The 4 worst words in the English language to any guy has to be "We Need To Talk!"  Well maybe not the worst because if "I Think I'm Pregnant" follows that, those 4 are a hell of a lot worse in my book lol.  Anyway, every guy has heard that damn "we need to talk" and we dread it every time!  I've pretty much accepted it at this point that it's inevitable a few times in a relationship so, those words don't bother me as much anymore.   But ladies, the least ya'll can do is not make us have to have these stupid face to face talks when inflicting this torture upon us.

For instance, you live in Queens and I'm in Brooklyn, I barely like driving to your stupid house to begin with simply cuz living anywhere that has 52nd Street between 52nd Avenue and 52nd Road as real addresses is just dumb!  But now I gotta waste my $4 a gallon gas to come to your house because you "want to see my face when we talk"!  What the hell for?  If you think I'm lying, I can lie straight to your face without blinking an eye!  If you want to see my reaction to your super important news, me hanging up on your ass is just as good of a reaction as any and it saves the 30 minutes of my life I'll never get back driving to your damn house!  All this technology we got and you wanna throw it out the door because "some things are better said face to face???"  Shut the hell up!  IM me, call me, text me, email me, hell just change your status on Facebook, that should be enough words for you to get whatever off your chest! 

But, I'll tell you one thing, if I drive all the way over there, it damn sure better really be important!  Don't have me get out my bed just cuz you think we should break up!  That's not important enough.  Feel free to break up with me over the hand held device of your choosing!  Got me getting dressed and trekking to your place just cuz for some unknown reason you think me watching you cry for millionth time is somehow more important that the 4th quarter of "insert any football, basketball and/or baseball game" here.  It's not more important, you're wrong and I barely care!  And I damn sure don't wanna have some long drawn out conversation that ends with you basically telling me that there's gonna be some new dude in your mouth every morning like toothpaste!  No thanks babe!  Call me, I'll put the game on mute and closed caption and at least be able to watch and read the action while you tell me it's over!

Happy Birthday To Me!!!  Good looks on all the Facebook posts, all the texts, all the phone calls and the couple of shots last night at Level V!  Thursdays are a real good look over there!  I don't know why you people insist on coming at like 8PM but, it's poppin by 9!!!  Every Thursday at Level V, no cover, full dinner menu, drink specials till 8, music, dancing, networking and flirting!  And this is a true afterwork professional event!  Half the people will not be rocking a fitted and Jordans! 

THIS IS WHAT I DO – PART II!!!  It's finally here y'all!  And my birthday party Saturday night will be a problem!  I got nearly 200 RSVPs on my evite and another 100 RSVPs via Facebook.  That ain't even counting the 85 people who only said maybe!  I repeat, THIS IS WHAT I DO!  Work, party and bullshit!  The work week is over so, let the partying and bullshitting commence!  Please, please, please get there early cuz it's looking like the doors will absolutely wind up getting shut cuz of capacity at some point.  It's also FREE for ladies and $10 for dudes before 12 and jumps to $10 and $15 after midnight!  DJ Snatch 1 is on the wheels!  I got bottle specials going all night but, you might wanna act early on that cuz there's only 3 tables left!  Come see me do what I do!  Come join in celebrating with yours truly, Keenan "that dude" Davis, Dre from Blacklight Ent., Margaret Anadu, Brent Haynes, Leticia Stallworth, Kenny Depeyster, Raven O'Neal and Kevin Black!  Hit the evite, RSVP now if didn't already and see y'all tomorrow!  I'll be the drunk dude on the dance floor!

My Evite - Click Here!

Keenan "Only Thing I Need To Do Face To Face Is Kiss" Davis

Y’all know me! I respect funny and as a result, I talk about any and everything that I find funny. And sometimes I gotta point the finger at myself! With that being said, I got this next rant from one of my boys and it was hilarious. Y’all know I promote parties so, you’ll see the irony immediately when I post this. It comes from Amanda Johnson, note that she didn’t even want a ghostwriter name! She’s keeping it gully! LOL LOL! So, without further ado:

11 Reasons Why Promoters Are Assholes!!

Words by Amanda Johnson

1. If it is really a "grown and sexy" event, then you wouldn't be promoting it via flyers on my windshield or spam emails, and a picture of a half-naked woman dress in a skanky dress wouldn't be on the flyer. "Grown and sexy" has lost all meaning, so just stop it.

2. Take Meghan Good, Beyonce and Boris Kodjoe off your damn flyer. No girls who look like that will be at the party. No men who look like that (or that tall) will be at your party. False advertising. Stop putting pictures of Jay Z on your flyer. But, we all know Jay Z will not be at your party, but when you put C-level R&B celebrities on your flyer (think Ryan Leslie or Trey Songz), you think we're supposed to be impressed by this? All this tells the sophisticated women that you're trying to attract to this party is that the club will be full of 18 year old girls with fake IDs looking for a Leslie-Songz picture for their Facebook pages.

3. Don't tell me that the party is free before 11, and then hold the line until 11:30 so I'll have to pay. That makes you an asshole. Stop holding the line to your party to make your shit look more important. Nothing is more annoying than shivering in the cold for 45 minutes, just to get into the club and realize that everyone who is coming to the party is waiting outside. That makes you an asshole.

4. The economics of party promoting makes you an asshole. So let me get this straight: I pay YOU $20 because you sent out an email or created a website with the promise of a DJ to play hip hop music and other Black people? Fuck you. I'm going to spend no money to go to a bar, and rather spend $20 on cheap beer or an appetizer as I dance it up to "Like a Prayer" by Madonna while partying with white people. Let's face it, white people have more fun anyway.

5. Stop asking me to RSVP asshole. RSVP for what? This isn't a wedding or a holiday dinner at Aunt Mayble's house. 99.9% of the time when I RSVP there isn't a RSVP list anyway. And then, when I print out my "receipt" no one takes it. Waste of my damn time, waste of money, waste of bandwidth used to send the email. I'm not RSVPing to your shit party because of reason #4.

6. Stop advertising open bar from 10-11. Nobody shows up to the club at 10:00 asshole. At 10, I'm just waking up from my power nap, in my pajamas, wondering if I'm really going to go out to another lame ass party to see the same damn people. And in the off chance I do get the chance to partake in open bar, it's just sewer shelf (yes, not top shelf, not bottom shelf, SEWER LEVEL shelf) drinks with a 95/5 percent ratio of juice to alcohol.

7. Stop playing get the fuck out music at 3 when the party is over at 4. Most people don't get to the club and settled until 1:30, which gives us about 2 solid hours until the lazy-ass DJ decides to "throw it back". Caution: when a DJ says "throw it back" that usually means "throw you out". When you hear Michael Jackson's "Pretty Young Thing" or R Kelly's "Step in the Name of Love", then it means it is time to gather your shit and beat the rush.

8. To the female assholes taking money at the front of the line, stop rolling your eyes at me when I give you my money. Oooh, you're so special because you're collecting money at the front of the line. You're fucking the promoters so you get groupie girl status by taking dollars and giving out stubs. Stop giving me stank looks. Yes, I'm wearing something absolutely ridiculous and scandalous under this winter coat. Yes, my bottom lip is blue because it's frozen from standing outside in the cold with nothing but a skimpy freak-um dress under my coat, and yes I'm tiptoeing into the front door of the club because my stilettos have swelled up my toes. TONIGHT, you are smarter than me because I'm the stupid bitch paying $20 to get into this party. But TOMORROW, you go back to dropping fries and messing up my McDonalds order. Get over yourself.

9. Promoters are assholes because they financially rape you three times during the night. First at the door. Then, at the coat check. Why not just charge $25 at the door and make the coat check free? So, after standing in line for 45 minutes I now have to give this shady character my $200 coat, for him to throw in the back with a pile of pleather and rayon rags while a paper stub hangs on by a thread to my coat hanger? Do you really deserve $5 just to hold my coat? And then, to get to the bar for the lovely $5-$10 jack-up on the prices of drinks. And what choice do you have? After that entire ordeal OF COURSE you need a drink. You'd give your first born just to feel the taste of cheap tequila or vodka on your lips.

