This is the most outrageous thing for i to face with. The most ugliest and disgusting thing for i to actually accept. It might be the most stupidiest thing to outcome. But all this thing has its first-time and i am enduring it. I am still strong. I am still standing. I am still here, still here, stay still, with you, to actually hear you say,
"i love you, i am sorry".

I really dont know what else to do. I am seriously in love. Why do such thing as these really have to come to life? I wish i could unwind the time, that point of time, that very time, to actually knock onto somebody's head, but it is too late. Its too late. Adults told me that i am still young to understanding these things. Told me that i have alot to learn in relationships and still told me that my time will come.
Yet here am i, still here, facing this because this is parcel of life. That put to a test, challenging and really have to endure it. I was under his arm, he hold me so tight, i am frozen, stoned and whispered,
"i miss you so much. why do you have to do it?"

My head leaned against his chest, i heard his heartbeat. It pound so fast it makes me nervous and scared about all these. You held me so tight, tighter this time, your voice coming out, it says,
"i am so sorry. i miss you too. i dont know what was i doing."

Can something like this makes you to hold on?
Can something that is your best and worst damn thing make you give up and run away? I need some understatement here. Some understanding why i am still here. It is not easy.
Because i am trying, trying.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word for i to accept,
despite how many times have i repeated that word for my wrong doings.
I want to close down this space. Myspace is killing me eventually.
I need something new. But that will have to come later.
Go figure when, where and what the new blog is.
I love him people, call me crazy.

THIS IS NEWSFLASH.
THE MEAT GOT GRILLED AND TASTE SIZZLING DELICIOUS.
YOU'VE JUST GOT YOURSELF A CHEF DIPLOMA!

I don't exactly think you know what you're doing. It is more disappointing now and have to say before was not as bad as now. I say something like this has really gone over the top. The slut is cheap, she wouldn't mind giving somebody to taste her. Your whore hid behind the bedroom door and plead to herself "Please please please don't get caught!". Who knows she's facing you in fear of that, poor thing you're in your lalaland. I thought i was wrong but the truth have finally arrived. No wonder my mornings are bad to worst because surprisingly this time, the little one told me about it. I shed a tear after she said she misses me so much because i love her like how her brother do. Monday was yesterday and there was another lie. I don't care how much you can convinced me into a dramatical story because it is fake no matter what. It was in the afternoon when i heard the little's one voice. She is telling me something then. She has told me something shortly after. Little kids isn't stupid. The brain's running and the eyes do see. She knows it was a female. It is a she. I know her name now and how curious was it for me to actually feel the need to find out. It is also a wonder how you can not feel ashame of what you have done and lettin' people see. It's like a robber has robbed a bank and wouldn't admit his doing's. I still wish i can hear the truth from you eventhough i know it is hurtful. You're being so ungrateful on how people treated you. Especially your mother, who has at least find the time to sit down and talk but you'd turned away. And i wish i got a mother like that. It was 1 in the morning and your mother called. Pity on how must i say that i am disappointed to hear how convincing she was by telling me everything's gonna be okay but actually it wasn't. You really don't worth our concern. You don't appreciate how people around you who actually loved you either. I have something to say and this is what mommy taught me: The walls do have ears and eyes (:

THIS IS ONLY OPEN AFTER MIDNIGHT. WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE OUT AND EVERYBODY'S ASLEEP, YOU WENT FOR THE WEE HOURS.
I got 4 bottles tonight to celebrate. It is really time time.
I love you so much but it has to be i.t.e!

Im somewhere outside, just as long its not home.
I miss my boy so much.
Hello Mondazzzzzzze.

