I'm not exactly sure if I should be angry or not, but I think I've just settled on miffed and exasperated. (hehe, miffed is a funny word.) So, stupidly I started talking to Chris again, because I give people too many chances sometimes. He's been moody and strange lately, so I haven't been putting all that much effort into it. Well, today we're having a conversation about stuff, and he asks me if I know of any online places to meet people. I just replied no, not really; I tend to just pick up people by accident when I do, and usually from MUDs and stuff. So he's like … listing the people he knows, but doesn't include me. Which is fine; I really don't care if he doesn't mention me because I pretty much assume it's understood despite problems we've had. I do the same, listing just the people I talk to online. It's not that many, really, and I didn't mention him either. So he makes a snarky comment about me not mentioning him, at which point, I'm just … wtf? So that gets settled and then we keep talking. The conversation goes something like this (bold and italics added):

[09:00] Chris: This may sound especially callous, but half the reason I've been trying to reform my life is that I don't want to obtain your mindset.  Of course I hope you feel better too.

[09:00] Chris: Now I just need to find reliable friends.

[09:00] IxRaissaxI: You don't want to obtain my mindset?

[09:00] Chris: I don't want to be constantly depressed, no.

[09:00] IxRaissaxI: ...Wow.

[09:01] Chris: That wasn't meant to be any kind of insulting at all.

[09:01] IxRaissaxI: Actually, I'm not. I've come a long way lately, and while I've been down a good bit, I'm accepting that the way I am isn't my fault - that I'm trying and people who actually care won't hold it against me.

[09:01] Chris: I'm glad.

[09:01] IxRaissaxI: That wasn't meant to be insulting? Jesus christ, Chris.

[09:02] IxRaissaxI: Fine. Then don't risk it. Don't talk to me, and we'll BOTH be happier.

[09:02] Chris: That's why I made clear to point out that I hope you feel better.  And we don't talk so I didn't know that you were making progress, but I'm really glad to hear it.

(Raissa blocks him)

Seriously. I may not be the happiest person in the world, and I may be moody sometimes, but I'm not constantly depressed anymore. I might sound delusional, but seriously. I'm not the happiest about how my life is going, but I'm starting to accept that it's not going to stay this way. Requisite Johnny quotes:

"Dear Die-ary, the passions that drive us should be the ones we respect and admire. To feel contempt for one's own motivations is a vulgar thing. Too often, it seems, I've succumbed to less-than admirable compulsions, driven by this furiously reprehensible machine of mine. So many things inside that I can do without - desires and urges and what not. So extraneous."

I'm learning to accept myself the way I am. Yeah, there are some changes I'd do well to make, but making too many would change who I am completely. And I kinda like having a different outlook on the world. It's not a bad one. It can lend itself to loneliness, because to see things differently isolates you. But wanting to see the world like everyone else does only uses flawed reasoning. We're unique for a reason, and it's about damn time I accept that. So I suppose I should be thanking him – except not, because his ego's big enough and he really offended me.

"Dear Die-ary, there's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt. I can't say I'm very pleased with where my life is just now... but I can't help but look forward to where it's going."

And on that note, my next new goal: to write a journal every day by at least listing a 'word of the day (or words if I feel the urge).' I'll be stealing it from dictionary.com unless I think it's too simplistic.

-----Raissa's Words of the Day for 3 April 2007-----

Profligate: openly and shamelessly immoral; excessively wasteful. Also, a person who is these things.

Cogitate: to think deeply or ponder.

Animadversion: harsh criticism or disapproval; remarks by way of criticism and usually of censure.

My word addiction never ceases to astound me. And on that note, I'm off to finish up a few things before work. I have an 'appointment' tonight for some awesome rp so I want everything to be done beforehand.

I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just start and see what happens. Sometimes I get tired of giving up on people. Truly, I do. So every once in a while, I do my best to give them another chance. Another two chances. Three. And when they blow those, I just don't know what to do. So that's the precursory information, and here's the deal.

