You know – I'm quite sick of working for a living.

I've decided that as I cannot change the world, better my fellow man, heal the environment or lead by example, I want money. Lots and lots and lots of money. The kind of money that makes activists ill, makes nipples hard, and acts like a magnet for commercial real estate brokers. And, I want to aquire it in a manner that pisses people off, makes me laugh and leaves my father shaking his head.

The problem is, I don't want to work for it. My passion is the method, the meaning. I have an intense and present desire to thumb my nose at the world and with a heady sophistication go, "Nah-nah!", or something of that sort.

Our world, our societies, they're just so damn silly. And we take it all sooooooooo seriously. Laughing at that paradigm is, I believe, the best good I can do my fellow man.

As to the approach, I have no interest in founding my own 'legitimate' business; I already have one and guess what - I have to work, a lot. A life in which I spend years building profit point onto profit point, investing and re-investing, until one day, in my late forties, when I have no personality left and my family despises me, I would feel that I had arrived. I would likely look back and think that I never should have worked so hard, that money didn't matter, that I had ignored all the important things life had to offer.

No thanks.

I would much rather have money now, thank you very much.

The problem is, I don't have any.

(Which is a problem)

Now, don't get me wrong – I love my job and I love my business; I just have a general impression that I might be much happier donating time (and money) to non-profits, designing pro-bono posters for theatre companies and not having a schedule so that say, sex on a Tuesday at 2:22PM, would be an actual possibility.

So, in honor of this revelation, I'm founding a new company.

It is, at heart, a company of fools – even if I'm the only one currently present. The name of this venture will be Intuition Limited, and our mission will be to find ingenious, inventive, and incorrigible ways to take all possible advantage of the many problems our self obsessed society has. If this company can turn a profit without producing any products, services or items of note, while pissing people off left and right - it will be a success.

Though it did not occur to me until just this moment, my inner child (annoying little fucker) finds inspiration from something John Cusak said before he became chubby, inarticulate and heartwarming (my paraphrase to follow), "I don't want to produce anything sold or bought, buy anything produced or sold, or sell anything produced or bought."

That sums things up nicely.

It is obvious to me that human society is a bumbling, accidental, headless, incompetent and rudderless mess. Blame this on whatever origin you prefer: original sin or the inadvertent nature of organically grown meat bags; we seem to be a bit flawed at our base. Thus, all of our efforts and institutions have these flaws built right into them.

No matter how hard we try, or how well meaning we are, we just have to fuck things up. It's charming really. It's what makes people so loveable – we're just not quite all 'there'; especially as a group. For those who disagree I cite the history of Christianity in Europe, anarchist organizations, bi-polar political systems & women's book clubs; if you need more I'll be happy to oblige (please?).

Which, all in all, is fine – we can't really do much about that.

We are what we are, and luckily we at least have the illusion that we can make progress on an individual basis. The individual, though limited, is blessed with the chance to succeed in competition with his fellow man. This, for many, makes them feel better about the rest of this mess. Knowing that even though I'm made of meat and water, aflood with uncontrollable emotions, beset by obsessions, brimming with hopeless ideas and lost in a sea of billions of fellow grubs – I have the chance to prove that I'm just that 'lil bit smarter, faster and more 'together' than the next mite in the mound.

It's not much, but hey – it's mine.

Aside form loving my family and growth, it's what's available.

So - I figure, 'fuck it', let's do it.

Too often businesses start with an idea for a product or a service. In fact, they almost always start with an idea for a product or a service. Let's not do that.

Instead, let's try to step outside the box a bit and identify opportunities according to the following parameters:

1. Profitability

2. Taking advantage of human stupidity

3. Taking advantage of group think

4. Taking advantage of illusory societal constructions

5. Is not illegal (illegal in this case I define as what can be prosecuted. If we break US laws on foreign soil without extradition – I think that's just dandy)

6. Is almost illegal

First, I'd like to say that I'm feeling extremely limited by the category options for Myspace Blogs. I, for one, would like a category titled, 'Humorous Insights into Society and Other Things we Cannot Get Away From". 