I guess i should start of as scratch. Learn the outside and improvise the inside. Like said, life is unpredictable. Unless you're 100% psyhic (:

Life's messy now. Been wasted for the past months. Do the math. Here is boring. I am so 'enjoyin' this. And even outside, who cares. I wish to have this premises to rely on. Its like a hope where you can turn to and never back away. Never. I also realize things that i love does not matter anymore. The people can be included too. Just not. My lass just brought up about birthdays not too long ago. Believe me, i got irritated. I told her. Cause i simply hate birthdays. Had been going on it evensince i was thirteen. Still counting. Buy my words, i am so not looking forward to this year's. Unless if somebody could present me a huge deal, that would be oh-so terrific. Doubtful though. It is a Saturday and i here remainding still at home. Doing this. Boring. I tak like pasal this! I miss alcohol. I miss how many bottles or glasses i can gulp on. Nightlife is fun but it has never been the everyday/week routine. But doing it occasionally is nice and i miss that. For somewhat, i am nearly this close to blowing off my youth. Love highschool friends. I want to be in between fourteen to sixteeeen. Maybe cause i got the life that i roled with. Never even look up for curfews, just do what i want best. Just as long i am happy about it. I miss movies at the wee hours. I wish i got that now. Never worry about home and especially my mother's mouth. The more i grew, the more shrinking my age is. Worst than my elementary years. Count on it. Not joking about it. I may be exaggerating but i sure not makin' that one up! Now that i am wasting life, i am fo'sure wasting time too. Believe me, you dont want to know what i have in mind right now. Shoolaa!

I have a present for you. For long you have been waiting fo'.
Whaaaaat, they are just pictures:

My fonts are stupid. Is bigger than what i thought. Many people disgust me. I believe its not my problem but its just is. All of em' nothings equivalent to something. Anyho, i have had already finished reading 'Goodnight Beautiful' by Dorothy Koomsoon. Great vel. You should get yourself a copy. Omg. I feel so heart-broken right now. Hati aku pecah the sesungguh. I want my boy. That definitely is!

Have you ever done the silliest thing when you love somebody?
Though how inane it may sound like, it is my favourite thing for i to do.