10. Promoters are assholes because they let their corny friends in free. So, at minute 20 when you're standing outside, waiting to get into a club, you see some gas-guzzling car pull up with a group of 5 foot 6 inch wanna-be black professionals wearing oversized black sunglasses walk past you, grip the promoters and then enter the club. You're an asshole, and I'm a hater, because I've been standing in line for 20 minutes trying to get into the club. I don't know any promoters. Promoters don't know me. I don't make it my life's business to get to know Suede and Terry and KoJo and Deon and Jermaine and CeCe and all the other random ass names for promoters. I know myself and the other pissed off girl I came to the club with. I'm the girl who's paying to get in. You're not better than me because you know the promoter. That just makes you smarter than me: TONIGHT (see end of #8).

11. If the only thing that distinguishes the VIP section from the rest of the party is air, then promoter, you're an asshole. VIP means "VERY IMPORTANT PERSON", which thereby infers access to a "VERY IMPORTANT SPACE". That's not a VIP section, that's a perimeter around the corner of the club asshole. Stop trying to make people feel special because they are standing in the North-Northwest section of the club.

Club goers unite! Stop feeding into the club nonsense! Stop throwing away your money. Women, the man for you is not at the club. Men, just go to a strip club: at least it'll be a sure thing! Stop lining promoters pockets just to say you went out...and just so you'll have new pictures for your Facebook page. Bring back the house party! Bring back the social get-togethers! Bring back dinners and movies and bowling and miniature golf and getting drunk with friends while listening to India.Arie! Stop accepting service from clubs and promoters that you wouldn't accept from ANYONE ELSE. Use common sense. Put the college degrees to work. UNITE AGAINST PROMOTERS!!!

(Yes, Amanda is a Hater. Say hi to me. I'm glad you see me.)

The views expressed above are wholeheartedly supported by Keenan "Keeper of the Rants & Raves" Davis

May I also add #12, which is I hate when promoters let the fact that they got more than 20 friends go to their heads and all of a sudden, they wanna get high post at the velvet rope!You’re annoying and I hate you! We all got friends!Hell my parties are probably better than yours!Just treat everybody with some respect and stop acting like your special now! We don’t believe you!Real promoting is setting up Puffy’s next all-black affair or the afterparty for the DNC! All we doing is inviting our friends out to drink!I ain’t special and neither are you!

Level V is really picking up steam after a lull in September!The past couple weeks have been a great look!If you haven’t been in a while, it’s time to come back! If you’ve never been, next Thursday afterwork is a great time to start! We got drink specials and a full appetizer and dinner menu so, walk right from behind the desk into the spot!  No reason to even go home first cuz we got an adult professional crowd doing their thing! This is not an afterwork event with 17 dudes wearing fitted caps! We don’t do that here! And the best reason I can say considering this economy, is that it’s NO COVER!!! Every Thursday from 6 – 11, Affair Afterwork Thursdays at Level V – 14^th and Hudson (right next to 9^th Avenue)

Now let’s get to real ish!!! MY BIRTHDAY PARTY, MONKEYS!!!I do it every year and I try to add a little twist every time I do it!This year I’m doing passed appetizers early in the night and a cake cutting at 1AM and THERE WILL BE CAKE FOR EVERYONE!!! None of that you sending your friend who kinda sorta knows me to bum a slice when I got my back turned taking that 3^rd shot of Patron.I’m bringing enough cake for everyone cuz y’all are coming to my birthday party so, everyone should celebrate! The party is called THIS IS WHAT I DO – PART II and helping me host is my dawg Dre Ricketts and my girl Margaret Anadu!We’re also celebrating birthdays for Brent Haynes, Raven O’Neal, Kenny Depeyster, Leticia Stallworth, and Kevin Black!We all getting old together!It goes down next Saturday, the 25^th at PT212 which is on 30 W. 24^th bet 5^th and 6^th. Ladies free before 12 and dudes are $10, after that is $10 for ladies and $15 for dudes.I’m tired of typing, just check the evite, all the details are there. And if you’re wondering why I called the party that, the answer is the name! It’s because it’s a party and THIS IS WHAT I DO!!!

My Birthday Evite

Keenan "If I Hate Promoters Too, Do I Hate Myself?" Davis

Allow me to reintroduce myself!  Guess who’s bizzack! Can I get an encore? Do you want more?  Aight, aight, enough of all that!  I took a sabbatical, I was burnt out.  2 straight years of writing my rants took it out of me.  But I’m back, I’m better shape than ever, I been eating raw eggs and running 10 miles in beach sand.  I feel good, I feel young and I got two more years of material to make another run of rants and raves.  So without further ado:

Anyone who really knows me, knows that I’m a big TV watcher and some of my favorite shows are 30 minute sitcoms.  The greatest being Married With Children but, that’s neither here nor there.  But as you watch these shows like Everybody Loves Raymond or King of Queens or anything where there’s a married couple, it’s always the same thing!  Dude does something “wrong” and the old ball and chain punishes him!  It makes for great TV but, let’s remember that TV is made up and fantasy, it’s not real life.  I still remember when my ex got mad at me and was on some “go sleep on the couch!”  My response was a bit different from what Doug usually tells Carrie (that’s a King of Queens reference, people!)  Me being the man that I am was like, “No!”  That’s right, nothing witty, no slick talk out my mouth, just “No!”  She then responded dumbfounded like “what do you mean by no?  I don’t want to sleep next to you so, you gotta sleep in the living room!”  After I stopped laughing, I let her know that her being mad at me has nothing to do with my “bed” privileges.  The way I see it is if you mad at me to the point that you can’t fall asleep if I’m in the same room, then it’s a good thing couches are bi-sexual and will let both men and women get on top of them!  If you mad at me, why I gotta go?  When I get pissed, I walk away!  Don’t really see why this should be any different lol.  You mad? Then you bounce!

Then there’s the other running men/women joke on TV where the woman doesn’t want to have sex for weeks and months on end cuz she got a headache/she feels fat/she’s tired/the baby is in the other room/dude did something wrong/she’s not happy emotionally so, she can’t be happy physically/blah/blah/blah.  Look ladies, that might’ve been the way things worked on I Love Lucy and The Honeymooners but, in this millennium if you got 99 problems and they all equate to me not getting laid on a regular basis yet you expect me to remain faithful while living in New York City where 7 out of any 10 women who walk by I’d be more than happy to bend over for one night, you’re delusional.  Sex is not a weapon and if you use it as one, it’ll probably end up like most instances when there’s a gun in a house: The person who owns it usually gets shot by his own gun!  You don’t gotta do it all the time, hell there’s times when I’m tired my damn self but I do know that no matter how mad I am at my girl if she wants to get hit off, I can let that chip on my shoulder slide off faster than her panties can!  I can be angry all over again in 7 minutes! (oh that’s right ladies, there will be no extra work put in so you can get “yours” if I’m already upset!  I’ll give 68 and owe you 1) 

So what’s the moral of the story?  Life ain’t TV and if you treat it like it is, watch how quickly your show gets canceled!

Even though I haven’t been writing these, I’m sure you know that we’ve been at Level V every Thursday for the last few months.  Last night was a good look as we had a couple of birthday parties and people really came out and chilled.  Next Thursday should be the move also.  It’s called Affair Afterwork Thursdays and Level V is at 675 Hudson(on the corner of 14^th and 9^th and we rock from 6PM till 12.

