It's funny how things happen isn't it? How one day you're thinking up an idea and the next you're moments from realizing your dream is becoming a reality. I've always been a "go getter" in taking an idea and seeing it through wether it succeeds or fails miserably and recently along side some good company I'm doing just that. 

Iconic Horror was nothing more then three guys outside of a Marriott after a horror convention and many glasses of vodka and beer kicking around possible ideas in relation to our love of horror. That's when a light bulb flashed over our heads and the idea behind Iconic Horror was born. My mind was working like a fine tuned machine even though my body wanted nothing more than to pass out (I'm not a big drinker) and sleep off the effects of no sleep and 100 proof vodka. All the way home I was thinking of marketing ideas and trying to plan out a budget I figured I'd be funding since I had a little nest egg set aside for a rainy day. I knew right away that I was running with this idea with or without my other two associates. I talked over the idea with my best friend Shena from Poetic Images who jumped on board faster then I could ask her if she'd like to be a part of the project. Now Iconic Horror consisted of one of the original three, Shena and the second of the original three (me). Instantly I started working my plan while Shena proceeded to contact several modeling websites and posting ads for our calendar. We finally united all three of the original three and with Shena Iconic Horror was born and continues to grow.

I took on a huge challenge of going through all the models and sending out the "rejection" letters along with making phone calls to those we were interested in to set up phone interviews. After the phone interview I set up face to face meetings with the models to get a look at their personality. Some were very cool and others... not so much.

I've made it through the interview stage (they're now all finished) and now for phase two, the dinner party. This is going to be pretty cool in the sense that all the models will get to meet and greet with each other as well as get some time with each of us before the photo shoots start. I've vested a lot of my own money in this project because I believe in what Iconic Horror is bringing to the table. I hope for my sake that my gut instinct is right and I'm able to look back at this point and time in my life to see that I've succeeded in achieving all of my goals for this project. Cross your fingers for me.

I didn't realize how long its been since I last posted a blog. I guess I just lost touch for a while. I was off of myspace for almost a full year before a new found friend of mine (Teri McMinn) schooled me in the art of proper networking. Turning my back on myspace I had become a YouTube whore due to the fact that I'm a filmmaker and YouTube allowed me to post my movies with little to no interference. Now in a quick flash I'll fill those who care to listen in one what's been going on in my life in the past year.

The beginning of 2008 marked the start of my very own film company called Revolution Films L.L.C. I've done a few shorts, and have started a documentary on the paranormal vs religion but my money maker is producing mechanical videos for local companies involved with the new Toledo Public Schools. It's not what I had imagined my film company to be but none the less I love film in any way shape and form. My latest short is called 'The Dark' and was shot on my birthday of this year (2-15-09). It felt good to do another film and work with such good people (Shane, Dennis, Beau, Laura, Barry and the list goes on). 

I was able to visit my Nephew Robert Lee Hinojosa in Reno, Nevada in March of 08. I was only there three days but it was great to see him and his wife Brittany. I didn't get to see my other Nephew Paul due to unknown reasons but Rob and I had a blast. We went up to Virginia City, hit some Casinos, recorded some music and drank some Vodka. I don't get to him this much but I'm so proud of the man he has become and if you knew the life he and his brother had growing up you'd understand what I'm talking about.

Then tragedy hit in April when I lost my best friend and my big sister Linda. I never thought I could hurt so much. I'm not one for tears but I sat alone in the dark and sobbed like a baby. I didn't want to believe that she had passed. I tried calling her cell phone none stop thinking she'd answer and I could prove everyone wrong but she never answered and I was faced with the harsh realization that I'd never be able to talk to my sister again. I went to the showing on the last day and could only stay for literally seconds. The sight of my best friend, my sister in a casket angered me and I left only to come home... her old home, once again alone. I drank hard that night not wanting to feel the emptiness that had filled my body but nothing could cure the sadness I felt and still feel to this day. Its been over a year now and it hasn't gotten any easier. Some days are harder then others but life goes on and the world continues to turn.

