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Courtney

Courtney Holgate


Last Updated: 4/19/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 26
Sign: Scorpio

City: Eugene
State: Oregon
Country: US
Signup Date: 1/14/2006

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Thursday, August 07, 2008 

Category: Life


How does he know what goes on in my brain?
Currently listening:
Weezer (Red Album) [Deluxe]
By Weezer
Release date: 2008-06-03
Thursday, April 03, 2008 

Current mood:  giddy
Category: Life

So I found this website tonight to make a list of 101 things to do in 1001 days.

The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

1. Get another tattoo on my foot of the Scorpio M sign
2. Send out 50 homemade cards, not including holiday cards sent out to a large group
3. Make Christmas cards
4. Participate in a craft fair
5. Read Atlas Shrugged
6. Go to the dentist
7. Run/jog a 5K
8. Snowboard on something not considered the bunny hill
9. Identify 100 things that make me happy
10. Make a mini album of those things
11. Release 10 books
12. Practice yoga 120 times
13. Do yoga outside
14. Save $500 in my savings account
15. Get a handle on my debt
16. Eat organic for a month and evaluate how I feel at the end of the month
17. Go camping
18. Make a budget and try very hard to stick to it
19. Use a pottery wheel again
20. Hike at Mt. Pisgah Arboretum
21. Plant a small garden
22. Vote every time I can
23. Visit at least three new states
24. Do not use a new grocery bag at a grocery store or anywhere else for a month
25. Donate blood five times
26. Go horseback riding on the coast
27. Get married
28. Go to Vegas
29. Go to NYC
30. Get a bike and ride it
31. Visit OMSI
32. Visit the Experience Music Project in Seattle
33. Make a recycle center in my house to keep the recyclables, trash and compost separate
34. Compost
35. Go to six concerts
36. Figure out the whole going back to school thing and make a plan
37. Buy a crockpot and make five new recipes in it
38. Try 10 new local restaurants
39. Play tennis
40. Go golfing
41. Join a CSA
42. Work on cleaning once a week for an hour
43. Fit into a size 10
44. Visit five national parks
45. Blog 120 times
46. Be soda free for one month
47. Shop at the farmers market 10 times
48. Buy/obtain wine glasses
49. Visit a brewery
50. Make 40 ATC’s for my spinner in 2008
51. Live off $200 cash for a month (not including bill payments, basically groceries/food, entertainment)
52. See the Sex in the City movie
53. Take vitamins once a day for a month
54. Knit something from start to finish
55. Go internet free for 48 hours (including at work) must not be while on vacation/out of town
56. Watch a meteor shower
57. Floss for 30 days straight
58. Leave a 50% tip
59. Decorate a canvas
60. Figure out a good way to organize my scrapbooking paper
61. Find a way to see Mitch
62. Find a way to see Sam
63. Go see a play
64. Go to the coast eight times
65. No alcohol for three months
66. Visit five museums or historical sites
67. Go to Crater Lake
68. Try ten new recipes
69. Read four non-fiction books
70. Make stewed/roasted tomatoes and freeze them
71. Compile all my favorite recipes in one place
72. Get special recipes from mom
73. Get special recipes from Grandma (ROLLS)
74. Make ten new pages for Aubrianna’s scrapbooking
75. Get pictures for pages for Aubrianna’s scrapbook
76. Eat vegetarian for one week
77. Join a book club
78. Take a box of stuff to Goodwill
79. Get Renee to come and visit me
80. Have a spa day
81. Go to a music festival
82. Document a day in my life with photos
83. Buy a new (used) car
84. Get my license
85. Write a list of 50 things I love about Jon (before 27)
86. Buy 10 homemade gifts (from etsy.com or something similar)
87. Make and give 10 gifts
88. Go to Seattle on the train
89. Go to a winery
90. Create a birthday/special day list
91. Get a Netflix subscription
92. Buy a nice set of towels
93. Buy a bed
94. Buy nice linens for the bed
95. Send five care packages to people I love
96. Get to my goal weight
97. Maintain goal weight until the end of 1001 days
98. Be on time everywhere for a week
99. Volunteer three times
100. Donate $5 for everything not completed on this list
101. Make a new list



Monday, December 24, 2007 

Current mood:  groggy
Category: Life
Can I just say that I hate the end/beginning of new years. I know it's a fresh start, a new beginning whatever, but I hate it. I have the grandious hopes for the new year, then I get overwhelmed and give up and in turn become depressed and upset with myself because I didn't get shit done.

I can say that I'm ready for a change. I feel like I'm not living my life right now. I'm just going through the motions. Don't get me wrong, the motions are good, but I'm still saying to myself, "Is this is?" I am completely happy with my relationship right now. Jon and I are doing fabulous. I'm finally feeling secure with us. It's an amazing feeling.

