So this morning I'm reflecting on temporary happiness versus long term happiness.

Temporary happiness is short-lived. We like temporary happiness, as a society who wants things NOW. Dieters who fall for the lose 30 lbs in one month, or make money from home, up to 5,000 per month. These are just a few examples. Some personal examples.

What makes me happy in the moment?
Eating a delicious dinner
What makes me happy in the long-term?
Managing and losing weight with healthy meals

What makes me happy in the moment?
Reading a really great book
What makes me happy in the long-term?
Playing with my children, enjoying this time I have with them NOW.

What makes me happy in the moment?
Sleeping in on Sundays
What makes me happy in the long term?
Attending church regularly.

Happy in the moment?
Buying something that I really want
Happy in the long-term?
Getting out of debt and saving money.

It's very difficult to focus on the long-term goals for me. At least I know. ;)

My blogs have always just been about me, who I am.. what I've become and how I feel about life, marriage and children, and anything. I want to always keep it that way, and keep it completely utterly real.

Today, I couldn't help it. I needed something. An escape? There isn't one at my house, so.. I sat in my bathroom, turned on my shower to the hottest level and sat on the floor, fully clothed, let the blazing hot steam engluff me, and cried.

No one seems to really understand what sort of crap I go through. Not my family, not my friends. Just me. I'm alone, and I'm freaked out.

What do I do?

Today, I walked in the rain.. Anyone that knows me .. knows I love rain.

But as I was walking, I noticed something that struck my imagination, my attention. I never walk through neighbor's yards, but today I did. One particular abandoned driveway.. I spotted something that caught my notice. I stopped, and looked. A white binder, plain, yet used. A backpack with items that had spilled out of it. A flowered notebook, with a pencil attached to the spirals, a neon pink hair bow, a hair brush, Carmex chap stick, a small key chain with a miniature notebook attached, a small faded blue coin purse and lastly, further from the other items, a shoe. Just one, without its match, laying across an abandoned driveway. The driveway was old, partially cracked, not a house or a car close by. Most of the items were dirty, used.. and looked like they had spent time sitting in the driveway.

But, I couldn't help think of the little girl who owned them. Who was she? Did she miss her things or.. did she leave them on purpose? Who could have been the reason she would abandon all that was familiar to her? And then.. my emotions flowed. I cried like I hadn't in a long time. I couldn't understand who she was, but.. I felt her sorrow. As if I were that little girl, who had lost so many precious things.. and didn't know.. how to get them back. And I knew then.. I was crying for myself and wondering, why? And I knew, but.. didn't want to stop.

The time has flown by, and guess what, life is still happening...

♥ My baby turned 5 yesterday. I tried to hold him, kiss him and ask him if he loves me still, and I get a stubborn, impatient, and undeniably irritated, "Yes, mom! I do!"

♣ One of my good friends, Michelle, got baptized into the LDS Church. I'm so proud of her!

♠ I've been working at my full-time job for 1 year at the Pitch. I'm excited for the changes that are being made.. they are adding two new people to our department, making a total of 4 of us.

♥ I'm surprisingly struggling with many inner conflicts. With myself, I feel ..  unconfident, unattractive, and many other "uns" I won't get into. Tell me this... At 28, aren't you supposed to be past the point of a high school persona where you are insecure about who you are and where you are going in life? Not so.

♣ Its been awhile since I've been pregnant, and I still don't want to be, which makes me sad.

♠ I've re-connected with some old friends from my past. In the last 4 months or so, I'm happy to say, I now have many friends I didn't have a year ago who I talk to on a daily basis.

♥ I have a new TV crush, but it's so embarrassing, I'm not saying who.

♣ My dreams are so vivid lately. I will write soon about some of them.

But for now, goodbye :)

See my new profile? I love the water. I hate swimming but I love the water.  The calmness, the smell of ocean-scented breezes, the blarring sun, it's amazing.

I would love to go sailing in a small sailboat and just.. "be."

One of my most peaceful moments was sitting on a huge deck of a cruise ship, I was by myself (amazingly, since the boat holds 3500 people)... just, reading. No worries, no dinner to make, no kids, no husband. The simple decision of what to read and when to eat and sleep was relaxing. I don't understand people who don't take vacations :)

Perhaps they've never had one :)

Cheers!

