Life is really not fair sometimes...

So my family has had the most difficult year of our lives, the loss of my brother is the hardest thing we have all had to deal with. In fact, we are not done dealing with it. Noone in my family can say that we are okay and coping and dealing well, none of us!!!!

You know how life responds to that?

My grandmother passed away this morning. 4 1/2 months after my brother passed. WHY?!?!

My grandmother and I were never extremely close, but I still loved her and cared for her and am going to miss her! The last 2 or 3 years she has been in a nursing home with undiagnosed dimensia if that makes sense. Anytime that I have visited her in the past few years it took her some time to remember who I was after I told her which daughter I belonged to and what not... but it's still not fair that this happened now.

The hardest part about the next few days are
(a) her viewing is in the same funeral home that my brother's was in
(b) going through any funeral this close to my brother's sucks
(c) she is going to be buried next to my brother

I can't do this again this soon. It's not fair. I feel bad for not being more sad about my grandmother passing, but my heart is still too heavy from my brother's death to even think about grieving over another family member.

2006, a year I will never ever ever be able to forget.

 

Why are most of my blogs sad and downers? I'll work on making some funnier ones when I get back from Bmore...

Not gonna lie, this summer was amazing. You can't beat working at a restaurant right on the water and having crazy fun times just about every night. You can't beat living at the beach in general... this summer was great.

I am so happy that the summer is over though! Seriously, I'm exhausted. All the college kids (COLLEGE!! - yeah B-more friends!) went back to college which left me and like 2 other people pretty much to run the restaurant. I worked doubles just about every day for 3 weeks, the money was great but finally being able to sleep after it was over was greater.

Now that the summer season is over and business has slowed down and I have time to breath and finally hang out with some friends I have neglected all summer down here (I'm sorry!), I have realized that I miss my Baltimore friends more than anything. I can't wait to go up to Bmore and see my BFF's!!!

Jenny, Laura, Meghan, and Bailey - I miss you guys soooo much. Seriously, I know that I suck at phone calls (making them and returning them), but don't think that I don't think of you all often and miss seeing you every day!

I have needed you guys down here to keep me in line! You all are my rock, you know when to smack me upside my head when I mess up, hug me when I am sad and won't admit it, laugh uncontrolably with me at nothing, or talk to me while I'm trying to watch my favorite shows! (Hahaha!!) I miss you guys and love you tons. Sept. 29th I'm driving up to Bmore and I can't wait to see you all!!!! Just seeing and hanging out with you guys will be the greatest birthday present! LOVES!

No worries to my Carolina friends, I love you all too. I don't think you all will ever make it above my Bmore BFF's in my top 8 friends list though, sorry! ;-)

The more time that passes since my brother's passing, the more my heart breaks and the harder it is to deal with the fact that he is gone. I miss him so much. I miss his love for music, his real laugh, his pity laugh (I heard that a lot), how much he cared about matching and looking good, how excited he would get when he got to share with me a new beat he created, his crazy driving (I learned from the best), how much he cared about his family and friends, his random "I love you's" because he didn't know what the near future held for him, and everything else about him that made him so amazing and unique.

Broken hearts suck. I am so glad that I have never allowed a guy to break my heart. It physically hurts. When will it start to heal?

I hate for this to be such a downer blog, but I just tortured myself and listened to the Fugees version of No Woman, No Cry. Not only are the Fugees one of Michael's favorite groups, but it was also the song that we played at his funeral during the families last goodbyes to him. The song brings about tears of sadness, but tears of happiness at the same time. The words are so close to what Michael would tell my family right now. "Everything's gonna be alright. Hey little sister, don't shed no tear, no woman no cry."

Tears are good, puffy eyes and headaches in the morning however, are not...

In a matter of 2 1/2 weeks, my brother passed away, I graduated from college, and I moved away from the only place I have ever called home (Baltimore). Wooooah. Thinking about how much change has happened in my life in the last 2 months kind of freaks me out. If you know me, you know I don't like change at all. Why did I decide to move to NC you may ask? I need my family, that's the biggest reason.

So life changing event number 1... Michael (my bro) passed away on May 7th, 2006. I had the gift of holding his hand as he passed away. I can't write too much about this because my heart is still broken and hurting without him here, but he was the man. I miss him more than words can express. I know he is in a better place (Heaven), and I am 100% sure of that, but I still want him here with me instead. It is the suckiest feeling ever to lose such a close family member.

Life changing event #2... I graduated from college! IT'S ABOUT TIME!!! It took me five years010..but I finally got my BS degree (Bachelors of Science, not bull hockey like you all may think) in Family Studies! Now that I have graduated, bring on the student loans! BOOO... If I went to college to be doctor, or lawyer, or any job that would actually bring me some sort of financial profit, I would be okay with college loans. BUT since any job I choose in my field of study, or any job that I want to pursue will not profit me that well at all, than I am not okay with paying college loans. I am going into the human services industry and want to work with critically and terminally ill children, I should be college loan exempt!

Life changing event #3... I moved from the only home I have ever know, Baltimore. I miss Baltimore. I miss the city, the suburbs of it, my section 8/college neighborhood... I take that back. I don't miss my old neighborhood at all. I definitely don't miss the police helicopters shining their spotlights through the backyard of my apartment searching for criminals, or little girls throwing rocks at my car, or parents being irresponsible and letting their children do whatever they want which apparently is running in front of moving vehicles, and I definitely don't miss the 16 3-year-olds and 500 pound mother that lived above me.  Well maybe it was just 2 small children and a normal sized mom, but at 3 in the morning when they are chasing each other around not caring that they just knocked the glasses off my chandelire (spelling?), they sound a lot heavier than they really are.

