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By Brian McNett of Trouser Shock

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Last Updated: 5/14/2008

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Saturday, June 07, 2008

6/6 Brian and Jim’s Last Stand Pt. 4

I'm a liar. I said in the last "Brian and Jim's Last Stand" that it was the final installment. I lied. This is the final one... maybe!!! Anyway, in case you're new to the blog, the first three installments take place 2/23, 2/28 and 3/2. So, feel free to read those first or, if you already have read them, you can re-read them since they are so good and funny! Either way, you should read them all several times.

Okay, so, Last Comic Standing has begun airing on NBC and, as it turns out, Jim and I were in the first episode! Yep! Even though the whole waiting in line thing was a complete and total sham, we managed to be on NBC for almost 5 seconds! In case you still have it Tivo-ed (and why wouldn't you), we are in the episode when they are at the Tempe Improv and they are showing this guy dancing around like a jackass outiside. No, Jim nor I are the jackass, but we a standing and watching in the background in the upper right-hand corner. Three days of waiting in line and that was our reward.

The only cool thing was that we got to see some comics, with which we have worked, make more of a showing on a national comedy show than us. Some worse, some better, but still, good for them!

Here's what made me mad about the first episode (which happened to be the Tempe Improv episode)... all those people that were dressed in costumes that were planted by NBC that weren't stand-up comdians at all, got all sorts of TV time! But the part that made me really mad was when the VERY FIRST "COMEDIAN" got on-stage to perform (another plant that was dresses like a crazy, gym-guy or something), yelled out, "I've been waiting in line for 2 days so you get this!" Then he started running around screaming and taking his clothes off.

Look, I'm fine with NBC editing and lying to create the illusion that all the comics that performed were not people with appointments and plants and they were actually people who waited in line for 2 days (like we did), just don't have the first guy get up on-stage and say it! Because he didn't! He got there at 2pm, the day of the auditions! Hell, he is probably an actor that lives in Tempe, that had to roll out of bed around noon, put on a costume and drive over to the Tempe Improv and act like a liar for 3 minutes. Awesome.

Don't watch Last Comic Standing, please. At least not until next season, when Jim or I get on it and we have forgiven them, because we're hypcrites who don't stand by our convictions.

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Saturday, May 03, 2008

5/2 Stand Up In My Apartment

Brian and I have been making a stab at this stand up thing. I say making a stab in the way that stabbing something can just be kind of desperate, and also, stand up also has a knife. It's kind of like that scene in "Saving Private Ryan". Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......

We created a web series that we've been uploading onto "Funny or Die". It's all about a comedy club I start in my apartment. In addition to the boys in Trouser Shock you will also see the very funny Dirk Voetberg and Graham Elwood. Why would an actual comic with credits like Graham do a gig at my apartment? Let's just say I know things. Why would Dirk do it? Let's just say he knows things.

There are three episodes up right now, more to come. Please visit and enjoy.

Evening At The Jim's Apartment

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

4/21 Trouser Shock’s Latest Video!

As many of you, our loyal fans, have noticed, Trouser Shock has been doing very little lately. I have barely been blogging. We haven't posted any new videos. Hell, lately, we haven't even been on a fantasticly popular sketch-comedy TV show on a national network! Well, I'll explain it all, right here, in this blog.

A short while ago, Trouser Shock decided we should take it upon ourselves to do a major film/video project. After we took some time off from Stupidface, we got the bug to endure another major project. Jim and I had been focusing on our stand-up comedy, others needed some personal time and Tom needed time to sit around and read nerd message boards or something. Anyway, after this hiatus, Trouser Shock decided it was high time we did another project!

That project was a spoof of Around the World in 80 Days. You know, that book you had to read in 6th grade or something? The one you don't remember very well? Yeah... that one! Actually, the movie we made is more of a satire and less of a spoof. Based on the unparalleled success of Martin Did It, we decided another time piece would be in order.

Basically, we wanted to make a high-quality film, well, as high-quality as we could create on a shoe-string budget, under the leadership of Jim Bruce and Tom Griffin. Tom took on more of the Director role and Jim took on more of the Producer role. Jim did all of the location scouting and costuming, a daunting task to say the very least. Meanwhile, Tom was in charge of the script, from start to finish, and, of course, the actual filming of Around the World in 80 Days.

