Mac & Me
by Conor J. Murphy

Mac and I both knew if anyone was bound for H-E-L-L, it was my mother for screaming profanities from her bedroom every Sunday morning when she put yet another run in her pantyhose, only to tear them off and put on a new pair that she would ruin en route to her bedroom door. I knew that with each "Son of a bitch!" emanating from her bedroom, I was allotted an extra five minutes to play with my hair.

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

Sin Bracelet
by Katie Matus

Problems arise when I am forced to spend an extended amount of time with my family on their turf. Ordinary visits I can handle (with antidepressants), but holidays where Jesus and his cronies are directly involved require all of my agnostic strength.

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

Letter to the 8 Bus Driver
by Corinne Bilyeu

But then there's you, carol-singing bus driver who refers to yourself as "OBJ" – Original Bus Jockey. Even though I could clearly see the intersection of Hooker and Halsted out of the dirt-streaked window, you transported me to smooth-sounding, reindeer-trodden snowscapes on the "WBUS of the CTA."

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

Why Does Smoking
Have to Kill You?
by Devin Roberts

My Marlboro Lights clearly desire more from our relationship than my recently enforced boundaries allow, and I am dealing with that. This time, I am determined as hell to end the nasty affair for good. I have learned that immediately severing all ties is the best means to effectively move past wounded, hopeless relationships.

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

So This Is Christmas
by Lizzie Maratea

Dad arrives home early from the office and insists upon a happy hour Scotch with his daughter. Ugh. Dad likes to use my questionable sobriety as an excuse to stock the liquor cabinet, hold extended happy hours each night, and then blame the depletion of the booze on me.

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

A Nest of Daddy Longlegs
by Conor J. Murphy

She rolled down her window, stuck her head out and screamed, "Move along fatty before I knock the chub right off you!" She threw her head back and let out a guttural chuckle as she pressed on the gas pedal.

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

Bong
by Katie Matus

I can't imagine myself sitting my future children down and saying, "On my fifteenth birthday, my eighteen year-old boyfriend bought me a six-pack of Zima and escorted me to a wild party where I took my first bong hit."

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

A Collection of Tom Cruise Haiku
by Corinne Bilyeu

Little man, big grin
If his lifts were tall enough
Could he find a clue?

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

Coulter, Schmoulter
by Devin Roberts

I feel confident that somewhere on one of the deeply discounted "as-is" backroom racks at David's Bridal hangs a Virgin White ode to that little black Robert Palmer "Addicted to Love" mini dress you have grown so fond of over the years.

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.

Just News, a Special Report
by  Conor J. Murphy

"Now Pastor, tell me, do you think that God exacted some sort of vengeance on Goldstein because her people killed Jesus, or perhaps because she was a fur-trading lesbian on regular look out for top-notch beaver pelt?"

Wayward Uncle
A distinct blend of pipe tobacco, polyester, and salty wit.