The rest of 2008 is just a big blur. I bought a Harley Davidson Road King in August and went to Malaysia for work from last August till the first week of October. That was a wonderful experience but it didn't take long for me to feel home sick and miss my daughters to the point of wanting to come home. 

I know this blog was probably way too long and that I lost most of you after "I didn't realize how long its been since I last posted a blog" but that was my life in a nutshell for 2008. Now on to 2009...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vG4pIQWNE1w

This is a montage I did using one of my favorite movies and one of my favorite songs.

I've been working on some new lyrics for a song I wrote a while back. It symbolizes me in how I deal with the bad things that happen in my life.

SLUG

I know your name
I've seen your face many times before
You've done good my friend to help me forget the past
Cover me like a blanket and protect me from me

Sit down with me my friend
Take your turn to feel alive
Bury your teeth so deep and take my breath
Notice I'm no longer scared my friend
So come on in and take your bite

I know your name
I've seen your face many times before
You've done good my friend to help me forget the past
The blanket is empty and cold

I feel your grip my friend
Sink in deeper I feel alive if only for a second
I close my eyes to see your words
I am the epitome of disgust beneath your feet
Whisper your sweet goodnight just once more

I know your name
I've seen your face many times before
You've done good my friend to help me forget the past
I now welcome the cold

It seems as if these past weeks have been nothing more then a blur in my life. I've lost a loved one (rest in peace sis), I've lost a good friend (fuck off Jess), and I feel to an extent that I've lost myself. Over the years I've been blessed with meeting some wonderful people in my life...Shena, Del, Heather, Brandy, Amy, Brion, Rob, Matt, Shawn, Sam, Tiffany, and some others (you know who you are) but I've also had the displeasure of being in the presence of others whom I'm choosing not to mention. It's so strange how life throws so many things your way and only gives you two choices...sink or swim. Sometimes its so hard to dust yourself off and keep moving forward but its a staple in life that you must do to survive.

April 10, 2008 I lost my best friend and the most amazing woman I've ever known...my sister Linda. She was always there for me through the thick and thin, the good the bad and the ugly. My other sister called me at work and broke me the news. I think I went in to immediate shock cuz I went instantly numb. I left work not knowing where to go or what to do. I guess most people would've wanted to spend it with family but I can't say that I'm real tight with my family so I spent it alone. Alone in complete darkness drinking and listening to music. I even called her cell phone thinking that they made a mistake or something...I was completely vulnerable. I made my peace and said my good-byes to my sister that night along with sobbing and feeling the most alone I've ever felt in my lifetime. I didn't see anyone in my family until the showing 5 days later and even then I never talked to them and could only manage to see my sister for a few seconds before I started to break down and had to leave in fear of making a spectacle of myself. I just don't like showing a weak side to anyone and didn't want to cry anymore. Its now been two weeks and two days since her death and I miss her so much. This may sound kinda strange but I can still feel her around me, as if she's still watching over me like she did when she was alive. I guess during this time of pain and sorrow I learned a lot about who I am...I'm alone.

Now moving on to another matter that just pisses me off. I once had a good friend of mine named Jess. We were just friends no funny stuff or anything like that. Anyway, I guess there's some bullshit rumor going around my work that I'm sleeping with this person and that person. I can't stand this high school bullshit!! Not only is it total bullshit but the fact that someone is spreading it that once called me a friend gets underneath my skin something fierce. Then to really piss me off she had the balls to text me apologizing saying that she was drunk and overreacted...FUCK OFF!! It seems as if you even talk to someone of the opposite sex you're automatically sleeping with them. How childish is that!? I guess I'm better off keeping to myself in all areas of life just to save face...although I'm sure it wouldn't stop the rumor mill. My personal life isn't anyones business but mine, and who I spend my intimate moments with is my choice so all those who want to put their noses where it doesn't belong FUCK OFF!!

