Mine sucked ass.
Find out why @ http://tonyblogtana.blogspot.com

I've posted a new topic over @ http://tonyblogtana.blogspot.com
Enjoy!!!

Wussup everybody!!!!  Its been a while since the last time that I blogged....
but, I REALLY wanna thank everyone that remained subscribed to my blog
during my 5 month hiatus.

Well folks, I've got good news & bad news----we'll start with the bad 1st....

The BAD news is that I've decided to take One Cool Sista's advice.
Many of y'all already know I have a tremendous amount of respect for her.
Well, 2 years ago, One Cool Sista was quite adamant about the fact that
she believed Myspace was holding me back as a blogger/writer....
that my blog had outgrown this site & I'd benefit by taking my talent elsewhere.

@ 1st, I wasn't too receptive towards the idea of NOT blogging on Myspace
[b-cuz I'd fallen in love with making the Top Blogs list almost daily]....
but, I've gotten to the point where I now see exactly what she was talking about.

So, the bad news is that I probably WON'T be posting another blog on Myspace.
If anything, I'll only be posting updates/announcements.

But, DON'T unsubscribe just yet, folks----lemmie share the good news 1st.

The good news is that I'm NOT disappearing----I'm only relocating!!!!
http://tonyblogtana.blogspot.com/

If you've enjoyed reading my stuff [enough to subscribe]....
then, I encourage you to head over to my new spot & follow it over there.

I CAN'T promise that I'll be blogging with the same frequency that I used to....
but, I can assure you that my creative writing will be just as passionate
as it ever was on Myspace [if not more].

I hope to see all of you @ my new spot.
Its been real.

I've come to an epiphany [based on sumthin' that Joe Styx told me almost a year ago]....
chicks that like chicks are OVERrated!!!!

My sexcapades have ALWAYS mirrored the kinda shit that ya see in dirty movies.

But, based on the things that I've seen women posting on Myspace....
it's clear that MOST other chicks DON'T really behave in bed like starlets do on the set.

The average chick ISN'T gonna jump in bed wearing stripper shoes, ride ya bareback,
scream obscenities @ you during the act, NOT trip when you call her your "whore", &
then tell ya to unload wherever you want [whether on her face, tiddies, or in her mouth].

Nope, in real life, MOST regular chicks wannabe made love to [by their significant other] &
they fear having anything done to them that might be perceived as disrespectful in the least.

When questioned long enough---even the self-proclaimed "freakiest" women of Myspace
will expose [what I'd call] "an element of Vanillaness" in their approach to sex
where they clearly send the message that "what happens in dirty movies ISN'T reality".

Oh well, if that's the case---then, I suppose that I can consider myself LUCKY in that regard
b-cuz my lovers HAVEN'T approached sex w/ me like the stereotypical regular chick would.
They pretty much gave me the GREEN light to do whatever I wanted to them.
But, as much as I'd love to go to my grave saying that "dirty movies HAVEN'T lied"....
for me to say such a thing would be a heinous UNtruth.

The fact of the matter is that dirty movies DO lie---especially when it comes to lesbianism!!!!
Think about it....
dirty movies are famous for selling the fantasy of 2 ATTRACTIVE women getting it on....
but, they're so full of shit when it comes to THAT fantasy!!!
In REAL life, if you're NOT living in either California or Miami....
then, it's RARE when you find a lesbian/bi couple where BOTH chicks are attractive.

MOST of the time, it seems like BOTH chicks are butt fuckin' ugly....
or @ best, it'll be a dime piece swapping spit w/ a chick who looks exactly like Kimbo Slice

She might NOT have all of his muscles----but, you know what I mean....
it'll be a busted lookin' broad w/ braids that walks around w/ a sock stuffed in her crotch.

Nowadays, it's starting to seem like the dime-Kimbo combination is
MORE common than the infamous brotha whose gotta bottom-of-the-barrel kinda white girl.
I'm NOT spreading hate----I'm just sayin'.
If ya come to The A hoping to see 2 hot lesbian/bi chicks walking around holding hands....
then, you'd probably be better off renting a dirty movie instead.

If seeing 2 chicks kiss is ALL that it takes to get you off....  then, hey, more power to ya!!!!
But, for me, the allure's completely non-existant when BOTH chicks DON'T look GOOD.

If Esther Baxter told me that she liked chicks---then, my initial reaction would be "that's hot".

But, if she wanted to introduce me to her GF & it ended up being Meshell Ndegeocello....

then, I'd have to stop myself from saying, "Ewww!!!!  Damn Esther, you're trifling"!!!!
I'm sorry, but the hot chick-busted ass broad combination just ain't cute to me.
Fuck it, seeing a couple consisting of 2 marginal chicks DOESN'T do it for me either.
Oh yeah----when I say "hot".... 
I DON'T mean the kinda chick who thinks she's hot just b-cuz she gets down w/ girls.
Whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!  Those hoez come a dime a dozen.

BTW - I DON'T give a fuck how many of you sistas come up in my blog talkin' 'bout,
"Whatta ya mean Tony????  I think that Meshell Ndegeocello is beautiful"....

All I've gotta say to that is
NIGGA PLEASE!!!!
& no, its got NOTHING to do w/ her having short hair either.
Hell, I've dated chicks that had short hair before.

Kornika Franklin's the ONLY cool Republican that's left in the world....
everybody else [and I mean EVERYONE] that supports The GOP is lame as all fuckin' hell.

Here's what amazes me about Republicans.

They ALWAYS say that Democrats whine....
but, Republicans are the BIGGEST whiners in the fuckin' world.
They whine about everything from oral sex, to affirmative action, to gun laws, to taxes.

"Ohhh, The Democrats will raise your taxes"
as if we ALL fall under the upper 1% of income earners who'll be paying MORE.

"Ohhh, criticizing the president helps the terrorists"
as if Al-Qaeda schedules its attacks around whether they see Americans protesting.

"Ohhh, Barack Obama's a celebrity"....
as if Ronald Reagan (their hero) WASN'T a celebrity before he became president.

"Ohhh, Barack Obama's a rockstar"....
as if we can jump on Lime Wire & download his latest platinum album.

"Ohhh, we still dunno about Barack Obama's family values"....
as if he's NEVER said anything about personal responsibility, fathers being fathers,
the necessity for 2 parent households, & or the fact that he's a family man.

"Ohhh, Barack Obama's an elitist----but, John McCain's just a regular guy like me"
as if owning 9 residences means that you're still a middle-class, blue-collar American.

"Ohhh, Barack's backdrop @ The Convention was like Julius Caesar"....
as if standing on an aircraft carrier with the words Mission Accomplished behind him
would've been so much better.


"Ohhh, you need EXPERIENCE to be president"
as if owning the Texas Rangers made Dubya qualified for a career in politics.
Now, if you count executing people as experience----then, fine (I'll give you that one).
Then again, I take it back b-cuz The GOP once asked Elizabeth Dole to run for president....
& WTF has she ever done other than fuck a politician???? Anyway!!!!

"Ohhh, the stock market started going bad @ the end of Clinton's presidency"
as if this WASN'T a clear-cut sign of investors' fear that Dubya might win the election.
BTW - funny how the stock market was terrible for the past 8 years until now
[when Dubya's on his way out].

"Ohhh, we must stay the course in Iraq until we win
or else The World will view us as weak"
as if we HAVEN'T already heard this same song before [with Vietnam].

