Dick Woke Up
Podhajsky
9-08-08

A South Dubuque Street resident faces indecent exposure charges after allegedly going outside Saturday evening to look at his penis and masturbate.

Police records show an anonymous complainant sent them to 603 South Dubuque Street just before 8pm. Arriving officers found 55-year-old James Merlin Walters on the back steps of the apartment complex. Walters told police that he was outside – quote – "looking at my dick." He also told the officers that – quote – "after 20 years my dick woke up, so I masturbated."

Police say that Walters was visible to public view while he was masturbating.

Indecent exposure is a serious misdemeanor carrying a maximum sentence of one year in jail and a fine of 1,500 dollars.

Police records show Walters was cited and released. His court date is scheduled for October 1st.

http://www.iowa-city.org/police/docket_detail.asp?inum=002008049206

..

Nose Bit Off
Lang
7-30-08

A man who Iowa City police arrested Sunday morning when he allegedly threatened a woman for not having sex with him faces a new charge after he allegedly bit another man's nose off last week.
Police say 40-year-old Donroy Robert Merrival Junior called 9-1-1 just before 11pm on July 24th and said that another man had hit him on the head with a shovel.  Merrival said he responded by biting the man's nose off. 
Officers responded to the scene of the incident, 27-24 Wayne Avenue, and found Merrival bleeding from the head while walking around outside.  They then noticed another man missing a significant portion of his nose exit the apartment building.  The man missing his nose told police that he and Merrival had been drinking together at his apartment when Merrival became violent.  The man eventually hit Merrival with the shovel, and Merrival retaliated by biting the man's nose.  Merrival told police he didn't remember swallowing the man's nose, but it was never found.  Investigators believe it may have been eaten by one of the man's dogs.
Police at the scene did find part of what appeared to be the victim's lip, which Merrival also bit off.  The victim will be permanently disfigured as a result of the incident, and he said he was unsure he would ever regain the use of his right ring finger, which Merrival also bit in the melee.
Merrival is charged with Willful Injury Causing Serious Injury, and faces a maximum of ten years in prison and 10,000 dollar fine if convicted. 
Merrival was also arrested Sunday morning just after 1:30 after an incident at a J Street apartment.  The alleged victim told police that Merrival became angry when she refused to have sex with him.  Merrival allegedly stood up, flexed, started to grunt and made threats to kill the woman. She picked up a kitchen knife to protect herself, then ran from the apartment.
     Merrival fled the scene but was eventually captured near the intersection of First Avenue and Mall Drive.  He was charged with Assault With Intent to Inflict Serious Injury and Public Intoxication 3rd or Subsequent Offense, both aggravated misdemeanors. If convicted, he faces a maximum of four years in jail and 10,000 dollars in fines.
     Merrival has numerous past arrests, including one in January of 2007 in which he allegedly spiked a woman's drink at a Coralville barbeque and tried to sexually assault her. Merrival was charged with Assault with Intent to Commit Sexual Abuse and Administering a Harmful Substance. A 4th Degree Criminal Mischief charge was added after Merrival's arrest when he kicked a wall at the Coralville Police Department.
    Merrival was also charged with Assault Causing Serious Injury relating to a December 17th, 2006, incident at another barbeque at which Merrival allegedly became drunk and shoved a man against a wall, breaking his collarbone.  Merrival first made news in December 2005 after he allegedly attacked E-M-S personnel trying to help him after a fall at his home.
He currently lists home addresses on Page Street in Iowa City and in Muscatine.

http://www. kcrg. com/news/local/19354119. html

I for one am SICK and TIRED of these black bears coming in from Wisconsin, living off of our DNR tax dollars, and taking the jobs of local wild animals!

And people wonder why the local mauling rate keeps going up...

This one is the gold standard (no pun intended).  It's the one the callers still talk about.  (Well, one of a few...I just haven't posted "Naked Swordsman" yet.)

The best part is, the guy skipped his hearing, meaning when they finally catch him again, the story gets to live through yet ANOTHER news cycle!

Park Pee
Lang
7-16-07

A local transient with a lengthy history of public intoxication convictions has been arrested after police say he urinated on a park bench.

According to arrest records, just after 11:30 yesterday (Sunday) morning an officer on bike patrol saw 64-year-old James Preston Graham laying on a bench at Ned Ashton Park just off Benton Street and Riverside Drive. The officer reported seeing – quote – "a three-foot high fountain of urine coming out of his penis". Graham allegedly had slurred speech, impaired judgment, unsteady balance while standing, bloodshot watery eyes, disheveled appearance and a moderate odor of ingested alcohol. A post-arrest personal breathalyzer test was refused, and Graham was jailed for Public Intoxication. 

The arrest report indicates that Graham has too many prior Public Intoxication convictions to list. If convicted on the latest charge, he faces a maximum of two years in prison and a 5,000 dollar fine.

Please note that he was lying down on the bench, and the urine was going straight up into the air.  The listener (or in the case of this posting, reader) can conclude several things from this:

1) Graham was not wearing any pants or underwear,

2) Since the urine was going straight up, we must assume that Graham was "aroused" at the time of the incident, and

3) Using the "what goes up, must come down" principle, Graham was showering himself with his own urine.

I just feel bad for the next jogger/bicyclist/walker who decided to sit on that bench to catch a quick breath!

Nobody wants to work at 4am on New Year's Day, but this one made it worthwhile.  The pronounciation was a challenge, and I'm not sure I ever got it correct.

