Winter break has finally come.  How joyous is that?  Mainly for the fact that I don't have to go to class Monday or Tuesday.  It's weird 'cause I'm not that excited to go home, not like I was last year, but it'll be nice.  See my beloved dog again and change out my wardrobe a little bit.  I keep thinking I need to grow up more, stop being so childlike, but then I think: adults are dull and boring and have no excitement in them.  Kinda like my week.  Never anything of excitement in it.  I wish there was, the good kind, not the bad kind.  Every week was some sort of excitement over there.  I miss it.  Horribly.

At least Michelle, my advisor e-mailed me back and I am too meet with her soon.  We'll be deciding my academic life.  Seems to final, and so far away and yet, I know it'll come too soon.  I just want to live the life I did in Dublin, performing, rehearsing, living...

Meanwhile, I'm sitting here just watching Firefly episodes... Out of Gas at the present moment.  Now I just have to wait to be picked up in like.. 4 hours... Doing something.

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Family roots - Geneology

Who wants to hurt all those academic teachers that wants to suck your brains dry of anything creative in your body?  Oh, I do!  I mean, I have nothing left.  I'm empty.  On E.  Yep, nothing left.  Everyday I have to write at least two, if not three papers for the next class and good papers.  Papers that aren't just crap, though I wish I was slacker enough to do that.  Believe me.  I just don't have anything left to give and it's annoying.  I want to creative something great, but I can't.   I can't even dance that well 'cause my brain has just decided that it is going to function to more.

I can't play my guitar, write a decent short story, dance a combination, act out a monologue or even a sentence without sounding/looking like I'm dead....  And it is only the first two weeks.  Really.  Shouldn't those profs spread it out?  I mean, why cram it all in right now?  Share the love guys, share the love...

So I'm back and my excuse:  I was in Ireland... therefore, Facebook was easier to deal with.  Sorry all.  Really.  I'd like to say everything about Ireland, but I can't.  The place is too beautiful and so much like a home that when I'm successful I will have to make it a point of spending at least two weeks out of the year there.  Hopefully with my first big break, I will buy myself an apartment in Dublin so I can always go back.  I loved the country, the place, everything.  It is in my soul, so I can't deny it.

I'm back at Hope, yay.... sort of.  Still trying to find my footing.  My semester in acting was brilliant and I want my life to be like that, so I definately know that I like doing that, ya know?  I'm still trying to find my particular style of dance since (blasphemy, I know) I'm not sure it is ballet, though ballet is so apart of me that I will never be able to deny it fully.  I'm working on my guitar more and Brooke passed along her electric to me, thanks girl!  Maybe I'll actually be able to write something?  Ha!

*sigh* gotta go and fill out the forms so I can work in the costume shop and make money.

Ok, I LOVED it and I'm a huge fan of POTC: Curse (which is my favorite movie ever).  I actually like a little bit more than the first... despite what others think. 

There were parts were I was like: that could have been done better, but I can say that with just about any and every movie, even the first movie.  Tia Dalma/Calpyso thing could have been done better or maybe involved more.  I wanted more with that plot (of course we only have so long in theatres).  There was potiental there that they didn't exploit.  I wanted to see more interaction between her and Jones, but ah well...  Poor Jonesy...

I loved all the stuff with Jack (of course).  It was like seeing inside Jack's head... and boy is that a scary place to be.  No wonder Jack is the way he is... it explains a lot.  Johnny Depp did a fantastic job with it all.  I don't know how he came up with it, but man, it was great.  I especially loved the Jones' Locker sequence, with the rock and crabs and dozens of Jacks... lovely!

I'll actually say that Elizabeth redeemed herself a bit in my eyes after the second movie ending.  I'm still not a giant fan of hers but the character seemed to do a little better.  I didn't like her betrayal in POTC II, but I liked that they addressed that fact; that Jack reacted to her betrayal and didn't trust her or like her like he used to.  Great continuity.  The woman part was happy she was King of the Pirates, but I so wanted Jack to be King!  He was smart though... which makes you wonder how smart Jack really is...

Barbossa was great!  Loved him!  Couldn't ask for a better pirate than Barbossa.  He was all sorts of piratey goodness!  A great character and a character that stayed true to what we knew of him.

Culter Beckett was great as a villian, though I think I liked him too much.  I actually felt horrible for him when he lost, poor man.  The scene between himself, Will and Jones was so lovely I couldn't help but love that scene!  The tea too!  Or was that rum in those cups...hehe

I felt for Davy Jones in places (I actually really like the character).  The way he had been manipulated and couldn't do anything about it.  He was such a powerful character that to have an Achille's heel like that was marvelous!  And you could see how it tore him up to have such a weakness.  Will better take stock of it all...