Tomorrow (Saturday) night, I’m throwing a party at Deco (95 Leonard – corner of Broadway) that’s gonna be crazy.  The party is called Rendezvous and we got like 5 people celebrating their born day and we all know that there’s no party like when people wanna wild out cuz they just hit another year.  DJ Commish and DJ CEO are gonna be on the wheels.  There’s an open bar from 10 – 11. Ladies are free b4 12 and dudes are $10 by saying my name or MIH at the door.  Holla at me for the list.

And now the real reason I had to start writing the rants and raves again!  MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP!!!  And like every year, I gotta do it big.  I’m actually leaving work in about 30 minutes to go down to the venue and make sure everything is a go so, next week I’ll let y’all know the location but, SAVE THE DATE!!!

SATURDAY

:: OCTOBER 25, 2008 ::

KEENAN’S BIRTHDAY PARTY

GET READY, BE READY, STAY READY!!!

Keenan “Nothing Witty, I’m Just Back Bee-yotches” Davis

I had to take a month off y'all.  I was worn out.  I've been doing Keenan's Weekly Rants, Raves and Revelries for over 2 years!  That's 104 weeks and I've only missed like 3 weeks in the past!  Had a few ghostwriters here and there but max there were like 7 entries.  I still came with over 90 various diatribes from my twisted mind lol.  Well I'm back.  I had a good one for y'all this week but it has to wait till next week cuz I got an email from my homegirl who had wrote one of the funniest, random-est (is that a word) joints ever.  So without further ado, I present Ghostwriter Jazz

My Petition for a Real Doll

I came to the realization the other day that I am possessed. No, not by your conventional methods (i.e., evil spirits, ghosts, um, er, baked goods!). I am possessed by my nana, my kitty-cat, my power-u, ugh, can't think of any other synonyms, please tell me you catch my drift by now! Ideally, one hopes to be in control of IT, as opposed to the other way around. Such is not the case. I find that when she is happy, I am too.

Now you are wondering....aren't you one and the same?

No. We are not.

Simply put, what she wants, she gets. She has cravings, desires and most importantly, a drive that beats most normal men senseless. I'm afraid of what will happen if I deny her. I hear voices like "you take him now or else!" Or else what you ask? I'm not sure, but I'm too scared to find out. That is why I am now on the market for a real doll.

Welcome to the new age of self service!

Shit, I can serve thy self better than most men can service me. However, in the interest of a green earth, I think that I should just get a real doll. Mostly because I'm well on my way to either A) getting carpal tunnel with how fast the hand motion is or B) creating a forest fire, like Smokey the bear advised us not to do.

I never understood why it is such a sin in daily church living to touch yourself. Self service should not make you feel bad. If it does and it's attributable to the church, I strongly suggest you stop going ASAP. In my opinion, if we weren't supposed to have pleasures of the flesh, we wouldn't have so many nerve endings. What better way to have safe sex and a guaranteed orgasm? What better way to get to know someone before having sex with them and creating something meaningful? WHAT BETTER WAY TO BE ABSTINENT???

my bad, I'm sorry, I got a little excited there lol

Everyday, in my long list of "things Jasmine should be thankful for" I include the full use of my hands. Lord knows, if my hands were broken, how could I exist? I don't even wanna imagine? I would have to go around in search of empty stair cases and start rubbing on banisters just to get off. I would seriously miss my hands, like DAMN, wish I had my hands, this used to be so much easier in my room and all these janitors keep following me around now.

Y'all like that banister idea? Well they say necessity is the mother of invention lol

This is why the purchase of a real doll seems to be the best idea. Think about it. 10 Gs well spent. Disease free. Ready, willing and able whenever I want it.
ALWAYS HARD, no whining and excuses and cheating w/ other women. Always listening to what I have to say without offering solutions or stupid MAN advice!

I guess my problem would come in when I try to marry it. It would start a controversy akin to when gay ppl wanted to marry. They will say I cannot marry a doll because it does not have a heart beat. I will take it to the Supreme Court. And then me and my doll can get married in some backwood ass state like Idaho where you can wed potatoes or something.

They had the right idea back in the 60's. Rent parties were all the rage. Couldn't pay ur rent? Throw a party where people would throw a twenty in one bowl and their keys in another. (wait the keys might have been for a swingers party but, I digress). In either case, I was born in the wrong era. I am going to plan a party receiving donations for the purchase of my real doll. However, small denominations will not be accepted because in order to make a real dent in the price (shipping and handling is NOT included) I'm going to need BIG BILLS.

I'm not yet at a point where I want to do something illegal to buy a real doll.

That point is fast approaching though ;) 

The views expressed above are wholeheartedly supported by Keenan "Keeper of the Rants & Raves" Davis.

May I also add that if more women stopped acting all ashamed and let their fingers do the walking a bit more often they'd have a better grasp of what gets them off!  Do it in front of me!  Do it while I'm inside you!  Do it afterschool like some homework!  Just do it!

Keenan "I want a half Black / half Asian real doll for Christmas" Davis

I always get a wrap for giving it to the ladies and not dissing the fellas enough so, one of my flock decided to do it for me!  And with me being an equal opportunity hater, I'm gonna let Ghostwriter Raspberry bring the heat.  Without further ado: 

Words by Ghostwriter Raspberry:

"And the Sun Rises When I Awake!"

(Ladies, who do these guys think they are?) 

I know you ladies are familiar with that guy, the one who believes that the sun rises when he awakes.  It's crazy.  He's that guy who on paper is the image of perfection but in reality, he's actually the images in your nightmares.

I interacted with this guy once (30-something, black with an advanced degree) who believed that just because he bought me a bottle of wine ($40) and an appetizer ($20) that I should sleep with him.  Since he invited me out, he should pay and I know what some of you guys are thinking (but this is not Brazil).  Just because I accepted his invitation doesn't mean I have to sleep with him or let him do anything else. 

Recently, my friends and I sat down to discuss the black dating scene in NYC.  Here is our assessment.  All the guys with advanced degrees, most likely have small penises.  They had to be smart to get pretty girls.  Remember in high school, all the smart guys? They weren't popular or attractive and no girl wanted to talk to them.  Well now they have advanced degrees.  And since 50% of black men in NYC are unemployed they feel like they are entitled to any women they want at anytime.  But I think its time for a reality check for the brothas, you aren't actually that great just because you mastered the art of reading, studying and completing assignments on time in college and graduate school, the sun doesn't rise when you awake and you are not the image of perfection that you think you are, the only thing that you are is the image in our nightmares.

Sorry to burst all y'all egos…but we are actually not that desperate and because most of ya'll are so wack, Saturday nights at home alone are often times better than these wack ass dates and lame fucks!  

So the next time you are out with a girl, thinking you are so great and irresistible take a break for a reality check and think back to the days when you were just that nerd in high school and remember that is who you still are!

This message is fully supported by Keenan "Keeper of the Rants & Raves" Davis.  Good thing I don't have an advanced degree! 

It's that time again!  8 years in a row!  Better each time around!  The biggest and best bbq, you've ever been to, hands down!  Heatwave 8.0: The annual MIH bbq.  You know how we do it, you've heard about it, now experience it again!  We had nearly 600 people in 06', over 800 last year in 07' so, what do you think is gonna happen in 08???  You damn right!  We trying to hit a 1,000!  Food will be off the chain as usual but we've kicked it up a notch as we're gonna be sponsored this year by McGee's Catering!  I'm talking chicken, hot dogs, hamburgers, macaroni and cheese, peas and rice, salads, cookies, cakes!  We got it all and then some!  Nothing but 1,000 of greater New York's finest all coming down to Prospect Park for food and fun.  The only thing you need to bring is a blanket or chair and something to sip on, we got everything else.  We get going at noon so, don't roll up at sundown still expecting a full plate to be waiting for you.  We got mad food but, let's keep it real here, we are talking about 1,000 people!  The GEO Group, Venom, The Brooklyn Circus & Pieces Boutique are all pitching in to make this one the best yet!  If you are one of the few who've never been, see for yourself:

http://www.mihicon.com/heatwave_7dot0_collage.jpg

And then click here to RSVP:

http://www.enflyer.com/s/r?ib=1093;78130;94498;-1;51132;6766&id=126583 

And I need y'all to do me a favor, read below and help out my people's Tanayia Washington.  She's going for her dream job at Yelp and she has a innovative way of getting their attention!  You don't need to know her, I'm vouching for her and she's good peoples!

