Laura Aoyama has lived in Gunma prefecture with her husband Yusuke and their two children for going on five years. I found the answers to her questions quite interesting (and relatable!) especially about her fascination and frustrations with Japanese culture, which as she so astutely states, “go hand in hand.”

Where and how did you meet your husband?

We met in Gunma where I was doing some temporary substitute English teaching. This was quite unusual, as I worked as a trainer in Tokyo, but it was a busy period, so all of my substitute teachers were busy. He came into the school as a prospective student.

Did you know anything about Japan or Japanese culture prior to meeting your husband?

I had lived in Japan for three years prior to meeting my husband, so yes. Although I knew little of Japan before moving here. I was born in the U.K., but lived a little in France, and 3 years in Germany before moving to Japan.

Had you ever envisioned that you might marry a person from another culture?

I thought it may happen, as I love traveling, and have spent most of my adult life living in countries other than my home country.

What are the challenges of living in Japan?

Wow, where do I start?!?! Firstly, living in a major city, and living in the countryside here are two very different prospects. Having lived in Tokyo for three years, I have to say that the comfort level is much higher than out here in Gunma. However, this is something that is the same in any country. I would say my biggest challenge is language, and cultural communication. As they say, language is only a very small part of communication, so once you get through the words, learning the hidden messages within the Japanese culture becomes a second challenge. Other than that, I have found since I became a wife and mother especially, social expectations are elevated.

What kind of social expectations do you face now?

I am expected to participate in P.T.A. meetings and events just as any other Japanese mother. I imagine, as a single person, I didn't belong to a Japanese group, as such, but as a wife and as a mother, I am seen to belong a little more, I suppose. I am seen as a "mother", which I think makes people feel comfortable to group me. I don't feel pressured, because I don't do group mentality and , and love to retain individuality! Sometimes, this frustrates my husband a little bit though, so that's where the challenge lies!

Do you and your husband speak Japanese to each other?

We used to speak a mixture—pidgin English. But since having my daughter, I always only speak to her in English, and my husband speaks to her in Japanese as a way of distinguishing the two languages. So we often find that continuing in our private conversations, as she is old enough now to mimic us and I don't want her to get confused between the two. Although I'm sure my husband speaks more English to me as my Japanese vocabulary is fairly limited.

Do you and your husband have any communication problems that have nothing to do with language?

Yes, yes and yes! Our expectations of things are often very different, so we have to be very clear about things. I'm not sure if this is a cross-cultural thing or not, but Japanese roles of husband and wife are a lot clearer. This is considered good because it eliminates confusion, but I have always been quite individual and not really role-orientated, so we often both get the wrong end of the stick with assumptions and this also often leads to arguments!

What are some of the most challenging aspects of your cross-cultural marriage? Rewarding aspects?

As I said above, finding a balance with expectations. The rewarding aspects have to be that nothing is ever boring! We learn a lot from each other and I feel that I have helped my husband to think a little more outside the box, and he has helped me to understand the thinking INSIDE the box. As for our children, in my opinion, being bilingual, traveling overseas and learning about two different cultures is a great start to life!

What attributes do you feel are most important for a successful cross-cultural marriage?

I would say understanding and respect of each culture. Whichever country you choose to live in, remembering that your partner’s culture is just as important as the one that he/she is living in. Also, trying not to blame everything on cultural differences. Sometimes it's just not!

Do you see your in-laws often? Do you live with them?

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law live a 10-minute drive from our place. We considered living with them for financial reasons, but I didn't want to lose my independence, and my husband felt a bit the same. My father-in-law passed away when my husband was a teenager, and he is the only son, so that means he has certain responsibilities as far as taking care of his mother, their land, etc. It's mainly for that reason that we live in his hometown.

What do you find fascinating about Japanese culture? Frustrating?

I go through phases of liking it and hating it. Fascinating and frustrating often go hand in hand. I find the false politeness nice when I just want to be spoken to nicely, but sometimes I crave directness. It takes a long time to do things here, but even then they are often not done correctly, so that can be frustrating. I am intrigued by roles and daily routines and habits, often wondering what my neighbour does on a daily basis, etc. I think Japanese culture is rubbing off and making me wonder what it is that I should be doing in my "role." Or maybe I am just nosey!


Thank you, Laura, for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us!

When someone tells me about their love of Japanese food, I probe a little deeper and ask, “What kind of Japanese food do you like?” Often the answer will be “sushi” and upon further discussion the favorite sushi will turn out to be a roll with an exotic name (Dragon, Caterpillar, 49er) and with even more exotic ingredients: fried prawns, sweet potatoes, mozzarella.

Now I love sushi (why else would I call my blog chirashi?) and have nothing against rolls with names like Super Crunchy and Titanic, if that’s what the market will bear. But I guess what I look for when I go out for Japanese food is something that will give me as close of a taste as possible as what I could get in Japan.

I’m fortunate to live in the San Francisco Bay Area where we have a multitude of choices of fine Japanese restaurants. But what is interesting is how the landscape has changed over the years. While you can still get some good Japanese food in San Francisco, I find that the most authentic Japanese restaurants are in the area between San Mateo and San Jose where the bulk of Japanese expatriates and temporary workers live. This makes sense because these people will demand dishes and flavors that remind them of home and restaurants that cater to these will survive. So along with real Japanese food, these places will be loaded with customers who are speaking Japanese and probably staff that speaks the language as well, which lends even more to the authenticity for me.

By now I have the choice of experiencing many types of Japanese cuisine right in my own backyard. Restaurants Kaygetsu (Menlo Park), Wakuriya (San Mateo) and Nami Nami (Mountain View) offer authentic kaiseiki and kappo cuisine that is not easy to find outside of Japan. If I’m in the mood for a bowl of ramen I have several choices: Halu (San Jose), Santouka (Mitsuwa Marketplace in San Jose), Santa (San Mateo) and Himawari (San Mateo). A new addition to the area is Curry House (Cupertino) a Japan-based chain that specializes in Japanese takes on Western foods like curry, gratin and pasta, which are ubiquitous in Japan but have been hard to find here.

So next time you have a hankering for a Caterpillar roll, you may want to try something a little different and take advantage of the wide array of taste experiences Japanese cuisine has to offer.