we've been in the new house for a month now. Things are going well. 

I had gotten rid of all the dining and living room furniture, so we've been here for a month with no furniture. But it was finally delivered this morning, and its starting to feel like a real home now. Once Camryn's new bedroom furniture gets here it will be complete. Right now she's pretty much living out of rubbermaid boxes.

I've still been throwing things away.....and let me clarify before anyone reports back to Joe's family.....just because I'm throwing things away does NOT mean I'm throwing HIS things away. Although yes, I have thrown away some of his things as well.....but really, if you're interested in old business envelopes, bank statements, cell phone boxes, or any of his other trash.....you're more than welcome to come pick them up off the side of the street next Thursday before the trash men come.

I'm finally starting to feel like this is my life....and my kids new life.....rather than trying to live the same life we lived when Joe was here. I'm finally happy. I can finally see that there is hope for the future. And no matter what anyone does or says....that's not going to change my outlook. I can not and will not remain down because of other people's actions or words. Screw all the negative people in the world...all the people who want to criticize and judge me.....I'm done with it.

People assume it was really hard for me to leave the old house. It was NOT hard. It was one of the best feelings I've ever had. And I will NOT feel guilty for that. That house depressed me....I couldn't stay there. I didn't WANT to stay there. I couldn't get out fast enough. Sure, there were moments during the whole process that were emotional, just like I wrote about on here.....but when it came right down to it....I was ready to walk away.

So we're here. In our new house, in a new town. The kids are LOVING it. There are kids all over our street until the sun goes down. They are outside playing with the other kids the minute we get home from school. Camryn has made lots of friends at her school and also in the neighborhood, and Dylan finally has boys to play with! And Courtlyn has already won the hearts of all of them, both the kids and parents.

And I'm happy too. Not only does it make me happy to see my kids so happy, but I'm just in a better place emotionally. This is MY house, that I bought....just for us. And its clean.....clutter-free. There's a place for all of us.....even Courtlyn. I can now look at the furniture and see what I picked out just for US. I walk outside and see MY truck....the one I bought, by myself for the very first time. And I end my nights by either walking on the treadmill I recently bought, or by tanning. Life is good.

Since Joe first died I've had people make comments that "it must be nice" for one thing or another. It started when I had the help of so many of Joe's friends for different things. They came to hang my christmas lights a few weeks after he died....and I was told "it must be nice to have people just show up at your house to do that....I wish I had someone show up to hang mine" All I could think was.....WHATEVER. I would much rather have my HUSBAND here with me than have christmas lights on my house!

But I've heard that statement over and over from different people at different times...

"it must be nice to not have to work".....ummm, yeah it is. BUT again, I'd much rather have my husband here and be teaching than be left here to raise three kids alone. So, I say to you...."it must be nice to have your husband still alive"

"it must be nice to not have to buy clothes for your kids and have people just give you all of their's".....yes, it is VERY nice. And it is very nice and very generous of the people who have done so.

"it must be nice to be able to buy a tanning bed, new car, new furniture, and a new house"......ABSOLUTELY! I have enjoyed every damn minute of it! But I'm not just sitting back living lavishly either. Two years ago I received a small amount of life insurance and a small amount from the insurance of the man who killed Joe. I listened to all the advice everyone had to offer. I acted responsibly and did what everyone told me to do. I invested every dime of it. There were days when I couldn't afford to put gas in the car to take my kids to the doctor, there were weeks that I couldn't afford to go to the grocery store, and there was a month that we didn't have a/c in our house because I couldn't afford to repair our broken one. But regardless of those hard times....I NEVER touched that insurance money. So back in November I received a statement and almost passed out when I saw that I had lost nearly HALF of what I had invested, due to the economy. I thought long and hard about what I should do. Should I let that money remain there and just pray that things improve and I make the money back....or should I take the money out and put it to use, to help me live day to day. And that's what I decided to do. The car I had was 6 years old, had 100,000 miles on it, and was starting to have MAJOR problems. So I took some of that insurance money and put it down on the TAHOE. A USED Tahoe. I put enough down to make the monthly note $200 less than what I had been paying on the previous vehicle.....making my social security checks stretch out longer for the month. I did the same thing for the house. I accomplished two things by purchasing this house.....I bought my kids out of their half, and now rather than them owning half of this house, its mine.....and their half of the old house was put into trust funds that they will receive at age 18. I was able to do that with the insurance money that had been previously been sitting there  dwindling away. I also took more of the insurance money out to put as much as I could down on this house.....again, lowering my monthly note by at least a little.