The Dark Rain

I see her there
Alone and cold in her coffin
Her fingers soaked with blood from the hunger that had to be fed

In the night she called to me
Wanting me by her side to feed on my nectar
The taste was like cannabis in that it stimulated every nerve throughout her body
She was as much my slave as I was hers

I can still see her long black hair as she looked down on me
The downpour of the dark rain wet her body as if cleansing her from her sins
Pulling me close to her chest I could smell the sweet scent of magnolia interlaced with her smooth white porcelain skin

Almost hypnotized by her resplendent beauty I snapped
Anger came to comfort me as I emptied her heart with reluctance
I knew it could be no other way
I watch her pass as she watches me with a lustful smile

I see her there
Alone, and cold in her coffin...




~Xander 2004

I've been sick since last Saturday. It started as discomfort in my chest earlier in the morning when I was pouring concrete, then turned into pure hell after my daughter and I got back late that night from Cedar Point. Sunday was unmanageable as I had a very high fever that I had to subdue with sandwich bags of ice throughout the day, and clear in to the night. I was very thankful that my daughters mom (my ex-wife) was able to take Ashley since I wasn't feeling good. I did however manage to at least take Ashley to her soccer game and watch (i'd never missed a game). I laid there in my own misery sweating through clothing after clothing...

Monday morning came and my symptoms worsened. I began to worry because I had to work at 6pm. I was going to muscle my way through it and go in (I hate calling off) no matter what. Around 1pm my mind changed in a blink of an eye as I found myself shaking and vomiting uncontrollibly. I couldn't get warm... I thought to myself "it will pass", but it didn't. I called my supervisor to call off and he gave me a little hell for it. I slept most of the day (when i wasn't filling my sandwich bags of ice for my hell bent fever) and some of the night.

Tuesday morning came, and I had enough. I got up, and took the hottest shower imaginable. I had it set in my mind that this sickness wasn't going to get the better of me anymore. I did some laundry, and some dishes just to try and feel functional. The clock struck 4:30pm and I took another shower. I got dressed for work and left the house. The people I work with gave me some shit for calling off asking if I was still hung over. It bothered me a little, but I think it was more because I still wasn't feeling well. I spent the whole night almost vomitting (thank god I was working by myself) and going from being very hot to very cold. I don't know how I mangaged to make it through 12hrs of work but I did.

Wednesday morning I came home from work, took a very hot shower, and put on some warm clothes and called my doctor. I wasn't able to get in to see her until Thursday afternoon. Honestly, I just thought I had a really bad case of bronchitis. I couldn't sleep at all. It seemed as if I went from not being able to keep my eyes open, to not being able to shut them. I made some calls (film stuff...), and was glad that I didn't have to be back to work until Friday night.

Thursday finally got here, and I was so ready to see the doctor. I got there a little early so I could update my file, and my insurance (hadn't been there in over two years). I told the nurse my symptoms and waited for the doctor to come in. She finally came in and asked me what was wrong, and how long I've been feeling like this. I told in detail all that I'd endured as she started her examination. She listened to my breathing, and called for her assistant. Her assisatant then drove me to the ER. When I got to the ER, the took my vitals, and put me in a room. My nurse (Kelly) had come in and asked how I was feeling. Soon after that I had an EKG, and chest X-ray done, along with an IV and some blood work done. I also had two breathing treatments done to help clear up my chest. Nurse Kelly came back in and told me that I had Bilateral Pneumonia. They hooked up some antibotics to my IV and I laid there in wait. They wanted to keep me, but I refused cuz I had to work Friday night. My doc there in the ER (Dr. Todd) didn't want me to go back to work until after I was able to see my family dr. I was caught between a rock and a hard place. I had my perscription filled and went home. I couldn't take my medication til Friday.

Friday morning came and I called my HR department. I finally got ahold of who I needed to and she was very helpful. I took my medication and tried to get some rest. She called back and gave me the info I needed. I told her my concerns about not going into work that night, but she assured me that going into work was probably not in my best health interest. We talked about the short term disability papers I'd need to fill out, and the next steps that would need to be taken care of.