"Ohhh, the Democrats are holding fundraisers & serving food on spoons"
even though The GOP wasn't complaining about these things when they were playing

So, why are they whining about it now????
Whoops, that's right....
they're finally facing a candidate (Obama) whose got MORE $$$ to spend than they do.

Republicans whine more than a nagging wife that DOESN'T give up the pussy anymore.
No, fuck it, I'm just gonnabe blunt....
Republicans are fuckin' retards!!!!

For Heaven's sake, these are the same idiots that're getting on TV saying,
"The reason why I'm gonna vote for McCain is b-cuz he hunts & fishes".

LOL - wow, that's a GREAT reason to vote somebody into The Oval Office.
Let's just pull a stray cat outta the pound & hail the kitty as our next president....
after all, felines hunt & fish too, right!?!?!?!

Hopefully, Garfield The Cat will decide to run in 2012....
it's NOT like Republicans AREN'T gonna say that he'd do a better job than Obama.


Republicans are a fuckin' joke....
& broke Republicans DON'T even have enough sense to
STOP voting for the same rich dickheads that insist on butt fucking them 24/7.

LOL - and then, you've also got the infamous segment of Republican "posers"....
you know, the folks that run after black people [swearing that they're so cool with us]
even though they support the politicians that've ALWAYS held contempt for blacks.


I betcha that MOST of The Republicans that're reading my blog right now
have already labeled me a "ranting, communist, liberal asshole" even though
I'm PRO death penalty, CAN'T STAND Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton,
DON'T EVER wanna see the day when Black people start receiving cash reparations, &
AGREE 100% with The Supreme Court's decision to strike down The D.C. Handgun Ban.

Well, "Surprise, bitches!! You dunno me"....
but, we ALL know that Republicans are predictable as all fuckin' hell.

They mock their opponents----but, whine as soon as they're the ones being ridiculed.
In 2004, Republicans had no problem questioning John Kerry's military service....
but, we ALL know that they'd be singing the blues if a Democrat ever asked,
"How does getting shotdown make John McCain MORE of a hero than other soldiers"??

Yep, they'd call us unAmerican for even daring to say such a thing about McCain.

They ALWAYS try to envoke fear as a means of distracting people from the REAL issues
[b-cuz they DON'T have shit to offer that's REALLY of any substance].

Whenever they fuck things up [which happens ALOT]....
you'll NEVER hear Republicans taking accountability.

They NEVER cease to pat each other on the back for their own speeches & commercials....
but, they'd rather die than give a Democrat credit for ANYTHING.

They're perpetually dishonest & insist on living in denial.

Whenever they lose an election---they start digging for any dirt that they can find on you....
which now brings us to their inherent dislike for Bill & Hillary Clinton!!!!

If you ask a Republican why they hate The Clintons so much....
then, you'll likely hear some bullshit reason like "Whitewater", "family values", or
"Bill is a douche bag & Hitlery is The Devil".

Republicans just CAN'T handle telling the truth----so, lemmie help them out right now.

The REAL reason why Republicans HATE The Clintons
centers around the fact that they tried [from Day One of Bill's presidency] to destroy him.
Republicans were embarrassed b-cuz [after holding The White House for 12 years]
their candidate COULDN'T even beat a guy that had rumors of Paula Jones swirling around.

I worked for a Republican PR firm during the middle of Clinton's presidency....
& I swear that those folks dedicated each day to slandering Bill to the best of their ability!!!
They were striving to impeach him back in 1996 [way before the Monica Lewinsky scandal].
Each day, those Republicans proved themselves to be sore losers more & more.

Why did I work there???? It was a summer job that I got through the MoCounty govt.
They DIDN'T exactly tell you what kinda work they did until you got in there &
I also WASN'T the only Democrat working there.
They just hired us to answer phones, fax, make coffee, & schedule appointments
[not get caught-up in the dirty politics that surrounded us].
But, that's beside the point----let's get back to why Republicans HATE The Clintons....

When The Lewinsky Scandal broke in 1998----Republicans started salivating!!!!
Not only did they think that the story itself would be embarrassing enough to impeach Bill....
they gambled that Hillary would add insult to injury by leaving Bill immediately
[thus, humiliating Bill to the utmost before our very eyes].

Unfortunately [for them], Hillary DIDN'T leave Bill right away....
instead, she decided to stand by her man
rather than give Republicans the satisfaction that they'd been seeking from Day One!!!!

This is why Republicans HATE Hillary now & it's why they call Bill a douche bag.
They're pissed off that Hillary forced America to look @ the issue & say,
"If Hillary's staying, then why is The GOP whining about Bill getting a blowjob"???

It WOULDN'T surprise me if some idiotic Republican came into today's topic saying,
"Ummm, Tony, this blog WASN'T funny @ all".

But, hey.... it's NOT like I wrote this blog to humor Republicans even in the LEAST bit.
After all, GOP humor is laughing @ the rants of a Jabba The Hut lookalike named Rush
& watching the fake journalists @ FOX News show that they're the epitome of lameness.


This week, I've heard & read plenty of jokes about The Democratic National Convention....
and though I'll be changing to Independent soon....
I still must admit that Republican humor's gotten old.
But, what else do you expect from a party whose superstars are collecting social security??

So, I figure that it's time for someone to give The Republicans a piece of their own medicine.

As you know, I'm just as critical of black folks as I am with any other group.
So, I've gotta message to any black person that DOESN'T get the jokes in my blog today:
"Stop making excuses for why you either
DON'T watch the news or follow the politics that affect us!!!
Knowledge is power, dammit"!!!!

Aside from that, I have nothing else to say----which oughta be a relief to Republicans.
I just wanna take this time to post sumthin' that I happened to stumble across recently
(a list of the parties & fundraisers that'll be happening @ The GOP Convention next week).
These are the events that'll be going on, the fuck faces that'll be throwing them,
along with the morons that're being asked to attend.
So, enjoy & Happy Friday....

Ride The Crimson Tide Celebration (Rudy)

Please RSVP if you get a kick outta milking the deaths of 1000s for all that it's worth.


Rush's Rave (Rush Limbaugh)

Please RSVP if you're a greasy, pork-bellied slob that's addicted to pills.
This party's B.Y.O.E. (Bring Your Own Ecstasy).... but, oxycontin is free of course!!!!
The First Lushes (Jenna & Barbara Bush) will be doing table dances & giving body shots.


The "He's Not One Of Us" Golf Tournament
(Trent Lott)
Please RSVP if you:
(a) think that black men should ONLY be your caddy----NOT commander-in-chief
or
(b) have ever said, "I'm NOT racist....
I'm just NOT comfortable w/ the idea of voting for a black man to be president yet".


Siesta Fiesta (Don Imus)
Please RSVP if you think that Tony Blogtana's an ole bloggy bastard
for saying that "Condoleeza Rice is Dubya's nappy headed ho"!!!!


Slave Mentality Mixer (Apollo Braun)

Please RSVP if you're convinced that Barack's part of The Nation Of Islam
even though Farrakhan would probably call Barack's deceased mother a
"white bitch"!!!!


On Golden Pond Bingo Night (Mr. Bob Dole)
Please RSVP if you're just like John McCain....
old as fuck, crustier than dirt, & gonna croak sometime over the next 4-8 years.


Naked Sleepover (Karl Rove)

Please RSVP if you're a CIA operative that DOESN'T mind having their ass exposed.


