First off, there are the apologies I owe to everybody out there who likes to read my blog. I promised a blog about my recent trip to Tennessee to do comedy and I finally posted it, almst a week after the trip began. My apologies especially go to one of my loyal readers, Dawn Henderson, who I believe needed an EKG during the time she and everyone else was waiting for this damn blog to go online. However, I did need to recuperate.

So here goes. This past weekend, May 8 and 9, I did my first set of comedy shows where I traveled by air and rented a car in order to perform. Needless to say, this created a series of adventures for me without ever having to set foot onstage.

My adventure started when I checked in before my flight at BWI Airport, just south of Baltimore, MD.

Now, I have not flown since October of 2000, which is well before the events of 9/11 and before all of the security measures that resulted from said events. That being said, I want to come out and say that I respect that we have the security measures needed to protect everyone on an airplane. I felt like a pro checking my bags, and showing the security guard my boarding pass. However, things seemed to go awry during the time when I came to the X-ray machine, where I had to place all of my worldly possessions on me, shoes included onto the conveyer belt that led into said X-ray machine. At that point, I clearly did not know what I was doing. After I placed the only bag that I did not check onto the conveyer belt, I started to walk through the metal detector when the guard said, “Sir, you’re going to have to put your jacket through the X-ray machine.” One of the other passengers, sensing I clearly did not know what I was doing, showed me a little bucket where I could put my keys, wallet, cell phone, coins, etc. so they could easily go through the X-ray machine. I started to walk through the metal detector, sans jacket and all forms of identification, with exception my boarding pass with my shoes in hand to show the guard I was not Richard Reid. The guard simply said, “Sir, put your shoes through the X-ray machine.” I have now been fully briefed on airport security. Happy?

Having settled into the plane that was taking me to Nashville, I felt secure in my being able to handle a mere 2+ hour flight. My stomach, on the other hand, had different ideas. Along with everyone else on the Southwest Airlines flight, I learned that the digestive system of comedian Tom Myers cannot handle two hours of turbulence after having eaten breakfast. I must credit the flight attendants who were very attentive to my obvious signs of distress and went the extra mile by handing me not one, but two big green trash bags when it was clear I was not going to be able to find the little white barf bag in time for me to, um, spill my guts. An extra kudos goes to the flight attendants who handled the bags themselves at the conclusion of the flight. Needless to say, despite Vice President Biden’s gaffe, catching swine flu on this flight was not really a concern at all.

After four hours of recovering in a lounge at the Nashville International Airport, I picked up my rental car, a 2009 Nissan Sentra (oh baby, I love new rented cars) and made the 133 westward trek to the town of Jackson, which proudly boasts the Casey Jones Home and Railroad Museum as well as staking the claim that one of the co-founders of the Waffle House was a native of their little burg. I paid my respect by having my entire diet composed of Waffle House meals. I decided to change it up a little in terms of my entrée choices. After all, I am open-minded.

That Friday night, I went and did the show at the South Street Comedy Club and Lounge, attached to Baudo’s Restaurant, less than a mile away from the Guesthouse Inn, where I was staying. Apparently, every major event in someone’s life takes place at Baudo’s. While I was there, there was one bachelorette party on each of both nights of the shows, with a guy actually proposing marriage to a girl on the stage during the emcee’s set the second night I performed. Nevertheless, the crowd at the venue is ready to have a good time during the comedy shows, especially if some members of the audience believe that the night is about them and not the people on stage who have travelled some 900+ miles (one-way) to perform. During the course of the show on Saturday night, I had this little philosophical gem handed to me by one of the locals while I was onstage:

“WHUT WUD YOU DO IF I TUK THIS HERE TABLE AND THREW IT AT YER HED?”

My response involved pantomiming getting ready to fight the guy and then curling up into a ball, which apparently met the approval of the audience. I was able to finish the show sans table throwing action and the weekend turned into a marginal sense of satisfaction, especially after the pay checks were disbursed, to me and the headliner John Marks, who tells great jokes and stories with a Southern accent and plays a mean saxophone. John is on my Top Friends on MySpace, so check him out and tell him I sent you.

