Hey... It's been a while. I hope you're well. No, I guess I didn't realize it was this late, did I wake you? Are you just saying that, or did I really? Cause it sounds like I did. I mean, it is late - I did? Really? Ok, well I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you - I thought you'd be interested... No, I'm not blogging somewhere else, why would you say that? I'm still waiting for US to work... what? I don't know why I said that, I'm sorry.

Anyway, so you remember that blog I wrote with that guy name Drew? About working at Media Wave? The Showcase of Depravity? mediawave.blogspot.com ? Yea, that long winded one. I mean, I thought it was funny, but - OK FINE, you read it regularly, I get it. Whatever. The point IS...

NOW IT'S A MICRO WEB SERIES (did i invent that term?) on YOUTUBE! as in, I have had videos of antics behind the counter at Media Wave that I documented on my cell phone camera sitting on my computer, and finally uploaded them to youtube.
It's organized under Showcase of Depravity heading, as it's own series.
So far there are 6 short episodes. There will be more when I upload them, but I have to let viewer anticipation build, of course.

here are the first 3:
Episode 1: "C.R.E.A.M." jeff schools drew on everything around him, featuring jeff's trademark Party Ghost Yelp






Episode 2: "hit me chump" jeff schools drew on the beat down









Episode 3: "A Lesson Learnt" (this one is clearly the best) jeff schools drew on rape. oooh wha ah ah ah!


here is the link to the playlist where they can all be found:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=EBD4B463BB2C48C1
or just at my youtube, www.youtube.com/jordanclifford

ah, this stuff brings me back to the good ol' days, the ones where jeff dry-raped me every day.
it's mostly just 10 second videos of Drew and Jeff fighting, humping each other, or dancing. Sometimes all three. Giving it an potential demographinc of  of 3. It's mhad gey.
They're HORRIBLE quality, as they are taken from a 3 year old camera phone, then made bigger to fit youtube. deal with it.

Coming soon on What The Balls: more of the freshest rap lyrics. Check back.

I haven't posted anything on myspace for a while because I forgot my myspace password... because I hadn't posted anything on myspace in a while. My account is linked to a hotmail account that I haven't used in years and forgot the password to. I tried to change my myspace account email address to my current gmail address, but myspace wouldn't let me. So when I had to retrieve my password, myspace sent it to my hotmail account, which I couldn't access because I forgot the password.

In order to get my hotmail password, I tell hotmail I don't know my password for my email, so logically they send my password that I forgot TO MY EMAIL ACCOUNT THAT I FORGOT THE PASSWORD TO.

Long story less long, it worked out, as it always does.

 

So here's the actual post:

I know I'm too old to be in college when I go to the library, and on my way through the building lobby the following conversation takes place

Security: Evening, sir.
Me: Yooo
Security: Working this late?
Me: Yup...
(pause)
You mean like am I working for the library? Or am I doing school work in the library?
Security: Are you teaching a class this late?
Me: ...
Security: You're not a professor?

For those of you keeping up with the rap lyrics I've been posting on here, they're part of the great tapestry that adds up to 905. The 905 crew rap collective, that is. The rap collective is called 905 because it's located at 905 main street, the address of the lead beat supplier and illest rhymer, Kenny Pickett (Can he Kickett? yes he can), as well as various other important crew members, the 905 being the headquarterz for the 905 crew. Well, September 1st brings a lot of changes, and one of them is that 905 is relocating.
So we had a final party, and rapped. I wanted to add my rap lyrics to my on going rapthology, because even though there are some really weak and easy parts, and I use "cause" to start every line, it has 2 of my best lines. And I took a stand and finally called Hitler out on his bullshit.



"
I work 9 to 5 at the 905
cause I walk the line and I talk the jive.
Yo Kenny Pickett just drop that beat,
cause my home is the jungle
and my school is the street

I get you wet like John the Baptist
cause I'm your first, your best, and your last kiss
the time is now, the place is here
don't drink that water, just drink this beer
cause the 905 is my crutch
with beers, and girls, and songs and such

Speakin of girls, take a dictation
tell me how my dick is tastin
this rap's alive like Schindler's list
yo fuck Adolf Hitler, that nukka got dissed!

