Gender: Female
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 25
Sign: Scorpio
City: Eugene
State: Oregon
Country: US
Signup Date: 1/14/2006
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Thursday, August 07, 2008
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Category: Life
 How does he know what goes on in my brain?
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Thursday, April 03, 2008
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Current mood:  giddy
Category: Life
So I found this website tonight to make a list of 101 things to do in 1001 days.
The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.
The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).
1. Get another tattoo on my foot of the Scorpio M sign 2. Send out 50 homemade cards, not including holiday cards sent out to a large group 3. Make Christmas cards 4. Participate in a craft fair 5. Read Atlas Shrugged 6. Go to the dentist 7. Run/jog a 5K 8. Snowboard on something not considered the bunny hill 9. Identify 100 things that make me happy 10. Make a mini album of those things 11. Release 10 books 12. Practice yoga 120 times 13. Do yoga outside 14. Save $500 in my savings account 15. Get a handle on my debt 16. Eat organic for a month and evaluate how I feel at the end of the month 17. Go camping 18. Make a budget and try very hard to stick to it 19. Use a pottery wheel again 20. Hike at Mt. Pisgah Arboretum 21. Plant a small garden 22. Vote every time I can 23. Visit at least three new states 24. Do not use a new grocery bag at a grocery store or anywhere else for a month 25. Donate blood five times 26. Go horseback riding on the coast 27. Get married 28. Go to Vegas 29. Go to NYC 30. Get a bike and ride it 31. Visit OMSI 32. Visit the Experience Music Project in Seattle 33. Make a recycle center in my house to keep the recyclables, trash and compost separate 34. Compost 35. Go to six concerts 36. Figure out the whole going back to school thing and make a plan 37. Buy a crockpot and make five new recipes in it 38. Try 10 new local restaurants 39. Play tennis 40. Go golfing 41. Join a CSA 42. Work on cleaning once a week for an hour 43. Fit into a size 10 44. Visit five national parks 45. Blog 120 times 46. Be soda free for one month 47. Shop at the farmers market 10 times 48. Buy/obtain wine glasses 49. Visit a brewery 50. Make 40 ATC’s for my spinner in 2008 51. Live off $200 cash for a month (not including bill payments, basically groceries/food, entertainment) 52. See the Sex in the City movie 53. Take vitamins once a day for a month 54. Knit something from start to finish 55. Go internet free for 48 hours (including at work) must not be while on vacation/out of town 56. Watch a meteor shower 57. Floss for 30 days straight 58. Leave a 50% tip 59. Decorate a canvas 60. Figure out a good way to organize my scrapbooking paper 61. Find a way to see Mitch 62. Find a way to see Sam 63. Go see a play 64. Go to the coast eight times 65. No alcohol for three months 66. Visit five museums or historical sites 67. Go to Crater Lake 68. Try ten new recipes 69. Read four non-fiction books 70. Make stewed/roasted tomatoes and freeze them 71. Compile all my favorite recipes in one place 72. Get special recipes from mom 73. Get special recipes from Grandma (ROLLS) 74. Make ten new pages for Aubrianna’s scrapbooking 75. Get pictures for pages for Aubrianna’s scrapbook 76. Eat vegetarian for one week 77. Join a book club 78. Take a box of stuff to Goodwill 79. Get Renee to come and visit me 80. Have a spa day 81. Go to a music festival 82. Document a day in my life with photos 83. Buy a new (used) car 84. Get my license 85. Write a list of 50 things I love about Jon (before 27) 86. Buy 10 homemade gifts (from etsy.com or something similar) 87. Make and give 10 gifts 88. Go to Seattle on the train 89. Go to a winery 90. Create a birthday/special day list 91. Get a Netflix subscription 92. Buy a nice set of towels 93. Buy a bed 94. Buy nice linens for the bed 95. Send five care packages to people I love 96. Get to my goal weight 97. Maintain goal weight until the end of 1001 days 98. Be on time everywhere for a week 99. Volunteer three times 100. Donate $5 for everything not completed on this list 101. Make a new list
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Monday, December 24, 2007
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Current mood:  groggy
Category: Life
Can I just say that I hate the end/beginning of new years. I know it's a fresh start, a new beginning whatever, but I hate it. I have the grandious hopes for the new year, then I get overwhelmed and give up and in turn become depressed and upset with myself because I didn't get shit done.
I can say that I'm ready for a change. I feel like I'm not living my life right now. I'm just going through the motions. Don't get me wrong, the motions are good, but I'm still saying to myself, "Is this is?" I am completely happy with my relationship right now. Jon and I are doing fabulous. I'm finally feeling secure with us. It's an amazing feeling.
Maybe I always need something to worry about and that's the problem. Now that I don't have to stress and fret about me and Jon, I feel the need to stress and fret about everything else. I'm really going to try to work on my health this year. I'm going to participate in a pretty intense program that the hospital offers that involves behavioral changes and such, so I think that will be awesome and I'm really looking forward to it.