Hypocrisy House Party (Sean Hannity)

Please RSVP if you NEVER had a problem with referring to Hillary Clinton as "Hitlery"....
but, then, cameback whining about how Madonna painted John McCain as a Nazi.


You Are NOT The Father Gala
(Michelle Malkin)
Please RSVP if you're braindead enough to think that a baby mama is:
"a married woman whose NEVER had kids outta wedlock &
has ONLY had kids with ONE man".

To celebrate the life of Strom Thurmond.... Maury will be giving out free paternity tests to
racist white guys that don't want anyone to know that they've lusted after a black chick.


Things That Make Ya Go Hmmm Happy Hour
(Lynne Cheney)
Please RSVP if you think that it's lowly for anyone to ask
why your hubby's AGAINST gay marriage even though your daughter licks carpet.


Blowjobs Over Baghdad Bash (Newt Gingrich)
Please RSVP if you've ever cheated on your spouse....
but, think that getting head from an intern is WORSE than invading a country without UN approval.


The "Cry Me A River, Bitch" Brunch
(Elizabeth Hasselbeck)
Please RSVP [for the BIGGEST event of them all] if you:
(1) think it's unfair that blacks can call each other "nigga", but whites can't say "nigger",
(2) believe that racism would disappear if blacks would stop calling each other "nigga",
(3) miss the good ole days when whites could say "nigger" without getting their ass kicked,
(4) think being heckled gives someone the right to start spewing The N Word,
(5) agree with the You Call Me A Racist Myspace bulletin,
(6) think that there's a difference between black people & "niggers",
(7) don't see the point of having Black History Month b-cuz what's in the past is in the past,
(8) don't think that calling someone a "nigger" means that you're racist....
you might've had a bad day,
(9) think that black people have BET even though a white company (Viacom) owns it,
(10) feel that Tony Blogtana played the race card in this blog
even though this isn't a poker game.


Support The NRA Quail Hunt (Dick Cheney)

Please RSVP if you wanna find out [firsthand] why gun control DIDN'T work for Dick....
full body armor will be given complimentary to all participants b-cuz
Mika Huckabee WON'T be telling anyone to duck @ this event.


Bad Intelligence Bash (Colin Powell)
Please RSVP if you've ever mistaken
close-up satellite photos of Saddam's ass for a nuclear reactor.


The Flip Flop Express (John McCain)
Please RSVP if
you've ever spent your entire career fighting AGAINST a federal holiday for MLK
only to comeback apologizing to black people for it as soon as you wanted their vote.


Smoking Poles In The Boy's Room Jam
(Larry Craig)
Please RSVP if you're a closet gay that preaches family values
even though you're steady paying for strange men to suck your dick in bathroom stalls.


Blame It On Negro BBQ (Bob Allen)

Please RSVP if you've ever used "the scary black guy made me do it" as an excuse for
why you got caught looking for male prostitutes in the park @ night.


Uncle Tom's Swinger Party (Clarence Thomas)
Please RSVP if you've gotta fetish for pubic hairs on Coke cans.
Sorry Anita Hill, but no prudes are allowed @ this fuckathon!!!!


Porn In The USA Party (Bill O'Reilly)

Please RSVP if you claim to hate porn but have a crush on Jenna Jameson.


Damn Commies Dinner (Ann Coulter)
Please RSVP if you think that a communist is
anyone that uses their fundamental American right to free speech/press
for a purpose OTHER than kissing Dubya's ass
[even though REAL communists AREN'T even allowed to speak out against their govt].


"Blame Canada, Eh" Bash (Michael Chertoff)
Please RSVP if you think that
Canadian mounties broke the levees just to make our govt. look bad....
how else could they be rescuing folks in The Big Easy for 3 days BEFORE we arrived???


Bullshit Pie Eating Contest (Ari Fleischer)

Please RSVP if you know how to dodge questions & lie through your teeth
without feeling one ounce of guilt.


Patriot Games Pool Party (Donald Rumsfeld)

Please RSVP if you think that it's OK to stroke the American spirit by
lying about soldiers that our own boys killed (Pat Tillman) &
making up stories about airline passengers pulling kamikaze missions even though witnesses in the area have reported seeing a fireball/explosion in the sky (Flight 93).


Killer Crossover Cookout (Joe Lieberman)

Please RSVP if you're still bitter about losing an opportunity that you REALLY wanted
or you're dumb enough to think that affirmative action is about "racial quotas"
even though federal regs have NEVER said that companies must hire x number of minorities.

My old skool blog readers are already well aware of the fact that
I rank brown nosing as the number one lamest thing that I've seen on Myspace.

You see it on here 24/7.

The following snidbit [that I borrwowed from one of my ancient blogs] says it all:

"I've NEVER understood why so many men kiss women's asses on Myspace!!!!
I apologize if you're one of the guys that does this stupid shit....
but, I've gotta call you out on it & yes, I've gotta double standard
[ladies should be the only ones blowing people's heads up b-cuz
it's sexy when a lady says "You're Hot" & it screams "I get no pussy" when a guy does it].

These dudes run around blowing these chicks' heads up 24/7 by littering their profiles w/ BS.
They're always posting lame comments like, 'DAMN GIRL, YOU SHO IS FINE'!!!!
Sometimes I wonder if these guys REALLY think that this will lead them to some coochie....
& when you checkout these chicks' comments section----you'll always see graphics like:


....


Last night, while Carly & I were having another one of our talks.... 
we got on the subject of internet models &
the ass kissers that're steady pumping their heads up.

I ain't tryin' to knock a chick's hustle....
but, alotta guys out here seem to have a REALLY bad habit of
making MOST of these internet models out to be BIGGER than they really are.

Let's be real....  we've either NEVER heard of [or even seen] 99.9% of these chicks before!!!!
They AREN'T household names like Tyra, Melyssa Ford, Vida Guerra, or Esther Baxter....
but, far too many of them are carrying themselves like they've got that kinda status
just b-cuz 1000s of desperate guys are always leaving them butt kissing Myspace comments.

There's no doubt in my mind that alotta them were probably cool, down-to-Earth chicks
until the Myspace ass kissers did enough brown nosing on a daily basis
to turn these ladies into conceited monsters w/ stuck-up, snotty, & stank attitudes overnight.

Do I appreciate a beautiful woman????
Hell yeah, I do!!!!
But, I just so happen to think that the Myspace brown nosing has gone to the extreme.

Nowadays, we've got alotta chicks who look AVERAGE @ best
running around acting like they're a world-renowned Victoria's Secret model.

All that these chicks have gotta do is
post ONE photo of themselves sitting in a chair w/ their bare-naked ass exposed....  
& that's it!!!!

Next thing ya know....  the ass kissers start coming in droves & that chick's NEVER the same.

What's pathetic is when I see these guys posting comments to those chicks' pages
where they're begging them to leave a comment----you know, the kinda shit that's like,
"Hey gorgeous!!!  You're so beautiful!!!!  Please stop by my page & show me some love"!!!

For real, I've even seen niggaz begging w/ the ole "pretty please w/ sugar on top" crap.
I know damn well that James Brown's rollin' in his grave right now b-cuz
he NEVER thought that niggaz would be singin' "Please" to chicks they DON'T even have
[all just to have these women post ONE muthafuckin' Myspace comment to a page].

Even though I sport T&A on my Myspace page....
ass kissing is just sumthin' that I've NEVER been able to bring it upon myself to do.

