.. .. .. .. .. .. ....

coasting on the amtrak in the “quiet car” through the northeast from providence, rhode island back to brooklyn through the autumnal landscape.  finally found a place of peace and quiet within after what’s felt like a lot of hustling and movement over the last couple of weeks (or months or years for that matter).  i have my headphones in with no music, maybe that’s helping to psychologically drown a lot of the noise inside and out without adding any more stuff, ha!

 ....

talking with dj boo who so deflty dj’ed the asian american arts alliance gala two weeks ago, he told me that some times he just sits with his noise-canceling headphones on no music.  to kinda cleanse the palate, cleanse the system.  sometimes i’m so full of words, bursting with them, and sometimes they are sulky and tired and hang around lazily inside of my mouth – they actually clamp my lips shut and say, alright already, enough.

 ....

one of my friends who dropped by a performance i did in brooklyn in the spring sat back and observed as i chatted away post-show, and he said, “damn, you did more talking in that 15 minutes than i do between breakfast and lunch.”  i think it’s true that a lot of performers are introverts at heart.  in some ways being a performer takes the pressure off the individual to break the ice at all through the attention-grabbing nature of the stage, the mandate/sanction/invitation to be everything that you are (and in some cases aren’t) in that circumscribed space – it’s no wonder that so many of us post-show slink right back into our shells....

 ....

so direct from the edge of my shell – cars, trains, and planes these two weeks alllll over the place.  driving from brooklyn to watertown, new york (yes, indeed, i drove – which is typically a biannual occurrence – the 6-7 hour stretch since it’s still a bit hard to get there by train) and got that intense sense, that intense feeling of learning about america.  when i think about all the different kinds of people that i meet in a given week – it’s pretty extraordinary.  places that i maybe never would have gone to, life experiences that i would have known nothing about – it’s such a wonder to me that these delicate yet sturdy arrangements of words can be reason and purpose enough to bring so many people together and bring me to so many places – it is a blessing even if the act of traveling itself sometimes feels like a curse, ha!

 ....

i feel blessed that throughout my life i’ve had significant living experiences in rural, urban, and surburban areas in the u.s. and abroad, that i’ve been able to get a sense of what life is like in these places full of diverse tempos, rhythms, values, concerns, cultures, issues.  this is one of the greatest gifts of being an independent artist – this kind of close proximity to people’s lives, the welcoming into their known, your unknown and vice versa.      

 ....

watertown up by the canadian border is a manufacturing town, a military town on the canadian border.  i was talking with folks there about the impact of having fort drum and the 10^th mountain division in watertown (which is a combat division training many of the young soldiers who are being deployed in iraq and afghanistan).  one of the organizers for my performance at jefferson community college who was born and raised in the area said that she is thankful that the 10^th mountain division is there and hopes that there are more, since the area has so few jobs.  she mentioned that even if young people want to – it often is too difficult to stay in watertown due to lack of work.

 ....

then flip that to last night’s  performance at brown university’s asian/asian american history month convocation where we got into lots of heavy convo’s about asian pacific islander american identity and social movements – like really really understanding the diversity and unique challenges of galvanizing a community without a shared language, a shared history, or shared cultures whether in our home countries or here – or reaching back to learn and know more about asian pacific islander american history so we don’t always feel like we the first goddamn ones to be doing anything – all of this wrapped inside the most liberal of the ivy league campuses, which all have their own cultures of elitism and struggle against that elitism within themselves.

 ....

and between all of this – long stretches of dark highway in the mountains, long tracks of railroad through the fluttering woods...and one poet traversing all of these pathways, trying to make sense in syllable sounds of it all... 

 ....

thanks so much to mary, frank, michael, karynn (i hope you feel better soon!), kenji, helen, the whole steering committee, word!, arkipelaga –

 ....

i think we’ve all gotten our blessing and our warning –

 ....

i listened to jack kerouac’s on the road on cd for a little bit while i was driving – and stopped listening to it after the 3^rd cd – enough to remember what captivated me about it when i first read it as a distraction from mid-terms when i was 18 (in addition to suddenly taking up knitting) and more than enough to know that it doesn’t nearly encompass even a fraction of the life stories that need to be written and told about living life on the road, especially in our vastly evolving america today.

 ....

off to vancouver, washington – early early early flight tomorrow morning...