Poor Norrington!  I wanted to see so much more of him!!!!  They killed my Norri!  I liked his confliction about his loyalties and then the last brave stand.  It redeemed him as a man and as a character and Elizabeth's desperation to get to them brought tears to my eyes.  That's the way to react, not just stare but scream.  I'll hate Bootstrap forever for what he did, brainwashed or not.

AH!  I didn't like Will's father anymore... even after the end and all...   There's no redemption for the character for me... though beautifully portrayed.

Jack's father was a cute cameo, not entirely sure it was necessary, but I liked to see that comparison.  Wished he hadn't picked up the guitar, despite that he's a rocker.  The shrunken head bit about Jack's mom... funny.

Now Will...  I had never really been a big fan of the character before this movie.  I always wanted him to do more than he did!  He's a good guy (while being slightly bad) and I'd love to find a guy like him (personality wise, though in looks would be good too..hehe).  The ending made me feel for him, but I think he's the perfect person for the job, so to speak.  He makes a good pirate and I think he'll do right by the Flying Dutchman and ferrying the dead.  Shouldn't have left the heart with Lizzy though...  Too easy for it to be stolen and used for bad.

As to a fourth and to wrap up this long note: no.  I LOVE pirates to no end, but I think three is a good number for a series and a good way to end it. Jack is doing his Jack-like thing...  Will and Elizabeth had their stories wrapped for the most part.  Norrington, Beckett, Dalma, Barbossa... everyone is pretty good.  I think it should end here, with a good film.

Yeah, lovely title, non?

Man, nothing and yet everything is happening lately.  The weather has finally realized it is supposed to be summer, season finales of my favorite shows (which rocked!), Mayfaire finally rolled around... and then we're moving... yep.  I get to pack up for two months then repack to move to another country... sucks...  majorly.

And we are not moving down the road like last time...  We're moving a whole hour and a half away to some small, crap town that doesn't have anything nearby.  The real estate lady didn't even understand the phrase: where's a good place to shop?  She just said that a few blocks away is a small grocery store!  Yeah, not the type of shopping I was thinking of!  I know nothing down there... no one, no place, nothing!  College is fine, my goodness, 'cause there I go to class and meet people.  I come home and see my friends, my best friend and my world is right again.  I'm not blind...  My choosen career and path is a lonely walk for most of the time, but I just hoped my parents would stay in a place I knew.  I hate it and I can't even tell them that because they are too damn happy about it all.  I don't want to move again.  I don't want to leave the place I know so well.

I just got back to my good, ol' self... the self that had her walls firmly in place so that I can be all happy and fun loving and now they do this...  I didn't even get a say.  They just bought the stupid thing and got the key today.  What happened to my last real summer with my "little sister" before we both have to go on with our lives and keep in touch the hard way?  The sad thing is...  I have to pretend like I'm ok with all this.  I don't get to be mad about this... that makes me a horrible person and a terrible daughter.  I HATE it.

I have a life around these parts.  My ballet studio that took my YEARS to find.  The places I know I can go to get a good deal on just about anything.  The places I know to go to the beach, to find a good book, to go to the mall, to find that perfect place to just relax...  I wanted just one more year of that before I had to start making a career out of performing.  I know that life style will have me moving constantly...  I wanted one more year... just one more year.

On a different note:  PIRATES TOMORROW NIGHT!

I'm not going to sit here and say I haven't lied, because that in itself would be a lie and I won't make myself a hypocrit.  I mean, most of us have lied, some better than others, but I'm talking about the type of lying that hurts people, whole families and ruins them.

I'll be honest.  I haven't had the unfortunate occurrance of being aquainted with too many people that would lie like the above, with the exception of one previous and I was only vaguely aquainted with her at the time.  To be naive, I didn't think those people really existed.  I didn't think friends would stoop so low as to lie and ruin someone's life because they were jealous and angry.  I guess I was wrong... another inoccent point on me taken away.

My dearest friend, my little "sister" was betrayed like that; stabbed in the back by someone she trusted and tried to help.  It wasn't some silly lie, or some jab at her she could see coming, no, it was from someone she never thought would do something so cruel, so disgusting.  It was so covert, that even I, as distant from the situation that I've become, could not see it.  It was technically a lie, but it was a dagger in the back.

This lie isn't something to be laughed at; to be forgotten because time will heal the wounds.  Perhaps time will heal, but not for a very long time; the damage is done.  This lie has not only damaged an inoccent person's reputation but struck at her family, nearly undoing it.  It has not only hurt her family, but those who love her family, like myself. 