Thank you to my friends who write interesting blogs that make me smile :) It is the best thing to read original daily dealings of friends who are trying to live their life to the fullest, then sharing them! It is the highest compliment of a friend I could know.

Isn't it interesting how we can show our moods through our blogs? I can sense something in many of the blogs that I read more of what you don't say, then what you do say.

The issue is, we say what we can, and we leave out what others might find mundane or boring or morally wrong, but we are speaking in hopefully what will be a life-long monument to our lives. Even if it's not interesting to anyone but our children's children, who finds out that their personality and ideas are very same to our own personality or ideas.. then it was 100 percent worth it!

Cheers :)

There's this empty echo in my mind now since my dream last night. My past comes back to me like a dearly loved, but old forgotten movie.

I remember him clearly. The bridge of his forehead, the eyes, the smile that I could never forget. No time has passed and the feelings are stronger than ever.

The familiar face, staring into my soul. It's achingly familiar. My mind is insanely ripped apart from a year of filled memories that are still haunting me to this day. I'm overcome by a desire I don't even understand.

This face from my past was an old flame.

The dream was an old story retold to me in yet another agonizing way. It's mostly about a love I cannot have, could not have then, or reach or touch.

My sadness and my dream molding into a quiet desperation.

It is the reason for living, to feel such things, even in the quiteness of the night, the hum of the fan, in the stillness of a dependable life with a devoted husband by my side. I am happy.

So.. do you think people really want to know when they ask, "How are you?" When I lived in Rexburg, Idaho, people did not just say "Hi," I'm not kidding, they would say, "How are you?" And you weren't expected to reply to that in passing, oh no.. a simple, "Hey" was all that was required back, since by the time you looked up, smiled, they were gone anyway. Nice people, but weird way of greeting.

Right now, I'm in front of a computer, I have a phone, but when there is no work to do, what do I do? Sit there. Yep, that's what I've learned. Sit there and look like I'm busy, and I think that's what half the people do here most of the time anyway. Please, if anyone has suggestions on things to do with a computer and Internet access, please share.

I'm so different than my co-workers. It's nothing against them, I just can't really relate to their views and ideas of the world. Most of them are single, they go out together.. a lot.. and they do a lot of things I don't really do. Drink, smoke, talk trash about other people and spill their own views and ideas into a media outlet that is supposed to be a newspaper, but it's not really, it's a liberal based view on Kansas City.

Huh.

Oh well, cheers.

Okay, so watch this guy balance 11 nails on top of 1 nail head. Pretty amazing!

http://www.influks.com/post1236.html

Ok ok.. I will try to post more. I usually only write when the mood strikes me, and its usually because I'm extremely moody or otherwise iritable about something I can't do ANYTHING about. Does that make any sense to anyone but myself?

I've started my new job and no one knows me!

When I was younger, in highschool or middle school, honestly, my first sentence out of my mouth was, "Hey, guess what? I'm a mormon!" Why do I find that such a crazy idea now? Umm.. right, because it IS crazy.

At my new job, no one knows who I am and what I'm all about. A girl today at work asked me to go to "happy hour" with them. I smiled and the first sentence out of my mouth was.. "thank you for asking me!! That sounds fun." Then as she went on, I added later that I didn't drink and she still invited me. :) Anyway, so now its only the second sentence out of my mouth.

I guess its true that people don't really change :) Oh well, I like me.

So I did it. Yep, entered the corporate world of 9 - 5 and lunch breaks and office computers. I'm a working gal now!! 

I went on an Interview on Thursday at 11 A.M. in downtown Kansas City, and 5 hours later I got the call.. I was offered the position!

The company is a newspaper publication called The Pitch where I will be working as a Web support specialist for 17 papers across the U.S. in big cities like Los Angeles, New York, San Antonio etc.

I can't wait!!!!!!!!!! It's going to be great.

Meanwhile.. Adam is going to be a stay-at-home dad. :)

There's a new person in my life who has made me change who I am...

Who has made me cry...

And laugh, unfortunately. :(

Who has taught me more about myself

And taught me more about what I can overcome

and the mistakes I sometimes make.

And now...... I'm sad because I have lost my new friend.

Who was only here a short while.

So now I say goodbye .. but glad to have known them.

So long .. and THANK YOU!