Now, the tanning bed? That was a completely irresponsible purchase. But its one I don't regret. I don't spend any money on myself. I don't go out on the weekends. I don't leave my kids with babysitters every weekend. I'm not out shopping all the time. So that was one thing I wanted to do for myself. And damn it don't tell me "it must be nice to have your own tanning bed" That is such an ignorant statement. Its not nice to have your husand ripped from your life. Its not nice to receive social security checks as a reminder. Its not nice that money from my husband's death is what bought that tanning bed. Its not nice that a tanning bed is the only thing I've bought for myself in TWO years. Its not nice that those 15 minutes in the tanning bed in the middle of the night are the closest thing to "alone time" that I ever get. So yes, I know there are a lot of people out there that wish they could have a tanning bed at home.....but guess what? I'd easily trade my tanning bed for the normal life you live with your husband!

The furniture is the final "big purchase". Not for selfish reasons. I HAD to do it.....for my sanity. I could no longer walk through the living room and see the chair that he sat in every night. I couldn't stand sitting on the couch that we bought when we first moved in together. Again, I'd much rather have my old furniture, with him sitting on it.....but that's NOT an option.

So I've done the exact opposite of what everyone wanted me to do with that insurance money. And I'm happy. I used it to try and begin  building a new life for us.....which is exactly what I think he'd want me to do.....I know he'd rather see me do that than barely get by while the money went to hell in the stock market.

In no way am I saying I've made al lgood decisions. I haven't. Its hard living on my own, making decisions on my own. But I'm doing the best I can given the circumstances.

I've learned the hard way that people like to talk. People like to judge. But those people will talk and judge no matter what I do....so why should I care? Not only have a made bad financial decisions in the eyes of some people, but according to some, I've also made bad personal decisions.

That I WON'T deny. But again, I'm just doing the best I can given where I am emotionally right now.  A year ago I was completely wrapped up in my grief....24 hours a day. I didn't sleep. I was taking 2 antidepressants, that didn't even help. I was 100% consumed with taking care of a 11 month old, 3 year old, and 5 year old.....never taking time for myself. I couldn't see how I was would make it to the next day.....much less see that there might be a real future ahead for us.

And now, in the past few months I'm past that. I no longer sit and grieve for joe everyday. I'm finally experiencing life again....like a normal, living person should. I've been betrayed, I've had my heart broken, I've lost friends, and I've made some great new friends along the way. And through all of it I'm thankful.....thankful that I'm not stuck where I was a year ago. All the stress, anxiety, and heart ache of normal life is MUCH better than being stuck in grief.

I'm convinced that its all leading to something. Something wonderful. I don't know what, but its going to be great when its time. I was looking at some pictures of my kids the other day, and all of sudden had this overwhelming feeling of how much God must trust me.....if He has trusted me to raise them on my own. He has given me one of the most difficult paths of life.....but it hit me how amazing that really is. That's HUGE! I'm going to continue doing the best I can. If He believes I can do this, then why should I doubt myself so much? And then I started thinking and finally believing that there really is a plan. I don't know that I'll ever believe that part of His plan was for Joe to be taken. But I do believe that He may have revised the plan upon Joe's death....is that possible??? :) I think all the struggles I've faced, all the heart ache I've gone through....it will all lead to something amazing. I've fallen apart but I've always managed to keep going.....for my kids. I hit rock bottom, and then get back up and keep fighting....keep going. Keeping my faith in God the whole time.

