http://xxxchurch.com/blogs/men/menpurityasexuallyc...

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Hi, there! Thank you for taking time to visit my myspace page. Allow me to introduce myself.  My real name is Christina, not Crissy.  “Crissy” was a name that came later and has just sort of stuck.  I am quite often asked how someone like me ended up in the adult film industry.  I made some really bad choices in life and I do take full responsibility for them.  I will not be able to easily escape the reminders of my past because it is something I have no control over.  I know that is not who I am anymore.  I have a new beginning and a chance to help others not to make the same choices.  Remember, it’s not our circumstances that determine who we will be but how we deal with them and it is never too late to change.     

.. ..

I was born and raised in ....Jacksonville.., ..Florida.....  My earliest memories begin when I was around 4 years of age.  Our family of four spent most every Sunday in church.  God was always a topic in our home.  My parents spent a lot of time teaching my brother and I about His love and praying with and over our lives. 

.. ..

My daddy was gentle and loving.  My favorite memories have always been sitting in my daddy’s lap with my head on his chest.  It was a comfort to listen to his voice and heart beat while he rocked me in his chair reading his bible or singing songs.  He would tell me that he was my “Daddy” but God was my “Father.” I fell asleep peacefully many times in his arms that way.

.. ..

My mother always had a song on her heart.  Everywhere she went she was singing!  It seemed to calm her soul and bring her much happiness.  My mom was in the church choir.  When she would be up in front of the church singing she would tell my brother and I that she wanted to see and hear us singing from where she sat.  That was her way of making sure we were paying attention in church when she was unable to sit with us.  After church we would always discuss what we learned during the car ride home.

I was a very timid girl.  I would blush and hide behind my mom every time my pastor would speak to me when we were leaving church.  It just never came natural to me to let people in.  I guess I was just sort of comfortable in my little “family bubble”.  I didn’t have want or need for much else.   I had all the love in the world! 

.. ..

Even though those years were the best memories, it was also during this time I that I was first molested.  I was swimming over at a neighbor’s house.  This family had three little boys who we played with a lot.  The father of the boys began fondling me while he was carrying me around in the swimming.  He took me to the bathroom when I needed to go and continued to touch me.  I was about 5 or 6 years old and I had no idea what was happening but I felt sort of ashamed so I didn’t tell anyone.   

.. ..

My brother was two years younger than me and he was my best friend. We were very close as children. We rode bikes, built forts, climbed trees, and just did everything together. He was very outgoing and always had a ton of friends. I was very shy so making friends was much harder for me!

.. ..

When I was 11 years old, I accepted the Lord as my personal Savior.  I had a pretty in depth understanding of the gospel.  I felt the Spirit move in my heart and despite my shyness I walked forward during an alter call.  I prayed with my pastor as tears of happiness streamed down my face.  I was baptized about a week later.   

.. ..

My number one goal in life was to serve God with every part of it.  It was easy as a child to serve Him.  I didn’t lie, cheat, steal, and made all A’s and B’s in school.  I was an all-around good girl.  With lack of life-experience at such a young age I had no idea what obstacles would lie ahead in my young life.

.. ..

At age 12, things drastically began to change in my world.  Our family moved a few times, new people were hanging out with my daddy, and he stopped going to church with us.  Out of no where it seemed he began drinking alcohol.  The people he was affiliated with made me uncomfortable.  They were all heavy drinkers and would just hang around the house building bonfires, working on cars, and drinking.  They would be up all night listening to music around the bonfire on the weekends.  I felt like these men looked at me with lustful eyes even though I was a little girl still.  One of my dad’s friends had a son my age.  He was constantly trying to have sex with me.  I would fight him off or tell on him.  When I realized that his father was abusing him, I stopped and just dealt with it my own way.  They lived with us for a while and things were really rough.  Our family was struggling financially, too.

.. ..

My dad had become an alcoholic.  His thinking became irrational.  He would rage and lash out at my mom.  He put his fists through things all the time.  He would go out to bars and come home with gun shot wounds, broken knuckles, bruises and blood on him. He would say he was preaching the Word and someone didn’t like it.  I remember wishing my parents would get divorced because I just could not stand to hear the fighting.  It hurt to see my mom crying though she always did her best to hide it.

.. ..

Late one night while my brother and I were at home asleep we were awakened by my parents fighting after they came home from a Christmas party.  The arguing was so bad and my brother and I just stayed in the room scared to come out crying.  We heard things crashing, my dad yelling, and my mother crying and trying to plea with him.  She usually would come get us and go to my grandmas but this time he was threatening her so she ran out of the house without us. 