I wanna get real and talk about somethin
all the people in this party be crumpin
check my vote, it goes to Obama
and check my scrote, it goes to your mama
I like my women like I like my coffee,
smooth and black and goes down softly.

Yo the 905 is like a second home
so to it I'll dedicate this poem:

Nine is for the times per night i got laid
Oh is for the sound the girlies made
Five is for the highs we gave ourselves
and Hard is the time we'll spend in jail cells.
"

Peace out 905 main st.

Am I the only one who thinks that the song "Flight Test" by The Flaming Lips is just "Father and Son" by Cat Stevens with more spacey bass?




Of course they're different, but come on. The back up singing in both really drives it home. Anyone on board with this?

...were the Olympics the last two weeks? shit.
I fucking missed like, all of that.

Except this tasteful little gem



I bet they have dirty knees, too.


Oh well, so I missed the Olympics. There's always next year.

I've always said that Coldplay was becoming a band in the genre of "Important Rock", a mocking, sarcastic term I reserve for bands like U2, U2 and sometimes even U2. It would more accurately be called "Self-Important Rock". It has as much to do with the band's attitude as their ever-expanding fan base and the anticipation of their new albums as if it will change the face of music and humanity. And they piss me off.

U2 has earned their "Important Rock" title in my opinion, but so far it was more Coldplay's fans and their anticipation that made them seem "Important". But with their new album title, album cover and single, I officially hate Coldplay.

"Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends"






This to me is simply unwarranted, bombastic pretension.
Chris Martin, AKA New Bono, titled his album "Viva La Vida" after he saw it written on a painting by Frida Kahlo because he thought it was inspiring. Great. I'm not a huge fan of one artist using an artistic statement by another artist for their own art, but I guess if the phrase (roughly translated) "live the life" or "long live life" holds that much meaning to you, and you can't think of anything of your own, fine. To me it is a stupid title for an album, especially given Chris Martin's explanation of why he liked it:

"She went through a lot of shit, of course, and then she started a big painting in her house that said 'Viva la Vida'," explained Martin of the choice. "I just loved the boldness of it."

So poetic. So profound. Ok, so what "shit" have you gone through, Chris? How are you being bold? That's exactly it to me - it's not bold, it's lame and cliche, not to mention a confusing phrase to translate because it doesn't translate perfectly to Live The Life.

However, the boldest thing about using this title is putting it over the album cover, which is the painting "Liberty Leading the People", a classic painting commemorating the French Revolution.
This is baffling to me, and completely inane. How does an English wuss-rock band like Coldplay take a famous painting of historical significance and just slap it on their album cover? And with a random Spanish phrase on it? Give me a break, Coldplay. Who do you think you are?
I am not even going to try to come up with what this is supposed to mean.

The only groundbreaking thing about this album is that it's going to make thousands of American fans of lame rock wonder what the cover means, and potentially, after some research, ask themselves, "what was the French Revolution?"


Apple seems to be encouraging their place next to U2, as Coldplay's new single was introduced to the world in the new iPod commercial. The commercial was pretty cool, but the similarities between the band - especially singer Chris Martin - and U2 and Bono became as vividly clear as the splashes of color in the commercial.




what in the name of bullshit pretension is he doing with his open hand, palm to the sky, pumping like some kind of epileptic mime stuck in a box of lameness.
This video seems to be implementing a music visualizer program that bursts color on the screen to varying degrees of self-satisfaction.

and here is the similar U2 ipod commercial:




(shudder. I fucking hate that commercial. iPod commercials make me officially hate bands. I can barely even watch it.)

Bono and Chris Martin even wave their arms around in similar ways, both with shirts open as wide as their egos.
The lyrics to Coldplay's "Viva La Vida" are a sophomoric stab at profundity and allegory, and they leave me with the same impression of a film that was obviously made to win an Oscar.

The only thing this album solidifies is not the music revolution of Coldplay or their boldness, but that they are the new leaders in the genre of "Important Rock". U2.0.
Lame.

This is the best trailer for the best movie that I've never seen. No one's seen it. But look, it's already amazing.



"Sammy Davis Jr. as Educated"

If you're interested, here is the first part of Johnny Cool with the theme song.