Maybe I always need something to worry about and that's the problem. Now that I don't have to stress and fret about me and Jon, I feel the need to stress and fret about everything else. I'm really going to try to work on my health this year. I'm going to participate in a pretty intense program that the hospital offers that involves behavioral changes and such, so I think that will be awesome and I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm also going to focus on living life, not necessarily changing what I'm doing right now, but living what I'm doing. Not just going through the motions and feeling numb. Is that something you can make an effort to change, can you really make an effort to feel things? I think that if I work on creating more and being more active and alert in life, it will definately help.

I have no idea why I choose to write blogs at 4 am. I can't sleep, my mind is racing over a vast field of nothing (see I can write sometimes) and it won't stop. Sometimes I think if I write down what I'm feeling it will make it go away, or that the goals will somehow solidify without any work, because I don't really like that whole work thing.

My parents are going to be here in like 36 hours. It's crazy exciting to me. My apartment is semi-clean which is the most amazing thing ever (thanks Jon and Corinne).

I hope everyone has a lovely holiday season. Peace be with you and yours.


Currently listening:
There’s Nothing Wrong With Love
By Built to Spill
Release date: 13 September, 1994
Sunday, November 11, 2007 

Category: Romance and Relationships

I been sittin' here starin'

At the clock on the wall

And I been layin' here prayin'

Prayin' she won't call

It's just another call from home

And you'll get it and be gone

And I'll be cryin'


And I'll be beggin' you, baby

Beg you not to leave

But I'll be left here waitin'

With my heart on my sleeve

Oh, for the next time we'll be here

Seems like a million years

And I think I'm dyin'


What do I have to do to make you see

She can't love you like me


Why don't you stay

I'm down on my knees

I'm so tired of bein' lonely

Don't I give you what you need

When she calls you to go

There is one thing you should know

We don't have to live this way

Baby, why don't you stay


You keep tellin' me, baby

There will come a time

When you will leave her arms

And forever be in mine

But I don't think that's the truth

And I don't like bein' used


And I'm tired 'a waitin'


It's too much pain to have to bear

To love a man you have to share


Why don't you stay

I'm down on my knees

I'm so tired of bein' lonely

Don't I give you what you need

When she calls you to go

There is one thing you should know

We don't have to live this way

Baby, why don't you stay (yeah)


I can't take it any longer

But my will is gettin' stronger

And I think I know just what I have to do

I can't waste another minute

After all that I put in it

I've given you my best

Why does she get the best of you

So next time you'll find

You wanna leave her bed for mine


Why don't you stay

I'm up off my knees

I'm so tired of bein' lonely

You can't give me what I need

When she begs you not to go

There is one thing you should know

I don't have to live this way

Baby, why don't you stay, yeah

Thursday, November 08, 2007 

Current mood:  chipper
Category: Life
In list format:

1. Thank you all for my birthday wishes, phone calls and text messages. I totally appreciate them! Even those of you that I'm not able to see on a regular basis, you all mean the world to me.

2. Idaho was fucking great. It was the perfect amount of time to be there. I wish I could have spent more time with some people, but that's the way five day trips are. Anyone who I missed while I was home, I'm sorry and I hope to see you when I make it back again.

3. I think that the trip was exactly what I needed to start to get out of my funk. I've been much more motivated to get some much needed shit done and taken care of since I've been back. I know that lack of motivation is a huge sign in my life of being depressed, so actually being motivated to do shit is a super good thing.

4. It's amazing how being away from the day to day eliments makes you realize how perfect the person that you are currently with is. When you have stuff to do to keep you busy, there is no need to find little stupid things to argue about (I'm really good at picking fights, it's not a good trait, note to self: work on that). I think sometimes stability in my life is difficult for me to handle. Like, at first, everything is fabulous and wonderful (and new) in relationships, and when that phase burns off, I'm all like, "Uh, what do I do now?" It's not easy for me, and it's definately not easy for the other partner (right babe?). Add in my depression/moodiness with that mixture and I'm about the most unappealing person in the entire world to date. I guess what I'm saying, is that now I'm consistantly trying to make an effort to be happy, and be in a happy relationship. When all is said and done, and I am happy, and the relationship isn't, well, I'll cross that bridge when it comes, but right now I'm all about living for now.

5. Life is about to get busy. I'm getting my apartment cleaned up and organized so I can totally bust ass to get ready for the craft fair that I'm doing. I already have some stuff finished but I have a huge pile of stuff to do before I'm ready, and it's less then a month away. Add into that mix a possible weekend trip to Bend area and snowboarding season coming up and a super excited boyfriend about snowboarding season, don't hate me if I'm not uber chatty all the time.

a. Please don't think I don't like a bunch of music because I have multiple quotes from a couple of bands as my blog titles. I seriously have it on suffle until I find a song that has lyrics I like. I really do like a lot of music!
Currently listening:
Purr
By Dance Hall Crashers
Release date: 24 August, 1999
Wednesday, October 17, 2007 

Current mood:  gloomy
Category: Life
I had this epiphany today, in the bath tub.

Maybe why I like to live away from my family and friends is because it's much easier to mask the depression that way.