As you all know I my passion in life is researching and trying out everything cool in NYC. Well now I have found my dream job that would facilitate this passion. There is an open position at an online community called Yelp that I desperately want. I am now on a campaign to get this job and like any good candidate I need the support of the people. As part of my campaign I have created an online petition for you to sign to help convince the powers that be at Yelp that I'm awesome. Please sign it and pass it along to anyone you know or have ever just passed on the street. It only takes a few seconds and your info is private. So in the words of Kanye...

I NEED YA RIGHT NOW...

http://www.petitiononline.com/tw072008/petition.html

And for helping me out by helping her, here's a guide of must do events this season that she put together called Summer Lovin'. 

Click and enjoy! 

See you in the sun!

Keenan "The Coolest Nerd You Know" Davis

With it being summer and all and me finally working a 9 - 5 (well more like 9 to 8) after 9 years of entrepreneurship, this rant is pretty timely.  So with no further ado (or much ado about nothing) here's another entry from Ghostwriter 19, who I hear is speculating coming out of hiding and putting his identity out there for all to hate!

Words by Ghostwriter 19 

If you know me, you know I am not fashion forward nor do I have a good sense of fashion.  In all honesty, I barely know what is in fashion; HOWEVER, I do know what's NOT fashion! I am specifically speaking to the mistakes made on casual Friday. Unlike Keenan who usually hates on the women exclusively I am going to mainly focus on men.

First thing's first, no linen! No linen suites, no linen sets, no linen ties, and no crushed linen (WTF is crushed linen? Nikka fashion! That's what it is!  White people don't wear no crushed linen!).  No animals on your feet except for cows. No gators, crocs, or ostriches.  You are going to work, not the Annual Pimp of the Year Awards Ceremony.

So this rant was inspired by my two friends that will remain nameless (unless they pop lip and have to get put on blast lol).  One friend recently had on a polo shirt he must have had ever since college (He is now in his 30's).  The shirt was so old it had the fuzz on it. Then he compounded that UGLY Shirt DAY Winner with cargo pants.  Cargo pants to your office job? Are you NYPD? Did you just get back from serving in Iraq? Come on?!?! 

I know we are all tempted, specifically those of us with a browner complexion, to show our sense of style, but just stop it, please, you are at work. Being the "cool black guy" is all good until you wear the rayon shirt. Furthermore, wearing that outfit you wore on south beach won't get you a raise next quarter.

My second friend that inspired this rant even more is doing well for himself. He has a nice job, big home, etc. but he pops his collar like Kanye on Fridays. Then because the people at work made him think he is that "cool black guy" he thinks he can rock that same shit out on the weekends. NO YOU CAN'T. No one cares that you shop at Brook Brothers or Thomas Pink. It is 90 degrees and you are in the hot sun drinking coronas not martinis. You are sweating so much from your brow that you have diluted your cup of beer.  Negro put your collar down and wear a t-shirt. Wait a second (Did you actually sit home and apply iron and starch to your collar?  NIKKA YOU ARE GAY! And you look tight.) 

Women, you work so hard Monday through Thursday to break that glass ceiling and then on Fridays you give it all back. First things first no denim. No jean skirts, No jean dresses. No jean jackets. Not even jeans on that day the firm says it ok. (that is for white people). They don't want to see your sevens or your apple bottoms Everyone isn't nice to you on Friday because it's Friday, it's because you are inappropriately dressed.  No patterns on your dresses, no head wraps, no spaghetti straps, and no designs or multi colors on your toes from the Chinese lady.  And finally, my biggest pet peeve!  There needs to be a little slack in your pants.  No one, ok i'm lying, strike that, everyone wants to see every dimple in your ass (IF YOU HAVE A PHATTY) but you are at work. Come on. No I lied my biggest pet peeve is Capri pants in general,  but for the purposes of this rant stop wearing them at work. They are just lazy. Are you wearing pants or shorts? Anything you can wear on the beach shouldn't be worn at work.

These rules apply for everyone regardless of whether you are in the payroll department, a secretary in the back office, front office, or even if you are the HNIC.  You don't get a pass on payday, your birthday, or the firm party. Why do you think they put the security guards in those plain uniforms? Cause normally they're Black and we don't know how to act. 

This message is fully supported by Keenan "Keeper of the Rants & Raves" Davis!  I would like to add that you let it be that if your tattoos are going to show, than that is the determining factor on if you can wear that outfit or not.  If tattoo = yes, then halter top and koolats = no!  And for the record, those shouldn't be worn anyway ladies!

We got a full plate going on!  If you haven't been to Level V as yet, then you're in the minority!  It was insane last week, drinking, dancing, dialecting (sorry that was the only "d" word I could think of to describe talking lol) and you were still home by 11 / 11:30!  Full Dinner Menu, Drink Specials till 8!  It's a great look.  No one does afterwork parties like MIH!  Please believe.  Tonight - Level V - 14th and Hudson in the Meatpacking District!  Be there or be square!

On Saturday, you gotta come out to a new spot that I'm sure you haven't been to as MIH will be in the house helping to celebrate the born day of 3Kings founding member Brent "Smax" Boyce.  I'm talking DJ Snatch1 and DJ Velocity! I'm talking one hour open bar for everyone! I'm talking bottle specials!  And not that any help will be needed but, to ensure the ladies are in the building, I'm talking ladies free till 11.  Don't even mention me at the door, just say you're there for big Smax birthday and you'll be good money!  This Sat, Cathedral NYC: 504 W. 41st, we call this party Milestone V. 

And do remember, the best bbq you've ever been to, goes down Sunday July 13th!  I'm not even gonna hype it.  It's the annual MIH BBQ!  It's Heatwave 8.0!  If you don't go, just ask your friends about it on Monday cuz I'm sure they'll be there.  800 people last year, people 800!!! 

Keenan "I Wear A Button-Up On Casual Fridays" Davis

Blaggity, blah, blah, something, something and some more, ok, that was the best I could do for an intro!  I'm not good at those, I just have random thoughts in my head and I wanna get em' out so, here we go.  I think I'm a hata!  Not the stereotypical hata, who hates on cats who are doing it big, I hate almost everything else!  Like I hate ugly chicks who think they're pretty and I hate big girls who think they're petite and can do skinny girl shit.  But here's the kicker, I don't hate them for them, I hate hood ass nikkas who got these chicks thinking they the hottest things around.

I've seen it in the hood since I was a wee lad!  The whole hood's outside cuz it's a nice summer day.  We're getting our Chinese handball on or we're playing football in the street (sewer to sewer are touchdowns, out-of-bounds is the cars, holla if you know what I'm talking about) and then some young ghetto bunny saunters by the bus stop, sucking on a lollipop and all games come to an immediate pause.  She walks by and all the cat-calls and "hollerin' at" commences!  She's now gassed and feeling herself cuz of all the play-by-play commentary about how her badunk-kadunk is moving!  Fast forward to that night at the club, and now shorty is dissing dudes on the dance floor cuz she's still on her high from walking down the block when she wasn't even rocking the freakum dress she got on now. 