Little did Trouser Shock know what they were getting themselves into! First, we had to re-cast a major role with Paul Goebel (yes! that Paul Goebel!) which pushed back filiming an extra week. Then, what we thought we could shoot in 4 weekends, stretched out to over 6 weekends, plus, another weekday night for re-shoots! In addition, upon final edit, the video ended up being shorter than we thought. So, in sum, twice as long to shoot a video that ended up being shorter than we intended!

Although this video may sound like an odd project for Trouser Shock to do, you'll understand once you see it. The video doesn't require you to remember Around the World in 80 Days nor does it require you ever having read the book at all! After watching it, you'll realize, despite the kind of project it was, it is a Trouser Shock video all the way! Enjoy... oh, and vote funny!!!

Around the World in 80 Days

...

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Tuesday, April 08, 2008

4/8 Dane Cook is Funny, You’re Not!

As has been stated in this blog, Jim Bruce and I have been doing a lot of stand-up lately, almost to the point of still not getting paid! I’m sure we’ll be famous stand-up comedians real soon, but, in the meantime, we are having lots of fun at open-mics and unpaid, booked shows.

One of the things that has bothered me about these comedians, at these open-mics, is they seem to make fun of other, successful comedians. One of the more common themes is that other comedians seem to think that Dane Cook isn’t funny. The critique is that he doesn’t really have any jokes and he just moves around a lot. That is very understandable. There are many comedians that I don’t find very funny or funny at all, just as there are certain sit-coms or rom-coms that I don’t enjoy. It’s all about personal opinion, whether you are a comedian or not.

Here’s my problem... when you are an unsuccessful comedian, say, a comedian performing at an open-mic or some other unpaid gig, you’re not allowed to make fun of another, WAY more successful comedian! It makes you look like an idiot! I’m not talking about a discussion over dinner or some blog (blogs? who writes those?) you wrote. I’m talking about doing jokes about how Dane Cook isn’t funny during your 5-minute set at Brandee’s Coffee Shop in Costa Mesa.

You need to understand that you are not successful. Dane Cook is successful. You are trying to attain the success of Dane Cook. Therefore, you cannot make fun of him until you are, at least, more successful.

Listen, just focus on being funny. Don’t worry about whether or not Dane Cook is funny. Save all your great jokes about how Dane Cook isn’t funny for when you are sitting around drinking with your buddies. They will love it. Go ahead, make fun of Carlos Mencia while you’re at it, it’ll be your closer.

Anyway, my thoughts are these... I don’t care how certain comedians became successful. Maybe they are really funny, maybe they were just in the right place at the right time, maybe they are more charismatic or good-looking, maybe they had a hook, I don’t care! Good for them! But I don’t have to watch their shows and I, surely, don’t need to make fun of them on-stage when I am a nobody and they are a somebody and their somebody-ness is exactly what I am trying to achieve. Also, I watched some Dane Cook stand-up the other night and I’m pretty sure he is funny.

If you want to see Jim and myself perform, we will be at the HaHa Cafe in North Hollywood on Sunday, April 13th at 9pm (Jim will be hosting and I will be performing) and we will be co-hosting at Scoreboard Bar & Grill in Pomona on Wednesday, April 16th at 8pm. Message us for more deet-deet-deets.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

3/12 First Brett Favre... Now This! Pt. 2

As was stated in the previous blog, Bev Haut "retired" from stand-up comedy. I was not planning on writing a 2nd part to the blog, but the saga continued and became WAY too hilarious to not continue on, so...

Last Saturday, Jim and I (and Zap and Nitro) were going to perform at our regular open-mic at Brandee’s Coffee which is booked/run/hosted by the person that, supposedly, has a restraining order against Bev. Thus, for at least part of my set, I was going to joke about Bev’s retirement.

Then, all-of-the-sudden, a certain person (who will remain nameless for the purposes of anonymity) showed up to the open-mic, whom I thought was a good friend of Bev’s. Therefore, I decided against bad-mouthing Bev, for reasons of diplomacy. Boy, was I wrong! This person devoted almost their entire set to making fun of Bev and her purported retirement! Very much akin to the previous blog.