.. ..

My dad came into our room gave us each a trash bag and told us to put in them what we wanted to take.  He then ran off with us to another part of ....Florida.....  That year I was supposed to be “Mary” in the church Christmas program but we left before I got to.  My brother and I missed our mom.  We did not speak with her for several days and when we did we weren’t allowed to tell her where we were.  After we moved into a trailer we were allowed to tell her.  She started coming out to visit us and each time my dad would drink and become aggressive with her.  She eventually stopped coming and just called.

.. ..

My dad’s behavior was too much to take at times.  The alcohol was an every day thing.  Some days were good and some were bad.  I had the responsibilities of an adult.  Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping… and making sure my dad was somewhere safe when he would pass out.  He still preached the Word to us and I always learned a lot from his wisdom even though his ways were messed up.  He always said “Don’t ever say you want to grow up to be like me.  I am no one.  Try to be like Jesus.”   My dad had a good heart but he had struggles that I, as a child, had no idea about.  I still don’t.

.. ..

I was about to go into 8^th grade when I told my daddy that I wanted to go live with my mother.  My mother remarried and I was becoming a woman at age 13 and felt I needed a more stable life.  My brother agreed to stay and watch after my dad.  My daddy didn’t take it so good.  He would cry about it all the time.  He was worried about how my life might change and how he couldn’t protect me anymore.  At this point, I was extremely confused about God because no one ever taught me how Jesus works in our struggles.  My dad would drop us off at church and come get us afterwards.  Things seemed to be a bit hopeless. 

.. ..

My mother and step-dad did not attend church.  Life with them was a lot different.  They had a nicer house, nice vehicles, and could afford to buy me better clothes than my dad.  While this was great, no one was really spending time with me.  My mother saturated herself into her life with my step-dad.  I never had a moment of her time to myself.  I became withdrawn and just lived in my own little world in my bedroom.  I slept a lot, listened to music on the radio, and went to school.  I lost sight of God’s presence in my life.  I was very depressed.  I prayed to Him and expected things to change and nothing ever did.  I was so alone and so confused. 

.. ..

My dad had always put the fear of God in me when it came to having sex, my mom just told me to let her know when I did so she could put me on birth control.  I lost my virginity at age 17 to a guy who was much older.  I didn’t love him so I thought that my heart would be safe.  My depression took over my life and I was failing high school.  I went to summer school every year to get to the next grade.

.. ..

At age 18, I started dating a new boy who was in college.  It was the summer before my senior year when I became pregnant by him.  He and my mother took me to have an abortion.  It took two trips to the clinic because the first time I freaked out when I saw a sonogram and saw the heartbeat flashing on the screen.  My heart was just broken into a million pieces.  I wanted to be a mother.  I longed to feel the kind of love only a family could bring in my life again.   

.. ..

 I stayed in school and worked really heard my senior year to graduate with my class.  I dropped all friends and any activities.  I had to bring up my grade point average drastically which required going to night school at a community college and NO electives at all.  In order to graduate I had to make all A’s in all courses just about.  My senior year I made all A’s and a couple of B’s and was able to walk with my class.

.. ..

Eventually my mom and step-dad told me I needed to move out on my own.  This is when I began cohabitating with men.  It was the best option I had as I had to work multiple jobs just to make half of the rent.  I had no girl friends.  My search for love and approval continued into my adult life. I dated men and worked hard to keep the relationships together by trying my best to be the kind of woman any man would want.   The men in my life never turned out to be the prince charming that I always thought I would have.  No one had ever taught me anything about dating.  My only guide was to look back on my parents lives.    

.. ..

I went through one break-up after another.  My relationships lasted anywhere from 3 months to 2 years.  At age 24, I discovered the internet at work.  I put pictures on online dating sites because it was hard to meet men since I didn’t have a community of friends to hang out with.  I was so secluded.  I became reckless with my life.  Men were offering to fly me to different states to meet them.  I was flattered in a weird way and I had never left ....Florida.... in my life. 

.. ..

In pursuit of love, I allowed myself to be used for sex.  I equated physical touch with love.  Clearly, my views were skewed.  During this time I put myself in many dangerous situations and I won’t lie, there was a part of me that wanted to end up dead.  There was also a part of me that thought maybe someone would actually love me enough to rescue me.

.. ..

This was also the time when I found an online modeling website.  The “models” on the website did not look like what I always thought a model looked like.  They were regular people and they had testimonies under their pictures from photographers who had shot them.  I thought maybe I could make a little extra money doing that.  When the emails started coming in I was beside myself.  People actually thought I was pretty enough to pay to take photos of me???  I was just a regular girl, never the one considered “beautiful”.  The only problem was I was still pretty shy AND most of the jobs offered were nude or topless. 

