I know! 

Ya Know...

In the face of our current economic and social crisis that we are collectively experiencing as a nation, We here at Guttermouth strongly believe that it is important to keep busy...

And that is why...

It's time for another edition of Guttermouth's annual Colorado Rockies Snow Tour!

As a few of you may remember from last year, Mark came down with Pneumonia and High Altitude Pulmonary Edema midway through the tour, and when he finally died we had to cancel a few shows...

But, as promised, we rebuilt him, we had the technology, we made him better, stronger, faster...

And now Colonel Mark Adkins and Guttermouth are ready to bring our stellar Six Million Dollar Man brand of punk rock to a high altitude dive near you...

2/20 Ft. Collins CO - The Aggie Theatre

2/21 Denver CO - Marquis

2/22 Colorado Springs CO - The Black Sheep

2/24 Aspen CO - The Belly Up

2/25 Crested Butte CO - The Eldo

2/26 Breckenridge CO - Three20South

2/27 Vail CO - SandBar

2/28 Grand Junction CO - Mesa Theater

3/1 Salt Lake City UT - Burt's Tiki Lounge

3/2 Boise ID - Gusto Bar

3/4 Reno NV - Underground

3/5 Tahoe CA - Whiskey Dick's

3/7 Redondo Beach CA - Brixton South Bay


Yup, that's about it. Stay tuned for further details and other such nonsense.

Hi, Mark here

been awhile, but now that I am back on the road again and kicking the band into high gear, Also ready to make a brand new cd for the infamous Hopelesss records...my nads are pumped!

not sure of the PSI, but that makes no nevermind...they are pumped!

Like I said, our New release comes out on Hopeless Reocrds...basically our first record label.

It was nearly twenty years ago toady, that Sergeant Pepper taught my band to play, but...no really

next year will be our twentieth anniversary...

or rather!! it's not a diamond anniversary, nor silver, more like aluminum...

On that note, it makes no difference what sort of precious, semi-precious and or recyclable metal this monumental occasion amounts to, we will be touring our nads off.

As to what will happen in Year 21?

No guarantees after our nads are gone.

after all, have you ever had a money back guarantee that works? I think not!

So as I sit in Geneva Switzerland I feel compelled to address the millions and millions of my band's fans and make this the best year of my life before I stick a Samurai Sword in My upper Abdomen

Read: Sepuku
Read: Hari Kiri
Read: "Off Myself"

Which I have absolutely no intention of doing because I will be playing as long if not longer than both Charlie Harper and Iggy. So you are stuck with me...Suck it up

Tomorrow is another day and I will be there in Luxembourg...with Morrissey. If you don't believe me , ask my ghostwriter Ryan.

Thank You, Goodbye for now

Mark

most of the world has failed you...

Why you ask?

good question....

because it is mostly mother-fucked. The American DOW jones has its dick entrenched firmly in the dirt. The world Bank is on the verge of economic collapse. The UK is involved in a Cromwellian credit crunch...

Washington Mutual has gone belly up for fuck's sake!!!!

what's next? Locusts? Rivers of Blood? Pale horses and all that other shit?

has the apocalypse finally descended upon us?

NAY I SAY...NAY

why you ask...again

Because, gentle readers and fans of the rock that is Punk

GUTTERMOUTH IS GOING ON TOUR!!!!!!

Impressive huh? I used caps lock (for effect)

AND, we are coming to Europe!!!!!

A whole shitload of Europe...

seriously, name a country and we'll be there

So!

for all of ye of little faith...have faith in us...our stock is rising, as is Less than Jake's

And I will see you...

- Ryan

I swear if we don't get at least 4 people sending us messages about how they want to hurt one of us, after each show we play, then we simply aren't doing our job.

I remember the days when you could play a punk show and that was that. But now its seems as though most of you so called "punks" are growing sand in your vagina's and are getting upset at Guttermouth spreaking our mind at our shows or actually taking what we say seriously at all.

So I give you two options
A: Play it safe!! Spend your money on one of your favorite PC or Christian punk bands who tell you what you want to hear, and go home with a big shit eating grin on your face for mommy.
B: Suck it up and go to a Guttermouth show, get sweaty, get made fun of , and maybe even get hurt.

Hey its a fucking punk show, if you don't like it then go beat off on a Fall out boy record and call it a day, because I don't see us sobering up and deciding to be nice anytime soon.

Balls

Drop him a line, he loves to chat to people he doesn't know and cannot see!

Guttermarkadkins@yahoo.com

Chances are good that he will respond

I tell ya

but Nastia Liukin, woo-boy she turns my fuckin crank...what a dish

Why Nastia Liukin you ask? and not someone more visually appealing like say...Alicia Sacramone? Because I only fuck winners, Ok?

Now back to business:

The tour was sweet, highlights include Orlando, Denver, Jacksonville, Phoenix, Charleston, Salt Lake, Ketchum...

did I forget anyone? who cares you ask?

Ok. Moving Right along...

