darkness and fear and pain but I also know so deeply what is pure light and beauty.  The past months have shown me yet again that there is a bond possible with nature that is purity itself, but also there is a bond possible with another person that is intrinsically and utterly so beautifully pure, filled with laughter and a closeness that cannot be broken.

 Tonight the truth of this just overwhelms me.  For those that doubt, I hope one day you will findJ 

Kimmy

xxx