.. ..

After a few months of getting these offers and declining I hit rock bottom after a break-up.  Instead of reaching out to God (who I lost hope was there) I took my first topless job.  Why did it matter anyway, so many men who I had dated looked at it.  Maybe if I was that girl they would have no need to look elsewhere.  The photographer sent me beautiful photos of other girls he shot and the fact that he wanted to shoot me made me feel somehow I was as pretty as those girls were.  It made me feel desired.  Not quite love, but close enough.

.. ..

It was only supposed to be a topless shoot, and the first time I took my top off in front of the photographer I felt so inadequate. I had never even been fully comfortable walking around in a bikini because I was so shy!  I got completely nude on day two of the shoot. I replaced the snapshots I had used on my online portfolio originally with nude and topless photos.  Within a matter of a couple of months I quit my office job of 5 years.  I ended up traveling a lot and taking tons of photos in hopes of maybe making it into a magazine.  The shots were nude but pretty tame. 

.. ..

I started a website and began making a monthly income.  I developed a fan base.  People would email me about how my existence filled something in their lives.  The strange thing was as lonely as these men seemed, I was just as lonely.  I too was searching for something to fill a void inside of me.  I became what they all wanted me to be.  If someone told me I was beautiful it made me feel good enough to stay alive.  I felt pretty worthless so in my mind at least I had some sense of purpose

.. ..

.. ..

I was still having meaningless relationships in hopes that one may one day be meaningful.  Each man who entered my life would lift me up just to break me down.  I discovered how perverted and calloused a man could be.  The men in my life exploited everything about me.  They would encourage me to go further in my limits in the business.  Some even become involved as photographers or webmasters.  They just wanted to take and take and take. 

.. ..

I was involved with an abusive man for nearly 3 of the 6 years I was in the business.  I moved from ..Florida.. to ..California.. then to ....Las Vegas.... with this man.  I was physically and emotionally abused and he introduced me to drugs like cocaine and crystal meth.  I was binge drug user.  I would use because he did.  It helped me escape the reality of what my life had become.  I should have ended up dead the first time I touch crystal meth after being awake for 14 days.

.. ..

A friend of mine saw how this man was treating me and helped me leave the relationship.  I moved to ....Los Angeles.., ..CA.....  I signed a contract with a company to run my website and they took over.  After a year I met and moved in with a new boyfriend.  The relationship was not abusive at all and I felt pretty secure.  I continued working in the business and trying to maintain a normal relationship.  My anxiety was high in social situations because I was always afraid to tell people what I did for a living so I would lie about it and say I did bikini modeling. 

.. ..

It seemed that the relationship was going nowhere.  My boyfriend would send out my photos to his friends and brag.  I never knew if he really cared about me but I felt safe because he was not abusing me.  After a year and eight months the relationship fell apart.  I found out something that really hurt me and for the first time in forever I cried out to God.  I asked him to show me He was there.  A few days later I met someone who led me back to God.  He told me that God loved me and desired a relationship with me.  I knew that God was at that moment speaking to me through my new friend.  I broke down in tears and prayed with my new friend and accepted the Lord back into my heart.

.. ..

From that day on I did not do another porn shoot.  I moved out of my boyfriends’ home into my first apartment, alone.  I asked my webmasters to take my website down but they refused since I was locked into a contract.  They asked where to send my portion of the money and I said I do not want it, just take the site down.  I had no job for months and got by with the help of donations and friends from church. 

.. ..

It took a lot of time to develop normal friendships.  I was scared to death because I felt like no matter where I went I had a big sign on me that told who I used to be.  I now was the real me and I didn’t know how to be that person.  Changing was hard.  All the things I hid behind like hair extensions, nails, clothes were gone.  I felt so exposed.  I think that if it hadn’t been for the conviction in my heart I may still be there. I am thankful that Christ intervened.  In Him I can live again!

And that's why I am writing this to you. My hope is that my story will give you hope. God loves you and has a plan for your life. I love the words of Jeremiah: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

That's what God has done for me.  That's what He'll do for you.

 

.. ..