So, that was fun and Jim and I were glad to see that we weren’t the only people to take an unliking to Bev. Then, just today, some person by the email name, rosie.girthy, posted a response message to Bev’s retirement message on the SoCal message board. Here it is, unedited. The top 10 is Bev’s reason’s for leaving comedy and the italics are Rosie Girthy’s response to those...

how about these top ten?

10. It’s time to expand my core group of friends to include a few people who aren’t nearly as funny as I am, plus there’s no contests.

your funniness is a zero on a scale of 1-10. thus, everyone is more funny than you already, so you will now have no friends.

9. It’s not that I’m too high to get on stage ~ the stage is too fucking high for me to get on, and I’m not getting any taller.

nope. just rounder!

8. I’m tired of watching American Idol, Dancing with the Stars and Moment of Truth on TiVO; it takes away all the excitement of the *live* show.

yeah. cause those shows are soooo exciting live as well.

7. To continue my policy of avoiding a certain abusive, psychotic woman who lies and tells people that she has a restraining order against me for "stalking." No, dear, deleting all 483 of your MySpace profiles from my friends list, unsubbing from your weekly witless "I am the greatest discovery in the world" e-mail, and trying to avoid your crazy ass – that’s called "not stalking." Get some therapy and give everybody a break from your massive control issues. (GOD, that felt good. If I go to hell, that right there might’ve been worth it.)

i bet you now get exactly 1000% less emails in your inbox. goddamn the person who created the "automatic reminder"

6. I like cake, and I’m tired of taking out my teeth. You can eat pudding without your uppers, but you can’t eat cake.

this has nothing to do with comedy. at all. fact is, this sentence doesn’t even make grammatical sense. this sentence hurts my brain. just like all your other jokes. btw, taking out your teeth isn’t comedy. there is nothing funny about making everyone in the audience physically sick.

5. Since I bought that Canon HV20 hi-def 40gb hard drive camcorder, I really hate taking it anywhere beer is served, so I’ve signed up for a workshop at Tall Mouse to learn how to mount it in a shadow box.

.... and tall mouse goes out of business in 5...4....3.. ..2...

4. Now that I’m permanently retired on disability, I can monitor things down here in South Orange County – very high on the terrorists’ wish list, what with the huge concentration of stupid white people driving SUVs they don’t know how to drive. Or park. Or unpark.

great. good to know my hard earned tax dollars are going to support your fatass’ weed habit. those stupid white people driving SUVs they don’t know how to drive or park or unpark pay you for being overweight and thus having bad knees and hips and jokes. maybe you should have some appreciation for those who commute to work to pay you to be fat, lazy, and high.

3. Bill Word, Johnny Dam and Luggnutz all offered me $10K for my complete library of material, so I sold it to all three of ..em, and now I’m going to Hawaii for 3 weeks in September! You guys can sort it out.

amazingly as much as i hate your wanna be comedy, this will actually make those three funnier.

2. I’m really tired of that bitch Britney Spears acting out scenes from my life, and if I get out of the limelight now, maybe she’ll stand a chance.

hack. hack. hack. hack. hack. hack. hack. hack. hack. hack. hack. hack. hack. hack. hack.

1. Because I promised. More people should keep their promises. Earth would be a lot better place to live.

now you quit comedy, the earth is a better place. though to be honest, you have to start comedy to quit it. standing on stage making people have nightmares about under boobs isn’t funny.

So, that was it. Surprisingly, many, many people quickly came to the defense of Bev (none to Bill, Johnny or Lug) and stated that Rosie is a horrible person who needs to apologize. They, also, claim that Rosie will never get booked in this town again, "whoever you are." So, basically, no one knows who Rosie is, but, nonetheless, they are very mad at her. I agree, it was mean to post that on a message board of 1000 members, but Bev did kinda suck.

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Saturday, March 08, 2008

3/7 First Brett Favre... Now This!

"People! People! This is how to leave a voicemail..."
- Bev Haut

Well, for those of you who haven't heard, Bev Haut is retiring from the stand-up comedy circuit. Who is Bev Haut, you ask? She is one of the many regular open mic-ers that Jim Bruce and I stumble across in the rooms across Orange County. In case you never got a chance to see Bev's stand-up comedy, then, regardless of what you were doing at the time, it was definitely funnier. Although there are expectedly low expectations for the comedy level at open-mics, because of Bev's retirement, Orange County open mics just got a little bit funnier. When I told Jim of the news, he said, "It doesn't count as retiring from comedy, if you weren't doing comedy to begin with. That's like saying that I can retire from baseball."