Here's the problem with this scenario.  Nikkas in the hood ain't worrying about the fact that you ugly as sin.  They just trying to hit real quick and get back to that game of skully!  So yes, you got a fatty but, you also got a fat stomach and little titties and that's a bad combination, ma-ma.  Yes, you can get bent over in the hood but, let's not act up in the club like there ain't 80% of the chicks who look better you, give head better than, pussy probably get wetter than you!  All attention ain't made equal!  If you got dudes with degrees and jobs trying to holla at you all the time, then maybe you're working with something.  And not just hit, I mean willing to take you on a few dates, in public!  If you fly in East Flatbush but, only so-so in the Meatpacking District then maybe you're not as sexy as you think you are, be easy!  See what you women don't realize is that dudes only need one redeeming factor to be able to get it up and give it to you!  Baldheaded (and not by choice), no ass at all but 34C's? We'll hit it!  The chest of a 13 year old boy, a lazy eye but, you got a monster behind you? We'll hit it!  Belly stick out as far as your funbags, butt more wide than round but, you all pretty in the face?  We'll hit it!  We won't tell anybody but, we'll hit it!  We'll go hard and tell you how we're not really a breast man and go hard at those nips, knowing damn well that we ain't wifing near nada of you!  So please ladies, please recognize if you're really a dime or if you're just a 2 with the ass of a 8!  They both don't equal 10!!!

Last night at Level V was insane.  It's the second coming of how MIH has held it down for the past 2 summers in the afterwork Thursday night scene.  I'll get deep into next week but, please believe that we were packed with one of the sexiest crowds I've seen in a while.  It's a great look in there.  Affair Afterwork Thursdays at Level V on Hudson and 14^th.  Understand that you need to be there! 

And if you need to something to do this Saturday and also want to go to one of the most unique parties that will happen this year, you have to go to the Gemini Pajama Jammy Jam thrown by Grae Enterprises and UrbenPro and more importantly celebrating the birthdays of Timothy "Kimani" Grae and Jamar AKA Young J.  All the info for the party are on the link below but, please note that there will be OPEN BAR ALL NIGHT LONG and this is a PAJAMA PARTY!!!

http://www.geminipajamajam.eventbrite.com/

Keenan "Nobody Got To Know" Davis

I was gonna do my usual women or fake thug bashing that you people know and love but, after hearing the news, I had to scrap that and address that R. KELLY IS FOUND NOT GUILTY!!!  There are so many random thoughts running around in my head about this that I just gotta get them all out lol.  It all sums up to this though.  I think this is the message we need to get out to our kids about success, determination, money and power.  Just saying "Stay In School" ain't good enough!  But let our young hoodlums know that with some real drive and if you excel at your craft, you can then do whatever the hell your twisted mind desires! 

Money can't buy happiness but, apparently it can buy verdicts!  Just gotta be rich enough to get a beast of a lawyer.  And you can't have regular rapper money, that ain't gonna cut it.  Wanna strong arm and bend over a white hotel receptionist in your hotel room afterhours?  Well you better be paid!  Cuz if you're the best player in NBA, apparently "no" doesn't mean "no", just ask Kobe!  If you only got that Mystical (the rapper who sang "Danger" & "Shake Yo' Ass") money, you gonna wind up serving 6 years for getting head.  Wanna kick it up a notch and just go 187 on your white woman?  Then you better have that OJ / Hertz sponsorship loot!  Wanna spoon with 8-year old little boys, well you better be a Catholic priest or the King of Pop!  Wanna shoot up the club like a certified gangsta?  Then you better have that Diddy and J-Lo kind of change!  You know who's money wasn't long enough?  Shyne!  He was in the same club with them and promptly caught a 10 – year bid leaving Puffy and J-Lo to make all the videos their hearts desire.

This is how we get our children to aspire to greatness!  Show em' you can do whatever you wanna as long as you can foot the legal bill!  I propose this little amendment, "Stay In School, Cuz Broke Niggas Go To Jail" 

Now as much as I don't like knowing little girls are getting pee'd on out there, I do have to say I would've been a little disappointed to never hear another R. Kelly track!  C'mon he's the R in R&B!!!  I don't plan on letting him babysit anytime soon but, I damn sure plan to cop that next album.  And from the looks of the video, shortie didn't seem to mind too much.  The statutory rape is a different thing but, I do know that when I was 14, I moved out the way when people starting peeing.  This young ghetto was loving it!  Someone remind me to tell my daughter in the few years that boys should open doors, pull out chairs and not pee on you!  There are other ways to say you wanna go steady!

Speaking of good music and going back to this case, there was nothing was funnier than the Dave Chappelle Show's "Piss On You" remix: 

Sidenote: If you haven't seen it, for God's sake, click here now!!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=FmBRBUZ7UWc

Keenan "When People Pee, I Move" Davis

I was living up to my alias, "Young Frequent Flier Miles", last week as I made a trip down to Colombia, South America for the long weekend so, my bad for not getting my rants and raves out to ya'.  All you get is a "my bad" cuz I'm not really that sorry lol, seeing the globe is a bit more important to me than humoring you people week in and week out :)  Anyway, I got a bunch of feedback from my last rant, "If You Gon' Be" so, I decided to keep the party going and hit y'all with the Part II. 

So, as I was saying, if you gon' be a fat bitch, do not hang out with 5 other big chicks!  It just looks like a herd of buffalo in the club.  Dudes might dance with one BBW on the low but, it's hard to be on the creep when there's literally 1000 lbs. of women posted up in the back of the club wondering aloud why they gotta be closing the kitchen all early!  Now don't get me wrong, don't had out with a bunch of skinny bitches either cuz that's just asking for you to be standing alone while those other malnourished chicks get all the dudes or you're gonna wind up only getting a dance with my boy who's obligated to play wingman and hold you down for a song or two while I get your girl's number.  Find some nice medium-sized friends to kick it with who ain't gonna outshine you to much but, will still help bring the fellas over!

If you gon' be a fat bitch, only eat at home and/or in quality restaurants.  Ain't nothing worse than seeing some Roseanne of a woman, eating 4 chicken wings and French fries on the 3 train at 8:00 a night.  We don't care if you're hungry, HELL of course you're hungry but, goddamn wait it out 4 more stops like the rest of us and get home first.  You're gross!  And if you gonna get your lil' Miss Piggy on when you go out to eat, at least go to a nice restaurant to get it poppin'!  I hate going to BBQs (especially the one in Chelsea) cuz it looks like a bunch of cows grazing up in there.  I know, I know, you can get 2 half chickens for $9, and them crispy wings is like crack but, goodness gracious please stop making me watch you with your greasy, shiny fingertips and red sauce on your mu-mu!  It makes me hate you for you! 

If you gon' be a fat bitch, let's just keep it at that!  That's enough!  Easy with all the extra amenities.  You're huge, we already see you!  Fat bitch and blond Mohawk don't go together!  Fat bitch and baldy don't go together!  Purple eyeliner, purple lipstick, purple blush and fat bitch don't go together!  Keep it simple, get a weave and some clear lip gloss, show off those 38Fs, act jolly like Santa and keep it moving.  On a slightly related note of just keeping it simple!  Please don't go to the club and think you can do all the moves the skinny bitches do.  I'm 31 years old and I don't try to do the chicken noodle soup cuz it ain't for me.  I'm a guy and I don't do the dutty whine cuz it ain't for me.  If your weight is a respectable batting average in the pros (that's at least 270 for my non-sports fans), you have no business doing the following dances:

The Uh-Oh, Uh-Oh Beyonce Dance

The Flo-rida "Get Low, Low, Low, Low, Low" Dance

Pop, Lock and Drop It

            Any splits in any club at any time anywhere 

You are making a spectacle of yourself and people are watching cuz it's funny to watch a big girl get stuck a little too low, low, low and not be able to get back up, up, up on beat!

Keenan "OK, I Admit It, I Hit Off A Big Girl Or Two In My Day" Davis

My bad y'all it's been 2 weeks since my last rant and to keep it real, I just got a little lazy.  Been writing these for nearly a year and a half and I was a little burnt out!  But, I'm back bee-yotches with that mo' fiyah!  So with no further ado:

There's a saying that I always say to myself (and to whoever is listening to me ramble on at any given time) when I see a big girl who actually has a little sexy to her waddle.  It goes: "If you gon' be a fat bitch, that's how you be a fat bitch!" So, this is my little tutorial to all the big girls! 