I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Isaiah 44:22

   

No blogs for a while, sorry. After nearly 3 years a lot of things have surfaced and I am focusing on healing. I've been journaling and at some point I'll share. This journey has been long and hard and though I've been majorly blessed along the way, I'm struggling to keep my head up. I never thought it would be this hard. I know God will bring me through this. Thank you to those of you who have encouraged and prayed for me through the last few years. I am grateful that there are people I don't even know who care so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBkJBndGh_c

My very good friend Annie Lobert of Hookers for Jesus (top friends) appears with Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church to prove that Satan does exist in this debate.  It can be found online here if you miss it on television tonight - http://abcnews.go.com/nightline/faceoff

Set your Tivos!  My good friend and mentor Harmony Dust of Treasure's ( www.iamatreasure.com ) will be on
The Tyra Banks Show on Wednesday, March 25th!!!
Episode title "Troubled Mom Tries to Change"

She and a handful of guests will be talking about their experiences in the sex industry. You will not want to miss the story of one brave young woman who has been involved in prostitution since she was only a girl. Watch the show to hear her story and check out the Treasures blog ( www.myspace.com/treasuresnonprofit ) for the incredible update on her. Visit http://tyrashow.warnerbros...com/thisweek/ for local air times.

Tyra doesn't offer her the 'Last Chance' as her show previews indicate, actually Beauty From Ashes™ ( www.beautyfromashes.org ) and the New Life Centers offered another chance that the precious young woman took when the cameras weren't rolling thanks to Harmony Dust!

ALSO.....

Watch the "Nightline Face-Off" Thursday, March 26, 2009, on ABCNews.com and at 11:35 p.m. on "Nightline".  

Another good friend of mine Annie Lobert of Hookers 4 Jesus ( www.hookers4jesus.net ) will be debating the question "Does Satan Exist?"

FROM THE ABC WEBSITE:  "On one side of the debate is Deepak Chopra, famous philosopher and author of "Jesus: A Story of Enlightenment" and Bishop Carlton Pearson, author of "The Gospel of Inclusion." They will argue that Satan does not exist.

Chopra is the founder of the Chopra Center for Wellbeing in California. He specializes in mind-body medicine and gives lectures and speeches around the world.

Pearson began his spiritual journey as a fourth-generation Pentecostal minister who enjoyed a vast following as an heir apparent to Oral Roberts. But his revelation almost a decade ago that a loving God would not condemn people to hell just because they are not Christian caused him to question the very existence of hell and the devil. It also caused him to lose the vast majority of his congregation. Since then, he has become an independent spiritual leader in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and preaches his message that God loves all mankind.

On the other side will be Pastor Mark Driscoll of the Mars Hill Church and Annie Lobert, founder of the international Christian ministry "Hookers for Jesus," who will argue that the devil does exist, and has made a personal impact on their lives. ".

Hi everyone!

The tanning salon grand opening has been delayed for a bit!  We have been having problems with the electricity to the new building.  Please pray that these issues will be resolved and we are able to open very soon!  I have been without a job since before Christmas when I was laid off due to the economy so things have been quite rough! 

I have been asked many times if my boyfriend was helping me - well of course, he does all he can do for me but he certainly cannot pay my rent and all my bills along with his own!  My boyfriend is not my husband and I do not expect him to have to have full responsibility of me.  I try to always look to God in times like this.  I believe in tithing.  I believe in helping others in need any time I can.  I do what I can and trust the Lord in providing for me.  A lot of people are struggling financially right now and things will most likely get worse.  The hard times have taught me to depend on Him because nothing in this life is certain.

I recently shared my testimony with CBN's the 700 Club.  It will be aired (time/date to be announced) on ABC Family and shown 3 times throughout the day and archived online in case anyone misses it. 

Before I end this blog I just want to encourage people to check out and become friend's with Treasure's Ministry in my top friends.  Harmony Dust is the founder and a dear friend of mine.  Treasure's is doing a lot of great things reaching out to women in the sex industry.  I am honored to be a part of such a great group of women!!  Be sure to add Treasure's to your friends and subscribe to their blog ( www.myspace.com/treasuresnonprofit )!!!

I wish you all a wonderful week!  God Bless!

  






 

I will be an assistant manager at a very popular upscale tanning salon.  The grand-opening is not until the end of next month and we have a lot of planning to do yet!  The salon will carry a men and women's clothing line, hats, sandals, lotions... airbrush tanning and a lot more! 
 
I am super excited about this!  I will have a hand in everything so it will be similar to running my own business!  Thank you for all who have kept me in prayer! 

Sometimes I am just amazed at the way people see the world.  It must really suck to see things so negatively all the time.  To assume everyone is trying to manipulate someone or take advantage of others.

I put up some photos of myself at the hair salon that were shot last Saturday and I keep receiving comments/emails about how I can't afford rent and food but can afford to have my hair done.  Well,  I can't afford to have my hair done which is why I haven't had it done since being laid off my JOB right before Christmas. 