 ....

blessings,

kelly

hey my people my people :) gettin' it in where it's fittin' this week -- just got back from back-to-back performances at indiefeed.com's nyc showcase at the bowery poetry club (much love to mongo!) and the we got issues! celebration gala at the theater at st. peter's (much love to all the WGI! crew old and new) -- just chillaxing with some eats and good company at the crib before i take off for waterton, ny tomorrow for a show at jefferson community college.  feeling positive, awake, and over-full :)
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for the weekly rewind -- hosting and performing for last week's gala for asian american arts alliance was not only fabulous, shiny, and fun, but a wonderfully intimate and personally inspiring event (much love to lillian, nico, and the whole staff as asian american arts alliance) -- everyone on the mic was so heartfelt in terms of their own paths to success in film, fashion, television, and visual art.  it takes a lot of believers along the way in any one person's career (which i can definitely attest too) and that strong sense that what you will become is something that may not be quite possible yet -- but you will be a part of the catalyzing force that changes the whole game up and makes the formerly impossible possible -- congrats again to suchin, tomie, joe, maulik, and alice and everyone who came out to support our successes as asian pacific islander americans in arts and entertainment -- the change isn't coming, why...it's already here and happening right now.

here's a pic from the night snapped by phil nee:

(From left to right: Alan Okada, Tomie Arai, Kelly Zen-Yie Tsai, Alice Wu, SuChin Pak, Lily Lu, Judah Friedlander, Jeannie Park, Maulik Pancholy)

got the chance to check out nomadic massive at the college music journal (cmj) festival happening in nyc this weekend, which was no less than heart-thumping ground-shaking urban tribes ripping everything in their paths and exploding with goodness in no less than ten multilingual, multi-instrumental voices -- so if you get the chance to check 'em out loud -- most definitely do not miss these folks that are chartering that territory of where transnational hip hop is right now.

(catching the theme this week?  ha!)

performed at the domestic violence prevention summit hosted by kevin powell and april silver/akila worksongs this weekend -- which got my head moving in about a skillion directions like why are there so few services for men in general, and even moreso for straight men, who are survivors of rape, incest, and abuse?  even if those services do or did exist -- they wouldn't be able to just graft the kind of services that women receive at domestic violence counseling services and shelters right?  there would be a whole different range of issues/kinds of counseling perhaps that male survivors would be dealing with. 

i worked as a domestic violence counselor in college, and it's true that sometimes people who work in domestic violence counseling are not only survivors but currently in abusive relationships (my old co-worker/mentor was nearly killed by her partner during the time she worked at the shelter).  when is there ever a dialogue between people who are actively abusers (and feel justified in it) and people who work within domestic violence prevention -- besides on "jerry springer" -- so a lot of good work being done and a lot more to do -- true. 

saw "paranormal activity" this weekend, which i gots to say i was less than excited by the actual film (although in some ways it was a wonderfully simple and focused story, just a handful of characters, one location, one storyline) --  for one thing, why do people in scary movies always fuck around with things that they are told distinctly NOT to fuck around?  but i do think that it's an exciting moment in film in general, since the studios are getting hip to the fact that everything is changing in terms of how movies can and should be marketed and distributed -- and that internet buzz and personal testimony is as effective if not more effective in terms of getting people in the theaters than advertising dollars -- which i hope shifts the focus more towards we get the kind of arts and entertainment that we WANT so long as we spread the good word ourselves -- sounds good to me, yeah huh :) -- for the grassroots diy movement that dreamworks very likely bit the marketing and distribution concept from, check out this youtube video case study on "four-eyed monsters" if ya' don't know about it already --  

getting long again this week -- but congrats to all the new grads of the we got issues! leadership institute :) and whhhhhhaaaaaa the event at the bowery for indiefeed was incredible some of spoken word/performance poetry's best and brightest masters of the form, the true diehards were in the house.  it felt so good to be in that electric room of people who've dedicated so much time, passion, and meticulous attention to the craft of spoken word -- folks like mike mcgee, helena d. lewis, mahogany browne, christin o'keefe aptowicz, emily kagan trenchard, gary mex glazner, and the founder of indiefeed mongo (and that was just in the last hour of the three hour spoken word/performance poetry bonanza) -- the true impulse.  a night that illustrates the unique sophistication, impact, and  fire of spoken word/performance poetry that just isn't captured by ANYTHING ELSE.

we are poets, indeed.

blessings and thanks for hanging wit' me :)
kells

what's up world -- chillin' at the studio right now, gettin' a couple of things done before i head out the asian american arts alliance house of fame gala tonight -- honoring mtv's suchin pak, elle magazine's joe zee, 30 rock and weeds' maulik pancholy, saving face's alice wu, and visual artist tomie arai -- dj boo on the 1's and 2's and hosted by yours truly -- so gonna be a lot of fun tonight -- reception jumps off at 6, program at 7 -- you can still get tickets at the door, so for more info, check out: http://www.aaartsalliance.org :)
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let's see rewinding back on this week -- just did a workshop over at harlem children's zone yesterday where we dipped a 'lil bit 'lil bit into writing poetry and breaking down drake and trey songz' "successful" to explore what it means to be successful -- some folks were saying that rappers rap about all the same things (money, weed, sex).  some folks were saying that's because that's real life, and other people were saying it's because it's fantasy --

i know for me, i was mildly obsessed with the song this summer -- and at first i was like it's so whack, they're talking about all the same bullshit (money, car, clothes, ho's) -- but when i really started to listen to it not only the words, but the beat and the feeling of the hook -- it's so freakin' sad.  like how you gonna write a song about being successful that sounds like you're so depressed?  which is when i really started to listen to it -- and the layers: confusion, pain, frustration, apathy, all in the song -- this question -- is this what i really want, why do i want it, is it really getting me anywhere? 