If you gon' be a fat bitch, show off that giant cleavage!  It's like the only good part about a big girl! Even if you know damn well you have no interest in hitting that, you can't help but give a second thought to seeing what a pair of 36Fs look like out of a bra!  Is that crass? Of course it is! But, it's also true.  Take the girls out and put em' on display.  We men are a simple creature.  You show us some "boobie nipple" and we will hone in on those cookie-sized areolas and completely forget that there's a beer gut right below that we're normally disgusted by.  Sometimes we're hypnotized until the next morning when we wake up and realize how horrible our drunken actions were last night and swear of Patron yet again for 55^th week in a row!

If you gon' be a fat bitch, still wear heels!  Ain't nothing worse than seeing some big chick in flats in the club cuz her calves hurt!  There's a reason all them skinny bitches be wearing 4 inch heels, CUZ IT'S SEXY DAMMIT!  You know the saying, if you can't beat em', join em!  Well join in and take of them ugly sparkly $5 flats in the club.  Those are house shoes and for quick runs to the bodega to get bacon!  I don't care if they match your outfit, they're wack and you're wack for wearing them! 

If you gon' be a fat bitch, do not try to tell me you don't know how to cook!  You are not allowed to be 5'4" and weigh 240 and have the audacity to look me in the eye and talk about you don't know how to make no southern fried chicken and collards!  Unacceptable!  Besides giant boobie nipples, what other reason is there to be with a big girl other than you know damn well you gonna get a good meal out of it?!?!  Well maybe if I get jumped by 3 cats, I know you can at least take one of dem dudes for me so, I can focus on the other 2!  But that's it!  Giant fun bags, a sparring partner and an excellent chef!  Get on your job! 

So, I repeat, "If you gon' be a fat bitch, that's how you be a fat bitch."  I like this one, might have to do a part II :)

I need all y'all to come out on Saturday night to Deco Lounge (95 Leonard St. – corner of Leonard and Broadway) as there's gonna be a huge bday extravaganza as my boy Omar "The Big O" Hamilton celebrates his born day.  Ladies are free before 11 and there's a open bar from 10 – 11.  We're also jam-packed with DJs as Kaos, John Dowe, Parlay and Young Guru (of Rocafella fame) will all be taking turns on the wheels.  If you trying to roll, holla at the kid named Kee (sorry that was my late 80s moniker lol).  Real talk though, if you trying to roll, just holla at me!  Gotta give a quick bday shout out to my girl Leslie also who will be in the house, poppin bottles for her birth anniversary as well.

If that ain't enough for y'all, I even got you for next week as there will be a SKYY Infusions event going down Tuesday night at HighBar (251 W. 4^th @ 8^th Ave) from 8 – 11.  I'm talking you'll be part of a 8 city country wide launch event for SKYY Infusions, and amongst the 1^st to partake in this new offering.  Just RSVP by calling 888-861-0008 or clicking here:

http://unorthodoks.com/design/skyy/index_NY.html

Keenan "Big Girls Need Love Too, Just Not From Me" Davis

I'm getting lazy in my old age! I just couldn't write the rants and raves last week and y'all get a hearty "my bad" for that.  I got my mind right now (or better yet, I finally got some sleep) so, here comes dat' fiyah!  Double standards, hypocritical, two-facedness, whatever you wanna call it, it's real and it's alive.  The fact of the matter is that guys and girls are just different.  And more importantly, numbers mean more to guys than to women!

For instance, if I walk down the aisle with my boo and she's weighing 120 and they by the time our 5^th year anniversary rolls around she's tipping the scales at 170, we bout to have some serious discussions!  To leverage a line from Jigga: That's a 10 pound gain every 1 year average and THAT'S SO LAME!!! This is not what I signed up for, dammit!  I wanted hourglass not beer mug! Round is not a shape! If you started out at 170 and are only a Twinkie or so removed from that same poundage, we have no beef.  All that means is I like thick chicks and I'm good with that.  But you best believe my big'un will have some ta-ta's and a fatty!  Ain't nothing worse than a flat-chested big girl lol.  Sorry! Went off on a tangent there!  So back to what I was saying, you can't just be plus 80 and think I'm supposed to love you no matter what!  That's insanity.  I fell in love with one woman, now you just swallowed a small Asian and I'm supposed to love the both of you?  Well unless there's an actual Asian and a real threesome involved, it's not happening!  We all know weight gain happens with age but, let's go for 2 pounds a year.  I can live with that.  And I won't have to divorce you because please believe that weight gain is grounds for divorce and begs for infidelity! 

There's one other time where men and women have drastically different counting systems.  And that's when it comes to how many people you've slept with.  As a rule of thumb, no woman's number should be higher than her man's!  I even got a formula to let you know what's acceptable.  And it's actually pretty fair!  I got a 2 penis a year rule!  So, if you lost your virginity at 17 and now you're 31, that's 14 years.  That gets you 28 penises and that's enough.  That allows for a couple long term boyfriends, a couple years when you was feeling yourself in college and whored around a bit, lets you count them dudes that you swear don't count (but fyi, they really do as far as I'm concerned, click here to see why) just cuz they wasn't laying pipe correctly, it gives you enough room for all of that.  And that's very generous.  Cuz trust me, no dude wants to know his woman's number is too high.  We could've been seeing each other for the last 3 years but, let me turn around and find out my number is anywhere close to yours and that's gonna cause some problems.  Either I gotta get out there and get my numbers up or I gotta bounce cuz my feelings are hurt!  So if you ho, find a playa, he'll understand how you can just be minding your business and fall into some sex!

You impatiently waited, you chilled and didn't cause too much of an uproar, you tried to let us do us and find y'all something for 2008 that would replace the amazing event we had going for over a year and a half at Wish 26.  Well SINGLE IN GOTHAM CITY IS BACK!!! An even better location!  Better food!  Bigger venue!  It goes down next week Thursday on May 1^st at the Y.C. Lounge on the South Street Seaport!  Yes I said the South Street Seaport.  Anyone who's anyone from NYC knows that the seaport is a great look regardless once the weather is nice!  Can you imagine what it's gonna be like when we roll through???  The entire SIG City team is back!  The exact same people who brought you fine dining and networking early in the evening and straight dancing and partying late in night are doing it all over again.  DO NOT MISS THE DEBUT!

SINGLE IN GOTHAM CITY'S AFTERWORK THURSDAYS -

Y.C. LOUNGE – 170 John Street @ South Street (right at the South Street Seaport)

Keenan "I Can't Count Past 10" Davis

I remember when light was right and dark, well dark, not so much.  When Al B. Sure and Christopher Williams and all the rest of those hazel-eyed, high yellow bastids was running around having all the girls in my junior high and high school swooning!  I remember being called blue-black and bl-urple (so black you're purple).  I remember my boy Jigga in college nicknaming me Mel (cuz it was short for melanin since I was so dark)!  Hell, it wasn't that long ago that somebody called me "11:59" cuz I'm only a minute shy of being midnight.  I maintained though! And thank God dudes like Michael Jordan and Wesley Snipes and Denzel Washington came along and made tall, dark and handsome the envy of every lightbright motherfucker out there!!!  Not only are we in style and have been for the last 15 years but, there's a lot of benefits to being dark-skin-da-did like yours truly! 

For example, back in high school, all you lighter than a paper bag ass nikkas was suffering from bad acne and craters, when us darkies had the same but YOU JUST COULDN'T SEE IT!  Our graduation pics are the truth, just looking all chocolatey and smooth and stuff lol.  Y'all poppin' whiteheads while waiting in line to do that stupid awkward ass pose everybody had to do for the pic when your knees are to the right and you turning 90 degrees to the left with your fake smile on.  All my cocoa complexion people were cool.  We knew nobody could tell haha.  We was good!