I'm also going to focus on living life, not necessarily changing what I'm doing right now, but living what I'm doing. Not just going through the motions and feeling numb. Is that something you can make an effort to change, can you really make an effort to feel things? I think that if I work on creating more and being more active and alert in life, it will definately help.
I have no idea why I choose to write blogs at 4 am. I can't sleep, my mind is racing over a vast field of nothing (see I can write sometimes) and it won't stop. Sometimes I think if I write down what I'm feeling it will make it go away, or that the goals will somehow solidify without any work, because I don't really like that whole work thing.
My parents are going to be here in like 36 hours. It's crazy exciting to me. My apartment is semi-clean which is the most amazing thing ever (thanks Jon and Corinne).
I hope everyone has a lovely holiday season. Peace be with you and yours.
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Sunday, November 11, 2007
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Category: Romance and Relationships
I been sittin' here starin' At the clock on the wall And I been layin' here prayin' Prayin' she won't call It's just another call from home And you'll get it and be gone And I'll be cryin' And I'll be beggin' you, baby
Beg you not to leave But I'll be left here waitin' With my heart on my sleeve Oh, for the next time we'll be here Seems like a million years And I think I'm dyin' What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees I'm so tired of bein' lonely Don't I give you what you need When she calls you to go There is one thing you should know We don't have to live this way Baby, why don't you stay
You keep tellin' me, baby
There will come a time When you will leave her arms And forever be in mine But I don't think that's the truth And I don't like bein' used And I'm tired 'a waitin'
It's too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees I'm so tired of bein' lonely Don't I give you what you need When she calls you to go There is one thing you should know We don't have to live this way Baby, why don't you stay (yeah) I can't take it any longer
But my will is gettin' stronger And I think I know just what I have to do I can't waste another minute After all that I put in it I've given you my best Why does she get the best of you So next time you'll find You wanna leave her bed for mine Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees I'm so tired of bein' lonely You can't give me what I need When she begs you not to go There is one thing you should know I don't have to live this way Baby, why don't you stay, yeah
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Thursday, November 08, 2007
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Current mood:  chipper
Category: Life
In list format:
1. Thank you all for my birthday wishes, phone calls and text messages. I totally appreciate them! Even those of you that I'm not able to see on a regular basis, you all mean the world to me.
2. Idaho was fucking great. It was the perfect amount of time to be there. I wish I could have spent more time with some people, but that's the way five day trips are. Anyone who I missed while I was home, I'm sorry and I hope to see you when I make it back again.
3. I think that the trip was exactly what I needed to start to get out of my funk. I've been much more motivated to get some much needed shit done and taken care of since I've been back. I know that lack of motivation is a huge sign in my life of being depressed, so actually being motivated to do shit is a super good thing.
4. It's amazing how being away from the day to day eliments makes you realize how perfect the person that you are currently with is. When you have stuff to do to keep you busy, there is no need to find little stupid things to argue about (I'm really good at picking fights, it's not a good trait, note to self: work on that). I think sometimes stability in my life is difficult for me to handle. Like, at first, everything is fabulous and wonderful (and new) in relationships, and when that phase burns off, I'm all like, "Uh, what do I do now?" It's not easy for me, and it's definately not easy for the other partner (right babe?). Add in my depression/moodiness with that mixture and I'm about the most unappealing person in the entire world to date. I guess what I'm saying, is that now I'm consistantly trying to make an effort to be happy, and be in a happy relationship. When all is said and done, and I am happy, and the relationship isn't, well, I'll cross that bridge when it comes, but right now I'm all about living for now.
5. Life is about to get busy. I'm getting my apartment cleaned up and organized so I can totally bust ass to get ready for the craft fair that I'm doing. I already have some stuff finished but I have a huge pile of stuff to do before I'm ready, and it's less then a month away. Add into that mix a possible weekend trip to Bend area and snowboarding season coming up and a super excited boyfriend about snowboarding season, don't hate me if I'm not uber chatty all the time.
a. Please don't think I don't like a bunch of music because I have multiple quotes from a couple of bands as my blog titles. I seriously have it on suffle until I find a song that has lyrics I like. I really do like a lot of music!
 | Currently listening: Purr By Dance Hall Crashers Release date: 24 August, 1999 |
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Wednesday, October 17, 2007
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Current mood:  gloomy
Category: Life
I had this epiphany today, in the bath tub.
Maybe why I like to live away from my family and friends is because it's much easier to mask the depression that way.
It's not as easy when there is someone close to you in proximity that also cares about you. How do you hide from it then?