Four days after Joe died was Halloween. I took my kids trick-or-treating and then to Calvary's Fall Festival. Just me, Camryn, and Dylan. I had people offer to come with us. I had people offer to take my kids and let me stay home. And I had people invite us to their house instead. But I did what we would have done if Joe HADN'T died. I had quite a few breakdowns that night. I vividly remember two girls from church who were monitoring a bounce house, running over to me and picking me up off the ground as I collapased in tears. But then I got myself together and did what I needed to make the night as fun as possible for the kids. I had someone tell me that night that they had never seen anyone with such conviction, such faith, as I had shown in those few days since Joe's death. My pastor told me the same thing at Joe's visitation. It was odd to me because I had never been a particularly religious person.....had only started going to church a few months before Joe died. But regardless of my past church attendance, I always had my faith in tact. And that didn't change when he died. After he died I heard lots of people say they didn't even know if they believed in God anymore....I could understand that those words and feelings were coming from grief and anger, but all I could tell them was that this was NOT a time to lose faith in God....that if there was ever a time to believe it was NOW....because HE was the only thing that could get me through it. And I still feel like that today. I've strayed here and there, but I haven't gone far. I'm still here praying, still here waiting patiently for the rest of His plan to be known.

Last week was the first time I'd been to church since February, when I put the house on the market. The message was so clear.....seek God FIRST and the blessings will come. Pastor Rick repeated over and over that God is not a liar, and that He is actually obligated to this. HE said the words and HE will stand by His word. That if you put God FIRST in your life.....not second, not third.....that HE will bless you with great things. I believe this whole heartedly. I believe its the reason we've been blessed so greatly since Joe died. God has been it.....all I've been living for. I turned it all over to Him right from the very beginning.

However, I also believe there is one part of my life I have NOT completely turned over to him. And I've been working on that.

I had my neighbors from Stonewall come visit us today....they wanted to see the house. These are the neighbors who used to cut my grass. They were married after her 1st husband was killed in a car accident. And nothing would make them happier than for me to tell them I was getting married. I have a hard time making them understand that I am a long way from being ready for anything even remotely serious, but they still talk about it. And today as they were leaving he told me "Tracy, you're going to find someone....and its going to be someone sent by God".

I guess we'll see.

For now, the next step is deleting this myspace page. This was it. The public story is over. As nice as its been to have an outlet for venting my grief, my anger, and even some of my happines....its also added a lot of stress and problems. It doesn't matter if I set it to public or private.....there are people that see it or hear about it that shouldn't. There are things I write that get completely misconstrued and next thing I know people are pissed off. Its been 2~1/2 years since Joe died, I'm ready for the rest to be private. So I'm planning on spending the next few days trying to print out all of my blogs.....figured the kids may enjoy reading them some day. And once that job is completed, it will be gone.