I have a great friend who has been doing my hair for about a year now.  When I told him I had been laid off he agreed to do my hair for free in exchange for photos for his business ads since he had not had a new ad shot in 10 years.  This is why I have random photos of me having my hair done.  He also shot some on his professional camera for the ads. 

Do not assume. 

I also had a job for the last year up until right before Christmas and I was able to buy myself clothing.  I am wearing the same clothes I have had.  I have a lot of old clothes I bought when I made good money.  I have not been on any shopping sprees people... I do not have a JOB. 

It just really hurts my heart to see how people are so quick to assume and attack me.  I never asked anyone for anything.  My blog is a diary... I share my life here.  I am going through hard times.  I know they will pass but it is what it IS.  Anyone who has helped me has done so (hopefully) because they felt led by the Lord. 

I have helped others financially when I am able.  When you help someone in need it should never be because you want to get something back.  It should be from your heart.  If it's not - don't do it. 

The people accusing me are not people who have helped me just to make that clear. 

Anyhow, I may have a job.  I had an interview today and just waiting to hear back for sure.  When I do I will share with all. 

Thank you to those of you who have been praying for me. 

Crissy

http://www.christianitytoday.com/movies/interviews/2009/crissymoran.html

Christianity Today did an interview about "Oversold" which included a lot of questions about my past. Just thought I would share.

P.S. To order Oversold visit : http://www.oversoldthemovie.com

I am really not in the mood to write a blog but I want to update everyone since the last blog. The guy I worked for payed me another $175. A total of $275 of the $1500 he owed me for working for him for 2 weeks.

Some of you helped me out by donating through paypal and I want to thank you. It helped me through the holidays and I have enough to pay my rent this month. I don't have enough for food or to pay the rest of my bills though.

I have been sending out my resume every day and searching for jobs like crazy. I do have an interview tomorrow at a retail store and really hope I get the job. I am getting pretty frustrated with the whole situation and just wondering what my purpose is. I just have no sense of direction at the moment and what I want most is for God to use me... and well, I don't know what He wants me to do.

This sudden loss of direction and digging into a lot of my past the past few months has sent me into some depression. The deep wounds in my heart have come to surface through lots of discussing a lot of it lately. Even though I know I am forgiven and brand new I still have to deal with a lot of them forever. Mostly because my sins are public. Anyone can see and access them at any time. I just try not to think about it but there are times when I think about the people who love me and how my mistakes hurt them and I see no escape from them. My family and whoever I spend my life with will forever have to come to terms with MY mistakes. It will never be something that can be hidden away and forgotten. I have such regret and grief and constant embarrassment. Two years ago all I could think about was how brand new I was. All I could do is rejoice in God saving me and delivering me out of that lifestyle. Today I live with the consequences of my sin and it hurts. It's just more real to me that it was back then I guess.

I just hope that my public sharing can help others.

Thank you to all of you who have kept me in your prayers. God bless.

Sooo..... here we are again.

If you read my blog from Dec. 9th you read that I got a new job. I was ecstatic that I was going to be able to work midnight shifts for a day trader 4 nights a week sending out sms text alerts and maybe even eventually take over his sms text alert business. I am very sad to say that the job did not turn out as expected.

I started the new job and it was fairly easy for me. My new boss and I communicated via yahoo messenger. We would get online at midnight and at the end of every hour he would check with me and let me know how the market was doing and what trades he would be making so I could send out the sms text alerts to the clients. The conversations never got very personal and he was very business-like. He sent me tons of information regarding taking over the sms side of his business and even log-in info to the accounts. I was put on a set salary and could only work in conjunction with him. He has to be online in order to tell me what to do. I thought this was a very good chance for me to run my own business and also be able to do other things that God may have for me like touring with "Oversold".

My new boss said he would pay me bi-weekly. My first payday would be on Christmas Eve and he would pay me $1,500 for my first 2 weeks of work. I mentioned to him that I am in a bad position financially and broke since losing my prior job and asked if he would pay me $500 after one week of work. He said he would do that with all payments sent through paypal by his sister. He (his sister) paid me $100 ($96.32 after paypal deducted fees for their service) on time- as a test payment. I wrote both he and his sister emails immediately and said let them know the test went through and it was okay to send the rest. Today is Christmas Eve and I still have not gotten another payment. He has not responded to several emails, has not been online during work hours, has not responded to voicemails or text messages at all. Today I was expecting to have enough money to be able to pay my rent on the 1st.

