I dont belive in love anymore. I discovered this recently.

I dont see how there could be anyone out there who is currently accepting of the things ive done with my life and completely willing and able to move past it.
Judgement free and trustworthy

I dont belive - even if i do find someone like this - that i will even believe them. When ive been lied to over and over and over again since Freshmen year.
Girls without daddys to tell them no seem to date at a very young age
But thats just an observation.

All you need is love? The Beatles were on drugs. Literally. And thank God for that.

I really don't see anything i can trust in anymore. ON my 12th birthday i didnt get accepted to Hogwarts, when i was 16 a long lost rich grandmother didnt swoop me up and tell me i was the princess of genovia, and i dont believe that love can hold up to my standards either.

You can say that my heart has been broken one too many times, i like to call it, slightly bent but extremely guarded.

I am now very very doubting of true intentions. Which sucks, i know youre trying. Really. You have to understand though where im coming from and what i've been through

I've had boyfriends, much older than i, who were abusive. In public and behind doors. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.
I've had boys that i've let live with and my best friend, who in return, decided to steal all my stuff and break up with me via text message.
I've had boys that i dated for about a year, supported, and even bought them rock band because they were having a bad day. And instead of saying a simple thank you they thought it was more appropriate to cheat on me with a girl who i believe somewhat resembles carrotop
I've had boys that i completely put my life on hold for. That turned around and told me i wasnt good enough and will never be good enough to even be considered as anything but... one of the guys.

Yes, i can agree im a bit clumsy. But i dont fall the hard or that fast. All or even most of these guys have good hearts. I honestly believe that. However, i just believe that love isnt on my side.
It never has been and it never will be.

Anyways, where im trying to go with this is, i find it interesting that as soon as i move back from Fresno, i get messages/texts/calls
"Soooo you want to hang out sometime?"
"I know this really nice place downtown..."
"I have Bacardi!" --- this almost gets me everytime

and the oh so pleasent
"I want to get to know you"

Please. Im sorry. I dont want to be known as heartless, or a bitch, or whatever we're calling it these days.
Please, just stop. You're all pretty neat. But i've simply just stopped believing in it all.
The fireworks, the butterflies, the good intentions.

everything

And until the boy from Wife Swap calls me and tells me im perfect and he likes the color purple

All i want is to be your friend.
Cause you can never have enough of those right?

Edit : Reading this it seems as if im very anti-love
im not at all. I want to love until my heart simply BURSTS
im just not down for the idea of relationships and aware of the fact that i simply cant fall in love
as i see a big difference

and im happy :) very very happy :)

 

I'm not writing this for you, i'm not writing this for me, i'm not writing this to start drama or to stop it either.

I'm just writing.

Why? Because im in absolute desperation for something real. And words, although need to be chosen wisely, are a constant. A constant that i believe will be the only thing to help me.

Sensational news! I ran away!
Now get the fuck over it. I was not expecting for it to cause complete chaos. Really. I like, erm, love attention. But for once in my life of 18 years i was trying to avoid it. DING DONG maybe thats why i didnt tell anyone.

Why?

Why?

Why the fuck does someone pack their life into a messenger bag and move to the middle of no where with nothing but 20 bucks and a smile.
Drugs? Pregnancy? Love? Mental Brekdown? Mental Breakup? Addiction?

Does it really matter....
Nope.

I chose impulse

If you want me to disprove or approve any question(s) you have of my whereabouts or lifestyle i will answer them honestly.
I'm in santa barbara until the 28th of december which means you have two weeks to TP my house, hit my mailbox, spit in my face, and call me names.
Because no matter how many times you make yourself present, this will not be my home, and you are not my friends.

Use this blog to yell at me, love me, or ask rude and upfront questions.
I dont care. Really. It's now or never baby.

Because we all know "well behaved women rarely make histoy"

I think that everyone needs to take a step outside of themselves and examine their lives. Honestly. I'm a very obsevant person. Always have been. And what i have observed is that more and more people are putting out unfair judgements of people who dont deserve it. Does that make sense? Stop it. Seriously. Don't judge and analyze someone you dont know. It's not okay.

Dont give me that jumbo "everyone judges". I don't believe it. You can totally stop it if you want to. See people for their minds not the car the drive, the way they dress, what kind of music they listen to. Because in the end, does that all really matter? Honestly.

I'm not going to diss straight edge. I honestly think it's a great movement and a lot of my friends are a part of it. But lately, i've seen a lot of negativity coming from it. Like okay i understand you dont "poison your body" i understand that you "dont sleep around, you're slut free". I get it. Great. But you know that doesnt make you better than the rest of us. It doesnt make you better than me, my best friend, or the boy who sits next to you in econ that likes to smoke weed occasionally. Reality.

Reality.

At least straight edge kids are passionate about something. You want to wear your xxx shirts and sing to stay gold in your car? Awesome :) really. No sarcasm, i think that's great. It's good positive energy. But if someone else wants to be passionate about bartending, or smoking weed. Fuck. Let them. At least they have passion for something.

In a world run by self-interest and sincere apathy every little ounce of passion and spirit that comes from anything its greatly needed.

Just let people live. You live your life the way you want to. And let people live their lives they way they want to. Just follow the first rule of the universe : do not harm.

DO NOT HARM.

do not harm.

Everything will fall into place. Open your eyes and realize that everyone is fighting their own battles. Everyone has a sad story to tell. Everyone has a spark of interest that they feel they need to fight for. No one gave you the right to take that away or tell them it's wrong.

Yes, you could tear me apart for this. Yes, i understand i am far beyond perfect. Yes, you could probably find a bagillion things in here to argue about. But, is it really worth your time? In a world ending slowly from apathy, consumerism, and obsession with onesself i just needed to rant a bit.

Peace, love, and let live.

I deleted all my old secrets, sad story huh? Not because they're not important anymore… but because I found out I have a lot new ones. You don't have to read this all, but I think you should. Maybe, you'll find some your own secrets in this bunch too.

1. Being outside around twinkle lights makes me feel more alive than anything else
2. I hate my envious tendencies
3. I want to be somebody's tiny dancer
4. I want it to rain the day I get married
5. I still believe peace has a chance
6. My secret passion is taking pictures of bands, not posing, but playing
7. Love is real
8. I love to read more than anything
9. I always want to sit next to some random person and ask them to tell me their life story, I don't want to be a therapist, im generally interested in just listening
10. I wish I could be fluent in every language that man speaks
11. The stage keeps me sane
12. You inspire me, all of you who are reading this
13. Hope is such a fragile thing, Im willing to fight for it
14. I absolutely adore holding hands
15. Friday I finally stood up to the one who always bullied me around and I defeated them, now I am freeeeee! My secret? It took me 4 months to work up the courage to stand up to him
16. I believe that apathy and self-interest will be the death of our nation and it will happen sooner than anyone can imagine
17. I love dancing to swing more than modern music it's got a better beat and better moves
18. Sometimes the dreams that come true, are the dreams you never knew you had
19. I'm afraid of time
20. I don't know how to tell my "brother" that I need him right now, more than ever. We haven't talked in so long. Please just call. 805-679-3609
21. I should probably be doing something more productive like playing guitar or saving the world…. In the meantime…I intend to confess intimate details about my life to complete strangers

If you read this all, I probably love you.