Bev had about 12 minutes of material. 8 minutes was about how she was a whore or a slut or would suck your dick ands pull out her dentures (the joke being that she is a 60 year-old woman, a shock-value thing) and the other 4 minutes was about how to leave a voicemail.

Here's what makes me so mad about Bev... because she had some sort of "pull" at these open mics, she always went on before me and, consequently, would leave before I ever performed. Therefore, I saw her stupid, shitty act like 50 times and she has never seen me perform, not even once! That is very frustrating, and it's not exclusive to Bev (there are a few other open mic-ers that fall in the same category). Even though her jokes are not funny and don't get a response, she just keeps on performing them anyway. Rewrite them? Why do that? Keep saying them over and over again, as if repetition is the solution? Yeppers! Write completely new jokes that could be funny instead of sticking with the ones that definitely aren't working? Sure thing!

The real question is why would someone, with no stand-up comedy success at all, announce her retirement a la Brett Favre? Because she's nuts. Supposedly, she is/was at odds with another open mic-er by the name of Norma Jean. So-much-so, that, apparently, Norma Jean had a restraining order against Bev for stalking-type reasons. As it turns out, this was one of the many reasons that led to Bev's retirement. Thus, I would like to thank Norma Jean. She did Jim and I the service of never having to see Bev perform "comedy" ever again.

Just so you know, Jim and I aren't this mean to all of the other open mic-ers. There are only a select few, and Bev happened to be one of them. We are very patient with anyone else who is persuing the same goal as we. However, Jim and I work on new jokes, re-write jokes and don't do the same material over and over again for the same people like Chinese water torture. We may never have any real success in stand-up comedy, but, at least, we're not Bev.

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Monday, March 03, 2008

3/2 Brian and Jim’s Last Stand Pt. 3

Let's see... I left off somewhere around the auditions part...

So, basically, they made us go back to the other side of the building, like dogs, like comedy dogs, like Air Bud, except less talented. As we re-waited in line again, they started getting some more footage of people standing in line, just like they did in the front, but this time in the back. They also started doing some interviews with specific people in line, however, not Jim or myself. I tried to avoid it completely. While Jim did not try to avoid it, but also didn't extra-try to get interviewed. There were plenty of other faggots doing that for us. If they actually use any of the footage they shot, there should be these 2 guys (who tried to get in front of every camera and get in every shot) in every shot. They didn't film for very long, an hour at most, before Bill Bellamy and Fern ( ya' know, Fern!) left to go some place better.

Finally, they called the first batch of people to go audition. Shortly thereafter, they called the next batch of people with included us! After 2 days of waiting in line and sleeping on the sidewalk and everything else, we were finally going to audition! We weren't sure what to expect. I had read in some blogs and message boards that they interview you and you only do one joke or you do 2-minutes or any or all of those, we weren't sure what to expect exactly. As were waiting outside of the room to audition, we found out that you only get 30 seconds. Fantastic! Time to think of a bit that's only 30 seconds! I don't really have many one-liners, nor do I really have any 30 second bits. Nevertheless, Jim and I both thought of 30 seconds to do and mentally prepared to perform it.

They call us inside the room, which looks like an almost all-the-way painted, rundown office, in which there is only one judge and a folding table, very professional. We hand the judge, a sexy lady, our applications and out of order, she has Jim, and then myself, perform. We did well enough and the lady informed us that they would call by 1pm, if we advance. It was only 11am. Yippee! TWO full hours of stewing! So, Jim and I and a friend from the line all go to eat pizza (a.k.a. the patience or waiting food as it is known in Italy). After we all eat our pizza and take dumps, we head back over to the Improv to see if anyone got called yet. No one seems to have received a call yet.

Then it is past 1pm and no one seems to have been called yet. It appears that the auditions aren't done yet and no one would have been called. Fine. Then another half-hour passes and no one seems to have been called yet. Still making decisions, we're told. Then 2pm comes and no one has been called yet. Now, worry is setting in full blast since pre-auditions and appointments are lining up for the 2pm auditions. Also, lots of people in funny costumes are lining up. So, you know how in the audition episodes of LCS, there are crazy people in costumes auditioning and being really bad? Yeah, those are fake. At least in Tempe they were. So, if you see giant samurai guy, guy in a Pippy Longstocking like costume, guy dressed like an old, cat-lady, guy in jogging suit or scary, clown guy, those are all plants.