My flight back to Baltimore on Sunday was more relaxing. First, there was no turbulence on the flight, which helped my stomach. Second, I took twice the recommended dosage of Dramamine, which succeeded in putting me into a happy haze as I was on my way home.

There are a few little extras that happened to me in Tennessee, including a drive through the states of Mississippi and Alabama, but I think I will save those for the stage. Yes, you will now have to come and see me perform if you want to hear more about my trip. Tee hee hee.

Thanks for reading and until later, keep in touch!

~TOM

As the month of May, which many sex-positive activists and organizations have labeled “Masturbation Month,” approaches, it is important to not just celebrate this month, but celebrate it in a way that we don’t take the month of May or the ability to masturbate for granted. All too often, emphasis is placed on football, baseball or basketball as sports popular enough to warrant fantasy teams. Although these sports are popular enough for individual recreation and office betting pools, there is another activity that deserves the attention of fantasy teams. This activity can bring gratification to everybody. This activity is Fantasy Masturbation. Whether you are aware or not, this is not a new activity. Fantasy Masturbation has been around for generations. If someone tells you they do not participate or have no desire to, then they are lying. Masturbation is, by definition, fantasy.

It is one of the safest sports around, with the only serious risk of injury being carpal tunnel syndrome. In fact, there is the benefit to one’s health associated with taking up Fantasy Masturbation. According to the results of medical studies and conclusions found in medical journals, masturbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer among males. Masturbating on a frequent basis may also lower blood pressure, according to these same studies. The medical benefits of Fantasy Masturbation are there for couples who would like to engage in sexual activity without the risk of pregnancy or transmission of sexual diseases. By mutually practicing Fantasy Masturbation on each other, couples can participate with the health risks associated through direct sexual contact remaining minimal. Of course, in any physical or medical regiment, please contact your physician to choose a plan that is right for you.

Over the years, a lot of time and emphasis has been spent on fantasy sports teams. I believe it has a lot to do with the kind of wish fulfillment. Fantasy teams are a form of vicariousness, a desire to play manager to a team, composed of one’s favorite players in an effort to create ideal scenarios in the pursuit of athletic success. There are ups and downs in many sports and Fantasy Masturbation is no exception. Lounging back in one’s easy chair, the ups and downs are fairly quick. Sitting in a LA-Z-Boy, ups and downs occur so quickly that it is nearly impossible to determine a valid point spread. The practice of selecting favorite players is similar to other sports, but Fantasy Masturbation is the only game known to use players of specific body types while paying only little attention to statistics. The male participant of Fantasy Masturbation may have teams composed entirely of blondes, while a more open-minded player might want to throw in a redhead or two for good measure. Another male participant might put together a team composed entirely of brunettes, with a wide range in breast sizes and a medium build especially around the waist. Female players, often times more open-minded and less shallow than their male counterparts, might not concern themselves with statistics of their selections. Some might select male players that have a nice personality or a good sense of humor in addition to the common requirements of nice six-pack abs or a cute butt. As you can see, the possibilities for fantasy team selections are endless.

In sports, fantasy teams were created in an effort to relieve stress caused by a phenomenon known as Monday morning quarterbacking. Instead of saying, “If the team had done this or that, then they would have won,” one can create the ideal scenario using players with favorable statistics to improve the chance of success for a viable, if only imaginary, team. In Fantasy Masturbation, this is no exception. An obvious result of masturbation is the instant stress relief. The end result results in everybody being a winner, regardless of the level of activity or the effort put into the game. In fact, there are only a few Monday morning quarterbacking line used in Fantasy Masturbation. Some might consist of “If I’d only wiped off with a towel or wiped off in a different direction, I would not have to do my laundry right now” or “If only my roommate knocked before he walked in, I could have initiated the proper Time Out procedure and saved embarrassment.” There is hope for those that have been caught practicing Fantasy Masturbation. If this becomes a widely known concept and acceptable for discussion around the workplace water cooler, then there will be little need for embarrassment. “Honey, could turn the orgasm sounds down? I’m on the phone with my mother wishing her a happy birthday” might become an expression heard in every American family, regardless of political or religious affiliation. Prior to the start of a Fantasy Masturbation tournament, an alternative national anthem may be used to convey the bond that this newly public phenomenon creates. Instead of standing up and holding a hat over one’s heart to Francis Scott Key’s “Star Spangled Banner,” standing up and holding a hand over one’s genitals while singing Chuck Berry’s “My Ding-a-ling” would be more appropriate. Sports have been known to bring people together and Fantasy Masturbation might be used as a bond to bring Americans of all faiths and political leanings together. With that, we can hope one day to achieve world peace that our leaders across the world have been looking for hundreds of years.