and who says commercial music doesn't have anything to say?

i asked the youth to send me a few of their favorite artists and entertainers in advance (beyonce, queen latifah, raven symone, keyshia cole, trey songz, nicki minaj, kanye west, oprah) and made this little grid of a few of their biographies from 0-5, 5-10, 10-15, 15-20, 20-25 years of age -- i think what struck me most looking that stuff up, was not only how long "overnight successes" usually have been working in the industry -- but also, how much more incomplete the biographies of young artists are than more mature artists -- it's like the further that an artist gets to being established and "successful" the more confidence (or space? or desire?) there is to talk about the good, the bad, the ugly, the relevant, the irrelevant -- or maybe it's just the more justification for every detail of their personal lives to be on public record. 

also, the whole piece about the link between mc's and actors -- like we were talking about how nicki minaj went to laguardia performing arts high school (the high school that "fame" is based off of) -- and how many mc's are actually playing a role vs. themselves in their rhymes.  other rappers with early acting training include people as drastically different from each other as tupac to mos def -- so what's real or what's not real -- for some artists -- may not even be the point.  

but what is real is what happens when each of us turns off the radio -- with someone else's melodies lingering on our tongues, basslines in our ears, somebody else's words riding inside of our mouths -- and we have to confront the consequences of our lives as ourselves.

also went to kristina wong+alice tuan+soo-jin lee's apacunt panel at the 2nd asian american theater festival this sunday which was wild and woolly fun complete with hand-sewn genitals as props and the thorny conflicts between performance academia, working performance artists, and personal life all in a madcap semi-improv fake conference panel --

read applications for the next round of hedgebrook applicants with lots of other fantastic hedgebrook alumni (my co-reader busha rehman and i being the slowest, ah hem, most thorough or maybe easily distracted of all of us, ha!). checked out the hip hop theater festival's events on graffiti with masters like part one and carlos rodiguez (mare 139) in the house -- booty-shaking at moe's with natasha diggs and the gold diggaz on deck which was fun and rewinding back to last tuesday -- the fundraiser for the survivors of the typhoons in southeast asia at nightingale's (thanks hanalei!) -- 

blessings,
kells

wow -- tuesday already.  dang, this week has flown past.  right now in the studio, trying to get things re-organiz-ized, get caught up back on my email and facebook msg's etc. which is an uphill losing battle, ha! don't really know where this week went, but i do know that here we are again -- so yes, dear reader, since we last met --

lots of pre-production meetings for the upcoming shoot for "real women i know," lots of nursing my jacked-up back post-travels, lots of getting caught up (kinda) on sleep, did a walk-through of the fancy schmancy space for the asian american arts alliance house of fame gala that i'll be hosting next week with folks like Suchin Pak formerly of MTV News, Maulik Pancholy from 30 Rock & Weeds, Joe Zee from Elle, Alice Wu from Saving Face, and Tomie Arai of just general visual artist bad-assness -- so that's on and popping for tuesday night - to snag tix for the fabulous soiree -- click here -- for the super-ballers, there's a VIP ticket and for the mini-ballers, there's a discounted friend ticket -- so hope to see you in the house on the 20th in NYC --

rounded out the week by performing for asianinny.com's  harvest moon festival -- which was a fundraiser for the survivors of typhoon morakot.  over 400 people dead, hundreds still missing, and 13,000 people left homeless.  so much love to diana and chris for bringing lots of folks out in celebration of the harvest moon festival and to help raise funds for typhoon relief.  i did a newish piece that needs a lot of work tied back to the myth of the moon festival -- as far as chinese folklore goes -- the earth once had 10 suns which were scorching the earth.  houyi an archer shot down 9 of the suns and left 1 sun so plants on earth could continue to grow. there is another part of the story that involves his lover chang'e and a pill that promised immortality that she eats and causes her to float away to the moon.  once on the moon, there is a jade rabbit so moved by her story that it tries to grind up a pill to give to her to allow her to return back to earth to be with houyi -- as most myths go, there's a bunch of different versions of it, but those elements are generally consistent throughout. 
 
also, saw spike lee presents lemon andersen's "county of kings" at the public theater on sunday, and if you have any loot or any sense at all and you'll be coming through NYC between now and early november (the play is running for 6 weeks) -- YOU MUST GO SEE THIS PLAY.  i don't remember weeping and laughing and feeling in a performance as deeply as i did at this one in a long time.  to peep the ny times review, go here.  

as a performer, i think one of the bad occupational hazards/habits that you pick up is watching other performers with the deconstruct-brain on like, "hmmm...i wonder what instruments are on the lighting plot, the story structure seems to be following this or this or that, the language is moving between this or that..." -- but i gotsta say lemon's show was so disarming and absorbing, that my deconstruct-brain shut completely off and just sat with both hands under her chin in admiration, awe, and gratitude for his incredible work.  spoken word at its finest.  hip hop poetics and storytelling, not as a gimmick, but as the truth.  word is bond.  so proud to see how everybody is on the come up and innovating what we are and can become.  