I am just at a total loss. How could someone do this to me? and right at Christmas time when it is impossible to get a new job and get paid in time to pay my rent?

I was unable to go home (to Florida) for Christmas with my family due to losing my original job. I will be here in Los Angeles spending it alone. I feel quite depressed right now to be honest. It's not that I think God will not provide... it's that someone could do this to me. It feels so personal.

I still have a teeny tiny bit of hope that he will come through. I am hoping he will have a good story of why he just disappeared, he will pay me, and this great new job can continue. I do believe anything can happen. That little bit of hope is dwindling though.

I know God will provide even in the midst of this. I don't know how yet... but He has proved to me in the past that He can and will.


I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! I will post an update if anything happens.

Crissy

Two years ago when I was just leaving the adult industry, this girl Daphne contacted me. I was going through my transition and she somehow found my myspace page. We connected by email, then by phone, and I took her to church. She was also going through hard times leaving a past of stripping and prostitution behind. We became very good friends and even were roommates at one point.

Daphne and I were like kindred spirits. She is quirky, cute, artsy, funny and amazingly intelligent! She has lived through things I could never have even imagined. I think God put us in one another's paths for a reason. We have been there to love and support one another this whole time.

We have gone through short seasons where we may not speak but when we do we just seem to pick up where we left off. Nothing has changed. I cherish Daphne's friendship deeply.

Anyway, Daphne came over and spent the night with me last night after not connecting for a while. We had a great time playing on the computer and taking photos in photobooth (on my bf's Mac he is letting me borrow til I get a new one). I visited her myspace page and blog this morning and asked her if I could repost this interview she did for Covenant Eyes (anti-porn software). It has a lot of information that I thought my reader's may find interesting.

P.S. Daphne is in my top friends under the name "Born For Something Greater, Daphne Khoury". If you email her or send a request she has been taking a hiatus from the computer since July so be patient.

Here it is:





1. Daphne, you say that you hope to be "a voice proclaiming hope and a destiny better than that of porn" (from your MySpace page). I understand you spent seven years working in the sex industry, involved in prostitution and stripping. Were you ever involved directly with pornographic films? Were you acquaintances with many women involved in porn?

Was I ever involved directly with pornographic films?



According to the adult porn film industry standards, no.

I have however been in films with gratuitously obscene content. I worked on a film (still not released) two years ago in the horror genre where I contributed unnecessary nudity. I believe now that even pointless nudity in films is harmful, especially the way Hollywood uses it to sell a movie or make it attractive to potential distributors.

The movie industry is getting progressively worse. When I am looking for acting roles, I see the breakdown for the characters the companies are looking to cast. More stripper roles or nudity required scenes exist now than there were three years ago, and I am not talking about a small percentage increase. Tell me. What is the difference between a production company hiring actresses willing to work topless for a movie scene and a club manager hiring girls willing to work topless in their club for one night?

It is dangerous to justify topless scenes and unnecessary nudity as 'acting'. Do you think the girls in the club really want to be there? They're all acting, they just don't get the luxury of having an IMDB credit with it.



Was I acquaintances with many women involved in porn?

Yes. When I stripped at the clubs--I usually kept to myself but sometimes had the pleasure of making friends with some really wonderful women. It is so sad because most are such beautiful women--smart, survivors, students, mothers-- who try to do their best but end up getting swept up in the industry's dark gravitational pull, becoming addicted to drugs or alcohol or being the victim of terrible crimes.

A popular cultural label is that "the women that work in those types of places are trashy." I couldn't disagree with that more. I see that statement coming from people who have had more or less charmed lives and don't know what life is like for people on the other side. It's severe circumstances and substantial economic need that drives most women in and out of the industry.





2. Daphne, you say that childhood abuse prepped you well for the sex industry. Do you find most women in the sex industry come from backgrounds of child abuse?



Of the stories I have heard, yes, in some form or another. For me personally, I didn't connect the two consciously until during recovery. My self-worth was so low that I thought stripping and prostitution were the only things I would ever be good at. I didn't think life offered me a better choice, and I had come to accept things as they were. I thought that I was lucky to have found something that could offer me the money I needed for medical bills. Being so emotionally needy, I depended upon the compliments of customers to give me self esteem. I was absolutely convinced that some of my customers really loved and cared for me. Now I know that that wasn't love. But only someone with a background of abuse could make that kind of mistake. It's much easier to cross boundaries when you see someone as your friend instead of your enemy.