Guttermouth is going to Hawaii!

ah yes, Hawaii, land of Pineapples, Misubi, Pearl Harbor, Polite Japanese Tourists, Surfing, Fat American Tourists, Fat American Tourists Surfing, Fat American Tourists Eating Polite Japanese Tourists...and Jack Lord

We will be there late in the month of october, coincidentally right on my 27h birthday...

so we have decided (meaning I have decided) to call this the "Ryan needs to do something with his life before he turns thirty like maybe find a good paying job or settle down with a stable girl...tour"

Three Nights of your favorite band performing live on the two of the most beautiful rocks amidst a pretty goddamned beautiful cluster of polynesian Rocks known popularly as The Big Island, and Oahu

See you there friends and neighbors,

Mahalo, Ryan

It's Yours fuckface!

Ahhahahahaha

why is it yours...I will tell you presently dearest of blogest readersest

But first...I must apologize to all of you, I have been remiss in my obligation as official correspondent between you and your beloved musical entity that is popularly known as Guttermouth...why?

because I have a drug problem! that's why!

and now back to the beauty of our business

Ryan Here...news down there

as perhaps dozens of you may know GUTTERMOUTH IS NOW ON TOUR!!!

(waits for applause)

ah thank you very much!

Shitloads of things have happened since our last correspondence, but I can tell you at the very least this much...

I am the coolest person on the face of the Earth...with relative certainty

Now that that is right out my system...news

We've cajoled and bamboozled our way through the american southwest. From Flaggstaf to Phoenix, from Prescott to Albuquerque, from Texas to tits up drunk abandoned at the Crawfish house in bumfuck Louisiana...And at long last we arrive in beloved Florida...blessed be thy state

I have a hardon for Orlando, if it was a girl with marginally large breasts and a backside to match I would fuck it's face and then finish it off with a good old around the world...Give me a kiss Orlando, you would never disappoint me

And then comes Tampa...kind of like Orlando's ugly little sister, that gives a heck of a blowjob...so we shack up with the lovely dirty little bitch all the same, and we wake in the morning feeling like we shared a bed with Pam Anderson...because lets face it ladies and gents....

Sexual euphemisms are fun...but Florida is the best

And when I sail away from this beloved and fantastic little geographical cock that hangs swinging dick free from the southeast fly of the U S of A...

I my just fucking cry

More soon my friends,

with humility....Ryan

Well there Germs and Gents and anyone and everyone in between, which would include that pre-op transsexual I met in Sacramento (tits as big as her dick, but I've never been known to be picky)

It's Ryan here again and I'm gonna keep this short sweet and sincere and in three parts because there is a lot to cover.

Some of you may have noticed that there are some new faces and names in this here boy scout troop we like to call Guttermouth, and that, of course must mean accordingly that some other faces and names have moved onto greener pastures.

First, Mr. Scott Sheldon.

For twenty years Scott devoted his life to both his responsibilities as guitarist of Guttermouth and to that of a devoted family man. In spite of all the debauchery that this band is known for, Scott has been known as the bright moral center, never judging, never complaining, and dutifully being a good guy and a good friend in my humble opinion.

Just recently the Sheldon clan welcomed a fourth child to their respectable family, and as modest band pay is just a dandy living for a swinging dick young hot shot like me, feeding a family of four takes a little bit more than a 24 pack of beer on the band rider and gas money to get from Bakersfield to South Lake Tahoe. Scott has gracefully bowed out of the band and he will be missed, here's to you Mr. Sheldon, thank you for everything you've taught me.

Stay tuned for part two of my (hopefully) 3 part news extravaganza Where I will go over everything else that is happening, has happened, will be happening, and yadda frickin yadda good night

Mr. Farrell

Like I said, I will be but not now. I will also be posting am email address for you to contact me personally.
For instance, you will now be able to ask me advise on nearly anything. From romance to travel tips to the age old question, "French hairstylist vs. domestic. That sort of thing. My first inquiry was from Frank from the greater Port city of Greece. He asked, "Mark, when the battery in my auto dies, should I hold a proper funeral for it, give it to the out of towner at the repair shop or dump it into the sea?". A valid question, but I'm out the door and on my way to Trader Joe's to pick up a tub of their signature Three Pepper Hummus. I will get back to you Frank. Thanks for the inquiry!
See how efficient this service will be!
I look forward to all of your questions, comments as well as feedback.

All The Best,

Mark

So...

Here we are again loyal lovely readers, me and my thoughts and you and your laptop...

Ryan here, news down there

San luis Obispo: a lovely town nestled in between Santa Barbara and the North of California, A DMZ if you will between two regions of the Golden State that possesses the sharpest cultural divide I have ever encountered within any one state in the union. Regardless of this fact Guttermouth loves North and South with equal abandon.

A casual observer of our show in SLO would doubtlessly argue that they were witnessing the implosion of a band live and in technicolor...which is both true and false

Guttermouth is not going away folks, we are here to stay. And Thank you SLO for giving us a good time.

924 Gilman Street: if you were there and had fun, you know exactly why it was fun for you. If you were present and possibly offended, then you were touched off by the same exact reasons that made the show so much fun for the bulk of those in attendance...enough said

South Lake Tahoe: on the border of Nevada and California in a place called Whisky Dick's Saloon, Guttermouth played a sweaty messy show to a crowd of enthusiastic lover's of the drink, one of the best times I've had in years.