That would be my category.

Today, I'd like to talk about Bluetooth. First, let me say that bluetooth sucks. You can't hear anything, no one can hear you, and they look STUPID. If you have to use them, use them WHEN YOU USE THEM. Do not walk around all day going, "blink, blink, blink."

Which leads me to my point.

Bluetooth Does NOT Make You Look Like a Cool Star Trek Character
There are two reasons for this; the first being that there are no cool star trek characters. Now, before you start in on me with, "awww man, but Spock is cool", remember that we're talking about appearance here people, and not a one of those sad sacks looked cool, ever. Admittedly, some of the girls in the 60's go-go outfits had it going, but that is waaaaaay outside the bounds of this discourse.

I'm going to move on from this point but I want to warn you, if you plan on jumping in and telling me that your favorite star trek character is cool, you're going to look like an idiot. Everyone will laugh at you and the end result will be that you have done nothing for the standing of said characters 'coolness', simply lowered your own. A lot.

The second reason is that no matter how you cut it, dress it up, describe it or spend money to make it happen, having a blinking piece of plastic sticking out of your ear looks ridiculous. People, usually men in-between 35-45, seem to think this addition is the height of fashion. You will see them at starbucks drinking beverages extremely high in fat, looking at underage girls, just dying for someone to call them while their bluetooth, all the while, goes "Blink, blink, blink".

How To Spot Your Own Potential for Being one of These Losers
What follows is a list of qualities that this demographic seems to possess in abundance. While an individual might have one or two of these indicators, if you have three or more, please be very careful as you make telecommunications purchases.

1. Male

2. Ages 35-45

3. Overweight in a pathetic 'I could try harder' sort of way. This is the American Paunch; a result of bad food, worse beer and failed or failing marriages. As an aside, though I have no proof of this, I believe that men in this demographic are extremely likely to watch REALLY bad porn and masturbate far more than is healthy.

4. No fashion sense whatsoever, while simultaneously possessing the belief that one is dressed very, very, well. Sub-indicators of this quality are: silk shirts, bright ties on bright shirts, tight plaid patterns, dockers of all shapes and sizes, brown belts with big ugly silver buckles, visible white t-shirts under dress shirts, gold chains, other types of chains, bulky watches that say anything other than rolex etc., two tone jewelry (never, ever, ever should a man wear two tone jewelry. jesus.), and bad shoes.

5. The ability to enter a public environment in sweatpants (I do not mean hip adidas work out pants - we're talking Mervyn's here). While this seems like it belongs with the above point, I believe that it is, in fact, a fully separate issue. Sweatpants are so far outside of anything resembling modern fashion (or historic fashion for that matter), that this becomes an immediate red flag. Admittedly, there are two types of people who wear sweatpants in public: good looking people and ugly people. This is a key differentiator. A good looking person wearing sweatpants might be able to create a belief in us that he is simply, "beyond caring", as his ego is full and his self-esteem is legendary. Fair enough. That individual wouldn't fit any of the other indicators. The ugly person wearing sweat pants, however, might as well have a large reader sign over their heads saying things like, "I have no self-esteem" or, "My best friend died in the 4th grade - he will never be replaced", or, "Hey, where'd everybody go?"

6. The goatee, the mustache, the bald spot and the buzz cut. I really don't think anything else needs to be said on this subject.

7. The belief, despite all evidence to the contrary, that one is a successful businessman. A surplus of ideas, leads and potentials while wearing really bad shoes are the surest indicators of this demographic.

8. Being short. I don't know any other way to put this. A lack of physical height seems to greatly increase your chances of falling into this modern social snare.

9. Conservative political beliefs. I don't actually know if this is true. I just feel better believing it.

The lesson here is simple - be careful when making telecommunications decisions. There is always, nearby, some judgmental asshole like me just waiting to lampoon your pathetically unaware person.

All the while, you go "blink, blink, blink."