3. You are very candid about your experiences in the sex industry, including the repeated sexual abuse, rapes, suicide attempts, and heroin overdoses. Less than a year and a half ago, you said in one of your YouTube videos that you "can't handle being raped one more time." Would you say your experiences are common for those who work in the sex industry?



I would say that my stories are probably more common than uncommon. While everyone has different experiences, I will definitely say that the degree of horror attached to a traumatic event would be common to most. When a woman experiences degradation everyday, abuse becomes something ordinary. Sometimes, too, a rape or sexual violation will 'prep' a woman for the industry. It's easy to think your body is nothing special when it has been degraded and you are stripped of self-worth. We then form these tough exteriors to protect ourselves. Desensitization to abuse and blurry sexual boundaries follow.

I know that I am not alone when I say that I was isolated much during the day and didn't have any strong support systems in place. This put me in a very vulnerable position. I was easy bait for predators seeking to take advantage.

I personally knew a girl who went to 'dance' for one guy in his hotel room. When she got there, a group of men were waiting. She ended up being gang raped.

I've heard lots of these stories with different variations. Why is there no justice done? Why are these stories shrouded in secret? Most women (myself included) hide in shame, start thinking that they deserved it, were threatened with death not to tell anyone, or didn't want to go to the police for fear of being arrested for prostitution. I met lawyers who didn't want to take my case because they automatically regarded my testimony as an adult entertainer invalid. They had an opinion of me before I walked in the room.





4. When did you make a clean break with the sex industry? What were the catalysts that brought you out of it?


I tried several times to get out of the industry, once about 4 years ago. It was easier for me to quit heroin and stay clean than it was to stay out of the sex industry.
But I finally made a clean break with the sex industry a little over a year ago in January 2007.

It feels even hard to explain the catalysts, to put it into words. It's still hard to talk about the events surrounding my decision, but I will say that a couple of really traumatic experiences helped wake me up out of that 'world', because, once you are in it, it is hard not be consumed by it. As I moved further out of the industry, I had more nightmares and resurfacing trauma. I didn't realize I was so wounded. As hard as that was to live through, it was more evidence to me that I was making the right decision and that the life I was leaving was more hellish than I was able to perceive when I was in the midst of it. Ultimately, I do believe I was given a supernatural ability to face the truth about who I had become and what I was doing.



5. You seem to be good friends with Crissy  (who left the pornography industry back in October of 2006). Would you say your friendship with Crissy has helped you work through some of the emotional difficulty of your past in the sex industry?


Crissy's friendship to me is golden. I reached out to Crissy when I was really struggling out of the industry. She came a couple of times to pick me up for church, and we really hit it off and became great friends! Crissy and I have been able to lean on each other through very difficult moments. It's hard coming out of the industry with your own personal demons to fight, and it's near to impossible without friends. A lot of people in the world don't know how to reach out to people in porn or to accept them. This makes it harder to really find a friend that you can connect with that can empathize with you. Crissy is a real gift to me.




6. I believe Crissy works with "Treasures," ministering to women in the sex industry. Have you ever worked with Treasures yourself?


Not yet. Harmony is caring, supportive, and has personally given me a lot of encouragement. I hope to volunteer with her in the future.




7. You call Shelley Lubben "a bright shining light" in your life. Tell me a little about your relationship with Shelley. Are you involved in the Pink Cross Foundation?



I have been involved with some outreaches with Shelley and volunteered with her mission. I really respect Shelley for who she is, what she has been through, and what she stands for. She could have turned her back on her past and forgotten about it. It would have been the much easier thing to do--to just move on, forget about it, not mention it as though it were a bad dream. The truth is that Shelley, Crissy, and Harmony are important role models. They fought through, and now they reach back. They bravely share their stories despite a social stigma that ex sex workers carry.

It's so important for truth to be spoken about what really goes on in the industry because misunderstandings in this area have drastic social consequences. It is very good for there to be awareness--for people in the church, for family, for counselors, for society; being part of the community is important for wholeness, and women and men coming out of that life don't want to search for healing if they think that others will judge them. It empowers those caught up in the game to reach out and ask for help instead of isolating in silence and in shame.




8. From your vlogs and blogs, it seems that family is very important to you. You repeatedly mention your grandparents. How would you describe their influence on your life?


My grandparents on my mom's side are very important to me. I was closest to my grandmother who showed me so much love when I was little. She was also my biggest advocate, even when I was at rock-bottom places. She saw me overdoesed on heroin and rushed me to the hospital. What grandmother should have to see their granddaughter with a needle in her arm on the floor? Her love for me helped me see what G-d's love is like. She came to visit me everyday when I was in re-hab, and she never judged me. Though she has died, I know her love for me still lives and has carried me through much darkness.




