Years ago Michael and I
were having a deep conversation about life in general.
I can't recall the exact
subject matter but he may have been questioning me about the circumstances of
my Fathers Death.
At some point he paused,
he stared at me very intensely and he stated with an almost calm certainty,
"I am afraid that I am going to end up like him, the way he did."
I promptly tried to deter
him from the idea, at which point he just shrugged his shoulders and nodded
almost matter of fact as if to let me know, he knew what he knew and that was
kind of that.
14 years later I am sitting
here watching on the news an ambulance leaves the driveway of his home,
the big gates, the crowds outside the gates, the coverage, the crowds outside
the hospital, the Cause of death and what may have led up to it and the memory
of this conversation hit me, as did the unstoppable tears.
A predicted ending by him,
by loved ones and by me, but what I didn't predict was how much it was going to
hurt when it finally happened.
The person I failed to
help is being transferred right now to the LA County Coroners office
for his Autopsy.
All of my indifference and
detachment that I worked so hard to achieve over the years has just
gone into the bowels of hell and right now I am gutted.
I am going to say now
what I have never said before because I want the truth out there for once.
Our relationship was not
"a sham" as is being reported in the press. It was an
unusual relationship yes, where two unusual people who did not
live or know a "Normal life" found a connection, perhaps with some
suspect timing on his part. Nonetheless, I do believe he loved me as much as he
could love anyone and I loved him very much.
I wanted to "save
him" I wanted to save him from the inevitable which is what has just
happened.
His family and his loved
ones also wanted to save him from this as well but didn't know how and
this was 14 years ago. We all worried that this would be the outcome then.
At that time, In trying to
save him, I almost lost myself.
He was an incredibly
dynamic force and power that was not to be underestimated.
When he used it for
something good, It was the best and when he used it for something bad, It was
really, REALLY bad.
Mediocrity was not a
concept that would even for a second enter Michael Jackson's being or actions.
I became very ill
and emotionally/ spiritually exhausted in my quest to save him
from certain self-destructive behavior and from the awful vampires and
leeches he would always manage to magnetize around him.
I was in over my head
while trying.
I had my children to care
for, I had to make a decision.
The hardest decision I
have ever had to make, which was to walk away and let his fate have him, even
though I desperately loved him and tried to stop or reverse it somehow.
After the Divorce, I spent
a few years obsessing about him and what I could have done different, in
regret.
Then I spent some angry
years at the whole situation.
At some point, I truly
became Indifferent, until now.
As I
sit here overwhelmed with sadness, reflection and confusion at what
was my biggest failure to date, watching on the news almost play by play
The exact Scenario I saw happen on August 16th, 1977 happening again right
now with Michael (A sight I never wanted to see again) just as he
predicted, I am truly, truly gutted.
Any ill experience or
words I have felt towards him in the past has just died inside of me along
with him.
He was an amazing person
and I am lucky to have gotten as close to him as I did and to have had the many
experiences and years that we had together.
I desperately hope that he
can be relieved from his pain, pressure and turmoil now.
He deserves to be free
from all of that and I hope he is in a better place or will be.
I also
hope that anyone else who feels they have failed to help him can be
set free because he hopefully finally is.
The
World is in shock but somehow he knew exactly how his fate would be played
out some day more than anyone else knew, and he was right.
I really needed to say
this right now, thanks for listening.
~LMP