And staying in high school, y'all remember when everybody was giving and getting hickies?  Well when you were trying to get your young pimp on back then, being darkskin was the move!  Hickies was like pissing in a corner so, anyone checking out your wifey or man would know that they got someone who's giving em' some loving so BACK OFF!  I gave out my fair share 

Sidenote: Can somebody tell me why in the hell we let each other do this to each other?  Hickies hurt like hell if it was done right and then wound up hurting everytime you touch em for like the next week!  And don't let your momma see, cuz then you got some splaining' to about what the hell goes on at school!!!

but, I dare you to find the girl who said she gave me one!  I had chicks damn near about to pass out from lack of oxygen from sucking on my neck forever with near notta mark to show for it! LOL I still remember being like "No, I don't got no girl, do you see any hickies? Huh? Do you???"  All the while knowing damn well, my 1^st girlfriend Tricia had a cramp in her left cheek from yesterday when she called herself being "determined" to give me a hickie! LOL LOL Pimpin' ain't easy but, it's a bit easier when you're all mocha'ed out like the kid! 

Also don't sleep on the automatic hood/thug/gangsta credit you get by being a dark dude.  I can get a little extra loud with the customer service people knowing they a little intimidated by the skin color.  I can walk through your projects like I'm supposed to be there a little easier than my caramel colored counterparts!  The lighter dude always gets stepped to first!  And I'll tell you one more thing, I'm sorry, I don't care how many people you stole on, how many bodies you got, how thuggish you keep it!  I just ain't scared of nobody with light eyes and Beyonce's complexion!  Hazel eyes ain't gangsta! We don't believe you!  You need more people!  Darkies get a guaranteed "Badman" allowance! Redbones? Not so much!

It's gonna be a big one tonight people!  The last time we did a party with Columbia BBSA we did it at Opus 22 and it was elbow to elbow and people got stuck outside.  We learned from out mistakes and went out and got Nest on 28^th bet. 7^th and 8^th!  I'm talking 4 Floors y'all with the top floor being a sexy VIP balcony overlooking the 3^rd!  I'm talking 2 DJ spinning different tunes at the same time!  Bottle specials of 2 bottles of Grey Goose for $500!  I'm talking that it's gonna be a madhouse so you can show up late if you wanna but we will absolutely have to close the doors at some point so you better come early!  I plan to be on some real wild out type sh*t tonight cuz it's my boy's Des' bday and I've known this dude since we blew out his TV back in the 80's cuz we was playing Atari 2600 for way, way too long over a 30 hour span!  Happy 30^th my dude! 

Please tell me y'all are still watching Client 1 of Keenan's Overnight Celebrity Corporation on this season's The Bachelor Monday nights on ABC cuz Marshana is still making history being the only African-American/Black/Negro to get past the 1^st round of cuts on the show.  She's got quite a few episodes under her belt as the white girls are dropping like flies around her!  And here comes the press!  America's taking notice, check my prodigy out for yourself in the New York Post:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/04072008/tv/brooklyn_ros_105428.htm

Lastly, I want to let you know about a great event that's going on in a couple weeks called Living Measure: An Evening Benefitting Edeyo. It's a cocktail fundraiser on Tuesday, April 22, 2008 at Libation (137 Ludlow St.).  The event will be benefiting Edeyo, a charity which focuses on providing educational and nutritional opportunities to impoverished children in Haiti.  I'm on the host committee and I stand behind it because the last event "Living Measure: An Evening Benefiting Malaria No More," raised enough money to save over 500 lives and was attended by more than 200 guests.  I'll give more info about Edeyo next week but please be ready to come out and support on Tuesday the 22^nd.

Keenan "If You're A Darkie And You Know It Clap Your Hands! Clap Clap!" Davis

My bad for leaving y’all hanging last week but, your boy Young Frequent Flier Miles made a very impromptu 5 day trip to the holy land, a Black Man’s Babylon if you will: Rio De Janeiro!  I’m talking found a flight on Tuesday, bought ticket on Wednesday, flew out on Thursday kinda move!  So, I love doing my rants and all but, wasn’t no way in h-e-double hockey sticks was I gonna be sitting at anybody’s laptop trying to pontificate on some random bullshit for you people’s enjoyment when I busy taking in the "sights" while sipping Cuba Libres in front of Meia Pataca on Copacabana’s beach.  And as such when I get back from these trips, it gets my mind to racing.  

I’ve touched on this subject before in my little diddly entitled "1st World / 3rd World Prostitution" but, I can’t help but going back.  I’m tired of hearing people say things like "make sure you put on 2 condoms" whenever someone says they’re hitting real world heaven AKA Brazil.  It’s annoying.  The fact of the matter is that it’s 10 times easier for me to hit off some bougie 2 degree having, upwardly mobile sorority sister raw dog than it is for me to get some rubber-less love in any 3rd World country.  Once this chick starts thinking you her Prince Charming, throw in a couple "I love you" and "I’ve never felt this way about a woman before so quickly" or the perennial "I can’t feel you, I just want to stick it in for a second" and any dude worth his salt can be sliding in skin to skin!  Please stop the holier than thou ladies!  Raise your hand if you’ve had unprotected sex with someone other than your husband or boyfriend!  Exactly!  Now put your hand down you self-righteous bee-yotch!  Sh*t happens! Stop judging!  At least down there, they know things are serious when it comes to catching letters (STDs, AIDS for all those who didn’t get that "catching letters" line) and ain’t on our stupid American "it can’t happen to me" line of thinking!

Another very annoying thing is chicks acting with disgust because Rio is known for having a million and one hookers running around.  First of all, you can just go down there and chill and just look at girls all day long without spending no kinds of reals (Brazilian money).  2nd of all, you can go one block away and walk the strip and find regular "non-working" girls if you got a little bit game (or some broken Spanish that translates very easily into Portuguese).  But, even if you’re the kind of dude who has no problem with bending over some fly native for the mere price of one date in NY, there’s nothing wrong with that in my book.  While women may know within 8 seconds of meeting a dude if she’ll ever sleep with him, men know within that same amount of time if he could ever wife her.  Pay attention, I’m not saying that he definitely knows that this is the woman he will marry but, he knows instantly if she’s someone he’ll never marry.  For women, once she knows she’ll never sleep with a dude, it’s over right there.  If she can’t sleep with him, she can’t wife him.  But for a dude, just cuz we know that a woman doesn’t have a cupcake’s chance in a fat camp at getting wifed up, that doesn’t mean we still won’t hit it!  So with that being said, we know the game is that we probably gotta take you on a date or two, hear about your stupid day, perform and make you laugh like we’re at amateur comedy night and all that other jazz.  So can you blame a dude who doesn’t want anything more than gushy stuff from skipping the middleman and just taking his American dollar on the road!  You already told me you’re all about my money anyway!  What do you think I get from questions like "What do you do?" and "Where did you go to school?" 3 minutes after I meet you by the bar???  You wanna make sure I’m not living at home with my mommy and got a steady job.  Well since you wanna know that I got money and that gets me one step closer to seeing you in your birthday suit, why shouldn’t I just give the money upfront and not waste 3 dates and 20 hours pretending like I care what you gotta say?  It’s that simple!  For most women, we know it ain’t going anywhere but you got a fatty and I’m backed up so, let’s just cut to the chase!  Take my money, spread em’ and buy yourself dinner after we’re done.  I can get back to my videogame and you can say you went to a nice restaurant!  Everybody Wins!

Gotta lotta things going down this weekend!  I missed my parties this past weekend with me being on another continent and all so, you know I’m going hard tonight!  I’ll be at Canal Room (Canal and W. Broadway) tonight with my Freedom brethren celebrating with some birthday parties so, if you trying to come out tonight please hit me on that text apparatus at 718.496.4454 or just say Keenan at the door.  