9. You attend a Messianic Jewish synagogue, correct? Did you family attend a synagogue when you were growing up?


Yes, I do attend a Messianic Jewish synagogue. I absolutely love it. I love the rabbis, the members of the congregation, and the love that has been extended to me through them. It is very healing to be in a supportive, family-like atmosphere.


Did my family attend a synagogue when I was growing up?

No.




10. What are some of your favorite verses from the B'rit Hadashah?



"I will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5


"Lo, I am with you, even until the end of the age." Matthew 28:20





11. I see you like painting. I also see that you contributed some of your artwork for a benefit to help sexually exploited children. How did that go?

It is very rewarding to be able to use my art to help causes so close to my heart. My artwork has been really well received, so it encourages me to continue in it.

I am currently painting an art piece that is about sexual exploitation. The working title is, "Not just doll parts." Crissy helped me come up with the title. :)




12. Can you tell me a little about your role in "Making Change"? What can you tell me about the central message of the film?


The message of this film is actually about homelessness. I played a very small role as a stripper (when I was stripping, ironically enough). There are a couple of scenes where the lead character is driven to a strip club because of homelessness and poverty. I happen to be one of the girls already there. I actually had cancer when they were filming it, so I was super-thin. I actually haven't even seen the film.



13. In one of your YouTube videos you speak about Jesus as a "man of sorrows." How has your faith in Him pulled you through your darkest times?

Jesus is a man of sorrows 100%. It says that he bore all our pain and that he bore our suffering. The comfort I had in going through the dark times was knowing that the L-rd was not condemning me but holding me.




14. If you could speak to the men who are struggling deeply with temptations to view pornography, what would be your encouragement to them? What would you want them to hear?


There was a time in my career when I was an honesty queen. If I were dancing for someone and they asked me a question about my childhood, I would start to tell them. The look on some of their faces was priceless. They went from being really turned on to really turned off. They'd get up and leave. At the time, I didn't think the stories were disturbing, I was just talking casually. I didn't understand what I had done wrong. After awhile, I started to see that maybe some of my experiences weren't so normal. Now I understand that what I had done was destroy their fantasy. I broke the illusion. Suddenly, from their perspective, I went from being a beautiful sex goddess to a REAL person with real sexual trauma. The truth about the danger and hazards of the sex industry have the power to destroy the fantasies from which this industry thrives. If a woman is honest she will tell you that lying is the best way to make money in the industry. The lie keeps the companies safe and the patrons happy.

It's a lot easier to look at porn when you don't know the truth. Even when women or men in the sex industry defend their choices, ask them if they would want their son or daughter to work in the industry and a look of horror usually passes their face. It's easier to objectify those you don't care about.

It's important to warn people who are mesmerized by the glamour of pornography (both men and women) before they get themselves into a mine field, making decisions to be in and part of a world which ends up looking more like guerilla warfare in Vietnam than glamour in Paris.

A lot of girls walk blindly into stripping and porn and then end up in situations like mine. This industry feeds off young girls who are insecure and broken, promising them fortune and glamour. I was so damaged, I would get on stage the night after having been raped. G-d forbid that I'd have to pay extra fines for being absent or late. I've seen girls have major drug overdoses and walk right back into work. It's a mode of survival. And these companies don't care about the damage they are doing to the girls; they are thinking about how much money they can get out of a girl before she has been worn in and torn out.

The industry is all about selling a fantasy. It's like a mirage in a desert. You are so thirsty and then go to a pond of water. After the fantasy fades, you lay there, your mouth full of sand and more in need of water than you were at the beginning. Only, you'd be lucky if that were the worst thing that could happen to you from buying a fantasy. You'd be real lucky. Some people pay with their lives.

Shelley Lubben has a really powerful slideshow on her myspace page dedicated to dead sex workers. Next to each photograph is how they died. A good number commit suicide or die from drug abuse, both men and women. For all the money that is gained in the industry, what is that worth compared to the loss of someone's soul?

Tonight I begin my new job!

I will be working for a currency trader sending out sms text alerts to clients regarding trades he makes. I will be working from about midnight (Mon-Thur) until 8 a.m. The pay is better and I also have the opportunity to take over management of the sms text business as well. If that happens, I will be handling marketing and total management of subscribers and will basically be running my own business. My boss just simply doesn't have time to do it and be as efficient as possible with the trading.

I am so extremely thankful for this opportunity. I can work from home each night and I think this will also allow me time to do some other things the Lord may have for me.

Thank you LORD!!! AMEN!!!