about to head out to the lifeline fundraiser at nightingale's tonight in nyc raising money for the typhoons that hit southeast asia with koba, dj boo, magnetic north, taiyo na, and more all in the house.  glad to have the community come together, sad and scared that the fundraisers for natural disaster relief will become interminable given the state of global warming -- and as the now-resigned van jones has talked about -- when eco-problems hit, they're gonna hit the people with the least resources hardest all over the world.

so here's to holding our future.

blessings,
kellz

p.s. and can't go this week without a quick mention of the obama nobel peace prize sitch -- was i surprised?  yes.  do i think he deserves it for his record of work?  no.  do i think he deserves it for the potential impact he can make moreso than any other person on planet earth right now?  possibly, this merits more discussion.  do i think it's realistic to envision any state leader to move forward completely without any war/military intervention on the radar?  no.  do i think that he probably has done a lot of things in the name of both peace and war that we have no idea about and perhaps don't have the context to fully understand?  yes.  so that's all i'll say about that for now, ha!   

what's up wooooooorld!  literally JUST got back from boston and before that philadelphia and before that norfolk -- doin' a couple thangs around the studio listening to dj beto's reggae de raices mix feelin' good feelin' great before i head out to queens for a goodbye din din for a dear friend.  gonna be breakin' bread, or ah hem, actually spooning out the pancit if ya' know what i mean :)

wow, what can i say?  it's been one of those life-changing weeks, so many people, places, conversations, incredible performances, building, talking, exploring growing.  i do think that i threw out my back (ai!) lugging my little road warrior suitcase around from gig to gig -- so luckily one of my girls who's a massage therapist is gonna help me work that out -- but in a slightly stupid way made me painfully (literally) aware of how few subway stations in new york's five boroughs are NOT wheelchair accessible, i.e. no elevators.  so if you were curious re: which ones actually are wheelchair accessible -- check it out here -- i mean, for real for real, it pretty much sucks for folks who have more serious and permanent conditions than say a traveling poet who doesn't know how to carry her luggage properly.

much much love to nam and all the folks at the old dominion university apasu -- i had such a great time connecting with all the students there, just learning more about what's going on in norfolk - it was much much fun -- good heart, good spirits, good people all around :)  and lots of love to maori, papo, gayle, sham-e-ali, denise, grace, leeway foundation, swarthmore, asian arts initiative and the whole legion of bad-ass artists, cultural workers, and presenters that worked so hard to make the kitchen table revisited event happen over at swarthmore college and the asian arts initiative in philadelphia.

i know a lot of touring poets (and independent artists in general) who lament the loneliness of life on the road -- i was reading steve martin's autobiography born standing up while i was at hedgebrook (altho' i will never forgive him for the taiwanese factory scene at the end of "bowfinger" -- but still a fascinating artist's journey and read) and he was talking about how lonely being a touring comic was before there were really comedy clubs (which i didn't realize were more an advent of the 1980's and before there weren't any -- for most of his first gigs, he kinda shoehorned his comedy/magic act into folk music shows) and before cell phones...y'know, like back when long-distance calls were mad expensive -- whew!  anybody remember that?!

oddly enough, i love it, ha!  i can't get enough of it.  sure, i miss being in my bed and my friends and being at home and a regular schedule, but the mix of solitude and places unfamiliar to me, all the stories, characters, life experiences i come across -- i end up feelin' pretty okay over all -- but that being said, it's always a joy, an honor, and a pleasure to do a really really dope group show like the one we did this weekend with ursula rucker of philadelphia, liza garza of atlanta, d'lo of los angeles, mayda del valle of los angeles, and myself :)

talk about vastly different ways of coming into and exploring spoken word from liza's plaintive and powerful hip hop folk stylings to d'lo's goofy joke-crackin' and dramatic monologues to mayda's spitfire gut-busting poetic declarations to ursula's finely honed vibrations of song, spirit, and soul with her band to well, you know me :) chatty chatty chatty and trying my damnedest to get you to laugh/feel/cry in poetic riffs sketched from my life...

to say i learned so much would be an understatement.  energy, art, craft, life, and community, and the fact that the questions re: what it means to be an artist and more importantly what it means to be YOURSELF as a an artist are never-ending.  it's our freedom and our responsibility to make the work that is closest to our hearts - no matter what the environment or opportunities or bogus conditions are.  our stories, the greater spirit of it all, the diasporic artforms of hip hop and spoken word deserve our commitment, our intensity, our investment, our honesty, and i couldn't pick a more fab group of women to have in my crew to be walking this road with. 

so yes, thank you thank you thank you.  and yes, creator, thank you for offering it all to us to hear, answer the call, and experience :)

rounding out the week of touring -- much love to andy and the crew at northeastern university's asu -- which was lots of fun at their afterhours last night :)  i swear everybody there reminded me of my baby cousins, ha! 

so from nimen de biao-jye -- xie xie nimen zai jian!