So, once, it occurred to me that I'm a conscious bag of water stuck to the side of a spinning ball of dirt.

A dire situation to be sure, I immediately tried to assess what I should do.

The first thing to occur to me, after wondering at why the ball was spinning, was: leave the dirt ball.

There's two ways to do that:

1: Actually leave the dirt ball. Likely in a pressurized beer can coated with ceramic tiles; this seems an unrealistic solution, especially as there is in fact nowhere else to go.

2: Become a non-conscious bag of water stuck to a ball of dirt. Again, a less than novel solution, specifically as I might very well 'awake' (presuming you accept a post mortem actuality) stuck on yet another dirt ball, or worse, a dirt cylinder. I have no respect for dirt cylinders, they're simply inelegant.

Realizing that I am in fact stuck being stuck on a dirt ball; I endeavored to find ways and means of escaping my awareness of said predicament. Being a conscious bag of water it seemed likely to me that perhaps I could convince myself I was a conscious box of grape nuts instead. That would, at the least, be more interesting.

Several methods of becoming unaware of my stuckness pressed themselves upon me (I love being pressed upon - it's just so dirty). the below items are a sampling of the methods and means used in attempts to reduce this awareness:

1: Bend my mind. Through the direct application of every drug known to man; systematically mixing types, dosages and activities so as to narrow in on the ideal method for reducing my awareness of said stuckness. Also included in this treatment were the application of sleep deprivation (with and without chemical modification), lack of food, lack of liquids, lack of social interaction and, of course, lack of context. This, unfortunately, does not work. One simply becomes more aware of their stuckness with the liberal application of addictive substances. Also, as you endeavor to unstick yourself in this fashion, you simply become more mired in other things. Gradually, as you struggle, you become aware that everything is just... sticky.

2: Call for help. I'm talking about the direct application for help to every purported higher power available. There are, as you know, many myths, legends and superstitions regarding the various deities, demi-gods, demons, powers and essences about that might be called upon for help. I tried every single one. Seriously. I even, long ago, at midnight, on the lawn of a church, went as far as to attempt to summon the devil. No luck. Still stuck. Thamaturgic ritual, séance, meditation, prayer. All flops in this context. While I did, in this investigation, experience many very strange things, I was left with the conclusion, at the time, that if a higher power had heard my call, they were determined that I not only remain stuck to the dirt ball, but conscious of it as well. Thanks.

3: Become God. The next logical step, as the previous investigation had not succeeded, this one, initially a very tall order, quickly became easier to encompass when I realized that being a conscious bag of water, and thus rather easy to manipulate, I need not actually become God objectively.  Subjectively would do the trick. So, for a very short while, after intense effort involving things I won't tell you about, I achieved my goal. For about two and a half hours, I managed to completely convince myself that I was, in point of fact, God. Now, before you jump to any conclusions, let me tell you - that really sucked. Ranked with such moments as realizing Santa wasn't real and that I wasn't actually married to my wife, dismaying doesn't even begin to describe it. Still quite stuck, I walked away from that with something I don't think many people have, empathy for god. Even if you don't believe, I recommend that you give a shout out to him/her/it, even if based solely on the premise that if you were god, you would want the figments of your imagination to pay attention to you.

4: Become intensely involved in unhealthy codependent relationships with women. This, a seemingly tried and true method, while distracting, is not a successful solution. This is, in the end, simply being stuck to something else. You're still aware that you're stuck. While not so much aware that you're stuck to the ball of dirt, you are likely to become increasingly aware that you are stuck to another bag of water and in grave danger of becoming a puddle. Being a puddle on a dirt ball is, understandably, not to be desired as you would quickly become mud. Having explored this option quite thoroughly, I have found it to be the least appealing of the solutions so far.