Since the day Joe died I have felt betrayed by God in some way. I never lost faith....but definitely felt let down and forgotten by Him. Felt like if He would answer my prayers, things would be easier. I would pray for strength and patience but it never got easier. I would pray for happiness, but that never seemed to happen either. Praying every night for Him to help me get through it....loading my kids up every Sunday morning and Wednesday night to go to church and pray some more. But I couldn't see that any of those prayers were being answered, or even heard. I told someone a few months ago that if everyone who says they pray for me was really praying for me then my life would have to be better than it is.
But this past week I've finally realized that I have not been forgotten by God. That couldn't have been further from the truth. No.....I will never understand why he chose to take Joe from the kids and me. But in the time since.....He has been right here with me. How else could I have made it this far? It hasn't been easy by any means, but we've made it. I've made it.
On Sunday, January 4 we went to church....just like most Sundays. Something unusual happened during that service. Several of the pastors had recently returned from a mission trip and they requested Pastor Rick to pray for those in need just like they do in the streets on these trips. He called anyone to the front that had a special prayer need. About 40-50 people approached the altar that morning.....myself included. All waiting our turn for him to pray for us.....with us. When I appraoched the altar I had no idea what my prayer request was.....I just new I needed to be prayed for. I wasn't able to say I had been diagnosed with a devastating disease and needed prayers, I didn't have a family member struggling with addiction, I'm not fighting infertility.....none of these things applied to me. So I stood there waiting.....wondering what I would say to him. As soon as he saw me he knew why I was there.....he knew I didn't have anything specific I needed prayers for. But at the same time he knew exactly what I needed. He knows me and my situation very well. He officiated Joe's funeral and has followed me and my kids closely ever since. So when he approached me at the altar he gave me a hug and asked how I was.....I told him I was ok, but instantly felt my eyes fill with tears. That morning he prayed for God to give me the strength to do what no one would ever think possible.....for the strength to do things that even I would think were impossible. He prayed for me to be a living testimony to shreveport-bossier. And he prayed for me to have the strength to keep going for my kids.
After the prayers and lots of tears I went back to my seat. And to be honest, after a few days I forgot about that morning at church. But now as I look back I can see that God was listening, and has given me that strength. Was it just coincidence that one week later I decided I was ready to move? Not only did I decide I was ready....I actually had the strength to follow through with my decision.....to start cleaning out this house and the shop.....even the things that were Joe's. And the strength to actually pick up the phone and call a realtor.
Now I can clearly see that the prayers sent up that morning in January were heard......and answered. And this has made me stop and think about the past 2~1/2 years.....all that time when I thought my prayers weren't being answered. And what a difference time has made. How much life has changed recently. And I realize that I was not forgotten by God.....just as the poem "Footprints" says.....He has been carrying me through these past 2 years.....I haven't had the strength to do it on my own, and He's carried me through it each step of the way. And now He's given me the strength I need to do it on my own.....of course, still with Him beside me.....but I feel that I'm no longer being carried. Its like the past few months I've been slowly set back down on my own two feet.....gaining the strength to walk again.

..

I've had a lot of friends want to know what in the world happened this week....why was I so mad and upset? Because honestly, it takes a lot to make me mad. I think everyone can tell that, even if they don't know me personally. I haven't responded to any of the questions because....well, I was just still too mad. But I'm better now....I don't have the time or energy to waste.
And now? Now I'm ready to share it all :) Because afterall, that's what I do right? I've said over and over again, that for me, the best form of therapy is writing...well, and cleaning.
There is a person who came into my life after Joe died. She was the wife of one of Joe's friends. She was there for me, helping me from the first moment he died. Helped me with the kids, helped me around the house, helped with the benefit in Joe's name. She did a lot. I won't take that away from her.