So, as the month of May descends upon us, let us take the time to celebrate and truly acknowledge masturbation as a pastime that has no clear ethnic or cultural origin, but appeals to many people around the world. Unbeknownst to many people, the benefits of Fantasy Masturbation are there. With the low risk of injury, the health benefits and the potential for a better world where everybody can get along, Fantasy Masturbation is not just something that can take place late at night in one’s bedroom or bathroom, or in front of one’s computer. Fantasy Masturbation can become a widely acceptable piece of sports talk, taking up time on sports talk radio stations and even on ESPN. So, while the axiom of “There is no ‘I’ in TEAM” is correct, there is a “Me.” The “Me” is the only necessary component in Fantasy Masturbation. If you take out the M and the E of TEAM, you get T and A, the very idea of which is enough of a stimulation to get a round of Fantasy Masturbation started.

A postscript: Last night, my Fantasy Masturbation team was down 215 points. However, I checked this morning and my current ranking shows a net gain of 312 points. Fantasy Masturbation is different from other sports in that this is one sport where it is good if your team chokes.

For those who know me, I am an avid news and analysis connoisseur. I am just as into news as I am into a Meat Lover's Pizza, a six-pack of Yuengling and a lap dance at a strip club, or anywhere else for that matter. If I could find a way to enjoy all of those things simultaneously, then all of my goals will have been met. Every now and then, I will watch something on television that will make me sit up, take notice, do my research, and then write a blog about it for you to enjoy.

I had one of those moments last night, the kind that make me sit up and go "a-ha!" It's moments like that where I leap up off of my couch, knock the plate with the Meat Lovers pizza slice onto the floor and spill the beer on the girl who is thoughtfully giving me a lap dance while I am watching one of the news analysis programs. As my faithful cat Buddy eats up the remaining bits of the pizza slice that lies on the carpet, I reflect with disappointment that I will not be able to eat any other meat than what is on my pizza and the girl finishes yelling at me through her uncontrollable sobbing, wiping the beer stains off of her blinged-out g-string as she leaves my apartment, all the meantime turning on my computer to go online to access the Google page.

Last night, December 29, 2008, I happened to catch The O'Reilly Factor on FOX News to catch these gems, which could only be espoused by FOX News and the ever-catchy Bill O'Reilly and his "Talking Points Memo" under the subject heading "Barack Obama Under Siege From Far Left." Says O'Reilly:

"Holidays aside, 'Points' is worried about a few things in America ... The true indicator of what is to come is The New York Times, which walks point for the radical left. The day after Christmas, The Times called for the following: an end to the border fence with Mexico, amnesty for illegal aliens, union rights for illegal aliens, a repeal of the law that allows health care workers to opt out of the abortion industry, and a scaling back of workfare laws. All of this happened on one day, December 26. It was mind-boggling, and it is dangerous."

Now, I pretty much subscribe to the point of view of Al Franken when he states that whenever he reads anything by Ann Coulter and she writes anything about the New York Times, then Franken knows Coulter is lying. In this case, when O'Reilly mentions the New York Times, I believe he (or an underling bootlicker of his) is lying in that he manipulates the text of the Times articles to fit whatever preplanned Talking Points agenda he has in store for any particular evening's broadcast. Bill-O goes on to say that one of the most respected papers in the country:

"... and other far-left sympathizers like NBC News feel emboldened and are already putting pressure on Barack Obama to take the country dramatically left. Sample this paragraph from the Times: 'If Mr. Obama's team is confirmed, the country will have a homeland security [group] ... who understand the border region and share a well-informed disdain for foolish, inadequate enforcement schemes like the Bush administration's border fence. And it will have a labor secretary, Hilda Solis of California, who ... has a reputation as a staunch defender of immigrants and workers.' "