There's this person I've been trying to be friends with. Well, that's not even the case, really. There's this person that … there is something like a friendship that has been attempted. However, this person has a bad habit of cancelling plans constantly. Now, call me ridiculous if you must, but I really expect people to follow through on what they say. This is a big thing with me. I understand that things come up, truly, but when it's every single time, I stop forgiving. I can't help it; I've tried. It's like lateness. I allow people like … a half an hour window and then I give up. And no matter what I try to do, I can't help but get upset when people fail me in that. So. Expecting me to just be fine with constantly being cancelled on regardless of the reason is not going to work. The way I tried to explain it at one point went kinda like this – I know it in my head that things happen. But when they happen over and over and over I can't just deal with it. Trying to explain to me that things come up multiple times is like trying to explain trigonometry to a two-year-old (and not some kind of genius one. Just an average one. Or maybe even a behind-development one.) There are other things I'm like that about, too, and I hate it. But as far as I've come, as much as I've managed to change, as hard as I've worked, that's something I haven't been able to get past.

Like words. Apologies, excuses, explanations, a bee buzzing in my ear – it's all the same. I can't accept words without actions. So instead of saying you're sorry, prove it. Follow through. It's not that much to ask, in my oh-so-humble opinion. There are just some things I cannot comprehend. Constant excuses just happen to be one of them. Another is when someone tells me that in saying they'll do something, they mean that they'll try to do something, and I'm being ridiculous for getting upset. Um, hello? If you say you'll do something, then do it. If you know there's a chance it might work out, say try. Don't say I will do this at this time and then flake out. Because that hurts more than never making plans for anything in the first place.

This is seriously sounding like a full-on lecture, but I don't even know anymore. It's like the more I try to let people in, the more I try to stop feeling lonely by fucking fixing it, the lonelier I get because of how people are.

…I didn't want to think I was that hard to handle, but apparently I am. I've tried to tell people before, at the beginnings of friendships or whatever, that I am not like most people and I don't react like most people. I just don't. They generally don't believe me until the first time they do something that sets me off in some way. Those who care learn and fix it. Those who don't… I can tell. Even if I'm wrong, and they are sincere, it doesn't change how I feel.

Last night, he kept telling me to calm down and stop overreacting. I was perfectly calm – for me – and I wasn't overreacting any more than I ever do. For once, I don't regret cutting someone off the day after. People have told me, when I mentioned how often plans got cancelled and never rearranged, to stop bothering. I didn't, because I was being stubborn. And it only got me more hurt. I don't like it when people tell me what to do or what I need to do or anything like that. It makes me feel like a child. I know how I feel more than you could. That's just a fact. I may make snap judgments sometimes that are wrong, but that doesn't mean I am always wrong, nor that I am wrong about what I feel. I can't react to things how others do. I accept their reactions, even though I don't understand them like … at all. But I accept them, in hopes that they'll accept mine. It's as if I try to tell them that look, this is how I'm reacting because of this reason. Please understand that, instead of trying to tell me to change. It doesn't work though. There are some things I've managed to get past; there are some things I am still working on/through. It's not that I'm pointlessly pessimistic; I've had reason to be. I just can't manage to get it across that everyone has hurt me. I know that everyone hurts everyone in some way, shape or form, but I've been devastated more times than I can count. And it's hard. It really is. I am pessimistic for a reason – so that's more realistic than anything else, isn't it? The last several people who have tried to befriend me turned out to just not be up to handling me. And really, it's what I expect. As Leslie's told me, it takes a special kind of person to be my friend. I do require learning. I need to make an instruction manual, complete with an index of possibilities. Not that it would matter, really. Who would make the effort?

These kinds of things make me feel that much lonelier… the more I realize that other people see things so much differently and that it takes effort to see where I'm coming from, the more alone I feel. But I can't understand things any other way. I've tried. I really have…

I need to start eating better, and I need to start keeping up with my homework. I've been so bad about it because I've been so stressed about reality, and it's just pointless. I'll deal with school, and to hell with everything else. Eh, that's enough for now.

This is probably going to be an extremely emo post. I don't care all that much.