Whenever I see a hot model, celeb, video girl, or pornstar on Myspace.... 
then, my normal routine is to just send her a friends request & leave it @ that.

But, even if she approves my friends request....
she's still NOT gonna get a "Thank you" comment from me afterwards b-cuz
I figure that she already gets enuff of those & she probably DOESN'T read them anyway.

Regardless of whatta chick does for a living or how much of her body's exposed in her pics....
the bottom line for me is that I've ONLY got love for women that're cool & down-to-Earth!!!!

When I first came to Myspace....
my ex-girlfriend warned me about the fake ass models that're on here
just looking for men to sweat their nuts.
She told me that MOST of them AREN'T gonnabe down-to-Earth @ all....
as she put it, "They DON'T give a damn about you unless you're kissing their ass,
telling them that you wanna fuck, or tryin' to put them in a music video".

She even went so far as to tell me that the WORST ones are gonnabe the BLACK models
[and that's coming from a sista]!!!!
But, can any of us REALLY say that she's WRONG about that???  After all....
a shitload of models [like Eboney Chipman - pictured below] tell you flat-out on their page
that they DON'T even add folks that AREN'T gonna help their career in some kinda way
[nevermind the fact that drooling men are REALLY the ones that determine their success].


About a year later, my boy Joe Styx told me about how alotta internet T&A chicks
were giving him shit b-cuz he HADN'T put them on his Top Myspace friends.
He was like, "I can't believe that these chicks get mad b-cuz they're NOT on my page....
they even send me messages asking me why!!!!
But, they DON'T understand that there are TOO MANY models out here
for me to put ALL of them on mine"!!!!

& to be quite honest, I've experienced the same thing----for instance....
I've had models delete me 24-48 hours AFTER I rotated them outta my Top Friends
[when I was only doing it for the sake of giving somebody else a bit of shine on my page].
I've also been contacted by chicks who've made an issue outta NOT being on mine as well.

But, my question is: 
"How many of them would reciprocate the gesture by putting me on their Top Friends
if they knew that I'd taken it upon myself to put THEM on mine"????

"How many of them would leave a comment on my page
if I took the time to leave one on theirs"????

"How many of them even open the messages that regular guys send to their inbox????
Moreover, how many of them have the decency to write people back"????

Alotta these models just wanna use muthafuckaz as a means to promote themselves....
but, then, they turnaround & show everyone just how self-centered they REALLY are.

Nevertheless, guys continue to post "You're so beautiful" comments to their pages
even though they NEVER even get the SMALLEST hint of genuine thanks in return.

So, just like I decided to downsize my friends list....
I made a decision [this morning] to change the way that I do
the T&A girls that y'all have seen me rotating in & outta my Top Friends for the past 3 years.

Instead of putting chicks on my page just b-cuz they're visually appealing....
I've decided to ONLY put the T&A girls that I've either:
(a) met in real life & discovered were cool as hell---and I DON'T mean @ a video store expo,
(b) spoken w/ on the phone----and I DON'T mean dialing a 1-900 number either,
(c) have had a GOOD, genuine conversation w/ on Myspace @ some point,
(d) received a comment from them WITHOUT my having to leave one on theirs 1st,
(e) gotten a "Happy Birthday" or "Happy Valentine's Day" message from, or
(f) exchanged website banners w/ in the past

What I've decided to do w/ the T&A models that're in my Top Friends
is quite different from the ass kissing that we ALL see guys doing on Myspace.

Consider it just my SMALL way of saying "Thank you" for @ least showing me that
NOT all of these internet models, videogirls, & pornstars
have let the ass kissing that these OTHER men are doing go to their heads
[cuz Lord knows that I'm NOT the one that's gonna leave a "You're so beautiful" comment].

I'm a very nostalgic person [especially when it comes to my childhood].
Being a kid was so much fun & it's probably the reason why I've NEVER truly grown up.
I've got alotta fun memories from my youth.
I remember how we used to have jelly bean fights after Easter
[where all the kids in my neighborhood would bag up their jelly beans &
run around pegging each other w/ them].

Oh BTW - believe me, jelly beans hurt like hell when somebody hits you w/ one....
just ask my friend Mayda who got pegged in the tiddy w/ a jelly bean &
was in so much pain that she COULDN'T breathe!!!!
The funniest part though was when her mama ran outta the house &
started doing The Heimlich Manuever on Mayda in front of everybody
[b-cuz she thought Mayda was choking even though the kid who knocked on their door said, "Mrs. Flores, hurry!!! Mayda just got hit w/ a jelly bean in her tiddy"].

We ALL fell onto the ground @ the sight of it.
There was Mayda's mom giving her The Heimlich Manuever....
& the whole time----Mayda had a look on her face that said,
"WTF are you doing, mom?? I got hit w/ a jelly bean. I'm NOT choking"!!!

Then, there was the time when I got into a fight w/ one of the big kids in my neighborhood &
in the middle of it----the dummy yelled, "Timeout" & dropped his hands to stop fighting.

So, guess what I did????
I just punched him in the face anyway----then, dude started crying & ran into the house.
WTF???? How are you gonna call timeout during a fight. This ain't football.

& speaking of football....
lemmie tell y'all about Carol Herring [the GREATEST athlete in our neighborhood].
She was a straight-up tomboy that might've been the BEST football player I've ever seen.
How good was Carol????
Well, put it this way---my sister, Joe Styx, & I still talk about her skills to this very day.

Carol was a HS kid that was about 6 feet tall, played like Randy Moss on offense,
used to shake niggaz outta their shoes b-cuz her moves were BETTER than Barry Sanders,
she was feared on kick returns b-cuz she was always taking it to the house like Devin Hester,
& NOT only did she play like Deion Sanders on defense---she had a jehri curl like him too.
Carol was just a straight-up BEAST.... to this day, I'd pick her 1st!!!!
& please DON'T make the mistake of thinking that we had slouch players out there.
Our neighborhood was stocked w/ athletes----but, Carol was simply the BEST!!!!


Then, there was Albert----who NOBODY wanted to throw the football to
b-cuz he'd ALWAYS run the WRONG way w/ it.
One time, Carol played a prank on Albert by
unhooking the brakes on his bicycle WITHOUT telling him.... need I say that he crashed?

& speaking of crashes.... lemmie tell y'all 'bout the WORST crash that I've EVER seen!!!
In my neighborhood, there was this long slope of street that all the kids used to race on.
We were like NASCAR out that muthafucka!!!!
We'd all go to the top of the hill & somebody would stand @ the bottom to signal "GO".
Kids would be speeding down the hill on their bikes, big wheels, skateboards, & fire engines.
Sometimes there were as many as 20 of us racing @ a time & we DIDN'T yield for cars.
If a car was coming up the hill----then, we'd just steer around it.

In all the years that we'd been racing----there had only been ONE crash....
the time when my sister [who was 2 years old] ran into the street during a race.
But, the 2nd crash happened 11 years later----in the year 1990....
all that I remember is that I was chilling in tha cut & could see the kids racing down the hill.
My boy Big Bee was playing on a big wheel somewhere nearby.
All that I know is that [for some odd reason] he wandered into the middle of the street....
I guess b-cuz he DIDN'T know that a race was going on.

But, the problem was that he wandered into the middle of the street @ the WORST time....
he did it right when the kids had reached TOP SPEED & were less than 20 feet away.