And that' all for now, if you have any questions, listen to "Rum Sodomy and the Lash" and then get all philosophical and pretentious and you'll be right where my mind is at.

Speaking of Irish Folk/Punk...anyone Heard the latest from Flogging Molly? If not, give it a listen, one of the best records I've owned in years.

Until soon, Ryan

to score a damn thing to keep us awake...therefore I will dictate my score to the lot of you!

Tonight we saw X at the Henry Fonda in Los Angeles, which kicked the balls off of Social Distortion!

I've got Scissors, I'm not afraid to use them...in between hick-ups that is!

I will cut out from the paper the emblem of "Toyota" which eventually will kick the crap out of GM someday!

there once was a grand day when Lee Iacoca tried to save the country by saving the company that was…Chrysler!

the one thing he did do, Mr. Iacoca was to invent the minivan...which became a staple of American society…which was enough to redeem the fledgling car industry.

But, as gas prices soar...due to inflation...definitely not dude to W's war on countries such as Tanzania, possibly Darfur, maybe Afghanistan...which oddly enough…incidentally.

Speaking of Afghan's, my mother...no, my Grandmother once upon a time, took a dickload of time to knit me an Afghan for my birthday, or for Easter…I cannot recall…inconsequential as the event may have been.

The warmth I feel from the handcrafted warming device, more notably known as a "blankey" was not only soft to the touch, but I feel as if the tribes of gambling Indians aided in the velour-like comfort, warmth, stead-fast hopefulness that if I were cabined in Colorado during the 1900's, my chances of survival would be fair to midland.

Other than that...I do have an axe to lop down trees for the warmth I may need during the cold winter that is found in nowhere but Colorado.

I am thankful for one thing...and I'm not sure who to thank...but sometimes I thank Political personnel, such as Al Gore who won the book award (known as the Whoopie Goldberg or Oprah Winfrey Book of the year award...they're all the same to me…

Think about it! Oprah was so intrigued by a book about methamphetamine recovery that was total hogwash, that not only did she wash the hog, but she had the author appear on her program once again to tell the truth about the bollocks and the untruth's about it!

My take on this is Money! This fucking guy made dickloads of money off of some crazy ass tall tale that brain surgeon Dope-rah believed...that I don't know

I think Oprah should be the next judge on American Idol...replacing either that Black guy, or Paula Abdul (the Persian Rebel)

this has been a trying night for me. I 've wanted nothing more than to kick my feet up on the sofa and find a powdery white substance, then gently apply it to my tube-steak and friends, warding off the evils of Climate Change due to the Chinese and their abuse of Tibet...and I repeat...due to the Chinese and their abuse of the environment with no regard to future generations.

Speaking of!

In the hypothetical situation, the movie King Kong was real! And it most obviously must have come from China. Because only such a grotesque ape and monkey variety of tree climbing beast who also had the ability to climb not only the Empire State Building but also the Twin Towers as well could have come from…

This may sound like two different movies, Color and not Color, however the one that was not In Color, well you could still tell that the Monkey was Black.

Back to China!

Lucky for the Crew, each crew had a skilled Fisherman...on the first movie the fisherman was named Nick. Nick could capture fish with Cheese, ape netting and the occasional spot of dynamite.

In the second movie, the fisherman was named Carl...he was not a fisherman by trade, but by chance. Fishing was his bag. Carl was adept at netting (and I use that term loosely) more than enough fish for Jeff Bridges and the rest of the cast, as well as enough for Geoff Santini, who were all of them fans of the fish flounder (or cousin of said fish)

Alas…No one minded the strictly fish menu! Deep fried, skillet served, cooked under a magnifying glass...that thing they cook ants under...this method of preparation always brought forth a succulent and savory treat for the skipper and his first mate, his fair maiden and, because of the collective efforts of Nick and Carl, the crew and cast would never suffer the scurge that is scurvy and providence would befall them all.

So let that be a lesson to you. Vitamin C, Fish with vitamin C, bring forth the concoction of the magic of trans-atlantic Scurvy free voyages...welcome aboard

Good Night, and Healhty Fishing to you all

-Mark

Then Run (do not walk) to the nearest and greatest venue in an around your little neck of the earth, look up to the bright lights of the Marquee and check to see if you are greeted by the word Guttermouth shining back at you in the splendor of the night sky!

If it is, then we are a coming your way! you lucky bastard you!

If it is not, then you must live in an awful town and we didn’t want to come play for you in the first place...

That’s right sports fans, Guttermouth is playing a myriad of shows in Northern California

Santa Cruz! Santa Barbara...Bakersfield! and many more!

and (statistically speaking) the chances are good that we will be in a town near you...

So come on down and bring the wife and kids!

Don’t have a wife and kids?

Then bring someone else wife and kids, buy the kids ice cream, pin a twenty dollar bill to their chests, drop em at the bus stop and bring the little lady to our show.

you don’t need kids around when you’re trying to handle delicate matters...You know what I mean?

I mean having an affair with someone else’s wife! That’s what I mean!

See ya there folks!

Ryan