It's appropriately the best theme song ever. The rest of the episode is in Spanish, but just watch the theme song.
Here are the lyrics to the theme song:

Here's the story of Johnny Cool, it tells the tale of his life
they say Johnny was meant to be, and content to be, mixed up in sorrow and strife
he lived by the gun and by the knife (Johnny Cool! Johnny Cool!)
if you were friendly to Johnny Cool you were just playing the fool
they say Johnny was friend to none, friend to only one
he went by this simple rule, that his only friend was Johnny Cool (Johnny Cool! Johnny Cool!)
because he thought life had abused him he went on a murderous fling
but he didn't know that they used him, like any old puppet on a string
love never mattered to Johnny Cool, each doll to him was the same
till one babe blinked her eyes at him, sighed some sighs at him
his icy heart turned to flame and Johnny was never quite the same (Johnny Cool! Johnny Cool!)



I know what you're thinking, it reads a lot like my own biography. The similarities are astounding, I'll admit.

Jobs -
-Ballet Dancer and Sumo Wrestler needed
-Sober Actors Needed
-Copywriter who chooses "Dare," every time.

Barter -
-huge collection of xxx vhs tapes
description: about a regular draw string trash bag full what do you have to trade
Missed Connections -
-We live in the same apartment complex - m4m - 35 (this one i found strange because it would seem more likely that he'd run into her again at his apartment than her respond to a craigs list missed connection ad. and even if she did see it, that could be a deal breaker on its own).
-You went to CVS tonight
"You were walking with a CVS bag tonight...down Columbus onto Clarendon then Tremont...yeah i guess i was stalking you..hehe...nice ass..."

PS - i have a pretty awesome new myspace profile layout.

"The Armed Wing of Alethinos" wants to be my friend.
And yet, deep in my heart, I know I'm not cool enough or dark enough to be his friend.



he's awesome.
presumably that is satan in the painting behind him. and a sacrificial skull in his hand, that my deductive skills tell me he is going to use to go after hours death-bowling with later. so morbid.

Sometimes I like to jam on instruments I can't play with my roommates who can sing and play instruments to some degree. sometimes it turns out awesome. we did a bunch of experiments and jam seshes, and then meticulously edited some stuff together to make the brilliance you're about to experience. at least, I think it's awesome.
We couldn't decide if we wanted to make it funny or something actually listenable, so we settled somewhere in between. at least we made it sexy.



... sorry for wasting your time.
maybe a rap video will be posted next time.

Warning: this will be what could be considered a feminist rant. If me going on this rant is surprising to you, well, then, brace yourself. You might want to skip this one.
I will only be touching the very tip of an iceberg here, but here we go...

I was set off on what is known as the Feminine Quotient in a recent look into Vanity Fair's publication of the controversial article "Why Women Aren't Funny" and then their follow up pro-woman response, "Who Says Women Aren't Funny". It wasn't so much these articles that made me think about so-called "femininity", but rather the pictures included in the "pro-woman" response. I am extremely bothered by the deeply ingrained tradition of gender role stereotyping that still goes on, and it happens more than I ever noticed before with comedy.

There's nothing inherently wrong with this picture, except that it seems to be attempting, or suggesting a hint of an attempt at some kind of irony, but fails. Perhaps it fails only in the very serious context of the article. And if it wasn't even hinting at it, it should've been. Or maybe it was ironic, and I didn't get it. I'm not sure. The point being that as a man (in comedy, whether that's relevant or not) I find it troubling that even in an article that attempts to breakdown the widely held misconception that women are stereotypes, in terms of comedy or otherwise, there can't be a picture of trailblazing, stereotype-breaking female comedians that doesn't feature them in stereotypically objectifying gendered costumes, holding sexy poses and vapid faces, with typical signifiers for trivial materialistic vanity and sex appeal that saturates every picture of women that we seem to have.
Maybe it's a purposeful statement playing on the Paris Hilton-types, the video girls, the media portrayal, etc. I'd be the first one to assume that this was a clever ironic statement made about those very issues, but I'm not sure. Not in Vanity Fair. But even if it is an ironic statement, is it effective? Or does it just reinforce stereotypes?
It used to be that for a woman to be accepted as funny she had to be fat, ugly or gay. Now it's finally being accepted, even embraced, that "beautiful", or traditionally attractive women can also be funny, but the problem is that they can never just be funny, they have to also be beautiful - or rather, they have to be funny BUT beautiful. It remains, then, that their talent is trivialized to a concern first and foremost with their appearance. It reminds me of Esquire's common "Funny Jokes From Beautiful Women", which plays into the idea that such a thing is noteworthy because of how rare it is that a woman could possibly be both funny and beautiful. I realize that Esquire is a "men's magazine" while Vanity Fair is more of a culture magazine, but it's all the same in the end. I think Vanity Fair is giving off the very same impression.