I remember seeing all the kids speeding down the hill & yelling to Big Bee, "Nooooo"!!!!
Unfortunately, he DIDN'T even see it coming until the very last possible instant....
but, you could see the look of horror on his face as 20 kids were coming @ him full-speed.

All that I know is that I heard a big smack, Big Bee was in midair doing summersalts,
his big wheel was in the air, another kid and his bicycle were spinning in the air too, &
the rest of the kids were guiding their vehicles to avoid the wreck [like they do in NASCAR].
When it was all said n' done----the carnage was unreal.
Big Bee & the other kid were laid out just crying their asses off.
For real, the wreck was sooo bad that I'm surprised they were able to walk away from it
Like Large Marge said in Pee Wee's Big Adventure:
"Yessir, it was the WORST accident I ever seen"!!!!

We had alotta good times as kids.... but, the very BEST times came on
& I'm 100% sure that my boy Joe Styx would agree.
For those that dunno----The Sandlot is whatcha call a "bootleg baseball field".
Ours was the COOLEST though.

I've ALWAYS wanted to do a blog about The Sandlot....
but, I've been putting it off for the longest time.

What's so GREAT about baseball [that makes it so much BETTER than EVERY other sport]
is the fact that it's the ONE sport where your personality truly comes out &
it's the ONE sport where you're truly a family.

We played EVERY sport in my neighborhood....
but, baseball is the ONLY sport that ALL of the kids [boys & girls] played w/ each other.
It DIDN'T matter how old you were----everybody played in the same game.

Some of y'all might start yawning & will think, "Uh oh, here goes a boring sports blog"....
but, trust when I say that SOME of this is gonnabe pure comedy MORE than a sports blog.

The summer of 1990 was the GREATEST summer that we EVER had on The Sandlot
[and you'll soon find out why].

I was 14-15 years old & all of the kids looked up to me b-cuz
they'd heard that I tried out for The San Francisco Giants when I was in 8th grade
[which is TRUE----I just lied about my age @ the tryout b-cuz you had to be @ least 18].
So, basically, the kids in my neighborhood idolized me----I was their Babe Ruth.

The summer of 1990 started by my offering ANY kid in the neighborhood $1
if they could throw ONE strike past me [by making me swing & miss].
Back then, $1 was alotta money b-cuz it could get you stuff @ the ice cream truck.
So, EVERY kid took that as a challenge.
They'd line up & pitch to me as hard as they could----just trying to throw a strike past me.

Outta all the kids, NOBODY ever threw a strike past me----EXCEPT for ONE person....
a 10 year old girl named MELISSA!!!!
I dunno how she did it----but, somehow, she got me to swing & miss @ one of her fastballs
[sumthin' that RARELY happened to me on any level while I was playing baseball].
And when she did, there was a HUGE celebration in my neighborhood amongst the kids.
BTW - yes, I gave her the $1 in front of everyone.

Melissa started sumthin' huge.
From that point forward, the kids in my neighborhood asked me to teach them how to play.
So, my best friend @ the time (Troy) & I agreed to
spend our summer teaching the little kids in our neighborhood how to play baseball.

We lived next to 2 softball fields----but, Troy & I knew that we COULDN'T play there b-cuz
the softball teams were always playing games there in the afternoon & would kick us off.

So, we decided to turn a small lot of grass & trees [next to our houses]
into our own field of dreams.

Each day, we played a doubleheader [2 games in one day] & we kept stats for all the games.
We even taught the kids how to keep stats----which they eventually did on their own
whenever Troy & I WEREN'T there playing w/ them.

We had a slaughter rule in place----if you were down by 12 runs after 5 innings....
then, the game was over!!!!

We also had a rule in place called
"Ghost man" is an imaginary baserunner.
Since we DIDN'T have 9 players on each team [like you're supposed to in baseball]....
there was always the chance that you might be on base when it's YOUR turn to hit.
In the event that sumthin' like this happened....
you had to shout "Ghost Man" BEFORE you could leave the base & go to hit
[or else you could be tagged out].

If you yelled out "Ghost Man" BEFORE leaving the base....
then, it was understood that your base was gonnabe occupied by an imaginary runner.
The ONLY way that you could get that imaginary runner OUT
was to run to the next base w/ the ball in your hand BEFORE the hitter reached 1st base.
& yes, ties would ALWAYS go to the runner.
The "Ghost Man" ended up playing a MAJOR role in games.

BTW - even though we had catchers----stealing bases WASN'T allowed
b-cuz the bases were too close together to throw anybody out.

Now.... the thing that made our field so unique were the fences!!!!

The left field fence was basically a 100 foot high hill that had a 6 foot fence @ the top of it.
Even though it DIDN'T take much distance to hit it over that fence....
ya still had to hit a towering flyball just to crank a homerun over it [which was HARD to do].
All of the pitchers would INTENTIONALLY throw the ball @ the outer 1/2 of the plate
just to keep hitters from hitting the ball to left field.
So, if you hit a homerun there----believe me, it was only b-cuz the pitcher made a mistake
by throwing a TOO HIGH pitch over the inner 1/2 of the plate.
That was the ONLY way that anyone ever hit homeruns to left field.

The centerfield fence wasn't really a fence @ all....
it was just a big ass tree that stood about 200 feet away in the middle of the field.
Any ball that landed beyond it was considered a homerun.
But, MOST of us DIDN'T hit the ball to centerfield
b-cuz of the risk of hurting the pitcher w/ a batted ball.

The rightfield fence was LESS than 100 feet away....
but, it was the HARDEST place to hit a homerun.
We called it The Green Monster [after the infamous wall in Fenway Park, Boston]
..
What's so cool about OUR green monster is that
it WASN'T a fence, a wall, nor was it even green.
OUR green monster was a white shed that was about 10 feet HIGH &
it was a left-handed hitter's dream b-cuz it was so close!!!!
Since Joe Styx was the ONLY lefty outta all the kids....
he was the ONLY one that EVER hit homeruns over there.

But, hitting homeruns over OUR green monster WASN'T easy....
there was a line of tall trees leading up to it that formed our right field foul line.
If you hit a ball & it touched the trees----then, it was FOUL ball!!!!
The ONLY way that you could hit a homerun over OUR green monster
was to hit a pitch PERFECTLY down the line & pray that it DIDN'T touch a tree on the way.
If you hit the ball too low----then, the 1st baseman would catch it &
if you DIDN'T hit it hard enough----then, one of the outfielders would catch it
or the ball would bounce off the shed and bounce back into the field of play.

Right now, I wanna do a roll call dedication to EVERYBODY that played w/ us that summer.
BTW - This is where the comical part starts.

Da Bambino (me)
I won the triple crown that year
by leading our league in batting average (.730), homeruns (21), & RBIs (82).
Whenever I'd come to the plate----all of the kids would yell, "He's up" & move wayyy back.

Troy
He was the clown prince of our league----he made everybody laugh.
Troy was from Southeast D.C. (the hood) & used to tell us all kinds of crazy ass stories about
crackheads suckin' dick for $5, people gettin' shot w/ UZIs, feelin' up counselors @ camp, &
he was always swearing that we needed to let a chickenhead toss our salad someday.
On the field though----Troy had the strongest arm that I've EVER seen on anyone!!!!
He was only 13 years old, but he threw HARDER than anybody that I've EVER faced.
We nicknamed him Randy Johnson b-cuz he threw so hard.
I've faced guys that threw 90+ mph & I swear that Troy threw HARDER than they did.
He finished 2nd to me in every offensive category....
his batting average was .586, he hit 18 homeruns, & he finished w/ 69 RBIs.