Anyway, 2:15 rolls around and eventually some LCS related lady tells us that, if we haven't been called, we can go home. So, yep, no one who waited in line got called back for the 2 minute audition. Basically, the whole thing was a farce. They just want to create the illusion that thousands of people wait in line and, eventually, one of those undiscovered talents made their breakthrough. Nope, rather, the audition is a bunch of seasoned, professional comedians and some fakes for entertainment.

So, in sum, we didn't need to get there nearly as early as we did, since, I believe, all of the people in line got to do 30 seconds. We slept at the back of the Improv, which they had never done in the previous 5 seasons, where there would be street construction both nights. AND our audition was a farce! They never had any intention of advancing any of us!

Awesome. So, yeah, that was it. Watch LCS, if you want to, but don't believe all the lies they dish at you. Watch it because you want to see which 10 year road comic wins this year.

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Thursday, February 28, 2008

2/28 Brian and Jim’s Last Stand Pt. 2

Well, Jim and I are back from our "auditions" for Last Comic Standing. In sum, we didn't advance. So, if that's all you wanted to know, you can stop reading. If you want to know all the hillarious specifics, continue on...

Jim and I drive in to Phoenix from L.A. on Sunday. We left around 10am, our time, and arrived in Phoenix around 6pm, Arizona time. We promptly went out to dinner at Outback Steakhouse (No rules, just right) with my family. All of that was great. After dinner, we called the Tempe Improv to see what the deal was with the line for Last Comic Standing. The lady Jim spoke with said that people were already lining up. So, we grabbed my dad's camping gear and headed down to The Tempe Improv. When we got there, there was already 40 people in line ahead of us. We patted ourselves on the back for being so smart and getting there so early (around 9pm) to ensure an audition... for 2 days from now.

Then the street construction started. I don't know if you've ever slept on the sidewalk in a sleeping bag with neon lights glowing in your face while street construction is going on, but it's not very comfortable. Surprising, I know. And, as we expected, more people showed up after us to start camping out that night. Three. Three more people showed up after us that night. It became immediately evident that we could have slept in beds at my parent's house and shown up in the morning. But, oh well. Eventually, the construction stopped and we slept well enough.

We woke up in the morning around 8am. Boy, I wonder how long the line is now? 10 more. Yep. Well, now it appears we could've slept at my parents house, eaten a hearty breakfast, watched some TV, gone to lunch with my friends or family and strolled down The Tempe Improv around noon. But, then some good news! Some guys at the front of the line started a list to try and make sure that no one was cutting in line and stuff like that. So, the guy with the list comes around and tells us that in the other auditions in the other cities, Last Comic Standing came around to film the line for a couple hours the day before and then gave us all numbers (much like an old timey deli) to come back tomorrow. Awesome! Except for the part where that never happened.

We just kind of hung out all day, on a sidewalk, near the street. Jim slept for awhile like a parakeet, sitting straight up in a chair with his sweatshirt over his head. We, basically, just slept, ate food and drank soda all day. At some point, the guy with the list came around to inform us that the list was up to 59 people! Yay! 17 more people came after us in the last 16 hours!

But then the tide turned! Around 7pm, they started setting up for a radio show to be hosted by a couple of guys who were waiting in line with us. That seems like good news, until you realize that the guys hosting the show are no better than anyone else in the line. You see, Last Comic Standing has appointments for auditions for semi-real and real comedians. That's so these better comedians don't have to sleep on the sidewalk for 2 days and so LCS can load the show with professional comedians that appear that have auditioned regular-style like us two jerks. Therefore, if guys in line are hosting a radio show. That means they couldn't get an appointment and that means there's a good chance they ain't any good.