The consequences of this lie are unfathomable, and unknown.  It can be as far reaching as involving outside parties (and by that I mean authority figures) and beyound.  Since the lie has just come out, who knows what the consequences will be, but I don't believe the liar even considered the consequences, only the immediate hurt to the individual involved.  The liar didn't stop to think about how many would be hurt by this bold-faced lie.  They didn't stop to think about the immediate damage or the far reaching, only that it would hurt.

So, the lesson to be learned is this: we all lie, that's human nature and God forgives us time and time again for it, but to lie to intentionally hurt...  That's grotesque, disgusting and cruel.  I've seen how lies can ruins lives forever, and I can't believe I can be so close to one now.  Lie about your homework, your financial situation, your free time, but don't...  I repeat DO NOT lie about someone's reputation, honour, well-being, life or their very being.  For one: it is slander and false accusations, those can be charged in court.  Secondly, it destorys like a wild fire, everyone in their path.  Thirdly, it will come back to haunt you; maybe not now nor a few weeks from now, but it will and it will hurt more than the lie ever hurt the person you deemed you could destory.

Remember, those types are lies are permanent and destructive.  You can't take them back, nor explain them.  You can only ask forgiveness and pray that person will forgive you sometime in their life.

I always go through these bouts after every audition.  I'd imagine it would be different if once in a millenia I would get a part, even a tiny one, but that doesn't happen, and thus history repeats.  Yep, you guessed it, cast not again.

This one is especially hard to deal with for some reason.  I wanted it with the same intensity that I always want a part, dance or acting, but this was different.  I don't open myself up.  I show only what I want people to see, only what they should see.  If they saw me, they wouldn't like me.  I can be rather dark and mean, kinda like Batman now that I think of it.  I can be sweet and kind and just, but there is that other side that is brutal and cold and heartless. 

I tried to be open these workshops.  I really did.  I tried to show people who I really am, anger and all... of course, always within reason.  I ried being me and it backfired, so very horribly and now I'm left shattered to pick up the broken pieces and find a way to move on again. 

I suppose now it is back into my cold, quiet shell that looks at the world with that "I don't care" eye and that "I don't need anything" mentality.  It has gotten me this far.

You shouldn't regret things, but I regret letting people see me, the little part they had time to see.  Now, I don't want anyone to see that part again, not in the near future at least.  I'll let them see a carefree if not cold person.  Let them see me as that and hate me because of that.  It is better that it happens that way than to be rejected for who I am.

No wonder Bruce Wayne has his kind, cool and collected front show and then his Batman who is just, dark and angry.  People can't handle everything a person is about, they can't.

Now I just have to find where I dropped all those pieces, retreat into my corner and try to put my heart back together with what is left of it.  It makes me unloveable now, but that's the way it has to be.  That's how I cope with pain.  I deal with it myself, without pity, without assistance, without anyone to witness it.  I have to be this strong person everyone believes me to be and I have to cling to that desperately.

That said, I can't wait for summer, when I can work at my Renaissance Festivals and pretend to be someone I'm not and escape reality, just for those few hours.  It helps keep my sanity intact.

I'll just have to pour whatever is left of me into everything else, even if some of those things (I said SOME) don't make me happy.  Thank goodness for Swan Lake.

Ya know, I hate posting downer after downer blog notes.  I really do, but that's all I got lately.

I think I freaked out my parents because I let my guard down and opened my mouth.  Little known fact about me:  I get angry, really angry and I get sad, really sad.  And when I get happy, look out.  I feel things in an over the top way and for years... Ok, my whole life, I spent controling them because I know I can't let them get away from me.  Now, my acting teacher is asking that of me. 

My Electra monologue (how I love it!) is quite the angry monologue, which makes sense for her character.  She wants me to "go there" to get "really mad."  I can't.  I walk a fine line most of the time and if I step over that line, it isn't good.  I can't control what I do when I get that angry or that upset.  And it takes a while to come back.  They're emotions that could really get me in trouble and I can't let them get away from me.  That's why I have to walk away from a fight rather than stay with it.  I just get too angry and I don't know what'll happen.  I've never crossed that line with my anger.  I've always realized that line and held back.  I pride myself on my control.  I can't let it go for a monologue!  I can't... so how do I tell her this?

Well, I told my mom this because we were having one of those types of conversations...  Luckily I saved it and deverted it toward my frustation at my acting teacher not giving me real chances (outside of the classroom), so I got away there.  But I think I've scared her quite enough.

Ugh...  I just had having to control things on such a tight leash.  Happiness and things of that nature I can let free.  Those are good... but anger, sadness, and those sorts, not good.  I could never hurt someone, not physically, but people who've known me for a long time know I can hurt people pretty badly.

I need to stop that.  I need to feel happiness more...  I need the sun without the greyness and mucky snow.  I'm always happier in the sun.