Eddie
Troy's brother was a great 1st baseman who NEVER made an error.
He was funny as hell too----especially on days when he & Troy used to start fighting.
Eddie's girlfriend was a chick that we knew named Sandia &
we used to always talk about how big Sandia's tiddies were.
Back in the days, I woulda fucked Sandia---but, I WOULDN'T touch her now (she's a mess).
Eddie finished 3rd to me in every offensive category....
his batting average was .500, he hit 14 homeruns, & he finished w/ 54 RBIs.

Joe Styx
This was wayyy back when Joe used to wear glasses.
Troy nicknamed him "Billy Blind" & I used to call him "Rick Moranis".
But, Joe was a damn good player & again, he was the ONLY lefty outta all the kids.
That summer, Joe batted .470 & finished w/ 9 homeruns [all went over OUR green monster].

Miss A.
A former softball player that could play her ass off.
Miss A. was the most aggressive baserunner out there!!!! She ran hard!!!!
& yes, she could hit too----Miss A. hit 7 homeruns & NONE of them were CHEAP.

Jerry A.
Even though he was 11 years old----he was the BEST fielder outta all the kids....
but, he also had the WORST temper!!!
Troy & I were always having to play Dr. Phil whenever Jerry'd make a mistake in a game.
But, you've gotta LOVE players like that b-cuz they have a passion for winning!!!!
He batted .310 & hit 6 homeruns.

Melissa A.
The infamous 10 year old girl who got me to swing & miss for $1.
She was a great pitcher & was usually on the winning side whenever she was pitching.
Melissa also was a great fielder who could outrun most of the boys
[which came in handy whenever there was a ghost man on base].
She won alotta games w/ her speed.
Melissa batted .286 & hit 3 homeruns----all of them were inside-the-park though.

Crystal A.
Now, this cute little girl was truly sumthin' special.
She stood only 3 feet tall & was ONLY 5 years old----the YOUNGEST outta all the kids.
Crystal had a crush on me----so, I ALWAYS had to pick her for my team [or else she'd cry]....
but, she WASN'T a liability by any means!!!!
Lemmie tell y'all about Crystal----she was whatcha call a "closer" in baseball.
A "closer" is the LAST pitcher that you bring into the game [when you're winning] &
the closer's job is to shut the door on the other team.
& believe me----that's exactly what Crystal used to do!!!!
Crystal was the ULTIMATE closer!!!!
She'd sit on the bench & would play w/ dolls until it was time for me to call her into the game.

But, when she'd come into the game----everybody knew that it was OVER!!!!
Crystal NEVER gave up ONE run during the whole summer!!!!
B-cuz she was so short, her pitches came in knee-high [making it impossible to hit homeruns]
& her pitches came in sooooo damn slow that EVERY hitter went up trying to kill them!!!!
But, that was the problem....
her pitching style got everybody out b-cuz NOBODY could make solid contact on the ball.
I faced her 1x & she even got me out by making me hit a pop fly!!!! I couldn't help but laugh.
NOBODY could get a good hit off her----she'd ALWAYS put the ball in the PERFECT spot.
When Crystal came into the game----you could see all hope disappear in the other team.

But, on one particular occassion, Crystal WASN'T on her game. I dunno what happened.
I called her into the game to close it out, gave her the ball, & she gave up 3 hits in a row.
For the 1st time, she COULDN'T get anybody out & we were only up by ONE run.
I DIDN'T wanna see her give up a run----so, I decided to protect her 0.00 ERA.
BTW - an ERA is the average number of runs that a pitcher gives up every 9 innings.

That day [when Crystal clearly DIDN'T have her stuff & was on the verge of losing it]....
I walked to the pitcher's mound & asked Crystal to gimmie the ball b-cuz I was benching her.
I said to her, "Crystal, you HAVEN'T given up a run all year. But, you DON'T have it today.
I have all the confidence in the world in your ability. But, I'm doing this to save your ERA".

Crystal handed me the ball & then, she broke down crying
b-cuz she COULDN'T believe that I WASN'T gonna let her close the game out.
She was beside herself----but, everybody knew why I was benching her for the day.
Crystal handled it just like REAL closers in major league baseball do----she was upset!!!!
But, like they say in baseball:
"The true test of a closer is whether they can bounce back after having a bad outing"!!!
Well, the next day, Crystal cameback & was the same ole pitcher that she'd ALWAYS been.
She NEVER pitched bad after that &
finished the season undefeated w/ a 3-0 record, 12 saves, & an unbelievable 0.00 ERA!!!!

Lexi
Lexi was the 14 year old cousin of Jerry, Melissa, & Crystal.
ALL the boys had a crush on her.
We used to love it when Lexi would play b-cuz she was fine & had big ass tiddies.
The boys would give her good pitches on purpose & would make errors on purpose
just so we could watch her tiddies jiggle as she ran around the bases.
We also NEVER tried to get her out by throwing the ball----we ALWAYS tried to tag her.


Pedro
If we had an all-star game ballot----then, you'd better NOT vote for Pedro here!!!!
He NEVER won a game, was the WORST pitcher, & finished w/ an 0-16 record that summer.
Whenever he'd throw the ball----it was either gonnabe a homerun OR a hit.
Sometimes, Pedro would grab his head after pitching the ball [before the hitter even swung]
b-cuz he knew that he'd just given up a homerun....
& sure enough, whenever he did that shit----the ball ended up getting creamed!!!!
The sad thing is that we HAD to let him pitch b-cuz he was so uncoordinated in the field.

Kenny
Talked MORE shit for a kid that was the 2nd WORST pitcher out there.
Troy nicknamed him "sausage lips" b-cuz he said that
Kenny's lips looked like 2 crusty sausages that somebody had formed into a mouth.
He finished the season w/ a 5-14 record.

Billy
He played catcher b-cuz he was the BIGGEST kid out there & couldn't run fast.
We DIDN'T play nice on the sandlot----there were times when we had homeplate collisions....
but, Billy was ALWAYS the one who came up standing after a collision!!!!
There even was a fight that came outta one of those collisions----Billy choked the kid out.

Vick

LOL - this nigga used to play catcher w/ a FOOTBALL helmet on his head
[to protect himself during homeplate collisions].

Solomon
Was involved in MOST of the homeplate collisions & yes, he was the one that Billy choked.
One day, everybody fell out on the bench b-cuz Troy said that
"Solomon looks like Denver The Last Dinosaur"!!!!
The sad thing is that he did!!!!

Little Carlos
This 6 year old was fast as hell!!!! If he got on the bases, then he almost always scored.
Carlos had a speech impediment & COULDN'T pronounce his Ls or his Rs.
He'd be like, "I gotta west my yegs"!!!!


@ the end of the summer [when Troy & I felt that we had taught the kids all we could]....
we decided to challenge the adults in our neighborhood to a Labor Day game on a REAL field!!!!
The adults laughed & thought that we were kidding around----but, we WEREN'T joking.
So, they accepted our challenge & formed a team of GROWN MEN!!!!

When we told the kids that the adults had accepted----almost ALL of the kids got scared.
Some were like, "Oh no, we're NEVER gonna beat them"!!!!
But, Troy & I assured them that we were gonna win as long as we played together!!!!
We said, "This is the 1st time that we'll ALL be playing together as a team.
Every other time we've split us up. But, this time, we're gonnabe ONE unit!!!!
So, when we play them----we're gonna go out there & do what we do"!!!

