For those of you too lazy to click yesterday's link (hello, Lazy Face Jones), I've decided
to do you the favor of breaking down the phenom that is "Real Life SuperHeroes*
*Suck it, Marvel
Act grateful.
If you pay any attention to what comes out of my face, you know how much I adore comics.
Everything from Batman (gray suit, please) and the X-Men to stuff that only a handfull of
people I know have ever heard of (Whattup, Jake and Jody).
That being said... I'm a "cool" nerd. Yes, like most groups on this planet, divide and
conquer is the order of the day. Dorkiness comes in levels.
Level 1- Rosario Dawson
Shocked? You have every reason to be. But, that's what places the level oner squarely atop
the nerd pile. Here is a women that does not look like she knows where the comic store is.
Known for playing strong, sexy female leads, her cred was in place long before Sin City or
The Bad Clerks Movie. Dawson's been into the funny books since her pre-booby days.
Non-Famous level ones are the popular kid that, while never a bully, never really takes
the time to buddy up to you. Unless, of course, they happen to spot that Love and Rockets
graphic novel in your hands whilst in line for the soon to be ranch covered cafeteria pizza.
No matter how awesome you might think you are, you will never be Rosario Dawson awesome.
Because while you're reading this, she's off somewhere being a super hot chick.
And if you really need me to do the math on that one for you, have fun with puberty.
Nick Cage may have qualified for this status, had he not
1. named his kid "Kal-El"
2. married Jacko's sloppy seconds
or
3. managed to suck at everything that wasn't "being a Coppola".
To be fair, he did honor Power Man with his choice of stage name. So, there's one cool point, I guess.
Sweet Christmas, indeed.
Level 2- Kevin Smith
The funny kid that wears his dorkiness on his XXL sleeve. Possibly too cool for you and your friend, he is still a normal, well adjusted guy. His fans, on the other hand...
Which brings us to
Level 3- Dj Qualls
I don't know what kind of books he reads, and I don't fucking care. If you can look at this guy and doubt for a second that not only does he KNOW where the comic shop is, he also knows what shifts the chick with the pink hair works and that she rolled a hot night elf named Chan'dy'ie in WOW...you're probably the same Hollywood exec whom dared to ask the question "If we give this
plucky- er um- sleepy kid a trash talking Black sidekick, could his star power be enough to net us some box office gold"?
Hint: The answer is "no".
So... we can all agree that anyone who thinks they can do this shit on the reals has both feet firmly planted in the last catagory, right? Time to bring on the... um... fuck, I got nothin'.
Coming from one of the most dangerous cities in nation, we have
Captain Prospect!
Ok, if I'm in the middle of being rape-raped in our nation's capitol, I don't know that I'm trusting the older, uglier Michael Cera to rescue my vagina from peril... I don't care HOW well he can chuck a frozen bananarang.
From Mountain View California (an intimidating city name if ever I heard one)
The Eye!
The Eye certainly looks like he sees everything... I'm guessing mostly girls at the mall.
From afar.
Last but not least in my heart, from Portland, the Pacific Northwest's own...
Zetaman!
Oh, Jesus, oh Christ, really?
Ok ok ok, that's enough of that. There are many many many others, but dammit, I can stomach no more.
If you have Bruce Wayne money, Bruce Wayne resources and Bruce Wayne ninja skills, by all means, fight you some crime.
But if the other squad you align yourself with starts with the word "Geek"... second thoughts is such a good thing sometimes. Seriously, do you want your mom to have to lift your makeshift cowl in order to identify your remains?
"Yes, officer... that's my Ryan... what's this lying next to him?"
"We have that down as 1.) multicolored glass bead set on what appears to be a pewter wizard riding a griffin. We believe he called it his "Mystical Gem of Tyrrak". You can claim it with the rest of his belongings, but I'd caution against it. You do not want to know where we found that thing..."
Even
Chris Guardian (who easily has the most punchable face ever) must have friends, right? Even if he clearly has no shame. This isn't like being gay, guys... sometimes it's ok to be a little intolerable. If your dungeon master suddenly starts skipping out on guild meetings because he's patrolling in the pleather jacket and goggles his sister cast aside at the end of her "Gothic" phase, it may be time for an intervention. Please... the life you save may be your own.
Although it will probably totally be the life of the guy with the suction cups on his hands, holding a homemade grappling hook.
... come the fuck on, now.