But there has been so much more. There has been drama, there has been arguements, there has been anger to the point of not talking for months. But then somewhere in the back of my mind I feel guilty....guilty because of all the things she did help me with. And so I end up letting go of all the hurtful things she did. Never again.
She has crossed the line many times before......bitching me out as I laid in a hospital bed on morphine.....the very day I had delivered courtlyn by emergency c-section.....the very day my newborn baby almost died from a prolapsed cord.....the very day I faced delivering a baby alone without my husband. Why did she feel the need to do this? Because I had gone to the hospital to be induced without telling her. That's a good reason to attack me right? Whatever. Not only did she disagree with my decision to go to the hospital alone....she also informed me that the reason my baby almost died was because of my decision to be induced. Again, she told me this as I laid in the hospital alone. Not even able to have my newborn baby in the room with me. When she left I managed to get the phone and call my sister crying. All I remember saying was "she told me its my fault this happened" Needless to say, my sister called her right then. I didn't talk to her for several months after that.
But like I said my guilt gets the best of me and I start trying to find the best in people. I was let down by her time and time again though.
In the past few months I have tried to really move on with my life....trying to make a new life that is all mine. I have purposely pulled away from some of the people that I was involved with following Joe's death. I just felt like I would never move on if I was stuck in the same place with the same people. Not that I have cut ties with all of them....soem of them I hope to never lose. But the ones who want to judge me or claim to help me just so they can be in the middle of my business.....I've pretty much cut all contact with.
This friend was on that list. Still talked to her periodically, maybe one or two times a month, but I'd learned not to share too much with her. Not to tell her anything of importance because later it would come back to haunt me.
I have only taked to this "friend" a couple times in the past few months. The last time I talked to her was the first weekend of January. She kept my kids for me. The last time I talked to her was the next morning when I picked them up. When I picked them up she kept wanting to know details about my night out.....I didn't tell her a thing. I knew better.
So this week she got herself right up in the middle of everything again. She managed to get a phone number of someone that she felt had wronged me somehow. She then proceded to call this person (who she doesn't even know) and completely bitch them out for supposedly treating me so terribly. This girl is 36 years old. What 36 year old in their right mind does something like this? Especially when she had NO idea what she was even talking about. If this person was so terrible to me, would I still be in the situation to begin with? No. AND even she was right....wouldn't that be my call to make seeing as I'm a 34 year old adult?
None of this probably makes any sense at all because I'm choosing to leave out so much, but just know this.....I have NO room in my life for the drama she carries with her. I seriously think she needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. And I am done with the guilt over things that she did help me with in the past. That was the past. All she's done for me recently is cause me more stress than I already have.
This was it as far as I'm concerned. She's crossed the line lots of times but this was different. This was something that didn't concern her in the least. And it absolutely crushed me to know that as hard as I'm trying to rebuild my life....a life of my own.....she was still able to get right in the middle of it and ruin it.
I can't even begin to comprehend the motives behind her actions....WHY she thought she should do what she did...........or HOW she could think it was her place....
It all goes back to the blog I wrote back on New Years Eve.....I am ready to start living my life.....it may not be the life people think I should live....I don't care.
In all of her ranting the other night she made the point that I am a strong person....and she is right about at least that one thing, I am.....I'm strong enough of a person to make my own decisions.....I'm strong enough of a person to decide who I want in my life and who I don't ......and I'm strong enough of a person to keep her out of my life.
 