That Sunday, we went out there & played our asses off against GROWN MEN.
In the 1st inning, the adults tried to getaway w/ taking it easy on us....
but, they had no choice but to take us seriously when we jumped out to a 3-0 lead on them
after Joe Styx got the 1st hit, Troy followed w/ a homerun, & I followed w/ another homer.

When it was all said n' done----we beat those GROWN MEN 5-3!!!!
I'll NEVER forget how we threw our gloves in the air & mobbed each other in celebration
like we'd won The World Series!!!!

5:19 PM 

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Well, since I'm such an irresponsible adult....   the following blog is rated


Still, I'm gonna treat this blog like the box office that DOESN'T check IDs
[which is why my cousin can still access it].

BTW ladies - just b-cuz my cousin's allowed in here DOESN'T mean that
it's LEGAL for y'all to make suggestive comments to him over the internet [even as a joke].
Granted, the age of consent in The State Of Maryland is 16----but, y'all AREN'T in his face!!!

OK, let's begin!!!!

This is a tag blog called Sex 101 that I stumbled across a few weeks ago....
& no, I'm NOT tagging anyone [feel free to tag yourselves if you'd like].


1.  This is an experience where you were having sex & something happened that embarrassed you....
but the sex was good/great that if had the chance to change it....
you would do it all over again – embarrassment & all

Hmmm, an embarrassing experience that I'd do all over again????

OK, let's go back to the very 1st time that I had sex.
Here's what happened....

I asked my friend (Roo) if I could borrow his house
[b-cuz his parents were outta town & I wanted to be alone w/ my ex-girlfriend].

BTW - Roo's one of the guys that I made the infamous bet w/ that led to my being devirginized.
I DIDN'T think that it'd be enuff for me to say, "Y'all gotta pay up b-cuz I fucked my ex"....
I knew that fucking my ex in a bed that was in the house of one of the guys who'd bet me
would be the EASIEST way to leave NO DOUBT as to what I'd done!!!!

Roo was cool w/ letting me borrow his house for the afternoon....
so, he left the place unlocked & told me which bedroom was OK for me to use.

Then, I promised him that I'd be outta there by 2:15 [when school let out] b-cuz
he said that his grandmother [who was watching the place] would be back in the afternoon.
Roo was like, "My grandma is here visiting from Portugal.
Whatcha gotta understand about her is that she's still set in the stone age
where she thinks that Black people are slaves.
So, try your best to be outta there BEFORE she comes home.
If you're still there when she walks into the place----then, she might have a heart attack.
So, if sumthin' goes wrong---just tell her that you're the maid & everything oughta be OK.
I'll just explain it to her when I get home".

Sometime during the day, I DIDN'T think that my ex & I were gonnabe able to make it over.
I was having an impossible time trying to find a ride [b-cuz the senior BBQ was that day].
So, I told Roo that we'd probably NOT end up going to his house as originally planned.

But, later in the day, my ex & I decided to go over @ the last minute
b-cuz my friend (Kate) offered to give us a ride....
unfortunately, we DIDN'T tell Roo that we'd changed our minds.

So, Kate drove me & my ex to Roo's house @ shortly after high noon. 
When we got there----my ex & I chilled out for a few hours [just talking about "us"].
Then, we started messing around, things escalated to foreplay, she gave me a tongue bath,
& I officially got myself in the coochie @ exactly 2:15!!!!

Sometime, shortly AFTER 3 PM----we heard a voice yell from downstairs,
"Emery, is that you"???
It was Roo [and he wasn't alone b-cuz we could hear somebody else laughing]!!!!

Even though my ex & I were in the middle of fucking----I screamed, "Yeah, it's me"!!!!

Then, Roo said, "I thought that you WEREN'T coming"???

To which I responded, "Well, I am now"!!!!
Now, folks, I WASN'T really coming per se----I was just being funny while hittin' the skins.

Then, I decided to get even MORE comical w/ it by saying,
"Come on upstairs, have a seat, & watch"????

That's when my ex pushed my off & said,
"I CAN'T believe that you just invited him upstairs".

Roo [and whoever was w/ him] declined to come upstairs & watch....
they just ran outta the house laughing.
So, of course, my ex & I went back to our fuck session.

@ 5 PM, I got home & my phone was already ringing off-the-hook.
EVERYBODY was calling me [girls & guys alike] b-cuz
Roo had gone back to school & told everyone that he caught me having sex in his house.
Muthafuckaz were even driving to my house & knocking on-the-door to ask if it was true.

But, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.


2.  This experience you would never do again....
& if you had the chance to erase it out of your life/memory....
you would take it

The ONLY time that I tried to have sex AFTER getting piss drunk (I think that I was 19).
My ex [a different one] & I killed a case of Coors between ourselves BEFORE going upstairs.

Everything was going great....
EXCEPT for the fact that her jealous kitten kept jumping on my ass & meowing.

I'd gotten myself into the coochie & was JUST STARTING to hit it....
but, then, I suddenly felt the urge to urinate.
So, I said, "I'm sorry----but, I've gotta go to the bathroom".

I went to the bathroom, urinated [a long 8-ball piss], flushed the toilet, &
suddenly noticed that my johnson WOULDN'T get erect anymore [b-cuz I was too drunk]!!!
I tried to beat my meat----but, NOTHING was working.

Unfortunately, I had to go back into the bedroom & tell my ex that I COULDN'T get it up.
She was pissed off & told all of her friends about it the next day.
After that----I knew that I could NEVER date another chick that I went to HS w/ ever again.


3.  Where is the most embarrassing/dangerous/revealing place
you have ever had sex????
I'm talking church, library, airplane, bridge, elevator....
I'm not talking somewhere safe like a tent in the woods people

Outside during a thunderstorm [with lightning flashing all around us]
near a big ass tree w/ our bodies pressed against a large metal fence
w/ 4 houses around us that had their windows wide open as well as their lights on.
It WASN'T hard to see us out there.
This is definitely one of the DUMBEST things that I've ever done.


4. on a scale of 1-10, how much do you love receiving oral sex?
On a scale of 1-10, how much do you love giving oral sex?
Are there any considerations or something that will
stop you from giving oral sex
(like a new partner, blackberries, earning your red wings,
you don't want to be a member of the yeastie boys)?

Receiving oral sex is a 10 for me.

Giving oral sex would rate as a 9 for me [only b-cuz it's NOT being done on me]....
but, I absolutely LOVE the taste, smell, & being squirted.

The things that would STOP me from giving oral sex are
a foul odor, STDs, bumps that AREN'T goose bumps, a menstrating female, cold sores,
abrasions, the sight of a penis in my face, puss, farting [and I DON'T mean quiffs either].


5.  Have any fetishes you are willing to disclose????
Do you get off on leather, women's shoes,
licking your lovers toes, golden showers????
I could go on – but I think you get the idea

I DON'T really get off on leather
unless it's a super-skin-tight leather dress that hugs the hell outta chick's plump booty.

I also CAN'T say that I've tried the golden shower....
but, surprisingly, it's NOT sumthin' that I'd shy away from if my woman asked me to try it
[though I'm sure that 99.9% of the people reading my blog WOULDN'T go there].