Boy, was I right! This radio show, which was hosted by 2 comedians, and was a comedy show was like listening to the prattle of the dead. This is how bad it was... they have something called the Gasshole award (one of the hosts was named Gass) which goes to an asshole of a criminal (get it!). You may have heard of this premise as done by many other radio shows and TV shows. Anyway, their "Gasshole" of the year for 2007 (which, for some reason, they were playing in February of 2008) was awarded to a fake call! No, not a prank call, but a completely and totally fake phonecall created by some other comedian as a joke! My Phoenix friends, Amanda and Janice came to hang out with us for that night (lucky them) and confirmed that the radio station these 2 Gassholes were on, was not much of a radio station. Thank God. The radio show so loud and annoying that we routinely had to take a break from it and walk around aimlessly just to get some peace.

Then the street construction started again. It was funnier this night since it, at times, was kind of ruining the live radio show OR as I like to say, made it better. But the funniest part was when the Gasshholes interviewed this lady from the Improv and she said that this is the first time they ever had the line start at the back of the club by the street instead of in front of the club away from the street WHERE THERE WAS CONSTRUCTION GOING ON BOTH NIGHTS! HAHAHAHAHA! Good one, Improv! You are the Last Comic Standing!

Eventually, the 4-hour radio show stopped and we were able to fall asleep. Jim and I woke up around 6am (the auditions were to start at 8am) and took a Mexican/Polish/Russian shower in the public restroom and got something to eat. Finally, some people from LCS showed up and handed us applications (which had a number on it) and told us we were going to move around to the front of the club. Yay! Just like where we should've been all along! So, we move and they film us in line cheering and crap. Then they had Bill Bellamy and Fern (some comedianne from England) climb into a hot air balloon in the middle of the parking lot to pretend that they had arrived in Tempe that way. In reality, they got about 10 feet off the ground and seemed pretty unsettled that even that was going on. We pretended to wave and be excited about their arrival. Then, and this is hillarious, they had us run away from the balloon as if they were about to run into us. I don't have a lot of movie-making experience, but I can't imagine ANY of that footage is usable, as only half the people ran, and the half that ran stopped after 10-feet. It should make for some great TV!

Then we lined up for the auditions...

Read all about that in the 3rd and final installment, coming soon!

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Sunday, February 24, 2008

2/23 Brian and Jim’s Last Stand

As I'm sure you inferred from the blog title, Jim and I will be heading out to Tempe, AZ tomorrow to audition for NBC's Last Comic Standing! Although we are very, very famous and very, very popular and well-known comedians, we did NOT get a recommendation for an audition. Thus, we will be auditioning old school style... by getting there very early and waiting in line! We're not sure how early we will need to start waiting in line to ensure an audition, but we may get in line as early as tomorrow night (Sunday the 24th) for the audition on Tuesday (the 26th)! This should be no big deal for Jim, because he commonly sleeps in allies, but I, on the other hand, hate camping.

But Brian, you ask, "You and Jim both live in L.A. I'm sure there was an audition there, so... ?" Excellent question! Firstly, we were aware of this thing you are thinking, however, the date kinda snuck up on us and we sorta forgot. Secondly, shut up your mouth! The not terribly illogical thing about venturing to the Phoenix area to audition for LCS is that my family lives in Phoenix and I can visit with them. Jim's family that he loves a lot and has a great relationship with are mostly in Tucson, but we won't be seeing them at all.

Ultimately, our goal is to make it to the final 2 people and we both have amazing comedy careers from that point on. But, if that for some reason does not happen, I want to be one of those people that when the camera pans across the stage, when they are about to announce the people who advance to the house in Las Vegas or where-ever, that is the first and only time you see me. Sure, I passed one, if not several auditions to make it to the showcase for that night. And, sure, I performed for several minutes that night. But the only time you see me is when all the comedians are on stage waiting to see if they advance. See, in my head, at that time, I'm thinking that maybe they'll call my name. But if you're watching the show, you'll think, "Well, that brown-haired white guy is not going to advance. That's the first time I've seen him." That's who I want to be. Or the winner. Either way.

I'll let you know how it went, when we get back. Wish us luck, because we're sure not going to win by being funny.

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

2/18 Brian McNett Doing Some Stand-up Comedy

Jim Bruce and I have been doing a lot of stand-up comedy lately. Here is a clip of me at the Ha Ha Cafe in North Hollywood tackling some tough issues such as Mt. Everest and kids television. Jim will be performing at the Laugh Factory tomorrow in real Hollywood, message him for more details and tickets and stuff. Anyway, here goes...