These past days have been grueling for me. I hate feeling so vulnerable. It sucks being alone in times like this, but I guess that's life and things could always be worse. I just look forward to getting better, and getting back to work. I hate feeling so "weak and powerless"!!



~Xander

Are you a leader or a follower.... can you be yourself without looseing face of who you are... what makes you tick... All these questions have been weaving through the strains of my inner most thoughts non-stop. I find myself waking from my slumber wondering where I'm going in my life... what direction do I take, if any at all. Don't misunderstand and take it as I don't know what I want out of life because I do. It's what I want IN my life I'm having the struggle with. All the pieces of my conflictive puzzle, all the misaligned corners that seem to never fit.... is it all worth it? Words are only as effective as the actions that follow. What are my actions going to be? I've met some of you that may be reading this wondering what this blog is all about, or if this blog pertains to you. For those of you who look at it this way I'm just going to ask that you read this with an open mind, as if it's nothing more than words being placed in a specific order for the sake of following the laws of literature that follow the shadows of who I am. I've invited those of you, who've been interested, into my world, my thoughts, my vision, my perception of the things around me, with no hidden agendas. I've opened the door to my life to all of you with no thoughts of how vulnerable I was leaving myself to scrutiny in doing so. I don't regret sharing such memories with any of you, or regret the friendships that have developed, or maybe even crashed because of what I write. I write from the heart, therefore that's who I am... a man with no regrets or imprisoned thoughts. Life is far too short for anger, grudges, hate, or regrets, and I for one have no intention on having any of those negative aspects in my life. What about you? You only have one life... live it, don't shelter it from ever knowing or existing.... if that's the case, you're already dead.

"If you have a quality let it define you whatever it is.... don't run from it, embrace it and be at one with yourself." Just some words to live by.

Here's some more lyrics I've been working on. This may sound totally stupid, or moronic, but they actually came to me in a dream and I managed to write them down before they vanished from my memory. Let me know what you think.....



Maggot


Waking from my slumber
I taste the dirt within my mouth
Pukered stains of misfire
Scattered all about

Distant is this mystery
Hollow is this note
Shed my tears for reason
Confusion all about

*chorus*
I am my worst nightmare
The things I've kept within
Ripping at my reasons
Of how it all begins...
(serene)......

Cut my flesh, to feel something
Feel the blade digging in
Dealing with this chaos
Of my hell held deep within

Recollecting my murder
The day I shed my soul
Looking for my daylight
To crawl out of this hole

Waking from my slumber
My dirt still lays about
No more pukered memories
To shift my mind about

*Chorus*
I am my worst nightmare
The things I've kept within
Ripping at my reasons
Of how it all begins

I am my worst nightmare
Heaven wouldn't take me in
Taken by my ignorance
To the place it all begins

Shallow place of reason
Filling all the dirt back in
Bury all that's left here
Mother earth will take me in...
(serene)......

Here's some lyrics I've been working on. Let me know what you think.

 

The Apple

 

Surface to me

Let me help you live

Reach out to me

I'll take your hand

See me smile

I bare it just for you

Hear my voice so soothing, welcome you with open arms

You crawl to me on your hands and knees

I look down at you as you seek my approval...

 

Taste what I have given you

A blind eye so you can see

Blanketed by my premonitions of you

I feel the tingle of the very thought

My precious little angel, you want my touch

So sad to see you fall...

So sad to see you fall so hard

 

I wipe the tears from your face, and raise your eyes to mine

The sights I have to show you are interrupted by the memories of who we once were

You look so tempting... oh so tempting

Watching my every move as I'm closing in on you

 

Taste what I have given you...

you'll never leave this

A blind eye so you can see...

too many shattered dreams

Blanketed by my premonitions of you...

I'll hold you, my precious little star

I feel the tingle from the thought...

the temperature is rising

My precious little angel, so soft to touch...

begin to feel its hold

So sad to see you fall...

don't be afraid

So sad to see you fall so hard...

I'll never let the monster get you, so sad to see you fall

 

 

 

-Xander