O'Reilly goes on to state in "Points" that:

"... [Solis] partnered with the radical left Media Matters organization to oppose my investigation into the Virginia Beach sanctuary city situation that allowed a criminal alien to kill two teenage girls. Even though Virginia Beach stopped its sanctuary policies after our reporting, Ms. Solis harshly criticized me. So despite the fact that Barack Obama voted for the fence, it looks like the open border amnesty policy The New York Times champions might have a good chance at becoming law on his watch."

Now that sounds like a staunch view, does it not? If you're illegal, get out! We need to put a fence up to keep these guys out! Pretty black and white, don't you think?

But there is more to the story.

Having heard this memo, I looked up the New York Times article that O'Reilly insists is spouting left-wing, pro-illegal immigration sentiment. The section that O'Reilly quotes can be found in this excerpt from the December 26, 2008 Editorial piece, "Getting Immigration Right." Note the bold-faced text, which is my emphasis and not that of the New York Times.

"If Mr. Obama's team is confirmed, the country will have a homeland security secretary, Janet Napolitano of Arizona, and a commerce secretary, Bill Richardson of New Mexico, who understand the border region and share a well-informed disdain for foolish, inadequate enforcement schemes like the Bush administration's border fence. And it will have a labor secretary, Hilda Solis of California, who, as a state senator and congresswoman, has built a reputation as a staunch defender of immigrants and workers. The confluence of immigrants and labor is exactly what this country - particularly, and disastrously, the Bush administration - has not been able to figure out."

Did you see the bold-faced text? What does all of it have in common?

Here it is: Bill O'Reilly "Factors" out all of those little nuggets of information that the New York Times writes in the article. By cherry-picking certain passages from an article to fit his fear-inducing right-wing agenda, Bill O'Reilly smears the New York Times by insisting they are writing something that they did not write. To make matters worse, I would say a well-defined majority of his viewers will take his word as Gospel and do absolutely nothing to do something important like look into the truth.

O'Reilly does not mention Janet Napolitano and Bill Richardson in his "Points", much less that they are governors of states that border Mexico and, more than likely, know more about what goes on in the effort to curb illegal immigration than O'Reilly. O'Reilly also does not mention that Hilda Solis is not only a former state senator, but currently a congresswoman representing Los Angeles in California, another state that borders Mexico.

In this New York Times op-ed from June 1, 2007, Napolitano writes about her concerns regarding immigration during the U.S. Senate's effort to construct a fence along the U.S.-Mexico border before temporary workers are granted visas.

"I strongly favor enhanced border security, but I am concerned about delaying a temporary worker program until those security measures are instituted. The Department of Homeland Security has already demonstrated that it takes a long time to hire agents and to award contracts for fencing. A temporary worker program should not be burdened with this unnecessary delay. The temporary worker program in the Senate legislation, however, needs improvement. The proposed notion that temporary workers stay here for two years, return home for a year, then repeat that strange cycle two more times makes no sense. No employer can afford this schedule — hiring and training, only to have a worker who soon will leave. It will only encourage employers and workers to find new ways to break the rules. ... These and other issues should be addressed in the Senate debate. Lawmakers should not forget that immigration reform must be truly comprehensive. The country has waited too long to accept anything less."

In other words, Governor Napolitano, while applauding the efforts taken to curb illegal immigration, has reservations about delaying the guest worker program prior to the completion of border fence construction, saying that with an estimated 12 million immigrants here illegally, the bill would create problems with the way employers hire and train guest workers and needed such improvements that the New York Times described such efforts nearly eighteen months later as one of the "foolish, inadequate enforcement schemes" of the Bush administration's stance towards immigration, along with cutting funding for National Guard troops along the border, as Governor Napolitano states in the June 1, 2007 op-ed piece.