Sat night, it’s birthday parties galore again at Colors as my boy Ed is gonna be doing it big.  Aden of 3Kings fame will be in the house as well and graciously is allowing us to do it up with him.  Same rules apply!  If you trying to get out and about, just holla at your boy or just holla my name at the door!  My name is gold, son!!!

And please be ready for MIH and collabo with Columbia’s BBSA to shut down Nest next week on the 11th.  We taking over the whole spot.  This is the party that shut down Aura last year.  Had people on the streets and such trying to get in!  It will be serious! Don’t be left on the street.  4 floors people!  And all 4 floors will be poppin’ like Lil’ Mama’s lip gloss!  Please believe me!  RSVP to the kid now!

I hope all of y’all are still watching my girl, Marshana Ritchie make history as being the longest lasting Black woman on any season of The Bachelor EVER!!!  Monday nights on ABC, she’s still getting roses, still having all the buzz on the show!  And again all courtesy of Keenan’s Overnight Celebrity Corporation!  On the real though, please watch, tell your friends, let’s show people that we don’t only belong on The Flavor Of Love!

Keenan "Dollar, Dollar Bill Y’all" Davis

Everything ain’t for everybody!  It’s not right, it’s not fair but, dammit that’s the way it is!  One time when this is really apparent is when it comes to cute girls vs. ugly girls.  We live in a world where looks matter and as superficial as it is, dems da’ rules!!!  If you know damn well that you ain’t that cute, don’t be doing cute girl shit.  For example, all that silly insecure shit like going to dinner and only ordering a salad is stupid.  Girl I can hear your stomach growling!  If you’re some 21 year old, 90 lbs Asian chick, it might be cute but, when you’re a grown ass 31 year old woman who’s just ok in the face but really fillin’ out those jeans, stop frontin’!!!  You too old for all that!  Pick up a fork and eat, woman!

There’s also nothing worse than seeing an ugly girl trying to make cute, animated faces over every little thing!  Have you seen an ugly girl with her face all scrunched up cuz she saw something nasty?  Or that thing people do with their nose cuz something smells?  Or that face when you’re struggling with something that’s heavy? It’s not a pretty sight (no pun intended!) for ugly chicks to do these things!  Just get a poker face and wear it all that time.  Stop acting like you’re in a Japanimation cartoon with all the expressions and shit, keep it simple, stupid!

And let’s go a little easy with the crazy hair cuts and styles drawing attention to yourself!  You’re already a 280 pound woman, why do you have a pink Mohawk???  We see you, we don’t want to see you more!  Stop making me look over in amazement!  Not all attention is good attention!  Goth chicks and fat girls just love playing dress-up, don’t they?  Go easy on the Rainbow Brite make-up set you’re using whenever you’re getting ready to go out. And as a rule of thumb, remember that bald heads are only for dudes, chemo patients and really, REALLY pretty girls! 

And lastly, this goes for ugly girls and fat girls alike, nobody wants to watch you dance like you’re auditioning to get into LaGuardia’s School for Music and Performing Arts everytime Beyonce comes on in the club!  I’m embarrassed for you, mami.  Don’t drop down low and sweep the floor with it! No more "Naomi Campbell" walks!  Beyonce didn’t mean you!  She meant everyone else!  And I throw up in my mouth a little every time some scrag who thinks she’s prettier than she really is starts to get her stripper dance on when she’s dancing with some dude in the club.  Dude is probably trying to "go ugly early" and don’t need you bringing attention to him slumming it for the evening.  He was nice enough to play wingman for his boy who got the pretty friend so, let’s not get all crazy and actually get low, low, low, low, low when T-Pain tells you to.  Just like you feel like everyone is watching you when you’re dancing with someone who can’t dance, that spotlight feels like it’s crazy bright when you’re with some ugly chick who thinks this is a Ciara video! Do the mandatory 2-step that any good wingman worth his salt must do and enjoy the fact that you might get some pity penis tonight on the low.  

We’re down at FR.OG tonight again.  The spot is ultra-sexy people with 2 bars, 2 floors, room to dance, nice décor and everything.  It’s a brand new spot and I guarantee that if you weren’t there last week, you’ve never been!  Spring is right around the corner and there’s no better way to bring it in other than hitting the club and getting your drink and dance on!  Ladies are free till 12:30 and we got DJ Jon Quick and DJ CEO providing tunes all night.  Hit me if you rolling out! 

Keenan "I Facially Discriminate People" Davis

I like keep my rants and raves timely with what’s going on around us whenever big events hit and as such, New York was rocked last week with the Client 9 / Spitzer prostitution scandal.  Now I’ve talked about this kind of thing before when I compared 3^rd world "working" girls to the run of the mill "good job having, bougie, sorority sister" kinda chick you tend to meet out and about in the Big Apple in my blog called "1st World / 3rd World Prostitution." Now I gotta speak on this since my boy Eliot got put on blast!  Some of the biggest hubbub deals with the fact that he was dropping as much as 4K on some trim and how could anyone pay that much for snatch.  

Well the main thing you ladies don’t realize is that guys aren’t paying for sex, they’re paying for ease of access and for you to go away when it’s over.  That’s the allure of these high priced hookers!  Almost any dude can get some if he wants it but, doesn’t he have to take you out, ask you about your day, let you talk his ear off, go to stupid events (i.e. – baby showers, family dinners, weddings, etc.) that he has no interest in, hold you, hug you, squeeze you, blah, blah, blah and all that jazz just to get a little???  Who the hell wants to do that all the time?  Even though your lady is a sexy West Indian with an hourglass figure, you might not feel like all that foreplay every single goddamn time!!!  This is where hoes come in!  And then afterwards, maybe you don’t feel like cuddling and spooning and talking and sharing!  Bump that, how about "you already got paid, I came now it’s time for you to leave, bee-yotch!!!"  This is what my boy Eliot was probably paying for.

And the fact of the matter is when you’re the governor of the greatest city in the world, you can’t just bend over any ole’ scrag cuz next thing you know she’ll be copping pleas about rape or just straight blackmailing you so she won’t dime you out to your wife.  And if it cost 4K for some sidepiece that’s gonna keep her legs open and her mouth closed, so be it!  They say it ain’t tricking if you got it and your governor claimed like 1.7 mil last year! So, the answer is "no," ladies, ain’t no cut-up worth 4K a whirl but, 4K is worth it to some for easy access, you leaving when I’m done and knowing that you ain’t gonna throw me under the bus afterwards! 

OK, OK, OK, pay attention!  Tonight, we are NOT at Opus, I repeat, we are NOT at Opus!  New spot that 99% of people has never been to before!  Meet me tonight at FR.OG at 71 Spring Street bet. Lafayette and Crosby.  Party still starts at 11PM, still free before 12:30 for ladies but, now we got 2 floors of musical genius for your eardrums!!!  We got birthday parties for Rana Martin and going away parties for Tony Lucas so, you know the energy will be at full all night!  Also got my mellow my man, CP back in NYC from Seattle so, more big tings a’gwan!  We’re also doing bottle specials so, come partake in 2 bottles of vodka for $400 all night.

I have to say Happy Birthday to Jonevan of my MIHfamily, his bday was on Monday!  Gotta shout out my girl Marshana who’s birthday was on Tuesday and yes that’s the same Marshana I was telling y’all about last week who’s gonna be the only Black woman on ABC’s The Bachelor this season (which I still believe is a direct result of dating me and becoming a star.  I’m starting a company called Keenan’s Overnight Celebrity – Date Me and Become Famous, my slogan is "Let me be your manager!") and the show premieres this Monday at 9:30!  Also have to give Happy Birthday shouts to Janelle and Crystal who will be celebrating on Saturday at a couple of parties so I know I gotta get my club-hopping on this weekend!  So basically Happy Birthday to all and to all a goodnight, or that might be for Christmas, oops :)

Keenan "Client 69" Davis