It's not as easy when there is someone close to you in proximity that also cares about you. How do you hide from it then?
Currently listening:
There’s Nothing Wrong With Love
By Built to Spill
Release date: 13 September, 1994
Saturday, October 13, 2007 

Current mood:  melancholy
Category: Life
It's been a year since the move. Since I left my friends and family and everything familar in Boise to move to Eugene. I've only considered moving home twice, and I wouldn't really classify it as considered, in moments of weakness, I wanted to feel safe a feeling that I feel when I'm in Boise. A comfort I suppose. I finally feel almost stable here. I have an apartment, and a real benefited position at the hospital. I usually have money in my bank account, thanks to my parents sometimes. I usually have food in my cupboards. It's a good thing.

It's been six months, as of yesterday, since I said to Jon, I think I'm going to change my myspace status. That is was made it official with us. Ironically, my status is currently single, I need to change that back.

It's strange, completely foreign to me. This is the longest relationship I've been in since highschool. Sometimes it feels surell, like I don't have the slightest idea of what I'm doing. I don't think that some people understand it. I'm not the type of person who ever longed to be in a relationship. Most of the time I was perfectly happy single. All I had to worry about was myself. It's so stupid. I wish I could be completely confident in our relationship. I wish that I had faith that it's not going to come crumbling down.

Lately I feel like I've been on the outside looking in. Like I'm observing my life. I get up, go to work, come home, sometimes I go out, other times I stay in. I'm not sure if it's the change of the seasons that's doing this or what. Then a wave of emotion hits me. Blindsides me out of no where, and I actually feel something. When that happens it's so incrediably intense that I don't know what to do but cry and realize that this is for real.

Most typically this happens with Jon. I realize that what he feels for me is real. It's not some artificial thing that he says or does to me to keep my companionship around. He really and truly does love me. It's so comforting, and so safe. He puts his arms around me and he makes me feel amazing. That life really is worth it.

Anyway, enough with the depressing life post. I assure you all, I'm alright, life is good. I'm homesick right now and so very excited to go to Idaho at the beginning of November.

Miss you all tons.
Currently listening:
Ultra
By Depeche Mode
Release date: 02 October, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007 

Current mood:  tired
Category: Life
So much to talk about, but so little motivation to actually organize it into thoughts so here it is, spewing from my brain...

- Carly is leaving tomorrow on a jet plane, I have mixed feelings about this. It's been totally fun having her here, and we got along great, but it kinda added more turmoil into my already upside down life.

- I still haven't found a place to live, I have an application in for a perfect one bedroom apartment two blocks away from the hospital which would be great so hopefully that will work out... Although it will be difficult because I don't have all of my stuff here, a lot of it is still in storage in Idaho, so finding a way to get it all here for living on my own completely, will be a challenge.

- Relationships are hard, and I don't really like things that are hard. I was talking to Melissa last night, and she said something like comfyness isn't bad, and I replied that you have to draw a line between comfyness and neglect. It's really not easy when you know that everyone thinks that the other person can do better, and they enjoy telling him that all the time. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if there were no other influences involved, if it would be easier, but I don't really know. Maybe I just don't like my life to be good so I feel the need to constantly doubt things. I know that I am in love, I don't doubt that at all, but obviously I want the person I love to be happy and I don't know if I can give him that.

- Warped Tour rocked today, but I am sunburned and bruised and slightly more hearing impaired then before.

- I had to have a tetnus shot like almost a week ago, and I think it may be infected or something. It hurts like a muthafucker and is swollen and hot. I don't like it.

I think maybe that's it...

until we meet again, goodnight.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007 

Current mood:  tired
Category: Life
...they make my core tremble, I don't think you realize the effect you had  on me...

I finally decided that maybe I would post an actual blog for everyone out there. Life has been so busy, hectic and stressful the last month that I've been so close to giving up too many times.

I had car trouble, work trouble, house trouble, and relationship trouble, all of this happening like falling domino's, one thing after another. I felt like every time I put out one fire in my life, another errupts. I'm slowly but surely tring to get it all taken care of, but it's not easy, and not happening overnight.

Jon and I have decided mutually to break up. It's extremally hard for me. letting go of someone that I love and care about so much, but I feel that it's the best thing for both of us at this point in time. Ever since he has moved to Eugene it's been one trial after another in our relationship and I've come to the point where I've just decided to give up. He means the world to me, but I feel like he is unhappy and I can't stand it anymore.

I have been evicted from the place that I currently call home. The owner decided to sell the house that I live in so I have 23 days to find a new place to live, pack and move. Definately not fun, but managable.

I know that life will get better, and I also know that at this point in time, it's not that bad. I'm strong and will make it through whatever the world throws at me, but like I said, it's not easy.

...And please dont look at me like that, it just makes me want to make you near me always. And please dont kiss me so sweet, it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow. And please dont touch me like that, it makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow. And please dont come so close, it just makes me want to make you near me always.
Currently listening:
Pieces of You
By Jewel
Release date: 28 February, 1995
Sunday, July 15, 2007 
Sometime soon I will take the time to type an actual blog. Sorry guys.