Fuck this shit luh. Serious. Anyho, do you kiss yesterday's goodbyes eventhough you knew it still matters to you? How bad or good it is, would it be easier for you to just let go? Cause it isnt, for me. I have never love somebody so much, so so much until it hurts me till cry. I felt like im sticking around in the bush because i do sneaky, silly and crazy things when im in love. Not only the start of it may sound like it cause i am still doing it. It would be no surprise to even read or know when somebody tells you that person cries alot because em' miss you. I do. I pretty much miss alot of things because i hustle to love. People are also remainding the same or had gone worst, we dont know. Though visualising it may seem too much squeezy somethings. To your thoughts, make me feel like im on drugs and need more alcohol. Like many i live in insomnia, stupid nights so i gluttered some drugs to make me drowsy to sleep. Is like the better way once i have digged into the refrigerator. Despite the medics doesnt do much of a help either. Realizing the world doesnt focus only on one thing but many things evenso when you claimed you wanna think about yourself yet it may never happen. Never. I still remember how i want to live my resolution this year. To be a whole self-centered and selfish kind of person but i have yet to even reach to stage one. Cause maybe i dont need that, people prolly would just disposed all those unnecessary bloody words upon me anyway. Im also startin' to think that my families are so naive in a way. Especially my grandmother. I dont care if you any of my family members read this, you just should. One of you were to cool to live with, to get doted and pampered all you want, she showers you with everything she has because she loves you despite you're a grown women. I am not jealous, no. Just a feel reluctant to see what comes next. Maybe moving out? Trying to be witty, too much, juvenile a little, wish i somehow live in a magic way. I want to throw somebody out of the house despite how much she has help in the house. Call me cruel i dont care because this old women made me. Bloody hell you got yourself on prayers, without missing it everyday but hell so what if your the bad person inside? Does all the women in scarfs seriously a holly person in everything? Like really? What do they know about feelings or love? So okay, somebody in the neighbourhood seriously gets on my nerves. At this hour, why would you bloody tap on something so hard? Damaging it i guess. I had an sixteen years old aunt who lives blindly in this world. Total blindness. And god, her mother. For heaven sake, prolly listen to this uptight grandmother of mine saying i am a bad person. How exclusively enjoyable to hear. Not. My grandmother claimed that i am not fit to hang out with her daughter because aku jahat ( i am bad). Hell what does this old women know about me? And hell, Farhanah, yes you Farhanah. You're what, 16? Your parents are SICK! My grandparents are SICK! And hell, all you can think of are boys? What does this boys potion you with? Money? Gifts? Ohyea, transportation! Like somewhat there was this one FINE day you came over to my place, less than half and hour, you're riding on somebody's bike. Despite your father, my grandfather, sickly searching your ass and you're out having fucking fun and the next thing you claimed you're bloody so happy because you got yourself a new boyfriend. Now that was less than 3 weeks ago, he has NOW become your ex-boyfriend. Fun with the nay. Thanks for not answering my calls the other day when i was searching for you by the way, thinking i would, but no, because your father is terribly sick at home. Anyho, i shut my mobile off! I AM SO FREAKING STRESS! Can? Get to my first story, pardon me. I, Norshazlyn Bte Shaffiee, love my boyfriend so so so so so so much. I would do anything, anything to my possibilities, to make this boy my whole. Cause i dont wanna lose you. Cause i love you so much. If there would be a fairygodmother infront of me, i would want her to grant me with money! Money money money if you know what i mean. So all the problems would be solve. Not only for you and i, but for everything!!!!!!! I wish i was with you the whole time so nothing bad could happen. Just stay with you. Let it be dark or bright, but with you. I cannot stand the tension in this house. I cannot stand the stupid rumours spread about me in the families. I thought i could pack my bag and leave. I thought i could run away. I thought i could eat my heart out but i can dream of all that now. People hear but never listen. Never listen. Now that i had locked myself in the bedroom, that does it. So have i shut this mobile off and i am terribly sorry. I thought that now i turn to think about myself for a little just while. Just a little while. It wont take until next day nor will it take till after midnight. Now that i have vent everything out in here, i wish there is some room for me to spare on. Like breathing. I miss you and i. I want to wake up in the morning with you beside me like how it should be. Not too long ago. That beautiful morning with you. To wake up and you're there to kiss my forehead good mornings! Baby, i love you so much. I know you know that. You're the only thing on earth i wish to mend with. Happy 14th monthsary to you again baby. I want to love you every tomorrow. Hush baby, chin up...I am here.

I am in love. No. I have already loved. And that was you. You know that. Should know that. Have learnt it by now it is true. You're the one thing i wanna be with right now. Eventhough i know you're angst out there. Because i can see you and need not care how you're like. Appreciated every littliest thing you did for me baby. I know i want to love you every tomorrow. Sorry i have turn the mobile down and i know you did too. It wont be too long until you will hear me say I miss you.
It is a wonder how to say, that i am not angry at you right now. Despite what has happened just a few minutes ago. Ive learnt to feel you and i know what it feels to run away from everything like how i want to do now, but not to you. You're still here with me somehow and i love you for that. I am so angry at all the people in the house now. I spit guts and raised my voice up. Like departuring from here, just wish i was with you. I am sorry my baby. I know you love me like how i love you. I just want to be quiet for a little while. I feel so useless whenever people trying to find fault with me and make everything i do like it is the bad way. Sometimes i feel that when i am with you but i had never been angrier much to you like how i am to the family. I think what i do now was mean but i ought to let this feelings takes place just for a little while. Baby i love you. I wish you were here.

...

My period is killing me! Irritates me for over a week now! Yes. I should get over with it but why still?
& god, my bloody computer keeps shutting down. Fuck alot of things. Seriously.
Now just thank me that ive swept the dust away in here. Okay daa bye!

To good or bad, from better or worst, to love you is an invitation for every tomorrow.
I love you hairul.