gotsta get to dinner now --

healing nicely --
kells :) 

what's up world -- i wuz gonna say -- imagine if you will ralph tresvant's "sensitivity" as the soundtrack to this week's blog, and then i watched it again on youtube and realized it has nothing to do with this blog.  but i pasted it into the bottom, just for yuks.

so anyways, on the topic of sensitivity.  or on the topic of this last week - since last week, just been hustlin' trying to get my house in order, meetings for moving earth productions llc, pre-production for "real women i know" film shoot, organizing and cleaning my studio, continuing to work on the solo show (which is changing titles at this point from "the grieving room" to "sleep on wood" and seems to want more and more to become a kind of genre-defying epic choreopoem -- so i've been doing some research in terms of genre form for that), girl-talk over half-price sushi in manhattan, gettin' a little bit sick and then a little bit over that, and checking out the amazing marc cary (http://www.marccary.com/) at harlem gatehouse who threw down with phonte from little brother and the foreign exchange and the ever-wondrous and smile-full jessica care moore.

about to head out to norfolk, virginia for a performance at old dominion university (yay! nam and christy :), then to philadelphia for a bangin' show with ursula rucker, mayda del valle, liza garza, andd'lo all in the house over at swarthmore, and then rounding out the weekend at northeastern university in boston, ma on monday -- all between when you, dear reader, and i shall meet again next week, so i'm loading up on my emergen-c for all that :) 

so i started reading this book called denning and phillips practical guide to psychic self-defense and well-being, which i borrowed from my girl davida in seattle (who hilariously had this book, captain underpants, and the diary of anais nin all right next to each other.  gotta love my girls!) -- which is interesting, since i was told by a palm reader a long time ago, when i was going through a hard time that my aura is getting thin.  and when i'm exhausted, i usually find myself saying, "my spirit is tired."

there was a period in my life when i used to read palms and have my palms read all of the time, do tarot cards with my gal pals, etc.  i made a conscious effort not to bring my tarot cards with me when i moved to new york five years ago, since i thought i'd be doing them allll the damn time to help me see my way through my transitions.  i just have a set of i ching cards that i'll pull out once in a while -- kind of a western bastardized version of i ching -- but i will say that once when i was in college and going through a particularly emotionally stressful time -- i dreamed for three days in a row, exactly what was going to happen the following day.  weird?  yes.  but true. 

i guess at the very least, any artist is an intuitive, a sensitive person.  (even the most asshole-ish ones.  i've frequently been amazed at what a jerk/hard-ass someone is in person, but when you experience their art it's a whole world of other feelings, complexities, nuances -- which was a good lesson for me to learn -- just because someone can access this in their artwork doesn't mean that they can access this is in their personal lives) one who opens up channels, who picks up things, who is operating in the spoken and the unspoken words.  one who is listening, feeling, experiencing, and sometimes giving voice in new ways to what he or she finds.  so it makes folks especially susceptible.  especially sensitive.  not too be confused with being OVERLY sensitive, right?  how many times has every person been told "stop being so sensitive!"  there's a difference between being able to tell what is there, but just isn't articulated on the surface, and what isn't there, and that's a matter of intuition, listening, learning, and trusting the authority of your own perception.

sensitivity.  but if that's the case, you got to be able to switch it on and off and feel good about that ability, that embrace of limitation, especially if you work in a field (formally or informally) that demands your psychic open-ness like being any kind of care-taker, teacher, therapist, etc.  the book even makes a strong assertion for housewives (the book was originally written in 1980) to take special note, since they are the center of the household's demands and also the target of most consumer-driven marketing and advertising.

hmmmm...so here's to psychic self-defense and strong, healthy auras (which if it sounds too ner-nu ner-nu to you -- again that was an attempt at the "twilight zone" theme) is at the very least a strong sense of self-confidence, self-care, and autonomy.  can't argue with that, now can you?

this made me extremely sad in the news yesterday "beating death of derrion albert, 16, caught on video", which of course, given my sensitive nature -- i didn't watch the video of.  real talk.  real talk.  real talk.  when i found out it was in chicago, it made me even more sad.  not sure what to make of the obama trip to support for the 2016 olympics -- i hope he gets some of the old homies on the development committee then to help preserve some of the neighborhoods on the south side from massive overnight gentrification that would absolutely happen pre- and post-olympics. 

if you were in need of a little sensitivity...



now going to work on bringing back a shirt-less, high-waisted look for men.  it's about time, my people, it's about time.

kisses,
kellz 

what's up world :) back at the crib in bed-stuy -- which is nice getting back on my square after returning from my month on the west coast, chillin' in brooklyn for a couple days, an excellent weekend performance out in minneapolis at equilibrium at the loft (much love to bao, juliana, and the whole minneapolis/st. paul crew and poem-cees and brittany delaney for holding it down!), and a performance at nyc sulu series to benefit coalition for asian children and families (thanks so much cynthia, taiyo, and boo!)...