Anyway, that's just the tip of the women in comedy iceberg. As for the Feminine Quotient, I saw a news item that I was able to connect with this issue of women needing to also be beautiful to be recognized and legitimized, and they both came to my attention as I was reading Naomi Wolf's "The Beauty Myth" in a particular chapter about this very thing happening... 60 years ago.


During World War II, "as women responded and undertook men's higher-paid work, a new sense of competence and confidence emboldened them. At the same time... advertisements 'attempted to preserve the socially acceptable feminine image of women war workers.' A Pond's cold cream ad of the time read: 'we like to feel we look feminine even though we are doing a man-sized job... so we tuck flowers and ribbons in our hair and try to keep our faces looking pretty as you please.' A cosmetics company's advertisement... admitted that while the war could not be won by lipstick, 'it symbolized one of the reasons why we are fighting... the precious right of women to be feminine and lovely.' "
Magazine articles also "focused the ladies' attention on the need to keep their FQ (Feminine Quotient) high."

Now, this seems ridiculous to me. The statement that we're fighting for the "PRECIOUS" right (!) of women to be feminine and "LOVELY" is like a joke, a satire. But it is very real, and it speaks to the idea that if women do anything that isn't typically "feminine" (whatever that means - and for the record, I don't think it really means anything, and whatever meaning is assumed by it comes from socially constructed gender norms), they must increase their level of femininity - their feminine quotient - in order to compensate. In other words, the equivalent of saying "no homo".

Now here is a news item that I stole from feministing.com that is almost a perfect copy of this 1940s idea in today's treatment of women.

The WNBA has taken to giving their athletes make-overs in order to boost ticket sales:

"As part of the rookies' orientation into life as professional athletes, the WNBA for the first time offered them hour-long courses on makeup and fashion tips.

Susan Ziegler, a Cleveland State professor of sports psychology, said disparity in wages and media coverage between male and female athletes, along with a battle against perceived negative stereotypes, are factors in marketing female sports figures for their physicality rather than their athletic assets.
Ziegler has done extensive research on female athletes being sexualized through the media. Even with something as common as applying lipstick, promoting physical appeal can take away from the athletes' legitimacy, she says.

"Once you begin to worry about how the person looks as opposed to how she plays, you've crossed the line into dangerous play," Ziegler said. "We're not really focused on marketing them as athletes but as feminine objects."

Renee Brown, the WNBA's vice president of player personnel, said the league aims to show its players as "mothers, daughters, sisters, nieces and entrepreneurs" and their "womanhood" is important to promote the league.

"You're a woman first," Brown said. "You just happen to play sports. They enjoy dressing up and trying on outfits, where back in the day, everyone just wore sweats.

"Call it what you want. We're just CELEBRATING THEIR WOMANHOOD."

"I find it interesting that a lot of players do not even know how to apply mascara," Brown said. "I think as they get into it, they love it. I don't think we can run from the fact that they're women. They're so much more than basketball players."






I find it interesting that she said "WE are just celebrating THEIR womanhood", not that THEY are celebrating THEIR womanhood.

So they weren't women before when they were just ball players who didn't know or care about wearing make-up, but like some kind of primitive culture "introduced" to civilization by imperialism, they seem to get used to it once it's forced. Just like the women who worked men's jobs during wartime, who had a newfound sense of pride in the value of their ability and work, they are being degraded and belittled as sexual objects with the primary importance and focus placed on their appearance and how attractive they are by traditional standards. Same goes for comedy. Same goes for anything. A woman can still not just be a person who is good at something. She must be a WOMAN who is (then unbelievably) good at something AND/BUT also beautiful.
This is nothing knew. I apologize to anyone versed in even remedial feminist history or theory (like myself) if this is just an outrage 20 years too late. But for those that aren't - think about it. Women are locked in the beauty stereotype in ways that won't be broken for decades to come, if ever. What are the biggest days in a girls life(aside from giving birth)? Typically a girl dreams of Prom, and then Marriage. What is the first, and sometimes only compliment a girl receives? "You look beautiful," "she's a lovely girl," "she'll grow up to be so beautiful," "she looks so beautiful - it's her day to be beautiful, to be a princess." If other compliments follow, like ones about her intelligence, it's almost always qualified - "she's a bright, beautiful girl". I could go on and start quoting a survey of feminist authors on this, but I will spare you, because I'd only be doing it for myself.



