So it was Saturday March 21 and I had just picked you up a couple of hours earlier.  We were pulling out of the bookstore parking lot and heading south on Germantown Parkway.  I was being a douche due some news you had just given me and it freaked me out.  You asked me either “Are you ok?” or “What are ya thinking?”  I forget which one.  Ya I know shocking that I forgot.  Well my answer was “I have about a million things going on in my head right now.”  You said, “Ya wanna talk about any of those millions of things?”  I said “Not right now, but later yes.”……That later never came as the last thing I heard from you on Monday was to pack my car.  So we never got to talk about those things, although one of the main reasons for me going there that time was to talk to you.  In hindsight, I think it was probably best we didn’t.  Well here it is months later and things have changed quite a bit.  I keep hearing about all this change that is supposed to be happening in the country due to that nigger and I keep thinking about how things will change for me in the next few months.  Right now I am in a very good place in time.  I recently filed bankruptcy.  That means I get to keep the almost $400/month I was paying those fuckers.  I don’t have a lease.  I am trying my hardest to save money.  The kid will be here in August.  We have kinda talked about what will happen after she is born.  I do know this….Kaela said she can’t live with her grandma after the kid is born.  That means I won’t really have a place to stay.  She has said she plans on staying here in Winfield and getting a job as a CNA making like $10/hr.  I don’t blame her really.  She has said I could stay with her but not be on the lease……Now is where you come in.  I’m not gonna go into how I feel about you.  You know exactly how I feel.  I do want to say that when me and Kaela went to ....Memphis...., we went for 2 different reasons.  She went to see the city and you.  I only went to see you and to see how “things” were.  After about 30 minutes inside the Flying Saucer you said something to the extent of “Why don’t you grow a pair and finish your beer.”  At that point I knew that the feelings were still there.  Don’t ask me why it was at that point.  It was just the way you said it and the way things went that night…..and I am not talking about the very end of the night.  Ya know ..Tara.., I have given it a looooong hard thinking, and I have come to the conclusion that you are the girl I want to be with.  You’re the girl I love/am in love with.  You the girl I care about.  That’s all kinda weird as I don’t seem to give a goddamn about anyone else.  You can call me a mushy little bitch or whatever, but I am still here feeling the same way after all these years.  So back to what I was trying to get at with all this change and shit.  In or around August, I am going to be looking for a new job.  A real job making real money.  I do not want to stay here in ....Kansas.....  Kaela is well aware of this.  I still want to move to ....Memphis.....  I liked the town.  Regardless of where though…I’d hope that you might be there.  If that is ....Memphis...., it’s ....Memphis....….If it is in ....Michigan.... then it is in ....Michigan.....  What I don’t want to do though is chase you all over the country.  That’s just fucked.  I really do want you to give me and you a chance.  I am not saying we get together and get married….just give things a chance.  A real chance.  I think things would work out great.  It’s just something I’d like you to think about.  I know you moved back up there and the last you told me, you weren’t real sure what you were gonna do. You just mentioned what you’d like to do.  I’d hope that this year will be a good year for everyone.

Filed my Form 1 today.  Now I wait.

Came back approved today.  10/2

I went to get them water today and noticed one wasn't moving.  It was Cheddar Bite.  She was dead.   Not real sure what caused it.  She wasn't the oldest that I have nor did she appear to be sick.

RIP Cheddar Bite

Feb 28 2005-Jul 4 2008

So there's this guy named Paul Bearer.  If you don't know who he is don't worry about it.  He is/was in a couple of bands.  He's a pretty funny guy but he tells it like it is no matter what anyone thinks.  He's usually right too and that's the funny thing.  He's ugly, sarcastic and hilarious.  I've met him and he's all real.  So I was looking at one of his bands websites and he has this blog sort of thing that I thought was rather fitting. 

"SPRINGTIME IS ALMOST UPON US.WHEN A YOUNG MAN'S FANCY TURNS TO THOUGHTS OF LOVE.... SO,WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? IT'S NO SECRET TO ANYONE THAT I'VE BEEN DONE AS DONE COULD BE-AND I CERTAINLY TAKE THE BLAME FOR ANY WRONG'S I MAY HAVE INCURRED ALONG THE WAY.IT DOTH TAKE TWO TO TANGO-AND I'VE DONE MY SHARE OF DANCING.FEETS DON'T FAIL ME NOW!SO...WHY DO I CONTINUE? HOPELESS ROMANTIC-THROUGH AND THROUGH.A FOOL,IF YOU WILL.HEART WELL DARNED UPON MY SLEEVE.I'VE WRITTEN MORE LOVE/LOVE GONE WRONG SONGS THAN I CARE TO ADMIT.A LOT OF WHICH HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY BY THE LIKES OF YOU (and if i may note-i have been grossly mislabeled a "misogynist" by some of you....god,yer dumb.),AND A GOOD DEAL MAY NEVER LEAVE THE PAGES OF WHATEVER BOOK I MAY JOT THEM DOWN IN.THE TOME OF THE UNREQUITTED LOVE....MY SPECIALTY. HELL- I'M IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN RIGHT NOW-WHO,ALTHOUGH LOVES ME AS WELL,IS CONVINCED THAT WE'RE "NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER"..... DAMN!!! CAN A BRUTHA GET A BREAK??? I HAVE NO END ALL-BE ALL SOLUTION TO GIVE TO YOU FOLKS.....IF YOU'VE GOT SOMEONE TO HAVE AND TO HOLD-DO JUST THAT-HAVE AND HOLD THEM....THERE AINT NOTHIN' WRONG WITH THAT,AND DON'T LET NOBODY TELL YOU DIFFERENT.IF YOU AINT GOT NOBODY,REMEMBER AINT NOBODY GOT YOU,EITHER. WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND,SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL DO YOUR BEST.NOBODY LIKES A MISERABLE,BITTER DRUNK-TRUST ME! I AINT NEVER LIED TO YOU YET,AND I'M NOT ABOUT TO START NOW.... GOOD LUCK....

-PAULIE SKI (nee BEARER) "

Now it's not spring and no girl loves me, but I was in a band and you'd be surprised at what some of those songs I wrote were about.  Now if I can just find some girl who does love me.  For real this time.  Maybe She'll change Her mind some day.  I'll still be here if She does.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  Later.  Now GFY.