The location where it happened should also be no surprise.

Brothers Indecent Exposure
Lang
1-1-08

An Iowa City man faces an indecent exposure charge after allegedly rubbing his genitalia against other patrons in a downtown nightclub early this (Tuesday) morning.

According to Iowa City Police, at about 1am 30-year-old Sridip Mukhopadhyaya (mook-hop-add-high-AY-uh) of North Clinton Street was thrown out of Brother's Bar on the Ped Mall after he was caught with his genitalia out of the top of his pants. Mukhopadhyaya (mook-hop-add-high-AY-uh) had allegedly been rubbing them up against girls in the bar when he was caught by a bartender.

When officers arrived on the scene Mukhopadhyaya's (mook-hop-add-high-AY-uhs) pants were still unzipped. 

Indecent Exposure is a Serious Misdemeanor punishable by up to one year in jail and a 1,500 dollar fine.

Welcome to the first of a series of new postings...The Best of KCJJ News.  I COULD sumbit these to the AP, and some will be submited to the Iowa Broadcasters Association for awards review.   All have made it to KCJJ newscasts.

But really, they also belong here.

So let's begin...

Taco Cart Urinator 
Lang 
5-06-08 

Peeing on a downtown Iowa City food cart has landed an Illinois man in jail. 

Just before 2am this morning witnesses told Iowa City Police that they observed a man urinating on the walking tacos food cart on the one-hundred block of Iowa Avenue. 

Police then made contact with 18-year-old Michael W. Kopsick of Lake Bluff, Illinois. Police say Kopsick had bloodshot and watery eyes, a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on or about his person, and nystagmus...or involuntary eye movement...during field sobriety tests. 

Kopsick refused pre-arrest and post-arrest Breathalyzer tests. He is charged with public intoxication, a simple misdemeanor with a maximum sentence of 30 days in jail and a 500-dollar fine. 

Here's how it sounded on the air:

"I am NOT going to read that e-mail from 'Throwing a football through a tire', because the setup is just that much worse..."

***crumples up paper and moves on to the next e-mail***

Here's what you didn't hear:

I actually feel really proud right now...

In my opinion, "The Brain and The Rectum" was the WORST incarnation of the KHAK morning show EVER!  

(With apologies to my friends Brain and Steele.)

Today started like any ordinary Saturday for me. Roll out of bed around 5am, throw on some sweatpants and head to the radio station to write the news. (Saturdays are a lot less formal at the Double-J than weekdays.)

I altered lead stories each hour between the Mediacom/Sinclair settlement and a plane crash in Grinnell which killed an Iowa City man (34-year-old Blane Anderson) and one other unidentified person. I recorded the overnight updates, headed home, and was back in bed by 10am.

A few hours later I woke up to watch the Iowa/Indiana game, checked my Facebook account and found this:

A quick Yahoo! News search and sure enough:

And there it was. What had been just another story for me was now right there in my "real life".

I'm not going to pretend that I knew Josh very well, as I never saw him for more than three hours every Sunday. Still, it's affected me. After all, he was there for some of my happiest moments of the last year, including the entire playoff run of 2005. (The game against the Colts was a particular high point, as it was just the ten or so of us in a bar full of Indy fans rooting for the ex-Hawkeyes. Especially that emotional roller-coaster between Jerome Bettis fumbling at the one and Vanderjagt missing the game-tying field goal.)

What's odd is that I report stories of death and tragedy every day, with no different a tone than when I read about the latest school chili supper on the Community Calendar. But this one's different now. And as I update the story in the coming weeks with things like who was piloting the craft and FCC accident reports, I don't really know how I'll react. Honestly, it probably won't change much at all.

At least professionally.

Privately, I'm probably going to break out the Troy Polamalu jersey, get together with some friends, put back a few Vine Steins and talk about "next season".

For Josh.

(The following is the brainchild of KCJJ morning show contributor R.L. Bennett, who obviously has WAY too much free time.)

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Cedar Rapids area market:
 
"Cottage Grove Barbie"
This Princess Barbie is only sold at Von Maur.  Comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, Lexus SUV, long-haired foreign dog named Honey and cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.  Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Elmcrest Barbie"
Modern Day Homemaker Barbie is available with Ford WindStar Minivan
 and matching gym outfit.  Gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.
 Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"First Avenue Barbie"
Recently Paroled Barbie comes with 9mm handgun, Ray Lewis knife, Chevy with dark-tinted windows, and Meth Lab Kit.  Model only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills).

"Cedar Rapids Country Club Barbie"
Yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
 Included are her own Starbucks cup, American Express card and country club membership.  Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper.  You won't be able to afford any of them.

"Palo Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, NASCAR T-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder.  Accessories include six-pack of Bud Light and Hank Williams Jr. CD set.  Doll can spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet-Haired Ken's butt when drunk.  Pickup truck sold separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free!

"The Iowa City Socialite 'I'm too good to live in Cedar Rapids' Barbie"
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit
 and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends.  Percocet prescription available, as well as a warehouse conversion condo.

"Kirkwood Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Belton Barbie's house.  Ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and see-through halter-top.  Also available with a mobile home.

"Ped Mall in Iowa City Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu.  She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow .  She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Ped Mall Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

"Metro High Barbie"
This classic Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.  Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass.  Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

"I graduated from Xavier Barbie"
She's perfect in every way.  We don't know where Ken is because he's always hunting or fishing.