it's pretty powerful to be back and feel in control of my time, energy, and creative life. if anything i learned being at hedgebrook -- it's more important that you just finish the damn thing -- that is, anything that you're working on -- knowing that the whole process is usually fraught with so many insecurities. you just have to do the best job you know that you are capable of, and recognize that just doing it prepares you for the next and for the next and the next.

so yup, it's true -- i now have a studio space out in DUMBO (down under manhattan bridge) brooklyn where i do all my writing, rehearsal, and creative development, which has been super-dope. at first, i was like what kind of poet rents out an office for themselves?! i thought the whole point of being an artist is that you don't have to BE in an office, ha! but honestly, after working from home for the last five years, i found myself with a strange creeping envy of morning commuters on the train in their work clothes with somewhere to go.

i had to ask myself, "hmmm, what's going on here?" because i love the work that i do, and sure being in control of your own time and energy as an independent artist is indeed living the dream -- but especially after returning from hedgebrook, i realized something that plagues a lot of artists (at every level of success) is that we often don't take ourselves very seriously, which i think definitely inhibits the artist and the art.

it is a fairly schizophrenic life being a writer/performer. before moving into my studio, i felt like half my time was spent working at home alone in my pajamas and the other half was being all flossy at my shows talking to everybody and they mama. writing and performing is serious business, so like any other job it requires time, energy, resources, space, and efficiency in order to develop work, distribute it, communicate it, and to generally just do it well.

now, that i have the studio space - i don't know how i managed without it for so long. and it's nice for home, just to be home, instead of rolling out of bed and literally onto my desk and laptop computer ha! DUMBO is already and becoming moreso a mecca for so many arts org's in new york -- everybody from wax poetics to asian american arts alliance to hyphen to brooklyn arts council to hip hop theater festival are based out here. flooded with galleries, photographers, designers, music studios, and of course, small yappy dogs.

(my studio is actually part of a music studio, which is hilarious because one day i was recording a scratch track with my desktop mic and garage band on my computer and stefano who owns the music studio came in - horrified - and said with his fantastic italian accent, "what are you DOING? YOU'RE IN A MUSIC STUDIO!").

it's also right on the hudson river, so it makes for beautiful sunny days for reading and writing and walking (which is more and more becoming a part of my creative process, ha!). i feel so thankful for the space. for so long, i think my poetry journals themselves - the sheer blank pages were enough space for everything i needed. i remember pat schneider talking about this in writing alone and with others and virginia woolf writing about this in a room of one's own. the central privacy, the primary privacy is your notebook. once you have that, you can go and be yourself anywhere in the world.

part of me feels like this is incredibly boring to blog about, but the other part of me knows that this is critical -- carving out time and space and resources in support of artistic work. it's IMPORTANT for the WORLD to have as much privacy as one can at different phases in life and the work. and privacy can come from setting aside a half hour each week or through ear plugs or by going on a retreat or by making a commitment with a creative partner or group of creative partners to stay committed to the work or incredible personal jedi mind trick kind of skills to block everything else out.

it's nice to have a place in the world to stretch my creative arms and legs a little bit, to celebrate and honor my work in the same way that entrepreneurs and small business owners do all the freakin' time (even for businesses that they think are dumb). i'm gonna have a little sign made for the outside of the studio to make it official official -- KZT/Moving Earth Productions LLC. get a little kettle pot to make tea and stuff. i'm proud and excited and happy every morning to get up and go to work :) no commuter envy anymore, ha!

what dreams and wonders, i would have never expected from poetry at all.

here's to the gloriously unknown and formerly unimagined coming to fruition.

until next spell --

blessings,

kells :)

what's up world :)  approximately t-minus 51 minutes until i gots to get to the airport and head back to broooooooklyn.  i'm chillin' at my girl davida's apt. in this dope cooperative (which there seem to be tons of in seattle), laying on her bed with the homemade quilt on it, mini-fan blowing, alaskan fish tacos in my belly, and the sun slipping behind the skyline of houses and trees.  wheeeeeeew.

it's only been two days since i left hedgebrook but zapped right back into the buzzing of the "real world" indeed.  i absolutely didn't want to leave that magical place.  i think i took photos of every single corner between my cottage and the main farmhouse upon leaving and waited until the very last second to pack all my stuff.  before i left, i got to share the farmhouse table with poet susan rich and young adult fantasy author bridget norquist from seattle, naturalist/poet/novelist/memoirist rebecca lawton from sonoma, ca, poet and fiction writer mai der vang from fresno, ca, poet tess gallagher (aka raymond carver's widow) from port washington, wa, poet fran richey from nyc, and screenwriter karen sampson from peterborough, vt.