However, if you read my Encyclopedia To Deez Nuts blog (4/3/08)....
then, you already know that I have a serious fetish for

Pretty Painted Feet/Toes


Huge Knockers
& banging a butt naked chick that's ONLY wearing
Stripper Shoes



6.  What type of sexual games do you play?
Do you ever play with toys, how about dress up?
How about play doctor? Do you use props?
What's your favorite sexual game?
Ever traced the alphabet with your tongue?

I DON'T play alotta games in bed----that's NOT really my cup of tea.
If anything, I just try my very best to turn my house into a XXX set &
make the sex as close to what you'd see in a porno movie [as humanly possible].

Yes, I play w/ toys----but, they're NOT sumthin' that I use 99.9% of the time.

I've NEVER played doctor----but, I'd be down w/ it as long as
my lady was dressed as a slutty nurse w/ her boobs busting outta the outfit.

I DON'T really use props----but, I'm down w/ handcuffs & having sex in front of a mirror.

& yes, I've traced the alphabet----but, my own style is soooo much better on women.


7. Vanilla, chocolate, or bubble gum?
If you're unsure what I mean here....

Do your consider yourself VANILLA
(meaning missionary sex, once a week, with your husband/wife,
and then fade off to sleep after a possible orgasm
by one or both of you, if any)????

Or are you CHOCOLATE
(meaning switch it up a little, bring in some toys,
have sex during different hours whenever the mood hits, and always an orgasm, maybe a couple for both of you,
with sex whenever the mood hits, maybe once a day/night)???

Or are you BUBBLE GUM
(anything goes, swinger, multiple partners,
sex several times a day, multiple orgasms,
own every toy or gadget known to man or don't need them)???

Hmmmm, I'm actually a mix of all 3....

I'm VANILLA in the sense that I DON'T have sex nearly as frequently as y'all would think.
Sex really ISN'T that high on the totem pole, for me [even though I LOVE it].
To tell you the truth----a woman will usually initiate the sex @ least 75% of the time w/ me....
but, that's b-cuz I like aggressive females.

But, I'm CHOCOLATE in the sense that there are times when I'll surprise the hell outta you
by having spurts where I'll suddenly [unexpectedly] take the initiative & do it in bunches!!!
You'll think that I injected myself w/ a drug & will be like, "Damn WTF has gotten into you".
& when that happens----I'll have sex @ any time during the day!!!!
I'm also CHOCOLATE b-cuz I've mastered the art of having a simultaneous orgasm &
learned a long time ago how to make a woman cum once every 5-7 minutes.

Unfortunately, I'm NOT really BUBBLE GUM when it comes to having multiple sex partners.
The ONLY exceptions that I'm willing to make are
when I'm either single or doing sumthin' sexual w/ pornstars.

Yes, I'll go to a swinger club w/ my girl----but, ONLY females are allowed to touch her....
furthermore, I WON'T even allow those females to touch me
[unless it's to rub my skin OR they're feeding my johnson to my girl].
When I'm w/ you----then, I'm w/ YOU!!!!
Fucking in front of an audience is really the ONLY reason why I'll go to a swinger club.

However, when I'm REALLY in the mood----then, my BUBBLE GUM side DOES emerge.
You WILL have multiple orgasms & [believe me] they WILL come once every 5-7 minutes.
As y'all know----I'm a math geek & according to my calculations w/ ALL sex partners had....
for every 15 minutes of penetration w/ me---a lady will sleep for ONE hour after we're done!!!
& when she wakes up----there WILL be times when I'll be ready to go 1-2 more rounds.
I DON'T need toys to give women this kinda satisfaction----I'm already working w/ enough.


8. X-X-X been there, done that?
What was the first sexual item you have ever bought
[excluding KY Jelly at Walmart....
I am talking your first trip to the sex shop,
the adult book store, or that intimate catalog online?)

As for XXX....  the answer is yes & no.

No, I've NEVER officially been an actor on a XXX set nor have I videotaped the act yet.
But, if you read my blog from 6/4/2008 as well as the one from 11/20/2007....
then, ya know that I recently was forced to ACCEPT that
I've had a 3some w/ a pornstar & her girlfriend [even though I DIDN'T fuck either chick].

Yes, the whole act was videotaped by someone in the room & I dunno where the footage is.
Also, several pics were taken & 95% of them I DON'T even own!!!!
So, I guess that it's safe to say that I've done AMATEUR porn w/ a PROFESSIONAL pornstar.
There's no way in Hell that I could EVER run for public office now
[b-cuz I know that the photos/video would surely surface & cause a sleazy scandal].

As for the 1st item that I ever bought @ a sex shop.
LOL - it was a SILVER CHROME VIBRATOR!!!!
If you've been reading my blog for a while....
then, you can probably guess [pretty easily] which chick I bought it to use on.
But, I DON'T wannabe accused of bragging for the 1000th time----so, I'll give a clue instead:



9.  One, two, three, four, five?
Come clean – have you ever experienced group sex,
ever partaken in an orgy or ever wanted to?
Ever had a Menage-a-trois? Ever been at a bath house and not known how many you have partaken of?

Group sex???? 
Ummm, NOT according to my standards. 
But, on @ least 2 occasions, I've had a group of people watching me have sex [of some type].

Have I ever partaken in orgy or ever wanted to????
No, I've NEVER actually partaken in an orgy----but, I must admit that I've wanted to.

Ever had a menage-a-trois???
1st of all, I always thought that this was the same thing as group sex [or is it].
2nd, I coulda sworn that I already answered this question in number 8.

I just ALWAYS told myself "no" b-cuz penetration WASN'T involved.
But, a considerable amount of folks have helped me realize that
if it counts for lesbians & bi-chicks----then, it counts for me
[b-cuz I'm a lesbo too since I ONLY like women].

As for the bath house stuff....   WTF kinda question is THAT???? 
No, I'm NOT Greek & though I am a caesar----I DIDN'T descend from The Romans.

10. Bareback or Brokeback?
Tell the truth----do you lay rubber (safe sex)
or are you in a committed relationship?
Do you prefer not to lay rubber?
Are you bareback or brokeback?
If you are into the southern route do you use a dental dam?

Honestly, I can only think of 3 instances where I've actually used a rubber.
Though I strongly ENDORSE safe sex when you're NOT in a monogamous relationship....
I still must say that sex w/ a rubber just DOESN'T compare to bareback sex whatsoever!!!!
It's like tryin' to compare ant hills to The Himalayas.

1st of all, I'm very selective about my sex partners &
it's RARE when I fuck someone that I HAVEN'T known for a considerable amount of time.

Yes, I'm a risk taker in alotta ways----but, when it comes to sex....
I prefer to sleep w/ women that I'm 100% sure have my best interest @ heart
[the kinda chicks that WOULDN'T be cruddy enough to endanger my health & well-being].

2nd of all, I try NOT to stick my johnson into
women that I WOULDN'T wanna have a baby with!!!!
Sure, I've done it a few times----but, DON'T think that I HAVEN'T beaten myself up over it.

As for using a dental dam....
I must admit that I'm ahelluvalot MORE liberal w/ carpet munching than I am w/ vaginal sex.

Even though dental dams are for safe sex....
personally, I DON'T think that I need to be putting my mouth on a woman
if I'm THAT worried about catching sumthin' from her!!!!
Therefore, I've NEVER bothered to use dental dams while going downtown.
I like the taste of a woman's body too much.

As for brokeback???? 
Fuck no!!!!  Never have, never will, DON'T like to think about it, & I DON'T wanna see it.