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIQZ0ZkQYRc

A few months ago I wrote a blog about realzing that I no longer wanted to be viewed as Joe's widow. But when it comes right down to it, that's exactly what I've been for two years now. That's all I've been. Or at least that's all I've felt like.
So now, as I'm trying to start over, I'm faced with a lot of new situations and a lot of new people. I kinda feel like a 20 year old out on my own for the first time, trying to find my way....trying to figure out exactly who I am. Because not only have I defined myself as his widow for 2 years, but prior to that point I was his wife. I had been with him for so long that its hard redefining who I am now.
But this week while I've been cleaning out this house, I've been doing a lot of thinking....about myself. I've spent a lot of my time in the past two years thinking.....but most of that thinking has been about other people. What they've done or not done, what they think about me, how much they've pissed me off, about how no one understands, etc. But this week the focus has been on me.....things I've done wrong, things I've done right, who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do with the rest of my life, and my ownership in a lot of the probelms I've encountered.
So, who am I? Well, I'm just a regular girl. A regular girl who just so happened to live through a tragedy. Maybe my life doesn't seem very regular to most people, but really it is. I'm just a girl who happens to be raising 3 kids on her own. I'm a single mom who spends most of her time with her kids. I'm not out every weekend partying with the girls.....I'm usually home taking care of kids. Sure, I would love to get out more, but the priority in the life of this girl is her kids. I'm a girl who has realized that even though life isn't always fair, it will go on....one way or another. I'm a girl who still has the same emotions I had before I was ever married. A girl who can still be hurt, still get upset, and still get pissed off.....just as much as before, regardless of how strong I may try to be. A girl who's tired of being strong. A girl who sometimes just wants to sit and cry....not because of losing Joe, but just because of life in general. A girl who just recently realized that friends are sometimes the only thing that can get you through life.....that laughing with friends can heal just about everything. A girl who doesn't take near well enough care of her self....emotionally or physically. A girl who seldom wears makeup, wears jeans, and puts her hair in a ponytail just about everyday. A girl who prefers hanging out in the backyard, drinking a beer,and playing with her kids rather than hanging out in a bar. A girl that would love to find someone to hang out in the backyard with me and the kids one day. A girl that realizes that there's a very real possibilty that may never happen. A girl who is determined to continue living, but is very nervous about doing so. A girl who can say all the wrong things at exactly the wrong time. A girl who has a hard time putting her feelings into words, even though there's plenty of feelings (good and bad) inside. A girl that has realized  that I can not and will not ever be the best mom in the world. A girl that makes a lot of mistakes. A girl that is scared. A girl that hopefully has a long life ahead of her.....even though I have no idea what the future holds. A girl that can still act as immature as a 14 year old sometimes :) A girl that now realizes that even though I don't want to be considered a widow, I am in fact just that....and that I can't run from it.....its not something I ever wanted to be, but its what I am, its what has made me into the person I am. Its nothing I have to hide, deny, or try to escape. It has made me a little crazier, a little more emotional, a little more pessimistic, a little more hard to understand, and a little more distant and hard to get to know.....but its also made me a little more grateful, a little more caring, a little more accepting, and a little more forgiving.
So that's who I am. Nothing flashy, nothing exciting, nothing extraordinary. Just a regular girl....me.