I do miss my homies back home though. I miss being able to call up anyone and making something happen, or joining someone else's happening. I miss being physically close to the people I am emotionally close to. Being down here in NC is great, don't get me wrong, but I don't have any close buds yet. I am sure/hope it will come in time, but for right now, I am kind of lonely. I am too busy to travel too far, too tired to stay out too late (not that that really stops me), so basically,  I miss my homies and need to hang out with them STAT!

So I have to work tomorrow, I guess I should go to bed. I'm working for my moms company which means I get paid a lot of money to not really do much.... I do love my life.

ps - boys are annoying and hard to read and deal with most of the time... I thought girls were supposed to be the hard ones to read

pps - sean's a toolbox

ppps - my brother's cat is annoying the crap out of my right now because I am not giving him enough attention

pppps - he's the coolest cat ever

ppppps - have I mentioned that sean's a toolbox?

Many of you probably know by now that my brother Michael has cancer and the prognosis is not good. I have to say though that he is the man. He has had the best attitude towards this whole thing. He worries so much about how the rest of us are dealing with it that he forgets that he needs to worry about himself sometimes too! He tells me on a very regular basis how much he is looking forward to me moving down in May which I can't wait for either! He is living with my parents in NC because he can't live on his own anymore. Living with the rents is fine and all when you can drive and go out every now and then, but since he can't drive because of the chance of him having a seizure he is stuck in the house or out of the house doing whatever they are doing. Going down every weekend has been really great cause I get to see him and my family! I work while I am in NC too which offsets the amount of money I spend on gas a week, but knowing that I am only 15 minutes from him if anything happens is very comforting. I talked to him this morning and he didn't sound too good. He hasn't been feeling well the last few days as he just finished up his chemo pill on Friday. I hope is feeling better by the time that I get down there tomorrow night! I don't have to work until Friday night which means he better be ready to hang out. My brother is seriously awesome though. I couldn't have asked for a better big brother to look out for me, worry about me, give me a hard time, and make fun of me as well. I'm going to miss him so much whenever God decides to take him home. If you have had the gift of meeting him at any point, you know how cool he is. Oh yeah, he's a rapper too. He's been an Uh-oh Oreo his whole life and proud of it. I only listen to hip-hop and old school soul music because of him! Okay, I gotta get back to work now. I just had to write a little bit about my bro. He's pretty great.

I almost forgot to do this!

Okay, so I'm in a game of Tag with a few friends. I was tagged, which means I have to share 6 random things about myself, and then I tag 6 other people, who have to do the same thing. Weird, but when you're bored, anything is entertaining...

1. In my AIM profile I have a YOLO tally going... it is a tally of how many guys I have ever kissed. Before June of 2005, the tally was at 2. As of Sunday night the tally is now 10.

2.  I am highly attracted to men with shaved heads and even men that are bald. Not all, but there a few out there with balding heads that just really works for them!

3. I never wanted to go to college in the first place. I think that's why I don't really care too much and don't put everything into it. For instance, I have been here in the library for about 2 hours and I have done nothing but play on the computer instead of writing my paper. I don't take college seriously, but I know that I need it for anything having to do with a career. When I move to Carolina, I am not going to be looking for a career immediately,  but am willing to work two jobs to get by just so I can move.

4. I am extremely anal. My clothes have to be folded just right, bed made just right, bathroom has to be clean and orderly (toiletries are NOT all over the place, as opposed to what my roommate does)... I am a very clean person and like my stuff to be clean and straight. If I am not around for awhile in my APT it isn't vacuumed. Before I left for the summer last year, we had a massive clean sweep of the APT and I scrubbed the kitcken floor, vacuumed everything, dusted, straightened, and made the place look good. When I got back in September, my roommates admitted never cleaning over the summer since I wasn't there. They also fessed up to having people jump on my bed and trying to fit as many people on it because they know how anal I am about how it looks. They took pictures with 8 people standing on my bed... I admit though, that's funny.

5.  My brother and I went through a stem cell transplant that ended up probably adding about a year and a half or so more to his life!

6.  While my hair is naturally a lighter brown, I haven't been a real blonde since Junior year of high school I believe. I was a light brunette from Junior year until Freshman year of college and now I'm back to the blonde that has more fun! ;-) Hahaha...

So now it is time to tag people... Christina, Amy, Kyle, Billy, Carter, Gerding (had to torture you somehow)

Even though my team lost...

I STILL LOVE DUKE!!!

JJ Redick and I are getting married... that solves any relationship stressor.

So I am sitting here in the library on campus and trying to figure out 100 ways to avoid writing my paper... why not do my first blog?

I don't really know these blog things so bare with me.

To make a long story short... my brother can't live on his own anymore health wise so he has moved in with my parents in North Carolina. With him living down there, I will be down there just about every weekend now. And you all thought you didn't see me before! Since I am moving to NC once I graduate, and I will be there 4 out of 7 days of the week now, I have limited time to hang out with my Baltimore homies. This makes me sad.

My love for Carolina and my desire to live there has nothing to do with my Baltimore friends. I love my roommates and my close friends sooo much and am going to miss them sooo much! This is just what I have to do.

It's really hard living somewhere and knowing that your heart is somewhere completely different.