Check out this video: Brian McNett Doing Some Stand-Up

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Sunday, February 10, 2008

2/10 Jim and Brian’s 1st Paid Stand-up Gig!

That's right! Jim and I are no longer sludging through the ranks of amateur stand-up comedians, we are now, officially, professionals! Surprisingly, we were discovered and paid at the most unlikely of places, Brandee's Coffee Shop in Costa Mesa. Clearly, word was gettting around Southern California that Jim and I were highly popular regulars at this open-mic-style comedy event that takes place in the early afternoon on Saturdays.

Jim and I were just sitting in our normal sittin' spot at Brandee's yesterday, an hour or so before the show, when out of nowhere a comedy paying angel appeared. It was some guy named Ryan, I think, who was doing a thesis for his advanced communications degree. Anyway, he asked, rather, implored us to fill out his questionnaire about failed stand-up comedy jokes. AND, for our trouble, he would pay us $5, not for both, but each!

I'm not sure why someone was so embarrassed to officially book us and pay us for performing at Brandee's Coffee that they would have to come up with some fake research project or something, but they did. Anyway, Jim and I have decided to start stealing from the tip jar at Brandee's after every show, so, we can have a regular paying gig.

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Thursday, February 07, 2008

2/7 It’s That Time of Year!

Well, in case you haven't been checking your calendars, it's that time of the year again! Yep, you guessed it! It's the annual re-opening of the Natalee Holloway case! For those of you who don't remember, Natalee Holloway is the 18 year-old Misissippi high school senior who disappeared in Aruba while on her senior trip in 20005.

Now, new evidence has surfaced in the past couple days in the form of a confession from one of the lead suspects, Jordan Van der Sloot, that he was there at the time of Natalee's death (Van der Sloot's friends Deepak and Satish Kalpoe were also suspects). Again, this will probably not lead to any official arrest or, ultimately, any kind of conviction. Look, it's very tragic that Natalee died, I agree. But here's the deal... when you go on a senior trip to Aruba or Mexico or the Caribbean, you party, you get drunk, you have ill-advised unprotected sex and, yes, sometimes you get pushed off the side of a cliff into the ocean by a white guy and his two Indian friends. It's all part of the package.

I don't know what race or ethnicity or whatever generally constitutes Aruba, but I guarantee you it's not 2/3's Indian. That should be you first clue that you're in for a murderin'. What other reason would Indians have for being in Aruba? Look, I don't have anything against Indians. Just the Indians residing in Aruba who are being a 3rd and 4th wheel with their white, Dutch friend hitting on some blonde chick from the States.

Anyway, I hope the best for the Holloway family. I hope they find Natalee or the murderer and can, therefore, have some closure. I, also, hope that they re-close the case and re-open the case several more times, because I'm running low on blog topics.

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Saturday, February 02, 2008

2/1 Breakfast at Subway

Finally! Subway is open for breakfast! For years, I've been going to Subway and ordering my footlong BMT and thought, "Why can't I have this for breakfast?" After all, Subway has always had bacon, which is only a whisper away from being able to have a breakfast menu. Breakfast condiments like butter, maple syrup and jams seem incomplete in total without italian dressing and mayonaise. Thank you, Subway!

In addition to being able to get their full sandwich menu, they also serve breakfast things. I would not suggest ever eating anything that looks like breakfast at Subway. Here's why... you know how at other fast-food places, like McDonald's, Taco Bell and Carls' Jr, they microwave or boil their food? In case you didn't know that, they do. Sure, the burger has grill marks, but it was boiled. Anyway, at those places, it looks like they could have freshly grilled your food. They probably didn't, but it looks like they may have, at least, been able to, because they have a whole bunch of grill and cooking looking things back there behind the counter. So, you don't mind eating it.

Well, you can't convince yourself of that at Subway. They have 2 cooking mechanisms. That shitty oven they use to toast your sub and those giant, refridgerator-sized bread-makers. That's it. There's nowhere in that place that they can scramble eggs. All of their new breakfast items incorporate scrambled eggs. Where you scrambling them, Subway? At least McDonald's has the decency to cook eggs on-site (and then put them in a heater for awhile until you order it, but that's beside the point)!

Anyway, Subway serves breakfast now. Don't ask me why, they just do. Don't eat breakfast at Subway, if you want Jesus to love you.