I am not questioning or discrediting women who enjoy "dressing up" and wearing make up, nor do I doubt that some of, if not many of the WNBA players enjoy their so-called expression of womanhood. Perhaps the constraits of athletics even restrained them from expressing what they feel is their "femininity" before this new make-over program was introduced, I don't know. All I'm trying to address here is the cultural gender issues we have, even still, and how disturbingly similar they are to a time when there was no equality in the sexes at all and sexism was loud and proud, when sexism, like racism, wasn't so much a bad thing but an accurate way to describe the general opinion of the country.
The more "masculine" her activity, the less traditionally female the thing that generates her self-worth, the higher her Feminine Quotient needs to be for her to be accepted in the mass culture. It's really sad to me that the advertising manipulation of the 1940s is so directly parallel in 2008, when so many advancements have been made. There is so much further to go, and the saddest thing is that most people have no idea. Sexism is the most subtle, least reflected upon and most acceptable form of discrimination and objectification in America.*

*That statement is debatable, but I'll say it anyway.

this is hilarious in the first 4 seconds.



"I wanna do it cause it's fun. It's fun to do bad things... I wanted to do hood rat stuff for my friend"

can you blame him? that sounds like fun. it sounds like stuff i do while playing Grand Theft Auto. Maybe he's right, maybe he shouldn't be allowed to play video games for a whole weekend.

i really hope someone samples this clip in a song.
"my friend come in, and he smokes with cigarettes"
"i yanked it, i yanked it, i yanked the thing"

and i love how he did it cause he was mad at his mom, so he stole his grandma's car to punish his mom, and then in the end he's still mad at his mom and wants her to help pay for the damage.

So profound

It’s been a long hard road to get through one round, but here I am! First I want to thank Jesus, and then God, in that order, then my mama, then my baby mama, then my baby mama mama for makin an ass like that...

So yea, there’s a website called rooftopcomedy.com that is sponsoring a nation wide college comedy competition. It’s the Rooftopcomedy.com College Comedy Competition, or the RoToCoCoCoCoCo.

32 schools are chosen, and the first round the students compete for a place among 8 winners who then move on to the next round, then that school goes on to BATTLE another school’s 8 person "team", and from there only 1 out of 16 people wins and gets flown to Aspen, CO for mo’ money and, unfortunately, mo’ problems. And maybe mo’ bitches. Maybe also Mo’Nique, if we’re lucky. (So, it’s a RoToCoCoCoCoCo to get to CO for MoMoMoMo)

So now that I, in technical terms, totally powned at the Emerson round, I’ll be performing with Emerson against Brown, that school that recently got a 2.8 billion dollar endowment - I’ve got a 8.5 endowment for them right here! (In this case, I’m using the word "endowment" to mean both money provided to a school, and the size of my genitals for comic effect). Zing! I think I’m ready.

The competition is decided by a mix of votes from qualified judges and severely unqualified audience members. The judges votes count for more than the audience to make up the difference, but audience vote still plays a big role in it. One of the problems with Emerson having a tight knit comedy community is that my "fans" at the school are also the fans of the 7 other semi-finalists, and probably have loyalty to other people who have treated them like human beings over the last 2 years rather than immature queer street trash like I tend to treat everyone here.

In other words
If anyone can make it up to Boston on TUESDAY (i know, esh) APRIL 8th at the Comedy Connection to support me in this competition that could be my ticket outta this queer factory of homos and into Hollywood!, that’d be awesome.

Let me know if you can, or even if you can’t or won’t, but still want to boost my ego by telling me I’ll definitely win even without friends in the audience.

http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/events/college/schools/emerson