and yes indeed, between gobbling on blackberry cobbler and wandering through lavender fields, sharing words, work, and stories, we also plotted how to take over the world -- well, actually we  already have :)

i forgot on my windowsill right by my desk a perfect sand dollar that me and bridget found on the driftwood beach, a green leaf that had curled yellow and dry, and a notecard written by rebecca that said:

write a lot
critic off
show and tell

things i learned/re-discovered about myself while at hedgebrook: 1) i'm addicted to running -- give me a stretch of open field and i can run alllllll day (so i am brown and buff as hell right now!) 2) i love reading -- now this may seem to be an obvious/necessary requisite for a writer -- but i mean, i love reading MORE than what i can squeeze into a subway ride or before i conk out at the end of the night.  3) i love the sun.  there was not one sunny day that i could manage to stay in my cottage -- had to enjoy the earth in all its flossy glory.  4) permission to my own voice, my own feelings, my own words and authority within ebbs and flows -- there are powerful blocks to these from old wounds, from new ones, from voices that i replicate within myself, fears that i have, corners i try to defend from treading -- community and the act of writing itself and the meditative confrontation of really listening deeply to what's going on inside you -- lead to the only way out into the light -- 5) i can write all kiiiiiiiinds of thangs :)

one of the major convo's we had during my last two weeks there was this constant question that we all ask ourselves, "is this relevant?" -- and i would say for me the even more currently resonant question has been "am i legitimate?" -- one of the beauties of my last few days there occurred when i meditated on the word "author" which comes from the same root as "authority." 

gleaned from the old dictionary in the hedgebrook farmhouse living room where we spent our sunday nights pouring out our words to each other --

--> from aug(ere) to increase, augment

author: to originate, create a design for
            the person who writes a novel, poem, essay, etc. as distinguished from a compiler, editor,
                  translator, or copyist
            the literary production or productions of a writer
            the maker of anything, creator, originator

authority: right to respect or acceptance of one's word, command, thought, etc., a
                  commanding  influence
               mastery in execution or performance as of a work of art or literature or a piece of music
               a warrant for action, justification
               testimony, witness

women authoring change, indeed.

so much love to the whole staff (amy, vito, kathy, denise, cheryl, and anne!) -- and then zipped off to poetry night up in bellingham which was fantastic, a good close-knit community of folks who are committed to the power and the intimacy that can be created by the WORD.  much love to bob, robert, melissa, jessica -- the whole crew and of course THE little guy and gizmo!  ahhhh...back to brooklyn for the next couple of days, gettin' the house in order and such before i take off for minneapolis for eq at the loft with the poem-cees and hosted by the lovely and talented bao phi!

doin' the damn thing and liking it :)

blessings 'til next week,
kells 
           

what's up woooooorld :)  last week of me playing tricks on you -- and hopefully, i will want to come back to civilization after a few weeks of total unplug, but who knows? -- y'know, who freakin' knows? -- as i was reading in the magazine that i stole from gloria steinem's mailbox -- there was an article that said the average 18 year old spends 8.5 hours on social media per day.  which i would say, "hmmmm, sounds about right."  so of course, the article went on this whole doom and gloom thing about how messed up this generation of young people would be (it sometimes seems like every generation has to freak out and hate on the one after it -- DON'T STAND TOO CLOSE TO THE MICROWAVE kind of stuff) --
..
but the more interesting part of the article was the fact that they were saying that brains create different pathways depending on what kind of activity you're doing -- so different choices of what you do with your time ACTUALLY SHAPE YOUR BRAIN - ner-nu, ner-nu (that was an attempt at "the twilight zone" music) -- now that's pretty freaky -- like what shape is a psp 3000 brain as opposed to a work in the fields all day brain?  what shape is a read foucault all day brain versus a jerry springer only please kind of brain?  i guess that all makes sense -- but something about that seems super-weird to me.  thankfully gave up tv on the first of this year, and have been miraculously doing well with that after a life-long addiction to television -- that is giving up tv unless 1) i'm out of town on a gig in a hotel room 2) someone else turns on the tv 3) i'm at the laundromat.  y'know baby steps.

yeah, so all that about brain shape, and the fact that your brain keeps growing until you're in your mid-20's (ahhhh...that explains why all those people i dated in my early 20's were so damn crazy -- including myself -- brains not fully formed yet, ha!) -- but i guess all of this begs the question of what will this generation of social media brats (i'd include myself to some degree in this, since i'm on my pda probably 99.9% of the time when not in a wooded writer's retreat) be capable of BRAIN-WISE that no generation before has.  a more global world, a more flexible world, a more connected and communicative world.  a shorter attention-span world, a faster world, a more impatient, multi-tasking world, a more accomplished world.  a more short-handed/intuited world.  a more frustrated and demanding world.  a more resourceful world.  who knows what the sum total outcome of all of this will be, but it will be interesting interesting interesting stuff...

all of which, even though sometimes i myself pooh-pooh the need to unplug from society in order to focus (sometimes grumbling to myself, "i don't need to be fed and coddled like a caged veal in order to write" before rushing the bottomless cookie jar in the hedgebrook kitchen).  but i will admit that i am *gasp* less angry right now.  what?!  less angry?!  i guess not having so many people in your face gives you less to feel a lot of things about positive or negative.  but this other article i read a while back was talking about silence as a natural resource -- i would even say that solitude is a natural (well, not so natural for some folks) resource.  space, darkness of sky -- all of these things that are positive, nurturing, regenerative -- and will stop a sista from throwing a chair across a room.  y'know, healing things...