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Monday, January 21, 2008

1/21 Brian and Jim’s Big Score

Guest Blogger: Jim Bruce

As you are all no doubt aware, all of the members of Trouser Shock have started doing stand up. Whether it's John laughing it up at the Pennsylvania Giggles, Paul yuking it up at the Detroit Hee-hees or Tom titering away at the Pomona Airprort laughing it up, we're all enjoying a brief diversion from the Trouser Shock empire.

Brian and Jim recently scored pretty big at a local open mic. An open mic, for those not in the know, and believe me, we're in the know. If anybody is in the know, it's us. How dare you suggest we aren't in the know. Oh, we know, we know. For those not in the know, an open mic is a place where there is a mic, and it's open, and all that this implies.

Brian and I did our "set". In the business, we call it a "set". If you aren't in the business, you say "why didn't you tell me there was a two drink minimum" or "parking kind of sucks." Well, I felt pretty good about it, I must say, what with the not falling down or dropping anything, and the club must have been pretty impressed as well, because I was invited to do a regular set at a paid show.

A few minutes later I happily discovered that my friend Brian (from Trouser Shock) was also invited to a regular show. No surprise to me, because he had also had a wonderful fall free set, two pros are we.

Just after my set and prior to Brian's was a very funny fellow. So funny that the club invited him to do a regular set. He certainly was great. Almost as great as the guy after Brian. He was so funny the club invited him to do a regular set.

Certainly a few people didn't get invited to do regular sets, this is a very exclusive thing you see. Luckily those people were entered into a drawing for a regular set.

It's safe to say we've made it. By which I mean, it's safe to say most things, there is no fundamental danger in saying words unless they are part of a gypsy curse.

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Friday, January 11, 2008

1/11 So Many Apologies, So Little Time

Guest Blogger: Jim Bruce

It's been a rough couple days for Trouser Shock. Yesterday we were driving in the Trousie Mobile solving mysteries when Brian (who was driving of course) got distracted and accidentally hit the motorist in front of us. It was a minor fender bender and we thought we would simply apologize and continue on solving the groovy mystery of the 7 dead kids, but we couldn't apologize to the guy. You see, the guy in the other car was an African American, and as you all know it is now only possible to apologize to Al Sharpton for anything that happens between you and anyone of color. The guy in the car, Sam, explained that he would love to accept our apology, but the law is the law.

Within minutes we had heard that an apology wasn't enough. Al Sharpton was demanding we be fired and prevented from ever holding gainful employment again for the hate crime of hitting Sam's car fender. Luckily we are by and large unemployed alcoholics, but we were worried we might get fired from drinking, so we set off to make things right.

On our way to Harlem, which is where we think Al Sharpton lives, we decided to stop off at a local diner. Big mistake! Jim ordered a big piece of apple pie, quite delicious, but it turned out this was the last piece of apple pie, and the father of a family of eight was now denied the opportunity to enjoy his apple pie. Suddenly we had to take a detour to Utah, because as you know, if you've wronged the white father of a family over the size of four you have to apologize directly to Donny Osmond. The father didn't think it was that big of a deal, he was fine with cherry pie, but the law is the law. Meanwhile the mystery of the ghost pirate rapists of funky cove remained untouched, and I needed to look for clues!

I will certainly admit that I was frustrated at this point. Still, we should not have made the pit stop at the Indian Casino, because given what John did it was critical that we apologize to Daniel Day Lewis, and we really had no idea where he might be. Then, what with Tom saying dirty Italian this and dirty Italian that, we had to deal with Chef Boyardee getting all up in our grill, despite the fact that both we and the Harlem Globe trotters were busy trying to sort out just who the pedophile priest was in our latest mystery.

Luckily we were able to solve the whole thing when Sharpton, Boyardee and Donny were tied up by cowboy ninjas and we rescued them. It was really funny at the end when I put on the cowboy hat and scared Brian, who had said he knew they were fake all along. It was less funny when in his panic he shot me in the face. Well, live and learn. No open casket for me!

Oh, and in a related story, a lady golf announcer was suspended for making a joke about Tiger Woods, even though Tiger Woods says he and the lady have been friends for years and this was a non issue. Good job Al Sharpton, racism is solved.

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