I came to the realization today that I'm just really tired of all of this. I'm so tired of being lonely all the time, and so tired of having effort be for nothing. It's like … I'm happier when I don't try at all. Not happy, no. But happier, if that counts for anything. I've been so depressed these days, and so unmotivated because I've been depressed. Hasn't helped that I've been sick and haven't been eating too well either. It's hard when I realize that and can't change it. Or won't. Whatever. I started crying earlier and couldn't stop; every small hint that I would be stuck like this forever was enough to send me into a fresh fit of tears. Embarrassing, since I barely ever cry, let alone admit to it, but eh. I just don't care right now. I shouldn't have, but it wasn't much so I don't feel bad … Er, yeah. I had a teensy bit of alcohol and it helped me relax a bit. I have to be careful; I know how I am about addictions and I'm feeling so much better with just that in my system – the medication I'm on makes it so the smallest bit of alcohol affects me. But man. I guess that's why people do it. I guess that's why I would do it again. I just wanted it to stop hurting… is it any more damaging than cutting, or throwing up? Why is it that I only seem to trade one addiction for another? I just can't bear things the way they are without something to relax me and I guess what works for 'normal' people doesn't really work for me. Maybe I just don't let it. I don't know. This isn't helping.

I got into a fight with a friend last night. Not that it was really anything new. I'm finding more and more that people just can't deal with me, and that kinda hurts. Eh, fuck that, it really hurts. I know I can be pretty damn difficult to handle, and I accept that. But I'm realizing more and more that I'm mostly only handled by people who are similar to me – and that's not really a good thing because eventually they just piss me off.

So yeah, enough with the vague crap, I guess. My family's never really been the emotional type, and I'm not much better. I have like two gears – depressed or angry – and everything else is just weird, or fake, or feels fake. When I care about someone, I show it through actions instead of saying it. That whole "actions speak louder than words" thing, right?

What's kind of funny is that I put so much value into words. I love words. They're fun. They express things. But without meaning behind them, they're nothing. They're empty. And too often, they are empty. Which is why I prefer being the way I am for the most part.

I'm just bad with people. I don't know. I'm not making sense so I'm going to shut up now.

So.

 Let's detail what's going on in the most rational way possible.

 Car.

Girl gets car.

Car gives problems leaking power steering fluid but it isn't hard to steer.

Girl gets upset. Engine light comes on Monday night.

Car goes in shop Tuesday to get power steering pump replaced.

Car gets out of shop Tuesday after being told that the estimate was $182. but the bill is 'already' at $220. and might go up. Girl gets upset. They only charge her $182. Girl picks up car, notes new 'whining' noise. Ignores it.

Girl doesn't drive car Wednesday because she has a bad feeling.

Girl drives car to work Thursday. Engine light goes off before work. Girl starts driving home after work, turns the wheel a little harder than usual.

Power steering goes out in the MIDDLE OF A CURVE. Battery light comes on. Car starts overheating. Car starts making 'knocking' noise. Girl panics. Calls her mommy. Barely manages to turn the car onto a side road, and sits there shaking.

Mom calls friends. Friends say it's probably a belt that was misaligned during the repair. Belt breaks, water pump goes out, everything goes to hell. Friends pick girl up, take her home, tow truck is called, and girl is left in a very, very bad mood.

So yeah. Mom's going to be calling them in the morning because honestly, I just don't trust myself enough to talk to them calmly. As though I haven't had enough on my mind, I now have this. I should be working on an essay but I just can't bring myself to care. So that's not getting done.

I don't even feel like writing.

So it's been ages since I've bothered to update this, and I don't even know what to say. New semester, new shit happening, but then… the same old bullshit that laces every day of my life. Eh, that's pessimistic, and I don't want to be pessimistic. Things are actually going decently. Not well, but decently. I have plenty to do (more than I ever wanted to have to do with myself, trust me) and I'm not quite as lonely as I used to be. Still, so much has happened and some of it just weighs so heavily on me. I've realized that I just have really bad luck where people are concerned. And I'm just too damned impatient to give people chances. But my classes are great, if keeping me extremely busy, and I have plenty to do with Subterranea. Man, is that a task and a half. Subterranea is a role play intensive MUD that's in development, and I'm one of the builders/staff. I keep taking on more responsibilities and things to do, which may seem a bit ridiculous with all the things I already have to do, but it keeps me entertained. I'm also editing Wade's first novel, "In Shadows They Slumber," which is great practice for the future. I'm starting to get confidence in my writing again, which is fun. I don't really feel like updating this, but I thought I'd give a half-hearted effort. So… yeah. That's that.