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Saturday, October 13, 2007
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Current mood:  melancholy
Category: Life
It's been a year since the move. Since I left my friends and family and everything familar in Boise to move to Eugene. I've only considered moving home twice, and I wouldn't really classify it as considered, in moments of weakness, I wanted to feel safe a feeling that I feel when I'm in Boise. A comfort I suppose. I finally feel almost stable here. I have an apartment, and a real benefited position at the hospital. I usually have money in my bank account, thanks to my parents sometimes. I usually have food in my cupboards. It's a good thing.
It's been six months, as of yesterday, since I said to Jon, I think I'm going to change my myspace status. That is was made it official with us. Ironically, my status is currently single, I need to change that back.
It's strange, completely foreign to me. This is the longest relationship I've been in since highschool. Sometimes it feels surell, like I don't have the slightest idea of what I'm doing. I don't think that some people understand it. I'm not the type of person who ever longed to be in a relationship. Most of the time I was perfectly happy single. All I had to worry about was myself. It's so stupid. I wish I could be completely confident in our relationship. I wish that I had faith that it's not going to come crumbling down.
Lately I feel like I've been on the outside looking in. Like I'm observing my life. I get up, go to work, come home, sometimes I go out, other times I stay in. I'm not sure if it's the change of the seasons that's doing this or what. Then a wave of emotion hits me. Blindsides me out of no where, and I actually feel something. When that happens it's so incrediably intense that I don't know what to do but cry and realize that this is for real.
Most typically this happens with Jon. I realize that what he feels for me is real. It's not some artificial thing that he says or does to me to keep my companionship around. He really and truly does love me. It's so comforting, and so safe. He puts his arms around me and he makes me feel amazing. That life really is worth it.
Anyway, enough with the depressing life post. I assure you all, I'm alright, life is good. I'm homesick right now and so very excited to go to Idaho at the beginning of November.
Miss you all tons.
 | Currently listening: Ultra By Depeche Mode Release date: 02 October, 2007 |
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Monday, August 20, 2007
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Current mood:  tired
Category: Life
So much to talk about, but so little motivation to actually organize it into thoughts so here it is, spewing from my brain...
- Carly is leaving tomorrow on a jet plane, I have mixed feelings about this. It's been totally fun having her here, and we got along great, but it kinda added more turmoil into my already upside down life.
- I still haven't found a place to live, I have an application in for a perfect one bedroom apartment two blocks away from the hospital which would be great so hopefully that will work out... Although it will be difficult because I don't have all of my stuff here, a lot of it is still in storage in Idaho, so finding a way to get it all here for living on my own completely, will be a challenge.
- Relationships are hard, and I don't really like things that are hard. I was talking to Melissa last night, and she said something like comfyness isn't bad, and I replied that you have to draw a line between comfyness and neglect. It's really not easy when you know that everyone thinks that the other person can do better, and they enjoy telling him that all the time. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if there were no other influences involved, if it would be easier, but I don't really know. Maybe I just don't like my life to be good so I feel the need to constantly doubt things. I know that I am in love, I don't doubt that at all, but obviously I want the person I love to be happy and I don't know if I can give him that.
- Warped Tour rocked today, but I am sunburned and bruised and slightly more hearing impaired then before.
- I had to have a tetnus shot like almost a week ago, and I think it may be infected or something. It hurts like a muthafucker and is swollen and hot. I don't like it.
I think maybe that's it...
until we meet again, goodnight.
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Wednesday, August 08, 2007
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Current mood:  tired
Category: Life
...they make my core tremble, I don't think you realize the effect you had on me...
I finally decided that maybe I would post an actual blog for everyone out there. Life has been so busy, hectic and stressful the last month that I've been so close to giving up too many times.
I had car trouble, work trouble, house trouble, and relationship trouble, all of this happening like falling domino's, one thing after another. I felt like every time I put out one fire in my life, another errupts. I'm slowly but surely tring to get it all taken care of, but it's not easy, and not happening overnight.
Jon and I have decided mutually to break up. It's extremally hard for me. letting go of someone that I love and care about so much, but I feel that it's the best thing for both of us at this point in time. Ever since he has moved to Eugene it's been one trial after another in our relationship and I've come to the point where I've just decided to give up. He means the world to me, but I feel like he is unhappy and I can't stand it anymore.
I have been evicted from the place that I currently call home. The owner decided to sell the house that I live in so I have 23 days to find a new place to live, pack and move. Definately not fun, but managable.
I know that life will get better, and I also know that at this point in time, it's not that bad. I'm strong and will make it through whatever the world throws at me, but like I said, it's not easy.
...And please dont look at me like that, it just makes me want to make you near me always. And please dont kiss me so sweet, it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow. And please dont touch me like that, it makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow. And please dont come so close, it just makes me want to make you near me always.
 | Currently listening: Pieces of You By Jewel Release date: 28 February, 1995 |
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Sunday, July 15, 2007
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Sometime soon I will take the time to type an actual blog. Sorry guys.
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