My feet stinks like mouldy barley, disgusting. Life roled wild in bizaare. The latest goss in town went surreal despite these people still live in many denials. To guess and tried to recall, i lurged out from my computer for already more than seventy-two hours. Thus the busy life ive tried to fit in, probably a thing or two about it was great. Many things i should probably written it all down in here long time ago, leaving me thinking that its not important to bended the words anymore. I got out hunting and applying for jobs and finally i got a call that i was expecting a very long time ago, actually. Leaving me two interviews for the coming week. I literally run for life from my Friday interview with Dirad Pte Ltd. You dont wanna know. Anyho, i got myself a thick novel to mug on over the week and still continuing until it finishes. Dorothy Koomson is my current favourite authur now and i bet i am looking for a new next. I am still on with my bookworm nerd days so who cares. Over more, like a very long time i should expecting this to happen and it finally did, i was away from home for over more than twelve hours just now. It was paid off, everything was. My boyfriend literally drew me a day, beginning with camou and ended in white sheets. I guess i could be the only one who knows what i am saying in here or maybe some of you will. I was at his place early for a afternoon, mommy and aunty were there, preparing their Saturday for mermaid as known as Nayli. Very adorable yet nutty for a little. I barely sulk but to smile and laugh much. Boyfriend was already asleep then when they'all got out, i kept myself busied with the newborn baby named Ryan Haziq with his mother. Boyfriend's nephew sure makes my day. I felt like two years ago doing a newborn diaping session with Ryan. His feets were so tiny like Aley's, his legs literally whacked about left to right, leaving me a little hopeless for just second to handle him. Naughty boy. Ina, this baby's mother, was sweet enough to sert a movie during that rainy afternoon. The movie was great despite i didnt get to finish watching it, well i will. Boyfriend and i got out in the evening around five, had a best dined at Pasta Mania, leaving us with bloated tummay for the rest of our evening together. Wasted on popcorns for movie at Marina Square after that and to spent twenty dollars on a new horror movie was an a-okay to be. I still preferred Shutter. Oh, the movie we watched was called "Coming Soon". Made our way to memo netting laughs and drinks with his friends. They are like jelly fish. To sting on you, sucked your laugh out loud and the net basically got abandon easily. Nyaha. We all parted at about eleven at night, approaching to own's planning. Night was fantastic. Ive longed to say this, mainly because many of our Saturdays got wasted by me or either arguements. Tough crowd but we somehow work it out to make it work. To see life somehow literally got spent with my family at home were bizaare. I see much of myself glueing at home. And whenever i am out, got curfew to reach home early now except for just now. My boyfriend can turned like my mother believe me. Despite he's not the controllable type but he just have to, so i wont get trouble with mother. This is life now, isnt like before. Everything was expected early and to hear late coming can be a little disraught. Intense yet true. Like just now, i remembered the clock only says eleven thirty at night, knowing that it will be midnight in half and hour time, i already got an alarm by my father to watch myself out for the night because mother wont be happy of i, coming home late. Yes, my mother is that controlling. Thus seeing myself at home these days can also made her say i am always out, which apparently that aint true at all. I find time is very tasking. Every minute of it. Just gotta represent whats important and whats not. To be with family and boyfriend is something in need, not that i realised that now, i had been there before and still do. Ceena is pretty much a family so i dont need to name her under friends. Talk about friends, i miss alot of people. Cause, i told my boyfriend earlier that i wanna walk down the streets in heels with my girlfriends despite he wouldnt let me do that with him cause he predicted that i will whine about feet-ache and also, he mentioned that i am already short and he like it that way, wouldnt wanna see me tall or near his height. Nyaha. Anyho, you know who you are, i miss you girls so much. I miss creating theme for our day, paint colors to ourselves, fashion from head to toe and many others. Babe, i wanna ride on trishaw, sing way and shout to streets with you again, making friends with the apek, you know, indulging for some time. Nyaha! You know who you are lor. To look back at our past, we pretty much ignore the clock till five or maybe to six in the morning, and now the present totally zapped us to be home at all times! To only see ourselves spent the day out with only boyfriend are beginning to feel like growing up yet young is at heart, pretending not to know whats out there but our hearts are close to each other even so we are all distance afar. Now like wahh, i sound worst like a twenty-one year old lady! Should scrap this a little out. So the macam bukan aku tapi ini true lor. Blahh! Need to say this also, i am sorry hiatus had been on easily now, i am lazy to turn this gadget on nowadays. Not a full-time blog like before i used to. Believe me, readers like ya'all are not the only ones complaining to me, boyfriend does also. Say this, bummer lor. Nyaha. Now that i am looking forward to the coming week, i felt so sexcited. Okay okay, minus  the 's'. To say that i am desperate to get this slot for a job, i am okay? I am. Fyi, i am like a part-time choreographer under this community centre with my grx. If theres shows, i can call myself lucky because i will earn extra income! Anything about dance is a hobby, i did it for fun, theres no need to win though and i can never live without it. Dont miss me to much and you, get your own style, stop being me. Gosh. Okay Ciaolo!