this same journal filched from gloria steinem's mailbox talked about how kids today suffer play-deprivation.  which sounds a little bit nuts...but some kids are so over-stressed these days that they don't have unstructured play time outdoors anymore -- recesses at schools have been cut down -- cramming for standardized tests has gone up.  kids in urban environments don't have as much access to nature and that has an effect.

so in the spirit of solitude, silence, dark skies, and play -- i sign off, poeting away --

blessings and take care,
kells off the grid for one more week, whew!

what uuuuup world :)  here at my second week of my writing residency -- and through the wonders of technology -- i am tricking you -- right now!  it's true.  this week's blog and next week's were actually written last week -- because dude, i'm trying to unplug from the matrix for real, for real -- i gots writing to do :)  so in my first week around the farmhouse table (that's the place where we have our communal dinners every night) -- i was super super-blessed to be in amazing company.  like i couldn't have ordered up a better roster of sister writers to share the table with --
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legendary, potent, compassionate, driven, meticulous, feeling, exemplery at their craft -- all of these women (for their secret identites revealed, just click on the links, ha!): political poet carolyn from maryland, political playwright ellen from new york, political performance novelist sharon from texas, journalist turned memoirist jocelyn from hawai'i, plucky academic and memoirist joanna from california.  -- i missed gloria steinem by a day, rats!  i totally grew up reading ms. magazine -- it's true (early indoctrination from my sister).  but got to read one of her magazines that she left behind -- hey, it ain't everyday that you're stealing from gloria steinem's mailbox, ha! 

it's been such an honor, pleasure, birthing, and growing time to share the table with these phenomenal women -- and to be the young buck in the circle (for once, ha!) -- reminding me of the singularity and particularity of my voice, my position in the world at this moment in history -- that there is so much farther that i can and will go as an artist, an activist, a writer, a performer, a human being, and a woman.  so thank you to these sisters, for showing me so many luscious ways into the future!

what i've learned is that self-doubt doesn't go away. procrastination doesn't go away. fear of making the right choices artistically, politically, personally doesn't go away. the million different ways that we can avoid, distract ourselves, put other people's needs in front of ours -- these don't go away.  but they don't preclude a healthy, transformative, gorgeous, bountiful writing life.  think the play sucks?  that's great.  continue to write it.  would rather email everybody and their mama than finish the poetry manuscript?  that's great.  continue to write it.  don't think you can do it?  that you're a failure?  that this time you've gotten it all wrong?  that's fantastic. 

just keep going on.  pen to the page.  letter after letter, word after word.  and before you know it, you may have a pretty dope career, changed the world, and you might still think that you suck.  that's alright then, just keep coming to the work.  let its ties to you be unfailing.  let it be as imperfect and wondrous as you are.  let it live as all creations need to -- on its own :)


(me on the ferry boat to whidbey, post-clam chowder, pre-me missing the shuttle OFF the ferry, so they had to pull off the road and wait for every car to disembark before i hauled ass to catch 'em)

the other night, we got to talking about greek mythology (i have a soft spot for greek mythology due to a fourth grade summer school class where we learned about all the gods and goddesses and the teacher fed us pita bread with feta cheese and honey.  so y'know unforgettable. i've always loved the drama of the celestial greek world -- that you can be a god or goddess but trifling at the same time as ravaged by the stakes of love or jealousy or revenge -- and i remember a very distinct argument at that time with a classmate about polytheism, which always made more sense to me, which i think ended with her saying that i was going to go to hell -- y'know isn't that always the way, ai!) --

so we wuz talkin' 'bout the legends of athena and artemis (both born of their father's skulls, not their mother's wombs), persephone's abduction into the underworld -- and of cassandra who was cursed by apollo (b/c she wasn't feelin' him) to always know the future and to be right, but to never be believed by anyone. 

carolyn was saying to me today that she's been teaching university students for the last 35 years, and that she likes this generation of young people in their 20's and early 30's.  she was saying how she knows that we have it so much harder now -- that life is more competitive, more expensive, less stable, that we have less freedom and less pay, but that the beauty of our generation is that we have an idealism with a hard kind of practicality -- she said, "my generation, we just protested and got dragged away...but this generation..." and i was really feelin' that b/c a poem that i've been working on for a while is one that talks about how this generation is molded both by the legacy of the triumphs and failures of 60's activism combined with the materialism of the 80's -- creating this new hybrid of action and movement.  

that and i was really excited by the feedback and encouragement that i got from everyone when we did a mini-reading session on sunday -- "muscular diction" carolyn said, and that there was a flexibility to my rhyme scheme and strength not only in message but how the poem was created itself..."a very smooth performer" ellen remarked in that inscrutable way of hers -- much love to all sharon, jocelyn, joanna, for all the wise wise words of wisdom in the work.

so here's to cassandra's daughters - that with each generation we grow even stronger, wiser, more versatile, and loving for the next!

blessings,
write-able kells