Bill Richardson of New Mexico, another of the border governors that O'Reilly thoughtfully excluded from his "Points," spoke about the immigration issue to Brit Hume on the March 27, 2005 episode of Fox News Sunday. Governor Richardson said while he favors President Bush's willingness to curb illegal immigration from Mexico, he offers some other ideas to in this transcript:

"I think what is also needed is some clear path toward some type of legal status, legalization. We have an immigration system that's broken. We have 10 million illegal immigrants in America, 25 percent in the last two years. So if you have an earned legalization program that has benchmarks of law-abidingness, that has benchmarks of working hard, and you combine it with tough law enforcement, more border guards, a crackdown on illegal smuggling, better detection of those that overstay their visas, stolen/lost passports — what is needed is a comprehensive immigration reform, not piecemeal, punitive measures."

In his own word, Governor Richardson comes out strong on comprehensive immigration, not the "piecemeal, punitive," O'Reilly, let's-just-put-a-fence-up-and-hope-nobody-enters-this-country-illegally-again approach.

Now, we move onto Hilda Solis. Although she was mentioned in O'Reilly's points, her former state senator and current congressional titles were not. O'Reilly does not bother to check that in 2007, Congresswoman Solis was a co-sponsor of H.R. 1645, the Security Through Regularized Immigration and a Vibrant Economy Act of 2007 (or STRIVE Act of 2007). The STRIVE act sets provisions for border security and enforcement, allows a grant program for local law enforcement agencies to participate in border security, as well as issues protections for immigrants who enter the United States in an effort to seek asylum and issues fines and penalties for employers who hire illegal immigrants in an effort to skirt minimum wage laws and fair labor practices.

You can see now why Bill O'Reilly did not mention Governors Napolitano or Richardson or their views as well as Congresswoman Solis's history or her efforts in his "Points." They would present more than one view (O'Reilly's) and perhaps get Factor viewers to choose between two views and side with the one that doesn't favor O'Reilly. You get my drift?

If that was not enough, O'Reilly has more to say about immigration.

"As 'Talking Points' has stated, the far left goal is to create a new America where workers, many of them foreign-born, control the voting process. Therefore, a massive immigration helps that vision."

Hello all!

As some of you know, in past years I have written some blogs that some could descrive as vitriolic, some as loconic, while others are agreeable with me in that they are downright funny.

In the spirit of the holiday season, I decided I would post several Christmas-related segments that I have found in the past and continue to find amusing. I am not one for pap sentiment, only true sentiment. However, these clips will come as no surprise to anyone who knows me.

I thought I would start by posting some of my favorite twisted Christmas songs. Here is what can happen when Bob Rivers combines Alvin and the Chipmunks with Nat King Cole.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7Z8Hmi9zAc

For those who love to hear Bruce Springsteen live, ummm ... this is not quite it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nry3sBZzbC4

This song is one of two I am posting found on a Christmas album John Waters released a few years ago. "Here Comes Fatty Claus" demonstrates what can happen when one gets sick of the materialistic nature of Christmas and rightly snaps.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDAgIWaHsMU

And why not close out this cavalcade of carols with probably the most spirited Christmas song of them all, "Santa Claus is a Black Man."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sp_iB8Nd8Os

Before I close, here is one perception of jolly ol' Saint Nick.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XOM31TpsJg

That being said, I wish everyone a happy Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, or whatever way you celebrate this festive season and I look forward to a great 2009!

Until later,

~TOM

I saw this reported on MSNBC this morning and I couldn't resist making a comment.

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Motel's Porn Signal Visible to Nearby School

Last Edited: Wednesday, 17 Dec 2008, 9:03 PM CST

Created: Wednesday, 17 Dec 2008, 7:14 PM CST Some South Dallas parents are in shock after learning their children can see X-rated movies at school. FOX 4's Peter Daut explains where the signal is coming from, and how the shocking story was discovered. http://www.myfoxdfw.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail?contentId=8095986&version=2&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=1.1.1

What the report more than likely failed to mention was the kid who alerted school officials to this is now receiving a barrage of wet willys, swirlies and wedgies.

Ah, the benefits of education. Now that I think about it, I would not object to my tax dollars going to private school vouchers.

Until later, keep in touch!

~TOM