today the kids and I ran the roads most of the day.....gathering bank statements, talking to mortgage companies, driving around looking at houses....
When we got home around 5pm I cooked them a quick dinner, dealt with the puppy who's in heat and with the other puppy who won't stay off of her, got them ready for bed, and started working on this house. There's no way I can sell it like this.
I have said over and over again that somehow we've acquired too much stuff....I've been working on cleaning out for the past two months. You would think I'd be finished.......hell no. Its just now getting started.
Everyone that comes to my house comments on the amount of "stuff" we have...the amount of toys, the amount of clothes, the amount of movies, the amount of art supplies, the amount of sippy cups, etc...... not to mention the amount of kids and puppies I have on top of all the "stuff"....
I've always claimed that people just didn't understand how much "stuff" it takes when you have three young kids so close in age. Of course I have a lot of sippy cups....they were all drinking out of them at the same time. Of course we have alot of toys....there's a 6,4, and 1 year old. Of course there's a lot of clothes......I save all the ones they outgrow to give to the next one (same with the toys). Of course there's a lot of movies.....Courtlyn still watches things like Barney and Baby Einstein, Dylan is starting his own collection of boy movies, and camryn is now wanting to watch big kids movies. Of course there's a lot of art supplies......first of all that's what my oldest loves to do more than anything in life, but also I have to have three of everything on hand at all times or all hell breaks loose.....3 glue sticks, three pairs of kid scissors, three boxes of colors (because Lord knows they'll all need the same color at the same time), three sets of paint, etc.
So yes, I do have a lot of stuff. But as I started cleaning out tonight I think I started to realize the bigger problem. Its not so much that we have too much stuff, its that I have nowhere to put all the stuff so its taking over my house. Now, the reason I don't have a place for all of it is becoming clearer.
Joe died at the end of October. Courtlyn was born at the end of May....only 7 months later. During that time I was not ready to clean out all of Joe's things, which meant I really didn't have a place for the baby's new things, and honestly at the time I couldn't have cared less about her things, and then as her birth drew closer and closer, I was growing bigger and bigger, taking care of a 2 year old and 4 year old and still in denial and grief stricken over losing my husband. So basically, it never got done. Courtlyn arrived and her stuff literally just piled on top of his stuff. I had lost a person in the house but the house didn't reflect his loss and in addition to that I gained a baby. Also, there was new stuff as a result of his death.....boxes and boxes of things from the funeral home, boxes of cards, a house full of plants that had been sent to the funeral which were all slowly dying because I didn't take care of them, piles and piles of paperwork.....accident reports, hospital records, legal work, new insurance policies, death certificates, lists, phone numbers, financial records, insurance claims, boxes full of things out of his truck, and more.
And before I knew it the house had been turned upside down. Completely opposite of what my house had always been known to be. Before he died I was a stay at home mom, had someone come in and clean every week, and I still managed to clean all day everyday! And now my house, along with my life, had been turned upside down.
It wasn't until this summer that I cleaned out Joe's closet. Got rid of all the clothes. But it wasn't until tonight that I realized that was nowhere near the beginning. Ok, so I got rid of all his clothes. But I still have piles of clothes hangers that all those clothes were hanging on. Why? Why do I still have them? What the hell am I going to do with them? Tonight they're finally in the trash. Also still in his closet was piles of paperwork.....the tablet of paper he had used for work the last week he was alive, the very first phone list I made out as soon as I got the call that he had been killed, the copy of the speech I had written at the very first benefit that was held for us, extra thank you cards, some of his very last gas station and restaurant receipts, piles of flyers from the benefit, business cards of people I don't know, and more. Its all in the trash now. Again, what am I going to do with all that? His cell phone.....trash.
Then I went to the hall closet. Its pretty much full of wrapping paper, gift bags, and other odds and ends. So full that I couldn't get the vaccum in the closet anymore. So I started pulling everything out. For the most part it just needed to be reorganized. But I was still able to find a lot of things that were his. Things I don't need. The box to his camera.....which was ruined in the accident. The box to his cell phone. Happy Father's Day wrapping paper.....trash. I obviously won't be needing to wrap a father's day present for anyone. Mother's Day wrapping paper.....trash. What the hell am I going to do.....go buy and wrap a mother's day present for myself???? There were still a couple of his jackets hanging in there too.....trash.
As I continued making my way through the house I found lots of other things too......a children's Father's Day book, other books that had been Camryn and Dylan's, like "God Gave Us You", "I Love My Daddy", and others....all of which would make me physically ill if my kids asked me to read them. Why the hell do they need a book about father's day???? Trash.
Even the kitchen cabinets were hit. Why do I need 6 coffee cups? There's only one of me. Sure, we had more when he was here. He's not here. I picked my favorite....the rest? Trash.
I cleaned out the pantry. Again, mainly it just needed to be straightend up and reorganized, but even still there were things that would never be used without him here. The man would eat anything. Me and my kids don't. There were things that had obviously been in there since before he died that would remain there forever if I didn't just go ahead and throw them away. What the hell were they even still doing in there? Have I been saving it all just in case he decided to pop in for a visit??????? Trash.
Tomorrow I'll work on the garage. Most of it will end up in the trash as well. And the rest of the week will be the shop. I sold most of his things out of there soon after he died, but there are still boxes and boxes of parts and tools that I have no idea what to do with.....trash. I don't know what else to do with it. Save it forever? Why? Again, I don't expect him to be stopping in to use them any time soon. And I sure the hell don't need them. I've got my screwdriver, a hammer, and a wrench....I should be ok. I don't think I'll be working on the Tahoe anytime soon. And I don't think I'll be building a motorcycle or doing any other mechanical work. It all going to the dump. I have asked people over and over again if they're interested in any of it. Its been over two years and its still sitting here.  I have used the excuse of all this stuff as a reason for not moving for too damn long. I can't stay here just because I'm overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to get rid of. Its all going away this week.
I'm getting the hell out of this house as soon as possible. If I could make it happen tomorrow I would.
 