Mysterious, secret defination, beautiful enclosure, inner thoughts and dream high are written all over your body language.

Not more to a daughter, i think i have turned into a piggyback. Much less a nuisance. Mama literally made me like one because the fact that she isnt being very precise about what she is doing but to just gave love from money. Anyho, i got the money and it is time for me to get something in the mall. Much less a bitch doing but never knows, whats coming after next. Baba was pretty generous to get me quite a few tops and i say they're really beautiful. My boyfriend got me a DKNY perfume and it smelled like green apple like how adorably cute? Talk about him, it is finally Saturday and i cant wait to see him appear at my doorstep! About a week ago, a formed group named Genrea'xion (GRX) that i taught em' to danced, got into the TOP 1O. Pretty extraodinary. I am proud despite it is only  their debut apperance. I think i got my spelling wrong, did i? One of em' killed me though. Photobucket been a bitch. In fact, my whole computer device has been a bitch. No, this didnt cause on why ive been on hiatus. Honestly, i am prettay lazy to tell the world about me now. Find me boring, i'll accept. So i had been jobless for almost 4 months now. I thought i could live a life but this wasnt what i call it would be. Luck isnt on my side either. A much no for that. Spite that ive lost a kilogram which i found it horribly pathetic. So hmm, i have been collecting home videos lately. Especially to have the little one being in it would be much of a appreciation of what i'd cherish, treasured and love so far. I heard mama's opening a shopping day next week! I am about to find out. I should be sleeping now and wake up to sense that boyfriend's coming closer and reaching (:

I am beginning to think that a, b and c are undiscovered so how about obsessed people who still believing in aliens truly exist now?
I have learnt things that arent matter anymore still matters. Things are supposed to be history still stays and corrupt the present. Just like a circle you wanna break but the circle wont break?

...
Home are getting pathetic in spite it literally took my nerves away. Running intense with crying words, disappear to my own wagon may be a better thing, may and be. My mama brought me up but she still doesnt know who i am. Disappointing. Some friends are pretty annoying too. Some went away, quiet the shit out of themselves and the not so reasonably attitude. Better to care them as unknown cause at the end of each day, they're actually taking advantage of things. A total waste. There are also this group of people whom i recently teached. I hope the outcome will turn an A minus, for at least. The competition is drawing near and i am more nervous and overwhelmed by every single thing. I admit, i am worry. Me baba got admitted to the hospital early Thursday. His operation got pened down at 1O in the morning today. I am praying for a success operation. I had dinner with baby at Gelare 2 days ago. The pasta isnt as nice as Pasta Mania. & worst, i only got to be with him for a total of 6O minutes. Okay that is a total blah. Coffee Bean's brownie got me hooked for 2 days in a row. Thank you eh.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Colors really do matter in life cause if it isnt, how do you wake up the next morning in broad daylight?
& as i see, i dont need liposuction to get my lips niggaring. Is there such word? Oh brother!
Lips transplant or liposuction? Whichever or whatever it spells, i know you get what i mean.
Okay, betta outs! My bags are getting heavier each night.
 @.@

365 days.
Baby, wishyouwerehere.
Our 1st year had past, your birthday is up NEXT!
You know i love you, endless.

...and i think i just lost one thing that truly ever mattered to me.