5: Become unglued. This, on the surface, appears to be the ideal solution to stuckness. I mean, seriously now, it just makes sense. However, upon application, I discovered that one is just left with so many flailing sticky appendages. What winds up happening is this; you stick to everything, with little or no discrimination. This is a very good way to get dirty very quickly. You will attract and retain all sorts of things, most of which will have no common components and will thus be nearly impossible to reconcile with one another. While novel, this solution produced more problems and difficulties than I care to examine and will thus move on, now.

6: Focus on the Now. An attempt to become hyper aware of my consciousness itself, and thus less aware of my other components, focusing on the now did not work. I quickly became aware that there is in fact no 'now' and that not only am I conscious bag of water, I also appear to be a standing wavefront of incredibly complex algorithms propagating forward in the context of time and relying upon 'memory' for all basis whatsoever. Great. This immediately led to the realization that 'I think therefore I am' simply does not cut it as, it should be clear, I don't think. I think I thought. Duh. Within days I was trying to explain 'I think I thought I think, therefore I think I thought I think I am' to pretty girls at parties expecting to get laid as a result. . . . It has been, without doubt, a long journey.

7: Tunnel. While not enabling an escape from the dirt ball itself, this solution seemed to have potential in that I would no longer be stuck to a dirt ball, I would be stuck in it. A change of scene as it were. Tunneling, into dirt or the self, seems to lead nowhere at all. Assuming one doesn't possess a streak of claustrophobia, this is an endless and inherently purposeless process that accomplishes nothing. I would recommend, as a substitute, compulsive masturbation or OCD. Perhaps both. These are equally pointless but at least allow momentary release and the semblance of progress; even if in fact there is none to be had. The masturbation, on a positive note for insomniacs, is likely to have the added side effect of increased sleep. Tunneling, it seems, is fruitless in this sense, but always a great way to get your hands dirty.

8: Be an idiot. Somewhere, right now, some idiot is having a ball being a complete fool and blissfully unaware of either that fact or his stuckness. Fucker' stole my fun. If you see him, hit him for me. Now, don't get me wrong, I can be an idiot. Oh yeah. I just don't get to be a happy unaware idiot. Bastards. The seething nastiness surrounding this solution is that it might well work for others; I simply seem to be exempt. So, if you're a happy oblivious idiot who can encompass the subject matter at hand, please, simply wander off and bump into something.

9: Be an artist. I thought that, maybe, if I drew enough pictures of people floating in the air in other worlds, I would feel less stuck to the dirt in this one. Nada. No matter how many worlds I imagined, drew, wrote of or told tales about - none of it changed the apparent reality of this one a single bit.  While a nice thing to do for others, enabling them, perhaps, to forget their stuckness for a moment as they gander about your imaginarium, the artist himself is likely to become increasingly aware of his stuckness the more he creates vistas of non-stuck realities. This is known as inversion theory... no it's not. I just made that up. On the other hand, artists who do not create non-stuck realities but instead depict, accurately, this one - are simply stuck and boring (but safe from that inverse law thingy I was talking about – this is why I draw flowers). They are, as my mother would be wont to say, not using their imaginations. A heinous crime to be sure.

10: Buy lots and lots of shiny toys. Not so much a solution as a distraction, this endeavor has the net opposite effect of it's intention. At the worst you become stuck in debt, at the best you are stuck with a bunch of stuff that you have to take everywhere you go. The shinyer (I insist that this is in fact a word) the toy, the heavier it seems to be. A factor to take into account is that big screen tvs, nice sofas and commercial quality appliances are very heavy. When carrying them, you will feel more stuck than ever. Recently, on a second, and brief, swing through this pattern, I explored mobile shiny toys. Technology has enabled us access to many things which enable us the illusion of mobility. I would remind you that possessions, by their nature, are possessive. Also, if you're not careful, you could wind up being the guy who always wears the Bluetooth.

I hate that.

Please, take it off.

And don't wear sweat pants.

So, whether you're stuck on yourself, stuck to another or simply stuck; take solace. We're all stuck in this together, and we're all, at our base, equally stuck.

Besides, ask a five year old, being sticky is fun.

But that, I'm afraid, is another story.