 
 

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I guess its been a while since I've felt so much hit me at one time.
I woke up this morning with an awful headache from yesterday. Drinking margaritas at 1pm and continuing the rest of the night with beer was apparently not a good idea :)
I decided to take the kids to sci-port. As we were getting ready to leave The wind blew the front door completely shut on courtlyn's hand. Three of her fingers were completely closed in. She was screaming and it took me a minute to realize why. Being the type person who panics over everything, my first thought was that I was going to have to call 911. Luckily I came to my senses and realized that smashed fingers did not warrant an emergency call! I can't even begin to imagine what the paramedics would have thought! lol
Then when we were finally all in the car and pulling out of the drive way I ran over someone's scooter. Completely broke the wheel off. But we headed on.
We finally got to sci-port around 1:00. Played for a little bit and then ate lunch. When we went upstairs to the little kid section I sat down on a bench and all the kids ran off playing. There I was again sitting alone. I completely lost it. I thought back to what I had read when Joe first died.....just simply being sad for the fact of being alone. I talk to lots of other moms who say they understand that feeling of being alone because maybe their husbands don't go everywhere with them and the kids. But the fact is.....Joe did. We always did things as a family.....the zoo, Disney on Ice, sci-port, the fair, the revel, the park, walks after dinner, out to eat, school programs....all of it. Granted, I'm not saying we were perfect.....I'm sure half the time we were probably argueing about one thing or another.....but we were still there together with the kids. So for me to do these things alone is a harsh reminder that I'm alone with these kids.....all the time. I've never been one to love playing with my kids.....I loved watching him play with the kids. And I loved sitting together as we both watched the kids. Having someone to laugh with when they do something funny. Someone to make me laugh when I feel like I'm losing my patience. Someone to have adult conversation with amidst the chaos that comes with having kids. Someone to look at in complete frustration and tell "will you go get him" so that I don't have to be the bad guy every single time.
So I sat on that bench and suddenly started crying my eyes out. Then right there in the middle of sci-port Courtlyn came running out of the little tunnels, smiling as big as she could...I looked at her through my tears and realized she didn't have any pants on. Looked again. Hell, she didn't even have a diaper on. I scooped her up and quickly found her pants and diaper in a pile....exactly where she had left them when she apparently decided to strip naked. I got her dressed and sent her on her way. Then I continued my pity party. I finally decided I had all I could stand, so I told camryn and courtlyn that we were going to walk around to some other areas. I found Dylan driving the little worker truck and asked him if he was ready to go see something else. He said yes. I looked behind me to make sure courtlyn was still there, and when I looked back at the truck Dylan was gone. I turned around in every direction and saw him no where. Asked Camryn if she saw where he went. Nope. I looked over toward the little gate at the entrance. It had been closed when we got there and there had been one girl monitoring it. Well, now the gate was open and there were two employees there....standing several feet away while they talked. OMG! I ran over to them and asked them if they saw a little boy in a LSU shirt leave. They had no idea. Asked me how old he was and his name. One of them left to begin the search for him on the outside and the other one shut the gate while I looked for him inside again. I looked everywhere I could and I told Camryn to look inside all the tunnels, etc. We found him. He was sitting quietly inside a tunnel. He came out looking completely confused at why I was a complete basket case. Apparently when I asked him if he was ready to go see something else he just thought I meant another toy!
Luckily the rest of the afternoon was pretty uneventful. But still I can't figure out for the life of me why we can't just have a normal day around here. Can't I just take the kids out for the afternoon without smashed fingers, broken scooters, emotional breakdowns, naked toddlers, and missing children???? And then of course it all leads me right back to where this started. The fact that things weren't like this when Joe was here. And that even if they were, he would still be here in the middle of it. Helping me, making me laugh (or at least occasionally smile) about something.
As I sat here tonight wondering why I had this complete breakdown today, I thought it had been a long time since I had done anything like that. Then I remembered that it actually wasn't too long ago. It was the night of Camryn's christmas musical. Which had to be somewhere around the beginning of December. Shit. That was only a little over a month ago. Seems like a lifetime ago considering all thats happened since then. Then I realized that since about that time I have not had any grief about Joe to speak of. I even made it through christmas without any sadness at all. THEN I realized the worst thing of all. Am I really that needy of a person that all it took was for one person to walk into my life and shower me with attention to make me forget all my probelms? And the minute all of that is over I'm back to being overwhelmed with grief for my husband?
People tell me all the time that they're amazed by my strength, how inspiring our life is, how they don't know if they could do what I have....hell, the word hero has actually been used before. And the truth of the matter is that I am so far from all of that its ridiculous. In reality I'm just barely holding it all together, and obviously it could all fall apart at any moment.
 

I intended on sharing this picture of a marine's wife beside her husband's casket and wanted to share my thoughts on it, but once I copied it here I realized I don't think I can share my feelings about it....I don't even know if I could put my feelings into words.